i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.
if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.
you bastard, that was me.
oh, now i really do feel sick.
blast! i dropped my pen.
while you’re down there,..
wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it.
oh wait....no, that’s just me.
so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,...
hmm, a slug.
hah! yeah, i’d agree with that.
me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.
you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?
i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden.
so i don’t have to mow any more?
no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore.
we both win.
yes, we both win.
one month later,..
the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao.
ring ring *click*
hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,..
sucking my very life blood away
tyler? what are you doing?
just checking the phone message hon
do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?
we’re making dartboards in anger management class.
would you like to watch a generic period film?
oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness.
you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later.
you have no heart.
i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake.
i wish i could drop you into a hole.
it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’.
my herb garden isn’t doing very well.
they say that plants benefit from being talked to.
alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!!
i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.
i did. what makes you think she hasn’t?
well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.
that would explain the loud thud we heard last night.
so...how’s the invisibility potion then?
would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning?
it just means i’m more manly.
if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will.
if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest.
a few predictable days later.
oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!!
i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.
dear god tyler! he was your best friend.
i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history.
he introduced us.
do you believe in ghosts?
do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?
you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah!
i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.
my dog has no nose!
man this shit be good...i see donkeys!
right, not going mad.
i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.
you want to fly an airplane?
well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really.
i can probably organise a canon.
did you keep your optometrist appointment today?
optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.
did she now?
of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.
you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing?
geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria.
what are you thinking about?
what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?
yes, i really would.
if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray?
and she never asked that question again and they were both happy.
when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw.
the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake.
it was delicious.
oh god, i wish work started earlier.
when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.
actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic.
gee, thanks for that.
any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call.
now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?
um, yes. just give me to time to put the question.
mmm, tasty coffee.
did you know that cyanide tastes like almonds?
of course, almonds taste like almonds also.
the biggest australian dramas of ’05!
who will live? who will be horribly disfigured in a low budget makeover show?
who gives a flying..
’the o.c.’ was billed as channel 10’s "guilty pleasure." now channel 7 are advertising their new "show" ’desperate housewives’ as "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure." it’s disgustingly childish.
perhaps channel 9 can go with, "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure that no parent can afford to miss" for csi:ny.
not funny but i wouldn’t bet against it.
ok then, what did elvis like to use as a tv remote?
a colt .45 automatic. oh yeah, the king of comedy, uh-huh. thankyouverymuch.
for the last time, go and rake the friggin’ sand garden.
*gnnt*,.. *gasp*,.. for the love of,.. *hnnt*,... stupid,..
crap! *hnnt*,... bugger!!,...
dog biting,... *grunt*,.. chalk biter,.. towel sucking!!!,..
*clunk* piss wanker!!,.. *shoove* cock goblins!!!
zen, tyler. zen.
when i was a younger man, i thought joely richardson was the hottest woman alive, only because i thought emma thompson was too old for me.
thinking out loud again was i? right...i’ll be in my bunk.
la la la la la la la
well, last night was a bit of waste of effort. what with you not being able to get it up
*hee hee hee*
well, at least you know for sure that i wasn’t fantasizing about anyone else.
*hee hee hee*
the annual work hunting trip is coming up and because you always complain about the cold weather, i bought you a new jacket.
i’d rather not go.
as would i but the people i work for are scary and i don’t want to do anything that could damage their fragile psyche. why don’t you go try it on?
wow...i don’t believe i’ve ever said this before but it’s huge.
yes, quite. the sales assistant said it would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees kelvin so i asked her if the stripy one would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees hobbes....
very good dear, just one question.
why does the hood have it’s very own set of antlers?
it’s aaah, a theme weekend.
well, then you won’t mind wearing that lovely vest mother bought you for christmas, the one with the large bullseye on the back.
god, spare me.
why? i mean...huh?
there is going to be a ’buffy’ and ’firefly’ crossover movie. there will be no ’angel’ involvement due to, and i quote, "the wb are being ghey."
ohmygodthatissocool ican’twait oooomaybewe’llseesome kayleeandwillowaction ohyeah thatwouldbesooogood...
have you ever been abducted by an alien saucer?
what the hell kind of question is that?
it’s just that, if you were, i think they may have forgotten to remove the probe.
well, what do you want me to do?
maybe you can actually spend some money and take me on an overseas trip.
well actually, you know the eiffel tower?
*gasp* yes! of course!
sit on it!
two friggin’ hours late!!
don’t blame me. you were the one who wouldn’t stop for directions.
you were supposed to be reading the map.
women aren’t inclined to reading maps, we’re more adapt at emotional problems.
well, that just goes to show how very woeful women are at doing anything important.
i don’t need a map to tell you where to go this time tyler.
i think my camera might be broken.
oh, wait. that’s right. you’re just really ugly.
