i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement. dear god tyler! he was your best friend. i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history. | he introduced us. oh...that’s right...fucker. |
do you believe in ghosts? do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over? you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah! | i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad. my dog has no nose! beware! | man this shit be good...i see donkeys! right, not going mad. the pain!!!! |
i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license. you want to fly an airplane? | well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really. | i can probably organise a canon. |
did you keep your optometrist appointment today? optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop. did she now? | of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket. you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing? | geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria. |
what are you thinking about? what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know? yes, i really would. | well,.. if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray? | and she never asked that question again and they were both happy. |
when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw. | the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake. | it was delicious. oh god, i wish work started earlier. |
when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic. actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic. | gee, thanks for that. any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call. | now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus? um, yes. just give me to time to put the question. |