i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.
dear god tyler! he was your best friend.
i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history.
he introduced us.
do you believe in ghosts?
do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?
you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah!
i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.
my dog has no nose!
man this shit be good...i see donkeys!
right, not going mad.
i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.
you want to fly an airplane?
well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really.
i can probably organise a canon.
did you keep your optometrist appointment today?
optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.
did she now?
of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.
you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing?
geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria.
what are you thinking about?
what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?
yes, i really would.
if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray?
and she never asked that question again and they were both happy.
when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw.
the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake.
it was delicious.
oh god, i wish work started earlier.
when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.
actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic.
gee, thanks for that.
any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call.
now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?
um, yes. just give me to time to put the question.