Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Do you see what I see? '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: did you keep your optometrist appointment today?
:Tyler says: optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.
:Monigue says: did she now?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.
:Monigue says: you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thinking '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: what are you thinking about?
:Tyler says: what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?
:Monigue says: yes, i really would.
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well,..
:Tyler says: if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray?
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
and she never asked that question again and they were both happy.
,Tyler silent.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' And this little pig '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: it was delicious.
:Monigue says: oh god, i wish work started earlier.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Irony '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.
:Monigue says: actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: gee, thanks for that.
:Monigue says: any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?
:Tyler says: um, yes. just give me to time to put the question.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Almonds '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: mmm, tasty coffee.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: did you know that cyanide tastes like almonds?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: *bleuch!*
:Monigue says: of course, almonds taste like almonds also.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Aerial Intercourse '
written by
Goatlord
the biggest australian dramas of ’05!
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
who will live? who will be horribly disfigured in a low budget makeover show?
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: who gives a flying..
:Monigue says: tyler!
:Tyler says: whatever.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hail to the King, baby! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ’the o.c.’ was billed as channel 10’s "guilty pleasure." now channel 7 are advertising their new "show" ’desperate housewives’ as "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure." it’s disgustingly childish.
:Tyler says: perhaps channel 9 can go with, "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure that no parent can afford to miss" for csi:ny.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: not funny but i wouldn’t bet against it.
:Tyler says: ok then, what did elvis like to use as a tv remote?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: a colt .45 automatic. oh yeah, the king of comedy, uh-huh. thankyouverymuch.
:Monigue says: ahhh, goforthandmultiply.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sand Garden 2 '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: for the last time, go and rake the friggin’ sand garden.
:Tyler says: fine!
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: *gnnt*,.. *gasp*,.. for the love of,.. *hnnt*,... stupid,..
:Tyler says from offstage: crap! *hnnt*,... bugger!!,...
:Tyler says from offstage: *clank*,... piss!!!,...
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: dog biting,... *grunt*,.. chalk biter,.. towel sucking!!!,..
:Tyler says from offstage: *clunk* piss wanker!!,.. *shoove* cock goblins!!!
:Monigue says: zen, tyler. zen.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fun with words '
written by
Dan
innocent naivety
:Monigue says: where pants?!!
:Tyler says: there’re pants?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
resignation
:Monigue says: wear pants!
:Tyler says: here! pants!
,Tyler angry.,Monique angry.
full moon
:Tyler says: were-pants!!
:Monigue says: hear pants?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique guilty.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' La la la la la la la '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: when i was a younger man, i thought joely richardson was the hottest woman alive, only because i thought emma thompson was too old for me.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: thinking out loud again was i? right...i’ll be in my bunk.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: la la la la la la la
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Getting it up '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: well, last night was a bit of waste of effort. what with you not being able to get it up
:Monigue says: *hee hee hee*
,Tyler silent.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: well, at least you know for sure that i wasn’t fantasizing about anyone else.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: *hee hee hee*
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' ...and where, is the Stumpy Bear? '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: the annual work hunting trip is coming up and because you always complain about the cold weather, i bought you a new jacket.
:Monigue says: i’d rather not go.
:Tyler says: as would i but the people i work for are scary and i don’t want to do anything that could damage their fragile psyche. why don’t you go try it on?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: wow...i don’t believe i’ve ever said this before but it’s huge.
:Tyler says: yes, quite. the sales assistant said it would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees kelvin so i asked her if the stripy one would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees hobbes....
:Monigue says from offstage: very good dear, just one question.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: why does the hood have it’s very own set of antlers?
:Tyler says: it’s aaah, a theme weekend.
:Monigue says from offstage: well, then you won’t mind wearing that lovely vest mother bought you for christmas, the one with the large bullseye on the back.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Gullible’s Travels '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: god, spare me.
:Tyler says: why? i mean...huh?
:Monigue says: there is going to be a ’buffy’ and ’firefly’ crossover movie. there will be no ’angel’ involvement due to, and i quote, "the wb are being ghey."
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: ohmygodthatissocool ican’twait oooomaybewe’llseesome kayleeandwillowaction ohyeah thatwouldbesooogood...
:Monigue says: llllloser.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Alien Saucer '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: have you ever been abducted by an alien saucer?
:Monigue says: wha,.. what??
