have you ever been abducted by an alien saucer?
what the hell kind of question is that?
it’s just that, if you were, i think they may have forgotten to remove the probe.
well, what do you want me to do?
maybe you can actually spend some money and take me on an overseas trip.
well actually, you know the eiffel tower?
*gasp* yes! of course!
sit on it!
two friggin’ hours late!!
don’t blame me. you were the one who wouldn’t stop for directions.
you were supposed to be reading the map.
women aren’t inclined to reading maps, we’re more adapt at emotional problems.
well, that just goes to show how very woeful women are at doing anything important.
i don’t need a map to tell you where to go this time tyler.
i think my camera might be broken.
oh, wait. that’s right. you’re just really ugly.
,..and then she told marci that the baby wasn’t his and sue marched around there and she said that she wasn’t going to stand for any more of it and then jack (you remember jack?) he said the he,... he,.. *yawn*
with monique dosed up on rohypnol i’ve got the chance to enjoy some peace and quiet.
hmm, i must be getting old. i remember a time when,...
so? did you get to cast tim robbins for the part of ’robert langdon’ in the film version of ’the da vinci code’?
your favorite book? your favorite actor? why what a precious gift that would be from me to you. actually we got ’tom hanks’ to play the role.
yes, i really hate you that much.
frozen urine can kill you.
orange urine may, yes.
doubtful as red lizards.
idiot nose goblin.
oh, my back. oh, i need a back rub!
oh for the love of,... fine i’ll go get some massage oil.
it’s times like these that i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
tiny vestigal arms. can’t give back rubs.
plus the whole, biting me in half if i give you any lip.
i wish, i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
do you think my appearance could benefit from cosmetic surgery?
that depends. do you mean that you’d have your thighs done?
or that everyone else would have their eyelids sewn shut?
i was thinking of doing a tafe course in hairdressing but check this out. snake charming!
well for you they’re one and the same aren’t they?
and then she turned him to stone.
do you believe in angels?
no, i really don’t.
then the kitchen is on fire.
my steak!! it’s ruined!!
i believe in angels.
big things are coming for you, eh?
chinese new year.
year of the cock!
shh, listen closely. that’s the sound of no-one laughing.
have you ever eaten goat?
with or without horns?
what’s eating you?
you look flustered, you haven’t actually been running have you?
quickly, close the blinds! i hear footsteps, do you hear footsteps?
they switched your decaf at work again huh?
it was awful, i was out the back but i could distinctly hear the guy ask for a ’phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range’ so i hightailed it out of there.
i’m going to hide under the bed now. if anyone comes to the door, your name is ’sarah’
just what is paul robinson up to on the latest episode of super celebrity porn neighbours?
all men are evil.
women are tools of satan.
kitties are nice though.
i met a beautiful woman today who offered me one million dollars for one night with my husband.
...so i shot her with my taser and had her taken away to the loony bin.
cling wrap over the toilet, tyler?
it’s the classics that are the best. happy valentine’s day.
you’re thinking of april fool’s day.
i always get those confused,..
i wonder why.
hello, welcome to pizza hut. i’m annie, a robot that can understand english to make it easier for you to order. where would you like to pick up from?
you have selected,.. ’warrick’. is this correct?
you have selected ’no’. where would you like to pickup from?
oh for the love of,.. wishart!
you have selected ’active warhead’. is this correct?
god damn,... waste of,... stupid,.!!!!
you have selected ’yes’.
i was thinking of buying myself a mini.
yeah! sure! go ahead!
i love those skirts.
i thought i’d have to convince him to let me buy a new car.
says here that michael jackson checked into a hospital yesterday.
does it say why?
they’re calling it a "flu-like illness."
oh, i see. i don’t suppose this means they’ll be putting his trial on hold?
guess so. say, i’m not feeling so well myself.
you’re not getting out of tantric sex night that easily.
no, really, i think i’m going to vomit.
i’ve been wondering.are we australian, or are we american?
sorry, i was thinking about mel gibson.
why are you so chipper this morning?
admit it. last night, you made sounds you’ve never made before.
that you’ve heard, anyway.
you know i’ve,.. stopped wearing underwear.
yes, i realised that.
that’s why i’ve started wearing double.
’twas the nght before christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring,
except for the angry wife stalking her husband with a shiny new axe after discovering her moisturiser had been replaced with...something else.
ow...honey i’m home!
he slurs drunkenly after staggering through the screen door...at 6am no less.
sweety, i can explain. i was out drinking with the boys when i met this hot chick and well, one thing led to another and we ended up going at it hammer and tong all night. i’m really sorry.
right...and my uncle noel doesn’t have carnal knowledge of animals. what really happened?
ok, ok. i was out drinking with the boys and after we got chucked out at closing time, they thought it would be a good idea to duct tape me to the nearest roundabout....again.
oh tyler, you could have at least put on clean underwear before you left yesterday.
i need a better hiding place for my invisibility potion don’t i?
what’s that smell?
you wanted me to burn you some madonna cds.
the cd writer makes that smell?
my madonna cds!!!!
whoopsie. silly tyler.
so, what elephants have the biggest ears? the indian elephant,..
have you ever seen ’reservoir dogs’ tyler?
you’re going to cut my ear off?
could be tyler. could be.
imagine an elephant version of reservoir dogs.
wow! you’d need, like, a chain saw.
yeah, one that could be operated without thumbs.
handy tip #407
when using hand tools of any variety (esp. hammers), put said tools down before any attempt at swatting.
uh..tyler, are you ok?