in other news, a 439 car pile up on the freeway has surprisingly produced only one fatality, that of a female commuter.
honey, i’m home.
ah me, dreams dashed upon the rocks of "god thinks he’s a funny prick."
tu n’est qu’un bon a rien. ta vie est un echec.
tout l’espace qu’il y a dans tes pantalons, ca me fait hurler de rire.
je n’ai pas envie de m’arreter.
tu est,.. une,... um,.. le bitchhead!
so you’re saying that your astra is better than my volvo in every single way?
well, yes. my astra goes faster, has better acceleration, is more comfortable, has better handling and has better fuel consumption. it’s better in every single way.
in fact, i could beat you in any type of competition with my astra.
wanna play chicken?
you know maybe you should show me a little more respect, i do work in a gun shop you know?
you’re their accountant!
well,.. have you done your tax yet? there are fines you know?
did you know that the ’cold’ headache that you get when you suck too hard on a slurpee is the same as why people get a pain in their left arm when there’s a problem with their heart? the brain confuses the signals.
does this explain why i get the creeping horrors when you kiss me?
no. that’s because i hate you.
i just want you to know that i felt sooo sexually satisfied last night.
but i came home late from,...
fuck you, my darling!
are you still attracted to me?
when i was little, i lived in a house that had a chimney.
one christmas, i’m pretty sure i heard the chimney say ’no’.
i was thinking of getting a pet.
don’t you like animals?
i married you, didn’t i.
..chickens in choppers, heh-heh. *sniff* *sniff* did you just fart?
women don’t fart
mi dispiace signora, did you just break wind?
then what is that god awful smell?
probably the prawns i sewed into your jacket
the fire of you heart burns cold for my loins
yes, my dog’s satay is nubian
when your yoghurt nose twists unfairly, simon melts their face
freakishly, bovines know the origin of your honour
he’s making a list,
and checking it once.
he already knows,
that people are cunts!
so you’re doing the christmas shopping today eh?
santa claus is gunning, the town.
you know what i like the most about christmas?
mmm? what’s that?
reminding you that you forgot to do your tax.
’tis the season.
would you please cook dinner tonight?
oh, i could make a curry.
lord no! the last time i ate your curry i passed out from the heat.
it was a korma!
it’s pronounced,.. ’coma’!
*grunt*...jesus fuck my nose!
tyler dear, we’re getting a bit of a line up out here.
well learn to cook woman!
i don’t think van gogh could have painted a better bowl.
tyler and monique are spending christmas at monique’s parents this year.
it doesn’t go well.
you know the best thing about new zealand?
the ruminant rumpy-pumpy.
i’m just saying...
it says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses.
do you dream about murdering me?
i believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize."
the car was making a weird noise. it was a kind of ’squeeeeeeee!’
sounds like the fan belt. that shouldn’t be too hard to fix.
actually i don’t think it ’s the fan belt.
well the car only makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped.
no, it also makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sound when it slips across the medium strip on it’s roof.
you know that silk tie i own?
the one with the little camels? yes.
hypothetically speaking, if i spilt some grease on it i should be able to soak it out using bleach, right?
god, no! it would strip it of all it’s colour.
hmmm,.. you know your white silk dress?
i don’t have a white silk dress. i have a red,.. silk,..
i slept terribly last night. why can’t you stay on your side of the bed?
fine, whatever! what side is your side of the bed?
the top side.
settled on your new years resolutions yet?
i’ve decided that i am perfectly fine the way i am.
i actually sort of like you this way.
i’m still hung over.
you’re hung over? i think i tried to drink the dog.
i believe the expression is "hair of the dog."
i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.
if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.
you bastard, that was me.
oh, now i really do feel sick.
blast! i dropped my pen.
while you’re down there,..
wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it.
oh wait....no, that’s just me.
so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,...
hmm, a slug.
hah! yeah, i’d agree with that.
me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.
you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?
i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden.
so i don’t have to mow any more?
no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore.
we both win.
yes, we both win.
one month later,..
the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao.
ring ring *click*
hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,..
sucking my very life blood away
tyler? what are you doing?
just checking the phone message hon
do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?
we’re making dartboards in anger management class.