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: what the hell kind of question is that?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s just that, if you were, i think they may have forgotten to remove the probe.
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Overseas '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: well, what do you want me to do?
:Monigue says: maybe you can actually spend some money and take me on an overseas trip.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well actually, you know the eiffel tower?
:Monigue says: *gasp* yes! of course!
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: sit on it!
:Monigue says: nice
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Maps '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: two friggin’ hours late!!
:Monigue says: don’t blame me. you were the one who wouldn’t stop for directions.
:Tyler says: you were supposed to be reading the map.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: women aren’t inclined to reading maps, we’re more adapt at emotional problems.
:Tyler says: well, that just goes to show how very woeful women are at doing anything important.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: i don’t need a map to tell you where to go this time tyler.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Camera '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i think my camera might be broken.
:Tyler says: mmm?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: oh, wait. that’s right. you’re just really ugly.
:Tyler says: mmm.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hey!
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sleep '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ,..and then she told marci that the baby wasn’t his and sue marched around there and she said that she wasn’t going to stand for any more of it and then jack (you remember jack?) he said the he,... he,.. *yawn*
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
thud!
:Monigue says: zzzzzzz
,Tyler news.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: with monique dosed up on rohypnol i’ve got the chance to enjoy some peace and quiet.
:Monigue says: zzzzzzz
:Tyler says: hmm, i must be getting old. i remember a time when,...
,Tyler coffee.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Da Vinci '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: so? did you get to cast tim robbins for the part of ’robert langdon’ in the film version of ’the da vinci code’?
:Monigue says: your favorite book? your favorite actor? why what a precious gift that would be from me to you. actually we got ’tom hanks’ to play the role.
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: yes, i really hate you that much.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dan Brown Bites '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: frozen urine can kill you.
:Monigue says: orange urine may, yes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: doubtful as red lizards.
:Monigue says: idiot nose goblin.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' T-Rex '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: oh, my back. oh, i need a back rub!
:Monigue says: ooooooooooooooh!
:Tyler says: oh for the love of,... fine i’ll go get some massage oil.
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Monigue says: yay!
:Tyler says from offstage: it’s times like these that i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
:Monigue says: what? why?
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says from offstage: tiny vestigal arms. can’t give back rubs.
:Monigue says: plus the whole, biting me in half if i give you any lip.
:Tyler says from offstage: i wish, i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cosmetic Surgery '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you think my appearance could benefit from cosmetic surgery?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: that depends. do you mean that you’d have your thighs done?
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: or that everyone else would have their eyelids sewn shut?
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Snake Charming '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i was thinking of doing a tafe course in hairdressing but check this out. snake charming!
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: well for you they’re one and the same aren’t they?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
and then she turned him to stone.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Angels '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you believe in angels?
,Tyler silent.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: no, i really don’t.
:Monigue says: then the kitchen is on fire.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: my steak!! it’s ruined!!
:Monigue says: i believe in angels.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Chinese New Year '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: big things are coming for you, eh?
:Tyler says: wha? why?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: chinese new year.
year of the cock!
,Tyler silent.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: shh, listen closely. that’s the sound of no-one laughing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Goat '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: have you ever eaten goat?
:Tyler says: with or without horns?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: what’s eating you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' What Year?! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you look flustered, you haven’t actually been running have you?
:Tyler says from offstage: quickly, close the blinds! i hear footsteps, do you hear footsteps?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: they switched your decaf at work again huh?
:Tyler says from offstage: it was awful, i was out the back but i could distinctly hear the guy ask for a ’phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range’ so i hightailed it out of there.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: idiot.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m going to hide under the bed now. if anyone comes to the door, your name is ’sarah’
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fantastic Voyage '
written by
Goatlord
just what is paul robinson up to on the latest episode of super celebrity porn neighbours?
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: his elbow?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: ow...hurties
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Haimoo '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: all men are evil.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: women are tools of satan.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: kitties are nice though.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Buy me a Hippo '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i met a beautiful woman today who offered me one million dollars for one night with my husband.
:Tyler says: really?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: so...
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: ...so i shot her with my taser and had her taken away to the loony bin.
:Tyler says: nooooooooooo!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Valentine’s Day '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: cling wrap over the toilet, tyler?
:Tyler says: it’s the classics that are the best. happy valentine’s day.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: you’re thinking of april fool’s day.
