F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' It must be Thursday '

written by

Dan

i’m an emotional rag. the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is released this thursday. i’ve been waiting for this film for so long. my expectations don’t know what to do.

i’m so scared that they’ll be too high, and i’ll be let down by the film, but,..

then i think that i’ll hate it because my expectations are so high,..

but then my expectations to hate it will mean that i’ll be pleasantly surprised when i actually see it,..

so now i’m looking forward to it again,.. so my expectations are high,..

i hear it’s pretty good.

aaaaaarghh!!!!!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Paaaantss '

written by

Jeremy

i’m not wearing any pants.

good thing i superglued your ass to that chair then.

ah. so you did. and not just my ass, it appears.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Paaaants II '

written by

Jeremy

i’m off to the mall! there’s a sale on shoes.

bugger. stupid glue.

if only i were more flexible.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Paaaants III '

written by

Jeremy

slam! crash!

it’s about time you got home! there seems to have been some glue on the table...

¿que?

...monique?

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Paaaants IV '

written by

Dan

um, look señor, i don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing here but you’ve got to help me man.

¿usted está bien, hombre?

i need some solvent. metho, vodka, anything.

mi amigo, los genitales son vinculados muy a esa silla

bien, yo no soy interesado en actos sexuales extraños, yo ahora saldré con esta máquina de dvd.

please,.. you’ve got to,.. hey! are you stealing my dvd player?

bueno adiós, hombre

noooooooo!!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Pop! Goes the Weasel '

written by

Goatlord

apparently, my boss is getting some serious grief from a rival "gun shop." he’s given all employees some special, "home protection."

a gun! you’ve brought a firearm into this house?!

it’s ok monique, i’ll have it on me at all times. see, it’s tucked into my pan...

bang

i’m ok.

careful there tyler, you don’t want to go off half-cocked.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Editor '

written by

Dan

i can’t believe i’m so disappointed with the hitchhiker’s movie. the editing was,.. was,..

you really had a lot resting on that movie didn’t you? i almost feel bad for my part in the selection of the editor.

you chose the editor?

’chose’ is probably the wrong word for a process involving tequila and a blindfold.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Fishing '

written by

Dan

well, i’m off fishing.

aren’t you a bit optimistic using those over-sized hooks?

i just like a situation where those with the biggest mouths are punished.

what the hell is that supposed to mean?

whoops! gotta go.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Eternal Sunshine '

written by

Dan

wasn’t ’eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ wonderful and romantic?

meh!

it just prompted such intriguing questions.

meh!

erasing memories. what a strange notion.

hey tyler, what memories would you have deleted?

this conversation would make a nice start.

fucker!

whoa! déjà vu!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Dugong '

written by

Dan

aaaaaaargh!

you prick! you think it’s funny to replace my bathroom mirror with an aquarium containing a dugong?

not as funny as the fact that it’s been there two days already.

fuck you, tyler.

ancient sailors mistook them for mermaids.

blow me!

big fat hairy mermaids.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Nothing '

written by

Dan

did you just say ’nothing’?

i didn’t say anything.

no, did you just say,. ’nothing’?

the word ’nothing’?

no damnit!! did you speak, but not say anything at all?

start making sense baldy or i’m packing you off to a home.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Refined, cold blooded, deliberate shenanigans '

written by

Goatlord

have the baskervilles moved in next door?

i don’t believe so.

well, i just...ah, i don’t suppose you know anything about the large, glowing canine next door?

it’s funny you should mention that monique. when i was a young lad, my friend and i would delight in painting the neighbourhood pets all the colours of the rainbow.

these days, however, i have many more years under the belt, a bigger bank account and access to a disgustingly large hardware store where i may purchase fluorescent spray paint and uv light globes to suit street lamps. the revolution starts here, baby!

that’s really quite inventive tyler, but...

...but?

i’m just trying to get past the fact you had a friend when you were young.

i did give him half my pocket money every week.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' GM Herb Garden '

written by

Dan

you know how you said it was a mistake to plant a genetically modified herb garden?

if i remember correctly, i told you that it was ’screwing with the laws of nature’.

i hate to say this, but i think you might have been right.

well well well, so mister infallible has an archillies heel. so what brings this bout of ecological gallantry?

tyyyyy-leeeeerrr!

maybe you should ask it.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Youth '

written by

Dan

,..then i’ve got an appointment at the solarium, then it’s off to the beauty parlor for a skin peel.

point one, that’s the most retarded waste of time i’ve ever heard of.

point two. what the hell are you trying to do recapture your youth? it’s not like you were that pretty then either.

at least i don’t try to recapture someone else’s youth.

good god! you let him go? i told you that o’donnally woman wasn’t getting her son back until she cleaned up her footpath!!

three words tyler.
crime. against. humanity.

you’ll make us look soft. now, where did i put my taser.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Trip '

written by

Dan

you’re back?

yeah, why are you so surprised?

oh, no reason. so how was your boogy-boarding holiday to indonesia?

good, except my boogy board got mixed up with someone else’s on the trip. i seem to have someone’s called ’schapelle corby’.

so, what’s in the news back here in australia?

oh, nothing,... nothing at all.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Bored '

written by

Dan

i’m bored!!

well, why don’t you go into the garage and put the car back together.