,..and then she told marci that the baby wasn’t his and sue marched around there and she said that she wasn’t going to stand for any more of it and then jack (you remember jack?) he said the he,... he,.. *yawn*
with monique dosed up on rohypnol i’ve got the chance to enjoy some peace and quiet.
hmm, i must be getting old. i remember a time when,...
so? did you get to cast tim robbins for the part of ’robert langdon’ in the film version of ’the da vinci code’?
your favorite book? your favorite actor? why what a precious gift that would be from me to you. actually we got ’tom hanks’ to play the role.
yes, i really hate you that much.
frozen urine can kill you.
orange urine may, yes.
doubtful as red lizards.
idiot nose goblin.
oh, my back. oh, i need a back rub!
oh for the love of,... fine i’ll go get some massage oil.
it’s times like these that i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
tiny vestigal arms. can’t give back rubs.
plus the whole, biting me in half if i give you any lip.
i wish, i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
do you think my appearance could benefit from cosmetic surgery?
that depends. do you mean that you’d have your thighs done?
or that everyone else would have their eyelids sewn shut?
i was thinking of doing a tafe course in hairdressing but check this out. snake charming!
well for you they’re one and the same aren’t they?
and then she turned him to stone.
do you believe in angels?
no, i really don’t.
then the kitchen is on fire.
my steak!! it’s ruined!!
i believe in angels.
big things are coming for you, eh?
chinese new year.
year of the cock!
shh, listen closely. that’s the sound of no-one laughing.
have you ever eaten goat?
with or without horns?
what’s eating you?
you look flustered, you haven’t actually been running have you?
quickly, close the blinds! i hear footsteps, do you hear footsteps?
they switched your decaf at work again huh?
it was awful, i was out the back but i could distinctly hear the guy ask for a ’phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range’ so i hightailed it out of there.
i’m going to hide under the bed now. if anyone comes to the door, your name is ’sarah’
just what is paul robinson up to on the latest episode of super celebrity porn neighbours?
all men are evil.
women are tools of satan.
kitties are nice though.
i met a beautiful woman today who offered me one million dollars for one night with my husband.
...so i shot her with my taser and had her taken away to the loony bin.
cling wrap over the toilet, tyler?
it’s the classics that are the best. happy valentine’s day.
you’re thinking of april fool’s day.
i always get those confused,..
i wonder why.
hello, welcome to pizza hut. i’m annie, a robot that can understand english to make it easier for you to order. where would you like to pick up from?
you have selected,.. ’warrick’. is this correct?
you have selected ’no’. where would you like to pickup from?
oh for the love of,.. wishart!
you have selected ’active warhead’. is this correct?
god damn,... waste of,... stupid,.!!!!
you have selected ’yes’.
i was thinking of buying myself a mini.
yeah! sure! go ahead!
i love those skirts.
i thought i’d have to convince him to let me buy a new car.
says here that michael jackson checked into a hospital yesterday.
does it say why?
they’re calling it a "flu-like illness."
oh, i see. i don’t suppose this means they’ll be putting his trial on hold?
guess so. say, i’m not feeling so well myself.
you’re not getting out of tantric sex night that easily.
no, really, i think i’m going to vomit.
i’ve been wondering.are we australian, or are we american?
sorry, i was thinking about mel gibson.
why are you so chipper this morning?
admit it. last night, you made sounds you’ve never made before.
that you’ve heard, anyway.
you know i’ve,.. stopped wearing underwear.
yes, i realised that.
that’s why i’ve started wearing double.
’twas the nght before christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring,
except for the angry wife stalking her husband with a shiny new axe after discovering her moisturiser had been replaced with...something else.
ow...honey i’m home!
he slurs drunkenly after staggering through the screen door...at 6am no less.
sweety, i can explain. i was out drinking with the boys when i met this hot chick and well, one thing led to another and we ended up going at it hammer and tong all night. i’m really sorry.
right...and my uncle noel doesn’t have carnal knowledge of animals. what really happened?
ok, ok. i was out drinking with the boys and after we got chucked out at closing time, they thought it would be a good idea to duct tape me to the nearest roundabout....again.
oh tyler, you could have at least put on clean underwear before you left yesterday.
i need a better hiding place for my invisibility potion don’t i?
what’s that smell?
you wanted me to burn you some madonna cds.
the cd writer makes that smell?
my madonna cds!!!!
whoopsie. silly tyler.
so, what elephants have the biggest ears? the indian elephant,..
have you ever seen ’reservoir dogs’ tyler?
you’re going to cut my ear off?
could be tyler. could be.