:Tyler says: i always get those confused,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i wonder why.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ordering a Pizza '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! hello, welcome to pizza hut. i’m annie, a robot that can understand english to make it easier for you to order. where would you like to pick up from?
:Tyler says from offstage: wishart
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! you have selected,.. ’warrick’. is this correct?
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: wishart!!
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! you have selected ’no’. where would you like to pickup from?
:Tyler says from offstage: oh for the love of,.. wishart!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! you have selected ’active warhead’. is this correct?
:Tyler says from offstage: god damn,... waste of,... stupid,.!!!!
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! you have selected ’yes’.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mini '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i was thinking of buying myself a mini.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: yeah! sure! go ahead!
:Monigue says: really? cool!
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i love those skirts.
:Monigue says: i thought i’d have to convince him to let me buy a new car.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Trial Delays '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: says here that michael jackson checked into a hospital yesterday.
:Monigue says: does it say why?
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: they’re calling it a "flu-like illness."
:Monigue says: oh, i see. i don’t suppose this means they’ll be putting his trial on hold?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: guess so. say, i’m not feeling so well myself.
:Monigue says: you’re not getting out of tantric sex night that easily.
:Tyler says: no, really, i think i’m going to vomit.
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Questions of Origin '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: i’ve been wondering.are we australian, or are we american?
:Monigue says: hmm...
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
,Tyler silent.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: well?
:Monigue says: sorry, i was thinking about mel gibson.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Night Sounds '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: singing!
:Monigue says: why are you so chipper this morning?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: admit it. last night, you made sounds you’ve never made before.
:Monigue says: ha.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: that you’ve heard, anyway.
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Underwear '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know i’ve,.. stopped wearing underwear.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: yes, i realised that.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: that’s why i’ve started wearing double.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sauce of Vitamin C '
written by
Goatlord
’twas the nght before christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring,
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
except for the angry wife stalking her husband with a shiny new axe after discovering her moisturiser had been replaced with...something else.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: he-e-e-e-re’s johnny!
:Tyler says from offstage: run away!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' 1001 Uses '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: ow...honey i’m home!
:Monigue says: he slurs drunkenly after staggering through the screen door...at 6am no less.
:Tyler says from offstage: sweety, i can explain. i was out drinking with the boys when i met this hot chick and well, one thing led to another and we ended up going at it hammer and tong all night. i’m really sorry.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: right...and my uncle noel doesn’t have carnal knowledge of animals. what really happened?
:Tyler says from offstage: ok, ok. i was out drinking with the boys and after we got chucked out at closing time, they thought it would be a good idea to duct tape me to the nearest roundabout....again.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: oh tyler, you could have at least put on clean underwear before you left yesterday.
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' My Hands Are Empty Now '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler none.,Monique none.,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i need a better hiding place for my invisibility potion don’t i?
:Monigue says: maybe.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' CD Burning '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: what’s that smell?
:Tyler says: you wanted me to burn you some madonna cds.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: the cd writer makes that smell?
:Tyler says: cd writer?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says from offstage: my madonna cds!!!!
:Tyler says: whoopsie. silly tyler.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Elephant Tangent '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: so, what elephants have the biggest ears? the indian elephant,..
:Tyler says: or you?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: have you ever seen ’reservoir dogs’ tyler?
:Tyler says: you’re going to cut my ear off?
:Monigue says: could be tyler. could be.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: imagine an elephant version of reservoir dogs.
:Monigue says: wow! you’d need, like, a chain saw.
:Tyler says: yeah, one that could be operated without thumbs.
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Handy Tips for Swatting Flies '
written by
Goatlord
handy tip #407
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
when using hand tools of any variety (esp. hammers), put said tools down before any attempt at swatting.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: uh..tyler, are you ok?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Turderific '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: guess what all the cool kids are drinking these days?
:Monigue says: i don’t care.
:Tyler says: jagermeister. that stuff is soo cool, you can’t be cool unless you’re drinking... jagermeister.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: with all the advertisments, competitions and pub sluts, it is no wonder that jagermeister is the essence of cool.
:Monigue says: prithee mr cool, may i assume you have purchased a quantity of this wondrous beverage?
:Tyler says: i’m drinking it right now, mmmm mmm, yeah baby!
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: frankly, i fail to see how my vast repository of cool could possibly grow by me drinking the fetid concentrate of warthog diarrhoea.