,.. the car,... back,...

son of a,...

i get bored too.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Time Travel '

written by

Dan

i’m back.

from where?

time travelling.

what the hell are you talking about?

i travelled back from the future.

what? how far?

about 45 seconds.

you’re an idiot!

that’s what you said last time. well, i’m off. seeya later,.. i mean,.. earlier.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' We’re all Individuals '

written by

Goatlord

i ran into justin and louise today. they asked how you were and wanted to know if we would be interested in going to a bbq some time. i told them it was a good idea and suggested that they should invite andrew and cheryl, zoe and ash and john and leeanne. zoe’s little girl just had her first birthday.

hmmm...bbq, sounds good. it makes you wonder though.

bbq’s make you wonder?

no, bbq’s make me hungry. i was speaking of our individuality, no, that’s not quite right. it’s just, our friends know us as tylerandmonique, as we know them as justinandlouise or zoeandashley. i was curious as to when we stopped being just tyler and just monique.

i’m pretty sure i remember the day, i believe an impressive clergyman was involved. did you believe you were ever just tyler?

i guess so.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' The Almighty D’oh! '

written by

Goatlord

i must say, i feel a little better about myself.

it’s been so hard, living day in and day out surrounded by complete and utter morons. to know that every person i would meet was simply just not as good as i, was really quite upsetting.

then i locked my keys in the car.

ha-ha.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' DNA '

written by

Goatlord

are you going to see the doctor about your back today?

no, i’ll be fine. i can sort of walk now. i was talking to my sister earlier and she suggested i take some nurofen... before i go to the doctor.

fine, it’s your back. if you don’t want to listen to either of us, that’s your lookout. just be careful with the nurofen, it’s strong stuff.

i can read monique. the label suggests to take no less than 4 tablets, 6 times a day.

you’re using a definition of "read" that i have been previously unaware of aren’t you?

idiot. "1 every 4 hours. no more than 6 per day." how many did you take?

i took floaty many. why does the newspaper taste like snozberry?

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' I Found Serenity '

written by

Goatlord

i still can’t figure out how you threw your back out.

it was just one of those freak "acts of god."

a likely story. when i found you prostrate on the office floor, it looked as if you’d been crawling away from the computer desk. i know that chair isn’t the most comfortable but.... you were jacking off to porn weren’t you?!

it wasn’t porn. the trailer for the new firefly movie just came out and... i’m sure i wasn’t the only one.

you sick little puppy. i am so getting my own keyboard and mouse.

floating away...

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' No One Nose '

written by

Goatlord

i want to lick your nose.

moo.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Cycling '

written by

Dan

maybe we could get fit by riding bikes.

gosh! that takes me back. that last time i rode a bike was,...

,..oh, yes. my buck’s night.

ah, the memories.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Arfternoon Delight '

written by

Goatlord

how do you make a dog meow?

put it in the freezer for three days, pull it out then run it across a band saw.
meeeeeeow!

you thieved that from george smilovici.

it’s called "paying homage" dear. how about this one then, what do dogs say when they spontaneously combust?

woof

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Hobbies '

written by

Dan

you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?

much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.

a week later

it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.

wait a second,...

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Kylie '

written by

Dan

oh my god! kylie minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

well, she should have kept them out of the sun.

it’s not the first time her breasts have created a blood-fed growth.

ew!

mmm, cancery!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Mightier than the Sword '

written by

Goatlord

...she said what?

"my pet monkey has better handwriting skills than you and he uses his own fecal matter as a medium."

that’s what i thought you said. wow, that’s a little disturbing.

thanks monique, talking to you has really helped.

your handwriting is atrocious, get over it. the bigger picture is eluding you at present, isn’t it?

you want to have a go at my artwork now?

tyler, an old friend of yours has a pet monkey, that she communicates with, using alphabet poo.

yes but...oh, right. well, that’s one less card to send out at christmas i guess.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' It never gets old. '

written by

Goatlord

they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.

they say that?

that’s what they say.

well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.

they say that?

that’s what they say.

it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.

you never know.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' O’BRIEN! '

written by

Goatlord

thud

smash

squeal

hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?

i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Safety '

written by

Dan

i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.

well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.

although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape

the next day, a security solution is in place.

hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.

have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?

sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....

oh, lord, no