do you know what happened to my crystal decanter?
do you recall that fight we had?
the one where i got hit in the head with a crystal decanter
what would you do if i had an affair?
i’d build snowmen with joseph stalin.
that makes no sense!
it makes perfect sense. i’d have to be dead...
...and for someone else to sleep with you, hell would be under six feet of snow.
this coffee is awful. taste this.
no thank you.
who made it?
what did you use for a filter? a dirty sock?
your dirty sock, actually. maybe now you will remember to pick up filters after work.
at least it wasn’t your sock.
that was yesterday’s pot.
my dog has no nose.
...you don’t have a dog.
ok then, your dog has no nose.
beware the fetid donkey cheese! it consumes with a hitherto unknown passion for the art of kanly.
beware the wife with the hitherto unknown passion for dropping acid in her husband’s morning coffee.
yo yo yo my skanky ho!
i be keepin it real wit my gangsta homies aight! chilly willy, funky monkey, yo...da. biatch!
i think mr ps2 needs a nice, relaxing coffee bath.
here’s something interesting. today i knocked my ring against a window and i freaked that i’d be blamed for damage, but the window was fine.
in fact, it turns out that the stone in my ring now has a small scratch in it. i thought that diamond was the strongest substance there was.
what do you think that means?
in hindsight i would have bought talc.
am i beginning to lose some of my boyish good looks?
it’s like someone built a car out of ugly sticks,..
,..and then backed it over your head.
oh dear, listen to this poor loser, "naughty girl desperate for good spanking..."
"turn ons: chips, dips, chains and whips. turn offs: candlewax on the nipples."
why is my mobile number printed with the ad?!
happy unbirthday antlered one.
you know, if you were ’on the green’ all day, and you were playing lawn bowls that would be good.
but if you were playing golf, it would be very very bad.
sounds like you’ve been ’on the green’ all day.
remember to make an appointment with your doctor. you need to have that ’growth’ checked.
i’ve asked you before, please don’t call it that. it’s very bad for my libido.
getting better with the knots, i see.
would you ever cast me in one of your movies?
actually, i could use you right now.
lucas is looking for wookies for episode 3 spot filming. you’d be perfect.
we’ll strip you naked and shoot you from the back.
have you ever used a prostitute?
for sex? no!
best not to ask.
did you hear about the new zealand escapee?
he was ’on the lamb’.
i’m a comic genius.
you make, me, laugh.
no, i mean,...
delta’s ventricle is entreated to a show of disparity.
seemingly yellow, chantelle’s sheep flows northward in search of the monkey poet.
the dubiousness of your heritage is plainly evident.
is there any coffee in that scotch?
i’m as jober as sudge, orificer.
do you remember when we were young and couldn’t keep our hands off each other?
scull, scull, scull...
in other news, a 439 car pile up on the freeway has surprisingly produced only one fatality, that of a female commuter.
honey, i’m home.
ah me, dreams dashed upon the rocks of "god thinks he’s a funny prick."
tu n’est qu’un bon a rien. ta vie est un echec.
tout l’espace qu’il y a dans tes pantalons, ca me fait hurler de rire.
je n’ai pas envie de m’arreter.
tu est,.. une,... um,.. le bitchhead!
so you’re saying that your astra is better than my volvo in every single way?
well, yes. my astra goes faster, has better acceleration, is more comfortable, has better handling and has better fuel consumption. it’s better in every single way.
in fact, i could beat you in any type of competition with my astra.
wanna play chicken?
you know maybe you should show me a little more respect, i do work in a gun shop you know?
you’re their accountant!
well,.. have you done your tax yet? there are fines you know?
did you know that the ’cold’ headache that you get when you suck too hard on a slurpee is the same as why people get a pain in their left arm when there’s a problem with their heart? the brain confuses the signals.
does this explain why i get the creeping horrors when you kiss me?
no. that’s because i hate you.
i just want you to know that i felt sooo sexually satisfied last night.
but i came home late from,...
fuck you, my darling!
are you still attracted to me?
when i was little, i lived in a house that had a chimney.
one christmas, i’m pretty sure i heard the chimney say ’no’.
i was thinking of getting a pet.
don’t you like animals?
i married you, didn’t i.
..chickens in choppers, heh-heh. *sniff* *sniff* did you just fart?
women don’t fart
mi dispiace signora, did you just break wind?
then what is that god awful smell?
probably the prawns i sewed into your jacket
the fire of you heart burns cold for my loins
yes, my dog’s satay is nubian
when your yoghurt nose twists unfairly, simon melts their face
freakishly, bovines know the origin of your honour
he’s making a list,
and checking it once.
he already knows,
that people are cunts!
so you’re doing the christmas shopping today eh?
santa claus is gunning, the town.
you know what i like the most about christmas?
mmm? what’s that?
reminding you that you forgot to do your tax.