:Monigue says: i’m afraid your coolness quotient has dropped below any quatifiable means.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hotter than the Sun '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i thought i asked you to stop using my invisibility potion? it doesn’t grow on trees you know. well ok, it does grow on trees but it’s really hard to find, seeing as you can’t see it, see?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: well?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: i’m in the other room, moron.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' James Bondage '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: cool gadgets, fast cars, hot women? james bond really is the complete male fantasy.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: of course the best bit is that whenever he has a one night stand someone creeps in, under the cover of darkness and murders the girl before things get awkward.
:Monigue says: that’s very cynical tyler.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hey! say what you want, i’ve never seen a scene where james bond leans over then whispers in her ear,..
:Tyler says: soo, ah,.. this has been great,... um,.. should i call you a cab?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Who Knows '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: you’re not psychic, are you?
:Monigue says: no, i’m not.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: good.
:Monigue says: don’t even think about it.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: you said you weren’t psychic!
:Monigue says: i’m not psychic. you’re just predictable.
,Tyler angry.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Eat my Eva '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i understand that ’normal’ is a relative term but your family gatherings are just... so... completely... fucked!
:Tyler says: that’s a fair comment. i must say that when i was a young lad, i would dream that my midget, trapeeze artist, biological parents would whisk me away one day to a life of high flying adventure in the circus.
:Monigue says: i wish.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: your cousin will has changed though. i remembered him as being...
:Tyler says: hippie scum?
:Monigue says: i was going to say, a bit alternative but yes, hippie scum would be more accurate.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: yeah, his new girlfriend is heavily into anime. my aunt calls it his, "chubby, junkfood eating, robot phase." i always liked her.
:Monigue says: i guess that explains the hair.
:Tyler says: oh no, they’re just freaks.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Rascal Dog '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: your stupid dog snatched the meat off the bench today.
:Tyler says: oh stuart, you rascally canine.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: at any rate, we’re having stu for dinner.
:Tyler says: that’s fine. i quite like stew.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: wait,..
:Tyler says: what?
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Suck the Hookah '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: that teacher friend of yours is an absolute riot. wow, can that man tell a joke! there was this one, a right corker..
:Monigue says: yes, dylan has managed to be the life of any party for as long as i’ve known him but tyler dear, how many times do we have to go through this? you. can’t. tell. jokes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: nah, this one is sheer brilliance. i can’t go wrong.

what’s better than doing the horizontal folk dance with a 16 year old schoolgirl?
:Tyler says: ...nothing!

ha, fantastic. you know it’s funny, because it’s...
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: the pain!
:Monigue says from offstage: hi, therese? your daughter is in dylan’s class this year right? yeah, about that...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Morning Meeting '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: oh shit! my alarm didn’t go off. oh god, i’m late!
:Tyler says: sorry. must have bumped it last night.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ahh! you bastard, i had a morning meeting with--
:Tyler says: with brad pitt. yes, you told me many, many times last night.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Another Mother-in-Law Joke '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: ... so i said, "get off my lawn, you old hag, or i’m calling the cops!"
:Monigue says: hahahahaha!
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: you thought that was funny?
:Monigue says: well, of course. it was a joke...right?
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: uh. on a completely unrelated note, there was a call from your mother. she needs bail money.
:Monigue says: i’d kill you now, but she’s going to want that pleasure when she gets out.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Text Messages I Have Received '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: beware the lord of the fluorescent monkey penis!
:Tyler says: are you drunk????
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: i’m having a weekend get together, can i borrow all your buffy and angel dvds?
:Tyler says: lillee is here, 7lb 2oz.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: can you bring a nutcracker?
:Monigue says: i .will freeze your chickens :-(
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Betty or Veronica? '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: zoe or kaylee?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: kaylee or river?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: buffy or willow?
:Monigue says: it’s just not fair!
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Vows '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i sometimes think back to what the priest said, the day we were married.
:Monigue says: priest? you mean that guy dressed as elvis?
:Tyler says: oh he was a priest, i’m just not sure from which church.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: at any rate, most of it’s foggy but i remember these words like they were spoken yesterday.
:Tyler says: "death do us part"
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: roll on, reaper.
:Tyler says: amen to that.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Exs '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: who was your most memorable ex-girlfriend?
:Tyler says: well,.. there was this italian girl with bad vision and disposable contacts.
:Monigue says: what was so memorable about her?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: she wore glasses all the time.
:Tyler says: scary, scary girl,..

what about you?
