my herb garden isn’t doing very well. they say that plants benefit from being talked to. | alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!! |
hi. umm...hello. | i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us. i did. what makes you think she hasn’t? | well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway. that would explain the loud thud we heard last night. |
so...how’s the invisibility potion then? |
would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning? it just means i’m more manly. | if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will. if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest. | a few predictable days later. oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!! aiiiiiiiiiiy!!!!! so manly. |
i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement. dear god tyler! he was your best friend. i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history. | he introduced us. oh...that’s right...fucker. |
do you believe in ghosts? do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over? you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah! | i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad. my dog has no nose! beware! | man this shit be good...i see donkeys! right, not going mad. the pain!!!! |
i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license. you want to fly an airplane? | well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really. | i can probably organise a canon. |