Brushing Off Invisible Spiders

The anus is a magical thing.

The human body has an opening at the top and an opening at the bottom. It's like a tall, complex, meat donut. The mouth opens and closes with the very obvious jaw mechanism. The other end though, is pure poetry.

A circular muscle. There are over 50 sphincters in the human body but the one with which we are most familiar with is the anus. It can close completely shut or dilate to a size that, on some websites, can put the good old, vaginal baby shoot to shame.

It is, most would concur, an 'out' hole. Pleasant company is happy with 'in' holes. The mouth, the nose. But 'out' holes are generally avoided in polite conversation. Even the 'out' process of 'in' holes is seen as 'a bit icky'.

The problem is that a lot of medical problems can be diagnosed with a careful swipe of a knowledgeable finger in the right orifice. Men my age know that in half a decade or so they're going to have to start having quite an intimate relationship with their GP.

I imagine there are women out there saying 'Tough bollocks, Dan' and rightly so. They've had to deal with flattened boobs and metal ducks since they were in their early twenties.

But there's a lot of reservation out there. A man's anus is his castle.

My castle has been under siege my entire young life. I have a condition called RAP or Recurring Abdominal Pain. It rarely bothers me now but was a thorn in my side while I was growing up. I've had all sorts of invasive procedures and any number of manly calloused fingers travelling the road less travelled.

The big one though, was the barium enema. In order to get an x-ray of 'the lower third' you need to line the area with a metal fluid. Basically, you lie down on your side and a hose is lubed up and then inserted. A milky white, viscous fluid is squeezed down their pipe and up yours.

After a few minutes of this they need to force it further up the canal so they pump air up there. Having my colon inflated is truly one of the strangest experiences I've ever had. The doctor turned to me and explained what was going to happen then followed it up with the line...

"They say this is what Mary Poppins feels when she flies around on her umbrella."

I imagine he was trying to lighten my mood and make me feel a little better but it's really not the best of jokes. I guess he keeps the top shelf gear for the cancer patients.

And I just get left with the bottom shelf.