:Monigue says: there was this one guy who was scottish.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: were you with him long?
:Monigue says: nah, it was just a highland fling.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tivo '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: we need tivo.
:Monigue says: why?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: it makes suggestions for shows based on what you like. tivo figures out what kind of person you are.
:Monigue says: we already know what kind of "person" you are.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was hoping it could tell us what manner of demonspawn you are, o’ watcher of reality shows.
:Monigue says: one with good taste, o’ watcher of pro wrestling.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saving Ryan’s Privates '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: care to explain why the tivo is full of pay-per-view porn set in world war two?
:Tyler says: i could take a guess...
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: last week, you recorded saving private ryan.
:Monigue says: and you recorded showgirls. twice.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tivo is Faaabulous '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: what happened to the tivo, darling?
:Tyler says: i reset it, and recorded hours and hours of will & grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. so i tossed it.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: um, why?
:Tyler says: i read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no such luck for you, butch.
:Tyler says: curse my heterosexuality.
:Monigue says: indeed.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Go Forth and Multiply! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
:Monigue says: eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
,Tyler angry.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: sheep herding, felafel rapist!
:Monigue says: holy shit! are you as turned on as i am? last one upstairs felches first.
,Tyler angry.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: hey no fair!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Like Traffic Lights '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so...you wanted to be gay?
:Tyler says: maybe.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: but, you like girls.
:Tyler says: relative to what?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Born to be Kings '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! american idol. there can be only one. who will it be?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: the one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
television blares! charlie’s angels. there can be only three.
:Monigue says: no, tyler.
:Tyler says: oh c’mon! they’re gagging for it.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Other, Other White Meat '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: we’re having people for dinner next saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
:Tyler says: again?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: we only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
:Tyler says: there’s the hamster thing.
:Monigue says: yes, there is the hamster thing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: can we at least stay away from the jones family. i’ve had mrs jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. i’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
:Monigue says: ok then, how about the pavarottis? they’ve just emigrated from italy.
:Tyler says: hmmm...it has been a while since we’ve had some good italian.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Olympics '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i like to think of myself as a love maker of olympic standard.
:Monigue says: what? like a relay runner?
:Tyler says: huh?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: well, the bit where you perform is when you grab your shaft,..
:Monigue says: ..and only one person finishes, yes, i’d agree with that.
:Tyler says: although i think of you more like the luge.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: the luge athletes?
:Tyler says: actually i meant the course.
:Tyler says: slut
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Feel Happeee! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: a dog flew passed my window today.
:Tyler says: a dog flew passed your window?
:Monigue says: yes, i was amazed, the physical effects department have never gotten one higher than the eighth floor on a first attempt before.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hmmm, weighing the pros and cons of the situation, ah stuff it. just what the purple, monkey, dishwasher are you talking about?
:Monigue says: it’s all for the latest high profile movie, "my nose smells like a geranium mummy."
:Monigue says: the year is 7429, geranium mummies have taken control of the earth, their one weakness, high speed canine. it’s a story about a handfull of courageous mutant bovine/donkey/men, their trusty catapults and an overwhelming supply of dogs for ammunition. brad pitt is going to voice for the dogs.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: y’know, i’d actually pay to see that.
:Monigue says: you and a billion other morons. god, i love this business.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Werd to the Stumpy Bear '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: "babies are the nicest way of all to start making people." apparently. so, my mother still wants to know when we are having kids.
:Tyler says: she wants mutant grandspawn?! it’s too late anyway, i had the operation done.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: what? when was this? why didn’t you consult me or perhaps my mother, about it? can you at least sit down when i’m talking at...are you skipping?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: i only said i had the operation done, i didn’t specify to whom said operation was performed on. remember that time you woke up in a bathtub full of ice?
:Monigue says: those had better not be my fallopian tubes you’re jumping rope with!
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m a little duch girl dressed in blue. these are the things i like to do...
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sweet '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: ah, harken to thee my muse. my beloved. fragrant blossom unto whom the earth itself does turn. i must away, but i shall return and lavish thee with delights.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sweet 2 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: pray i delight in rekindling our tryst. let me pamper you like the angel that you are.
:Monigue says: you
:Monigue says: are
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: freaking
:Monigue says: me
:Monigue says: out!!
,Tyler silent.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i know. that’s the point.
:Tyler says: you know nothing pile of tapir waste.