’tis the season.
would you please cook dinner tonight?
oh, i could make a curry.
lord no! the last time i ate your curry i passed out from the heat.
it was a korma!
it’s pronounced,.. ’coma’!
*grunt*...jesus fuck my nose!
tyler dear, we’re getting a bit of a line up out here.
well learn to cook woman!
i don’t think van gogh could have painted a better bowl.
tyler and monique are spending christmas at monique’s parents this year.
it doesn’t go well.
you know the best thing about new zealand?
the ruminant rumpy-pumpy.
i’m just saying...
it says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses.
do you dream about murdering me?
i believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize."
the car was making a weird noise. it was a kind of ’squeeeeeeee!’
sounds like the fan belt. that shouldn’t be too hard to fix.
actually i don’t think it ’s the fan belt.
well the car only makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped.
no, it also makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sound when it slips across the medium strip on it’s roof.
you know that silk tie i own?
the one with the little camels? yes.
hypothetically speaking, if i spilt some grease on it i should be able to soak it out using bleach, right?
god, no! it would strip it of all it’s colour.
hmmm,.. you know your white silk dress?
i don’t have a white silk dress. i have a red,.. silk,..
i slept terribly last night. why can’t you stay on your side of the bed?
fine, whatever! what side is your side of the bed?
the top side.
settled on your new years resolutions yet?
i’ve decided that i am perfectly fine the way i am.
i actually sort of like you this way.
i’m still hung over.
you’re hung over? i think i tried to drink the dog.
i believe the expression is "hair of the dog."
i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.
if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.
you bastard, that was me.
oh, now i really do feel sick.
blast! i dropped my pen.
while you’re down there,..
wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it.
oh wait....no, that’s just me.
so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,...
hmm, a slug.
hah! yeah, i’d agree with that.
me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.
you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?
i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden.
so i don’t have to mow any more?
no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore.
we both win.
yes, we both win.
one month later,..
the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao.
ring ring *click*
hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,..
sucking my very life blood away
tyler? what are you doing?
just checking the phone message hon
do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?
we’re making dartboards in anger management class.
would you like to watch a generic period film?
oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness.
you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later.
you have no heart.
i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake.
i wish i could drop you into a hole.
it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’.
my herb garden isn’t doing very well.
they say that plants benefit from being talked to.
alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!!
i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.
i did. what makes you think she hasn’t?
well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.
that would explain the loud thud we heard last night.
so...how’s the invisibility potion then?
would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning?
it just means i’m more manly.
if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will.
if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest.
a few predictable days later.
oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!!
i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.
dear god tyler! he was your best friend.
i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history.
he introduced us.
do you believe in ghosts?
do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?
you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah!
i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.
my dog has no nose!
man this shit be good...i see donkeys!
right, not going mad.
i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.
you want to fly an airplane?
well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really.
i can probably organise a canon.
did you keep your optometrist appointment today?
optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.
did she now?
of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.
you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing?
geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria.
what are you thinking about?
what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?
yes, i really would.
if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray?
and she never asked that question again and they were both happy.
when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw.
the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake.
it was delicious.
oh god, i wish work started earlier.
when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.
actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic.
gee, thanks for that.
any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call.
now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?
um, yes. just give me to time to put the question.
mmm, tasty coffee.
did you know that cyanide tastes like almonds?
of course, almonds taste like almonds also.
the biggest australian dramas of ’05!
who will live? who will be horribly disfigured in a low budget makeover show?
who gives a flying..
’the o.c.’ was billed as channel 10’s "guilty pleasure." now channel 7 are advertising their new "show" ’desperate housewives’ as "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure." it’s disgustingly childish.
perhaps channel 9 can go with, "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure that no parent can afford to miss" for csi:ny.
not funny but i wouldn’t bet against it.
ok then, what did elvis like to use as a tv remote?
a colt .45 automatic. oh yeah, the king of comedy, uh-huh. thankyouverymuch.
for the last time, go and rake the friggin’ sand garden.
*gnnt*,.. *gasp*,.. for the love of,.. *hnnt*,... stupid,..
crap! *hnnt*,... bugger!!,...
dog biting,... *grunt*,.. chalk biter,.. towel sucking!!!,..
*clunk* piss wanker!!,.. *shoove* cock goblins!!!
zen, tyler. zen.
when i was a younger man, i thought joely richardson was the hottest woman alive, only because i thought emma thompson was too old for me.
thinking out loud again was i? right...i’ll be in my bunk.
la la la la la la la
well, last night was a bit of waste of effort. what with you not being able to get it up
*hee hee hee*
well, at least you know for sure that i wasn’t fantasizing about anyone else.
