wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it. | really? oh wait....no, that’s just me. |
so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,... hmm, a slug. hah! yeah, i’d agree with that. | me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world. | salt? you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you? |
i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden. so i don’t have to mow any more? no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore. | we both win. yes, we both win. | one month later,.. the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao. again?!! |
ring ring *click* hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,.. | sucking my very life blood away | tyler? what are you doing? just checking the phone message hon *beeep* |
do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need? | we’re making dartboards in anger management class. |
would you like to watch a generic period film? oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness. | what? you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later. | you have no heart. i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake. i wish i could drop you into a hole. |
it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’. |
my herb garden isn’t doing very well. they say that plants benefit from being talked to. | alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!! |
hi. umm...hello. | i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us. i did. what makes you think she hasn’t? | well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway. that would explain the loud thud we heard last night. |
so...how’s the invisibility potion then? |
would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning? it just means i’m more manly. | if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will. if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest. | a few predictable days later. oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!! aiiiiiiiiiiy!!!!! so manly. |
i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement. dear god tyler! he was your best friend. i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history. | he introduced us. oh...that’s right...fucker. |
do you believe in ghosts? do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over? you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah! | i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad. my dog has no nose! beware! | man this shit be good...i see donkeys! right, not going mad. the pain!!!! |
i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license. you want to fly an airplane? | well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really. | i can probably organise a canon. |
did you keep your optometrist appointment today? optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop. did she now? | of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket. you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing? | geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria. |
what are you thinking about? what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know? yes, i really would. | well,.. if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray? | and she never asked that question again and they were both happy. |
when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw. | the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake. | it was delicious. oh god, i wish work started earlier. |
when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic. actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic. | gee, thanks for that. any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call. | now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus? um, yes. just give me to time to put the question. |
mmm, tasty coffee. | did you know that cyanide tastes like almonds? | *bleuch!* of course, almonds taste like almonds also. |
the biggest australian dramas of ’05! | who will live? who will be horribly disfigured in a low budget makeover show? | who gives a flying.. tyler! whatever. |
’the o.c.’ was billed as channel 10’s "guilty pleasure." now channel 7 are advertising their new "show" ’desperate housewives’ as "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure." it’s disgustingly childish. perhaps channel 9 can go with, "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure that no parent can afford to miss" for csi:ny. | not funny but i wouldn’t bet against it. ok then, what did elvis like to use as a tv remote? | a colt .45 automatic. oh yeah, the king of comedy, uh-huh. thankyouverymuch. ahhh, goforthandmultiply. |
for the last time, go and rake the friggin’ sand garden. fine! | *gnnt*,.. *gasp*,.. for the love of,.. *hnnt*,... stupid,.. crap! *hnnt*,... bugger!!,... *clank*,... piss!!!,... | dog biting,... *grunt*,.. chalk biter,.. towel sucking!!!,.. *clunk* piss wanker!!,.. *shoove* cock goblins!!! zen, tyler. zen. |
innocent naivety where pants?!! there’re pants? | resignation wear pants! here! pants! | full moon were-pants!! hear pants? |
when i was a younger man, i thought joely richardson was the hottest woman alive, only because i thought emma thompson was too old for me. | thinking out loud again was i? right...i’ll be in my bunk. | la la la la la la la |
well, last night was a bit of waste of effort. what with you not being able to get it up *hee hee hee* | well, at least you know for sure that i wasn’t fantasizing about anyone else. | *hee hee hee* |
the annual work hunting trip is coming up and because you always complain about the cold weather, i bought you a new jacket. i’d rather not go. as would i but the people i work for are scary and i don’t want to do anything that could damage their fragile psyche. why don’t you go try it on? | wow...i don’t believe i’ve ever said this before but it’s huge. yes, quite. the sales assistant said it would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees kelvin so i asked her if the stripy one would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees hobbes.... very good dear, just one question. | why does the hood have it’s very own set of antlers? it’s aaah, a theme weekend. well, then you won’t mind wearing that lovely vest mother bought you for christmas, the one with the large bullseye on the back. |
god, spare me. why? i mean...huh? there is going to be a ’buffy’ and ’firefly’ crossover movie. there will be no ’angel’ involvement due to, and i quote, "the wb are being ghey." | ohmygodthatissocool ican’twait oooomaybewe’llseesome kayleeandwillowaction ohyeah thatwouldbesooogood... llllloser. |
have you ever been abducted by an alien saucer? wha,.. what?? | what the hell kind of question is that? | it’s just that, if you were, i think they may have forgotten to remove the probe. |
well, what do you want me to do? maybe you can actually spend some money and take me on an overseas trip. | well actually, you know the eiffel tower? *gasp* yes! of course! | sit on it! nice |
two friggin’ hours late!! don’t blame me. you were the one who wouldn’t stop for directions. you were supposed to be reading the map. | women aren’t inclined to reading maps, we’re more adapt at emotional problems. well, that just goes to show how very woeful women are at doing anything important. | i don’t need a map to tell you where to go this time tyler. |