:Monigue says: phew
,Tyler news.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Show us your Pink Panther '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says from offstage: aiiiiiieeeeeee!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: my god! they’re everywhere! when was the last time you were in here?!
:Tyler says: oh, it’s been at least a week, i guess. why?
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ants! a disgustingly large, infestation of ants!
:Tyler says: i hear you can get a topical cream for that these days.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fill Up My Senses '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: a large porn conglomerate in europe has snaffled up a medical cable channel in the us. they plan to introduce a programme dedicated to the therapeutic benefits of "fisting."
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: *cough* *splutter* the therapeutic benefits of...how the hell do they think they’re going to do that?!
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: one inch at a time. one inch, at a time.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It’s not um.... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
:Monigue says: don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
,Tyler coffee.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
:Tyler says: that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Will you love me? '
written by
Dan
the traditional setup
:Monigue says: will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
the traditional punchline
:Tyler says: of course i do dear.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
tyler’s actual answer
:Tyler says: don’t be retarded you slack mole.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We Love You Britney! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
:Monigue says: i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
:Tyler says: not as good as he says he is, huh?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
:Tyler says: naturally.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Odd Charges '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
:Tyler says: it wasn’t a hooker!
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i didn’t say it was...
:Tyler says: oh. good! nevermind then.
:Monigue says: you hired a hooker?
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: nah. it’s just porn.
:Monigue says: so we still have to have sex?
:Tyler says: afraid so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dusting '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this place is so dusty.
:Monigue says: then maybe you should do some dusting.
:Tyler says: i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says from offstage: a chick’s job?
:Tyler says: yeah. hey, where are you going?
:Monigue says from offstage: to get a broom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: oh, good.
:Monigue says from offstage: you better start running.
:Tyler says: ah, fuck
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Birds '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: great tits!
:Monigue says: what?
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i’m reading an article about birdlife.
:Monigue says: oh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: nice boobies!
:Monigue says: cock!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Quentin Goldman '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
:Monigue says: she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
:Tyler says: i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i would not say such things if i were you.
:Tyler says: why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
:Monigue says: what were we talking about?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' In The Name Of '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says from offstage: *uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stellar teacup ride '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
:Tyler says: oh,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Slip Slidin’ Away '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and i came across a box of your old uni stuff. does "analien: in space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?
:Tyler says: why whatever do you mean?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i mean, why do you have a vhs tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?
:Tyler says: it was a gift from friends, i’ve never actually watched it.
:Monigue says: i’m not worried about your sexuality tyler. it’s just that when i saw the title and the signatures of all the cast and the personal message, "to our bestest grease boy ever." i thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s not something i’m ashamed of. while you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, i was able to pay my university fees upfront. it may not have paid as much as a fluffer but i was working an honest job for honest...
:Monigue says: ...hard core, gay porn. you haven’t answered my question senator.
:Tyler says: no i haven’t, have i.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hitting Girls '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: why is it that you get to hit me but i don’t get to hit you?
:Monigue says: because i’m a girl.
:Tyler says: so,..
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: remember lorena bobbitt?
:Tyler says: take it. it’s not like i enjoy using my penis any more.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: and you already sit down to pee.
:Tyler says: bite me.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Angry feminists '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: so, what are you reading about?
:Monigue says: angry feminists.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: wait, feminists are angry? what do they have to be angry about?
:Monigue says: female circumcision for one.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.
:Monigue says: you’re not helping.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yo Yo Yo '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: i will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.
:Monigue says: do you even know what "bling bling" is?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: sure i do.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: a fiddy cent ringtone for my cell phone?
:Monigue says: you go now.
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Welcome to Earth '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i had to go into town to, do something, i think. the place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?
:Monigue says: relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. some people like to express themselves with costume.
:Tyler says: my eyes....
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stay Awhile '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you can stop with the cookie monster impressions, it can’t have been that bad.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! the overstretched spandex, the bad wigs, the disfiguring acne.
:Tyler says: the well rounded tights, the thigh hugging boots, oh yeah, the...
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ...deep impression of my forehead in the table, ow!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: actually, that worked. thanks, i think.
:Monigue says: anytime.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stay for a Little Bit '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you realise that you’re one of the biggest fanboys i know.
:Tyler says: i am nothing like those people.
:Monigue says: you picked a napkin out of the bin because you thought sarah michelle gellar may have used it. fanboy.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: am not.