imagine an elephant version of reservoir dogs.
wow! you’d need, like, a chain saw.
yeah, one that could be operated without thumbs.
handy tip #407
when using hand tools of any variety (esp. hammers), put said tools down before any attempt at swatting.
uh..tyler, are you ok?
guess what all the cool kids are drinking these days?
i don’t care.
jagermeister. that stuff is soo cool, you can’t be cool unless you’re drinking... jagermeister.
with all the advertisments, competitions and pub sluts, it is no wonder that jagermeister is the essence of cool.
prithee mr cool, may i assume you have purchased a quantity of this wondrous beverage?
i’m drinking it right now, mmmm mmm, yeah baby!
frankly, i fail to see how my vast repository of cool could possibly grow by me drinking the fetid concentrate of warthog diarrhoea.
i’m afraid your coolness quotient has dropped below any quatifiable means.
i thought i asked you to stop using my invisibility potion? it doesn’t grow on trees you know. well ok, it does grow on trees but it’s really hard to find, seeing as you can’t see it, see?
i’m in the other room, moron.
cool gadgets, fast cars, hot women? james bond really is the complete male fantasy.
of course the best bit is that whenever he has a one night stand someone creeps in, under the cover of darkness and murders the girl before things get awkward.
that’s very cynical tyler.
hey! say what you want, i’ve never seen a scene where james bond leans over then whispers in her ear,..
soo, ah,.. this has been great,... um,.. should i call you a cab?
you’re not psychic, are you?
no, i’m not.
don’t even think about it.
you said you weren’t psychic!
i’m not psychic. you’re just predictable.
i understand that ’normal’ is a relative term but your family gatherings are just... so... completely... fucked!
that’s a fair comment. i must say that when i was a young lad, i would dream that my midget, trapeeze artist, biological parents would whisk me away one day to a life of high flying adventure in the circus.
your cousin will has changed though. i remembered him as being...
i was going to say, a bit alternative but yes, hippie scum would be more accurate.
yeah, his new girlfriend is heavily into anime. my aunt calls it his, "chubby, junkfood eating, robot phase." i always liked her.
i guess that explains the hair.
oh no, they’re just freaks.
your stupid dog snatched the meat off the bench today.
oh stuart, you rascally canine.
at any rate, we’re having stu for dinner.
that’s fine. i quite like stew.
that teacher friend of yours is an absolute riot. wow, can that man tell a joke! there was this one, a right corker..
yes, dylan has managed to be the life of any party for as long as i’ve known him but tyler dear, how many times do we have to go through this? you. can’t. tell. jokes.
nah, this one is sheer brilliance. i can’t go wrong.
what’s better than doing the horizontal folk dance with a 16 year old schoolgirl?
ha, fantastic. you know it’s funny, because it’s...
hi, therese? your daughter is in dylan’s class this year right? yeah, about that...
oh shit! my alarm didn’t go off. oh god, i’m late!
sorry. must have bumped it last night.
ahh! you bastard, i had a morning meeting with--
with brad pitt. yes, you told me many, many times last night.
... so i said, "get off my lawn, you old hag, or i’m calling the cops!"
you thought that was funny?
well, of course. it was a joke...right?
uh. on a completely unrelated note, there was a call from your mother. she needs bail money.
i’d kill you now, but she’s going to want that pleasure when she gets out.
beware the lord of the fluorescent monkey penis!
are you drunk????
i’m having a weekend get together, can i borrow all your buffy and angel dvds?
lillee is here, 7lb 2oz.
can you bring a nutcracker?
i .will freeze your chickens :-(
zoe or kaylee?
kaylee or river?
buffy or willow?
it’s just not fair!
i sometimes think back to what the priest said, the day we were married.
priest? you mean that guy dressed as elvis?
oh he was a priest, i’m just not sure from which church.
at any rate, most of it’s foggy but i remember these words like they were spoken yesterday.
"death do us part"
roll on, reaper.
amen to that.
who was your most memorable ex-girlfriend?
well,.. there was this italian girl with bad vision and disposable contacts.
what was so memorable about her?
she wore glasses all the time.
scary, scary girl,..
what about you?
there was this one guy who was scottish.
were you with him long?
nah, it was just a highland fling.
we need tivo.
it makes suggestions for shows based on what you like. tivo figures out what kind of person you are.
we already know what kind of "person" you are.
i was hoping it could tell us what manner of demonspawn you are, o’ watcher of reality shows.
one with good taste, o’ watcher of pro wrestling.
care to explain why the tivo is full of pay-per-view porn set in world war two?
i could take a guess...
last week, you recorded saving private ryan.
and you recorded showgirls. twice.
what happened to the tivo, darling?
i reset it, and recorded hours and hours of will & grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. so i tossed it.
