 i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.no kidding.  | yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland. | if you thought mars was the god of war,....i’m already running! |
i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.wasting your money on stupid gimmicks just to listen to music. that’s so lame. | music?oh, very funny! you know,.. you can be a complete ba,.... click   |  |
have you been sending me blackmail again?  | what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?  | i received some extremely bizarre pictures of black men having sex...again.oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present. |
| *whisper* *whisper* *whisper* | tyler...are you praying?? you do know that god doesn’t exist, right?monique, noooo!!! | pop! you know, this is all your fault monique.  |
| yowser to the red monkey paste! | do i want to know?chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time. | at least until next wednesday.tard. |
and now a cartoon involving a polar bear in a snow storm. | grrr | what the fuck was that?grrrrrrrrrrr |
| *sniff**sniff* that air freshener must finally be working. i can barely smell you.nah, i just found a cork with a good enough seal.you put a cork...? oh tyler, that’s just... why? | well, you know that joke rodney rude does? "jeeze mate, that would have lifted a lighter man clear off his seat!"yes, unfortunately.i thought i’d test the theory out, mythbusters style. oh-oh...here we go. | lift-off impressively aerobatic, if a little wiffy. |
| i’ve been reading the novel ’1984’. it’s so cool. a dangerously beaurocratic future. war is peace.ignorance is strength. | a sick and tired marriage is romance?i think that the tv show ’big brother’ could gain some inspiration from that book. | how so?imagine that there was no eviction. just one day your roommate was ’vanished’, and never refered to again.’this is big brother. there never was a sixth roommate. any memory you have of one must be false’ |
| mmm..this licorice is really chewy. | but hard and crunchy on the inside.why isn’t my computer working? hey! who took my extension cord?! | oh god. at least this time it wasn’t plugged in.aah, refreshing. |
| cowman 7! the most rockenest, hippest and coolest band the world is ever likely to see! plus we have the highest content of donkey sauce ever to come out of brisvegas! wanna be my groupie? as tempting as that offer is, i do have a prior commitment to chew out my own eyeballs. | tyler, you don’t have to actually be a rockstar in order to feel like one.you just have to be putting it away with an underage model and snort an obscene amout of cocaine.really? excellent! | although, that’s just for you’re average joe. you however, are going to have to be able to eat lead and shit gold.goddamnit!  |
| your friend you got my new hard drive from, he’s a bit of a comedian is he?wes? he has his moments i suppose. why do you ask?oh, i don’t know, perhaps it’s got something to do with the 40gb of hard core bestiality he pre-loaded onto the hard drive?! | girl on horse, girl on dog, dog on horse, ferrets in cows, man on postbox... it is all disgusting and i am not amused!technically, i don’t think that last one counts. if you’d like, i could take it back and get you another, stain free, hard drive. | sicko. you’d sprain both your wrists before you got through that lot.it’s an art form my dear. you just have to pace yourself.screw you very much for that mental image. i’m off to snort some napisan. |
frighteningly loud farty sound! ahhh, better out than in.for you maybe. damn woman! | sweet, sweet relief.i think you killed the neighbour’s kid. | serves him right for being locked in our basement. |
| you know, everyone remembers that van gogh cut off his own ear, but it’s not like that was a big thing?what?well, he was a painter. if he wanted to make a big impact he could have gouged out one of his eyes. wouldn’t that have been a romantic gesture? | i always thought that it was romantic when you sent me an ear in the post. | that is, until i realised it wasn’t yours. |
 ...yeah, good one mate. listen, i’ve got to go. there’s a shapely young thing waiting for me in the sack, if you know what i mean, heh heh. | that’s right! she’s even got her name tattooed on her side, totally wild man. monique? nah, absolutely clueless. i’ll talk to you later, i’ve got to relieve someone of their ability to walk. oh, yeah! | oh, hey monique. no, you’ve got it all wrong. c’mon, put the bat down. look, it’s just... smash dear lord noooo!my beer! you killed my beer! why?! |
| deftly, he sidesteps the poorly worded and yea, mispelt slur against his prowess in the boudoir. | zing! tyler masterfully ripostes with his rapier like wit. the ice maiden grovels before him in obeisance. | did you say something dear?um, moo? |
| phew! i’ve finally managed to net off the paw-paw trees in the back yard. no more bat problems. | tyler? have you seen my fish-nets? | whoa! that was quick. |
| ok, we’ll try it again. what do you get if you multiply six by nine? | forty-two. | that’s just dumb.heathen. |
| it’s my cousin’s birthday next week but she’s got the "travel bug" and i don’t know where she’ll be to send her a present. | send it by owl. | geek. |
| i noticed you didn’t eat the lovely mushrooms i cooked into the dinner last night. | you know i don’t like them. eating mushrooms is like eating something that’s dead. | |
ah hermione, you sexy little know-it-all. if only you were real... | hey tyler, are you up to the bit where hermione dies yet? | nooo!! my life, it flashes before my eyes!heh-heh...geek. |
| mmmm, reading each new ’harry potter’ book is like putting on a favoured old coat or perhaps a brand new pair of woollen socks. they feel so warm and snuggly, very easy to slip into. | although, the same could be said of a two dollar whore.but we won’t. | |
| what are you watching?’monk,’ yet another dopey american detective show. | does he spell his name with a silent ’e’ and ’y’? | begone git!ooo, ooo, ooo! |
| ok, i’ll bite. what’s got you so steamed?the patent office rejected another of my applications! it was the best one yet! | how could they reject a "vaginal sneakoscope"?! | oh, c’mon! |
| i want you to be on your best behaviour at this dinner party tonight.of course. you can trust me. | later that night. i can’t believe you!! i can’t take you anywhere!! | what the hell is your problem? all i did was say that i liked her hat.she is a siamese twin.oh,.. that would explain why it was so life like,... ,..and foul mouthed. |
| "nose biting is said still to be practised in micronesia. while nose biting is a well described phenomenon, this is not the case with bites to the penis,..."pity. | chew my domesticated beast of burden.i am not eating your vomit tyler.vomit? | yes you’re very clever but i refuse to "chew your yak."oh, no, what i meant was, bite my ass, y’know donkey, ha ha. fine, just forget it.perhaps i can get the yak to take lessons from the micronesians. |
| dear? why did the bank send us a ’thank-you’ letter for taking out a second mortgage on the house when we haven’t taken out a second mortgage?i needed some money to finance a new project i’m working on. | your going to finance your own movie by remor... you did it to buy more beads didn’t you?beads. | it’s a very unhealthy obsesion monique. whilst i admit the bead underpants are extremely stimulating, i think you should sto..beads! |
did you get that game from your friend for the dinner party on friday?no.what? he said we could borrow it. we even invited the little prick to the dinner. | he changed his mind. he said it was in his car and that he was kind of using it.he’s using a board game in his car? can’t he see over the steering wheel?who knows? look, he’s just a little prick. | oh for chet’s sake! this always happens. i guess we’ll just have to play cards, again! i’m really getting sick of playing strip poker with your parents monique.you and me both. *shudder* |
| from the creator of ’pearl harbor’ and ’armageddon’,...transformers, the live action film. | | next he’s going to travel back in time and steal all your toys.*sob* |
beginning of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip. | i am in a comic strip.hey! so am i. | end of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip. |
| tyler, do you remember what we did with the futon? | futon? isn’t that what you measure the atomic mass of tofu in? | i had no idea tofu was on the periodic table.oh yeah, it’s like number thirty-three or something. |