:Monigue says: as stunning as this repartee is, you’d probably like it at the expo. there will be lots of buffy merchandise to paw through and i’m pretty sure i heard that joss whedon’s signature will be making a special appearance.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: peace at last. if he comes back with any of those evangelion dollies however...
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' You Know You Want To '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: that was great! most of those costumed freaks were really nice, i hardly wanted to punch any of them in the face. there were a lot of non-costumed people like me there too, who would have thought?
:Monigue says: ah me, how time flies.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i picked up some "crumpleton experiment" and a "phatsville comix." a little, hyperactive young lad even wanted to sell me his love. i got to see jake the muss, very cool. i had no idea "once were warriors" was still so popular, and...
:Monigue says: ..this one time, at band camp.
:Tyler says: huh?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: anyway, i’m going back tomorrow, you should come too.
:Monigue says: i don’t fucking think so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bored Last Night '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: what are you so happy about? and where did you go last night?
:Tyler says: i was bored, so i did what i usually do. i wandered up and down the aisles at the hardware store.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: and did it relieve your boredom?
:Tyler says: inspiration struck when i found that the plungers were stored next to the super glue.
:Monigue says: you didn’t,...
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
television blares! and in news today,..
:Tyler says: shh! this’ll be it.
:Monigue says: oh lord no.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nevermind '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: if you’re going to read comic books behind there, you could at least turn the newspaper the right way up.
:Tyler says: hey? oh, right.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: better?
:Monigue says: much. what are you reading anyway?
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: "groovy gravy" surprisingly, it’s not crap.
:Monigue says: more in-jokes? when will you learn?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cinnamon to Taste '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: mmmm, nummy.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: y’know, the average human body contains 5.7 litres of blood.
:Monigue says: random fact spouting, this is new. what book did you get this tidbit from pray?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: book?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Milk '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you used the last of the milk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: actually i tipped out what was left of what i replaced the milk with last week.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Chipper '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: singing!
:Monigue says: you’re chipper!
:Tyler says: my chipper?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you are chipper
:Tyler says: oh! well, i figured out the solution to a problem that has been bothering me.
:Monigue says: what was the solution?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: my chipper.
:Monigue says: what was the problem?
:Tyler says: it’s probably best you don’t ask.
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Choke the Chicken '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you work in the movie business, right?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: yeah, well y’know when you need animals on set, they have to come with trainers or "wranglers?"
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: if you needed a bunch of roosters for a scene would the trainer be called a, "cock wrangler?"
:Monigue says: i don’t know, grease boy, you tell me.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bang! Pop! '
written by
Dan
bang!
pop!
fzzztgrgle!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: well, i’m going to go to the computer store.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thanks for the Mammaries '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: can i fondle your breasts?
:Monigue says: excuse me?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i’m bored.
:Monigue says: fondle your own.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well...i guess they are of a similar size.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Schrodinger’s Friend '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you know your friend alex?
:Tyler says: the quantum theorist?
:Monigue says: that’s the one.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: sometimes he’s a really pleasant chap,..
:Monigue says: but sometimes he comes across as a power hungry machivalian arse-clown.
:Monigue says: you’ve known this quantum theorist longer. which is he?
,Tyler silent.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: indeterminate!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It must be Thursday '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m an emotional rag. the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is released this thursday. i’ve been waiting for this film for so long. my expectations don’t know what to do.
:Tyler says: i’m so scared that they’ll be too high, and i’ll be let down by the film, but,..
:Tyler says: then i think that i’ll hate it because my expectations are so high,..
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: but then my expectations to hate it will mean that i’ll be pleasantly surprised when i actually see it,..
:Tyler says: so now i’m looking forward to it again,.. so my expectations are high,..
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: i hear it’s pretty good.
:Tyler says: aaaaaarghh!!!!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaantss '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’m not wearing any pants.
:Monigue says: good thing i superglued your ass to that chair then.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ah. so you did. and not just my ass, it appears.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants II '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says from offstage: i’m off to the mall! there’s a sale on shoes.
:Tyler says: bugger. stupid glue.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: if only i were more flexible.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants III '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
slam! crash!
:Tyler says: it’s about time you got home! there seems to have been some glue on the table...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ┬┐que?
:Tyler says: ...monique?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
Prev 100Prev 30Prev 7Prev DayNext DayNext 7Next 30Next 100
First ComicArchiveToday's ComicInvisible Spiders