what are you doing tyler?
i’m watching the next door neighbour’s front yard.
the car guys yard?
yeah. i’ve noticed that when he finishes doing up one of his hot rods, he’ll leave it on his front yard all innocent and unprotected like.
unprotected like? have you been hanging out with jeff foxworthy?
funny. no, you know those strange, high pitched sqealing noises we hear occasionally?
you mean it’s not been you looking in the mirror?
oh, she’s in rare form tonight. i think our neighbour has been testing some customized anti-theft dev...oh dear lord, is that a claw?!
i wonder if the vienna boys’ choir knows about this? it would save a lot in training costs.
oh so close.
ick! there are rat droppings in the house. you’re the one who insists on living in squalor, do something about it.
the next morning
aaaaaaaagh! mother f,....
yep, definately no rats on her side of the bed.
ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.
yes and you agreed to a cessation of your "no pants" policy.
my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.
ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?
surprisingly less so as the years progress. damn this materialistic society we live in. well this has been fun but i really must dash off to work.
i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.
i left you some solvent in my coffee mug. tootles.
all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*
oopsie, did i say my coffee mug?
do you believe in karma?
the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!
i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.
this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.
you’re a non-believer then?
there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.
hard drive failure? hard drive failure??
mmmm, i do feel better.
so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
that’s,.. umm,.. research.
huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
really? please excuse me.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
$350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
ok, your turn.
i don’t think so.
while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
fine, i was only kidding.
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
oh yeah, that’s it baby.
i just slammed my pinky in the door.
what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
finger,. my pinky finger.
oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
you’re such a fucking retard.
ha! makes sense i guess.
when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
i only saw one pair in the hamper.
yes you did.
enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
except for the fuglies of course.
of course, neo greaseboy.
you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
where the fuck am i?
monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
i think i’m in the wrong place.
here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
i love you honey!
are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
we’re both so lucky.
meanwhile in our universe,..
so,.. very,.. happy!!
okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
who said that?
no! no! noooooooooo!!!
send me back, send me back!!
how long has it been since you washed your hair?
a couple of months i guess.
yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
which brings me to my next point.
you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
nah, she blew me off.
the saucy minx.
in your dreams, monkey boy.
waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
it’s coffee, cow face.
there’s coffee in my fly?
no, a fly in your coffee.
oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
you know...this coffee tastes weird.
actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
weh ith de mouthwath?!
you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
i wish you were a breatharian.
hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
but i don’t have any porn...in there.
that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
in a dictionary?
no, that’s where i keep the porn.
is she still out there?
yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
you could always talk to her yourself.
are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.