i read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
no such luck for you, butch.
curse my heterosexuality.
you filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
sheep herding, felafel rapist!
holy shit! are you as turned on as i am? last one upstairs felches first.
hey no fair!
so...you wanted to be gay?
but, you like girls.
relative to what?
american idol. there can be only one. who will it be?
the one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
charlie’s angels. there can be only three.
oh c’mon! they’re gagging for it.
we’re having people for dinner next saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
we only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
there’s the hamster thing.
yes, there is the hamster thing.
can we at least stay away from the jones family. i’ve had mrs jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. i’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
ok then, how about the pavarottis? they’ve just emigrated from italy.
hmmm...it has been a while since we’ve had some good italian.
i like to think of myself as a love maker of olympic standard.
what? like a relay runner?
well, the bit where you perform is when you grab your shaft,..
..and only one person finishes, yes, i’d agree with that.
although i think of you more like the luge.
the luge athletes?
actually i meant the course.
a dog flew passed my window today.
a dog flew passed your window?
yes, i was amazed, the physical effects department have never gotten one higher than the eighth floor on a first attempt before.
hmmm, weighing the pros and cons of the situation, ah stuff it. just what the purple, monkey, dishwasher are you talking about?
it’s all for the latest high profile movie, "my nose smells like a geranium mummy."
the year is 7429, geranium mummies have taken control of the earth, their one weakness, high speed canine. it’s a story about a handfull of courageous mutant bovine/donkey/men, their trusty catapults and an overwhelming supply of dogs for ammunition. brad pitt is going to voice for the dogs.
y’know, i’d actually pay to see that.
you and a billion other morons. god, i love this business.
"babies are the nicest way of all to start making people." apparently. so, my mother still wants to know when we are having kids.
she wants mutant grandspawn?! it’s too late anyway, i had the operation done.
what? when was this? why didn’t you consult me or perhaps my mother, about it? can you at least sit down when i’m talking at...are you skipping?
i only said i had the operation done, i didn’t specify to whom said operation was performed on. remember that time you woke up in a bathtub full of ice?
those had better not be my fallopian tubes you’re jumping rope with!
i’m a little duch girl dressed in blue. these are the things i like to do...
ah, harken to thee my muse. my beloved. fragrant blossom unto whom the earth itself does turn. i must away, but i shall return and lavish thee with delights.
pray i delight in rekindling our tryst. let me pamper you like the angel that you are.
i know. that’s the point.
you know nothing pile of tapir waste.
my god! they’re everywhere! when was the last time you were in here?!
oh, it’s been at least a week, i guess. why?
ants! a disgustingly large, infestation of ants!
i hear you can get a topical cream for that these days.
a large porn conglomerate in europe has snaffled up a medical cable channel in the us. they plan to introduce a programme dedicated to the therapeutic benefits of "fisting."
*cough* *splutter* the therapeutic benefits of...how the hell do they think they’re going to do that?!
one inch at a time. one inch, at a time.
dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
the traditional setup
will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
the traditional punchline
of course i do dear.
tyler’s actual answer
don’t be retarded you slack mole.
so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
not as good as he says he is, huh?
hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
it wasn’t a hooker!
i didn’t say it was...
oh. good! nevermind then.
you hired a hooker?
nah. it’s just porn.
so we still have to have sex?
this place is so dusty.
then maybe you should do some dusting.
i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
a chick’s job?
yeah. hey, where are you going?
to get a broom.
you better start running.
i’m reading an article about birdlife.
i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
i would not say such things if i were you.
why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
what were we talking about?
i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
*uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
i was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and i came across a box of your old uni stuff. does "analien: in space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?
why whatever do you mean?
i mean, why do you have a vhs tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?
it was a gift from friends, i’ve never actually watched it.
i’m not worried about your sexuality tyler. it’s just that when i saw the title and the signatures of all the cast and the personal message, "to our bestest grease boy ever." i thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?
it’s not something i’m ashamed of. while you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, i was able to pay my university fees upfront. it may not have paid as much as a fluffer but i was working an honest job for honest...
...hard core, gay porn. you haven’t answered my question senator.
no i haven’t, have i.
why is it that you get to hit me but i don’t get to hit you?
because i’m a girl.
remember lorena bobbitt?
take it. it’s not like i enjoy using my penis any more.
and you already sit down to pee.
so, what are you reading about?
wait, feminists are angry? what do they have to be angry about?
female circumcision for one.
i don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.
you’re not helping.
i will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.
do you even know what "bling bling" is?
sure i do.
a fiddy cent ringtone for my cell phone?
you go now.
i had to go into town to, do something, i think. the place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?
relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. some people like to express themselves with costume.