delta’s ventricle is entreated to a show of disparity.
seemingly yellow, chantelle’s sheep flows northward in search of the monkey poet.
the dubiousness of your heritage is plainly evident.
heh-heh
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The best years of our life '
written by
Goatlord
is there any coffee in that scotch?
i’m as jober as sudge, orificer.
do you remember when we were young and couldn’t keep our hands off each other?
yes.....ah.
scull, scull, scull...
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Omnipotence of one '
written by
Goatlord
in other news, a 439 car pile up on the freeway has surprisingly produced only one fatality, that of a female commuter.
honey, i’m home.
ah me, dreams dashed upon the rocks of "god thinks he’s a funny prick."
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' French '
written by
Dan
tu n’est qu’un bon a rien. ta vie est un echec.
tout l’espace qu’il y a dans tes pantalons, ca me fait hurler de rire.
stop that!
je n’ai pas envie de m’arreter.
tu est,.. une,... um,.. le bitchhead!
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Volvo vs Astra '
written by
Dan
so you’re saying that your astra is better than my volvo in every single way?
well, yes. my astra goes faster, has better acceleration, is more comfortable, has better handling and has better fuel consumption. it’s better in every single way.
mmm?
in fact, i could beat you in any type of competition with my astra.
wanna play chicken?
uh, no.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Gun Shop '
written by
Dan
you know maybe you should show me a little more respect, i do work in a gun shop you know?
you’re their accountant!
well,.. have you done your tax yet? there are fines you know?
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Slurpee Headache '
written by
Dan
did you know that the ’cold’ headache that you get when you suck too hard on a slurpee is the same as why people get a pain in their left arm when there’s a problem with their heart? the brain confuses the signals.
does this explain why i get the creeping horrors when you kiss me?
no. that’s because i hate you.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sexually Satisfied '
written by
Dan
i just want you to know that i felt sooo sexually satisfied last night.
but i came home late from,...
fuck you, my darling!
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Attraction '
written by
Dan
are you still attracted to me?
gravitationally?
ow!
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Close the iris '
written by
Goatlord
when i was little, i lived in a house that had a chimney.
one christmas, i’m pretty sure i heard the chimney say ’no’.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A Pet '
written by
Dan
i was thinking of getting a pet.
a pet?
don’t you like animals?
i married you, didn’t i.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bobbin up and down '
written by
Goatlord
..chickens in choppers, heh-heh. *sniff* *sniff* did you just fart?
women don’t fart
mi dispiace signora, did you just break wind?
no
then what is that god awful smell?
probably the prawns i sewed into your jacket
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The true meaning of Christmas (pt 3) '
written by
Goatlord
the fire of you heart burns cold for my loins
yes, my dog’s satay is nubian
when your yoghurt nose twists unfairly, simon melts their face
freakishly, bovines know the origin of your honour
mmmmm
snozberry
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Making a List '
written by
Dan
he’s making a list,
and checking it once.
he already knows,
that people are cunts!
so you’re doing the christmas shopping today eh?
santa claus is gunning, the town.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Liking Christmas '
written by
Dan
you know what i like the most about christmas?
mmm? what’s that?
reminding you that you forgot to do your tax.
’tis the season.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cooking Dinner '
written by
Dan
would you please cook dinner tonight?
meh!
oh, i could make a curry.
lord no! the last time i ate your curry i passed out from the heat.
it was a korma!
it’s pronounced,.. ’coma’!
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arts and crafts '
written by
Goatlord
*grunt*...jesus fuck my nose!
tyler dear, we’re getting a bit of a line up out here.
well learn to cook woman!
happy now?
i don’t think van gogh could have painted a better bowl.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Christmas '
written by
Dan
tyler and monique are spending christmas at monique’s parents this year.
it doesn’t go well.
nuff said?
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The adventures of Stumpy Bear '
written by
Goatlord
you know the best thing about new zealand?
the ruminant rumpy-pumpy.
i’m just saying...
what?!
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The 1.25L variety '
written by
Goatlord
it says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses.
do you dream about murdering me?
no.
really?
i believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize."
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' SQUEEEEEEE! '
written by
Dan
the car was making a weird noise. it was a kind of ’squeeeeeeee!’
sounds like the fan belt. that shouldn’t be too hard to fix.
actually i don’t think it ’s the fan belt.
well the car only makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped.
no, it also makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sound when it slips across the medium strip on it’s roof.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Silk Tie '
written by
Dan
you know that silk tie i own?
the one with the little camels? yes.
hypothetically speaking, if i spilt some grease on it i should be able to soak it out using bleach, right?
god, no! it would strip it of all it’s colour.
hmmm,.. you know your white silk dress?
i don’t have a white silk dress. i have a red,.. silk,..
dress,...
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Wrong Side of the Bed '
written by
Dan
i slept terribly last night. why can’t you stay on your side of the bed?
my side?
fine, whatever! what side is your side of the bed?
the top side.
witch!
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' New Years '
written by
Jeremy
settled on your new years resolutions yet?
i’ve decided that i am perfectly fine the way i am.
i actually sort of like you this way.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Post Holidays '
written by
Jeremy
i’m still hung over.
you’re hung over? i think i tried to drink the dog.
i believe the expression is "hair of the dog."
i know.
ew.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Another Woman '
written by
Dan
i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.
what?!
if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.
vivid green,..??
you bastard, that was me.
oh, now i really do feel sick.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dropped Pen '
written by
Dan
blast! i dropped my pen.
while you’re down there,..
ow!
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Whipping Post '
written by
Goatlord
wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it.
really?
oh wait....no, that’s just me.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Slug '
written by
Dan
so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,...
hmm, a slug.
hah! yeah, i’d agree with that.
me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.
salt?
you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?