 i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.dear god tyler! he was your best friend.i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history.  | he introduced us.oh...that’s right...fucker. |   |
do you believe in ghosts?do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah!  | i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.my dog has no nose!beware! | man this shit be good...i see donkeys!right, not going mad.the pain!!!! |
i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.you want to fly an airplane? | well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really. | i can probably organise a canon. |
did you keep your optometrist appointment today?optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.did she now? | of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing? | geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria. |
| what are you thinking about?what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?yes, i really would. | well,..if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray? | and she never asked that question again and they were both happy.  |
| when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw. | the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake. | it was delicious.oh god, i wish work started earlier. |
| when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic. | gee, thanks for that.any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call. | now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?um, yes. just give me to time to put the question. |