i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.
if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.
you bastard, that was me.
oh, now i really do feel sick.
blast! i dropped my pen.
while you’re down there,..
wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it.
oh wait....no, that’s just me.
so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,...
hmm, a slug.
hah! yeah, i’d agree with that.
me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.
you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?
i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden.
so i don’t have to mow any more?
no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore.
we both win.
yes, we both win.
one month later,..
the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao.
ring ring *click*
hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,..
sucking my very life blood away
tyler? what are you doing?
just checking the phone message hon
do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?
we’re making dartboards in anger management class.
would you like to watch a generic period film?
oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness.
you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later.
you have no heart.
i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake.
i wish i could drop you into a hole.
it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’.
my herb garden isn’t doing very well.
they say that plants benefit from being talked to.
alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!!
i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.
i did. what makes you think she hasn’t?
well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.
that would explain the loud thud we heard last night.
so...how’s the invisibility potion then?
would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning?
it just means i’m more manly.
if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will.
if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest.
a few predictable days later.
oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!!
i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.
dear god tyler! he was your best friend.
i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history.
he introduced us.
do you believe in ghosts?
do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?
you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah!
i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.
my dog has no nose!
man this shit be good...i see donkeys!
right, not going mad.
i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.
you want to fly an airplane?
well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really.
i can probably organise a canon.
did you keep your optometrist appointment today?
optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.
did she now?
of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.
you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing?
geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria.
what are you thinking about?
what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?
yes, i really would.
if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray?
and she never asked that question again and they were both happy.
when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw.
the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake.
it was delicious.
oh god, i wish work started earlier.
when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.
actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic.
gee, thanks for that.
any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call.
now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?
um, yes. just give me to time to put the question.
mmm, tasty coffee.
did you know that cyanide tastes like almonds?
of course, almonds taste like almonds also.
the biggest australian dramas of ’05!
who will live? who will be horribly disfigured in a low budget makeover show?
who gives a flying..
’the o.c.’ was billed as channel 10’s "guilty pleasure." now channel 7 are advertising their new "show" ’desperate housewives’ as "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure." it’s disgustingly childish.
perhaps channel 9 can go with, "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure that no parent can afford to miss" for csi:ny.
not funny but i wouldn’t bet against it.
ok then, what did elvis like to use as a tv remote?
a colt .45 automatic. oh yeah, the king of comedy, uh-huh. thankyouverymuch.
for the last time, go and rake the friggin’ sand garden.
*gnnt*,.. *gasp*,.. for the love of,.. *hnnt*,... stupid,..
crap! *hnnt*,... bugger!!,...
dog biting,... *grunt*,.. chalk biter,.. towel sucking!!!,..
*clunk* piss wanker!!,.. *shoove* cock goblins!!!
zen, tyler. zen.
when i was a younger man, i thought joely richardson was the hottest woman alive, only because i thought emma thompson was too old for me.
thinking out loud again was i? right...i’ll be in my bunk.
la la la la la la la
well, last night was a bit of waste of effort. what with you not being able to get it up
*hee hee hee*
well, at least you know for sure that i wasn’t fantasizing about anyone else.
*hee hee hee*
the annual work hunting trip is coming up and because you always complain about the cold weather, i bought you a new jacket.
i’d rather not go.
as would i but the people i work for are scary and i don’t want to do anything that could damage their fragile psyche. why don’t you go try it on?
wow...i don’t believe i’ve ever said this before but it’s huge.
yes, quite. the sales assistant said it would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees kelvin so i asked her if the stripy one would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees hobbes....
very good dear, just one question.
why does the hood have it’s very own set of antlers?
it’s aaah, a theme weekend.
well, then you won’t mind wearing that lovely vest mother bought you for christmas, the one with the large bullseye on the back.
god, spare me.
why? i mean...huh?
there is going to be a ’buffy’ and ’firefly’ crossover movie. there will be no ’angel’ involvement due to, and i quote, "the wb are being ghey."
ohmygodthatissocool ican’twait oooomaybewe’llseesome kayleeandwillowaction ohyeah thatwouldbesooogood...
have you ever been abducted by an alien saucer?
what the hell kind of question is that?
it’s just that, if you were, i think they may have forgotten to remove the probe.