*hee hee hee*
the annual work hunting trip is coming up and because you always complain about the cold weather, i bought you a new jacket.
i’d rather not go.
as would i but the people i work for are scary and i don’t want to do anything that could damage their fragile psyche. why don’t you go try it on?
wow...i don’t believe i’ve ever said this before but it’s huge.
yes, quite. the sales assistant said it would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees kelvin so i asked her if the stripy one would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees hobbes....
very good dear, just one question.
why does the hood have it’s very own set of antlers?
it’s aaah, a theme weekend.
well, then you won’t mind wearing that lovely vest mother bought you for christmas, the one with the large bullseye on the back.
god, spare me.
why? i mean...huh?
there is going to be a ’buffy’ and ’firefly’ crossover movie. there will be no ’angel’ involvement due to, and i quote, "the wb are being ghey."
ohmygodthatissocool ican’twait oooomaybewe’llseesome kayleeandwillowaction ohyeah thatwouldbesooogood...
have you ever been abducted by an alien saucer?
what the hell kind of question is that?
it’s just that, if you were, i think they may have forgotten to remove the probe.
well, what do you want me to do?
maybe you can actually spend some money and take me on an overseas trip.
well actually, you know the eiffel tower?
*gasp* yes! of course!
sit on it!
two friggin’ hours late!!
don’t blame me. you were the one who wouldn’t stop for directions.
you were supposed to be reading the map.
women aren’t inclined to reading maps, we’re more adapt at emotional problems.
well, that just goes to show how very woeful women are at doing anything important.
i don’t need a map to tell you where to go this time tyler.
i think my camera might be broken.
oh, wait. that’s right. you’re just really ugly.
,..and then she told marci that the baby wasn’t his and sue marched around there and she said that she wasn’t going to stand for any more of it and then jack (you remember jack?) he said the he,... he,.. *yawn*
with monique dosed up on rohypnol i’ve got the chance to enjoy some peace and quiet.
hmm, i must be getting old. i remember a time when,...
so? did you get to cast tim robbins for the part of ’robert langdon’ in the film version of ’the da vinci code’?
your favorite book? your favorite actor? why what a precious gift that would be from me to you. actually we got ’tom hanks’ to play the role.
yes, i really hate you that much.
frozen urine can kill you.
orange urine may, yes.
doubtful as red lizards.
idiot nose goblin.
oh, my back. oh, i need a back rub!
oh for the love of,... fine i’ll go get some massage oil.
it’s times like these that i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
tiny vestigal arms. can’t give back rubs.
plus the whole, biting me in half if i give you any lip.
i wish, i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
do you think my appearance could benefit from cosmetic surgery?
that depends. do you mean that you’d have your thighs done?
or that everyone else would have their eyelids sewn shut?
i was thinking of doing a tafe course in hairdressing but check this out. snake charming!
well for you they’re one and the same aren’t they?
and then she turned him to stone.
do you believe in angels?
no, i really don’t.
then the kitchen is on fire.
my steak!! it’s ruined!!
i believe in angels.
big things are coming for you, eh?
chinese new year.
year of the cock!
shh, listen closely. that’s the sound of no-one laughing.
have you ever eaten goat?
with or without horns?
what’s eating you?
you look flustered, you haven’t actually been running have you?
quickly, close the blinds! i hear footsteps, do you hear footsteps?
they switched your decaf at work again huh?
it was awful, i was out the back but i could distinctly hear the guy ask for a ’phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range’ so i hightailed it out of there.
i’m going to hide under the bed now. if anyone comes to the door, your name is ’sarah’
just what is paul robinson up to on the latest episode of super celebrity porn neighbours?
all men are evil.
women are tools of satan.
kitties are nice though.
i met a beautiful woman today who offered me one million dollars for one night with my husband.
...so i shot her with my taser and had her taken away to the loony bin.
cling wrap over the toilet, tyler?
it’s the classics that are the best. happy valentine’s day.
you’re thinking of april fool’s day.
i always get those confused,..
i wonder why.
hello, welcome to pizza hut. i’m annie, a robot that can understand english to make it easier for you to order. where would you like to pick up from?
you have selected,.. ’warrick’. is this correct?
you have selected ’no’. where would you like to pickup from?
oh for the love of,.. wishart!
you have selected ’active warhead’. is this correct?
god damn,... waste of,... stupid,.!!!!
you have selected ’yes’.
i was thinking of buying myself a mini.
yeah! sure! go ahead!
i love those skirts.
i thought i’d have to convince him to let me buy a new car.
says here that michael jackson checked into a hospital yesterday.
does it say why?
they’re calling it a "flu-like illness."
oh, i see. i don’t suppose this means they’ll be putting his trial on hold?
guess so. say, i’m not feeling so well myself.
you’re not getting out of tantric sex night that easily.
no, really, i think i’m going to vomit.
i’ve been wondering.are we australian, or are we american?
sorry, i was thinking about mel gibson.
why are you so chipper this morning?
admit it. last night, you made sounds you’ve never made before.
that you’ve heard, anyway.
you know i’ve,.. stopped wearing underwear.
yes, i realised that.
that’s why i’ve started wearing double.
’twas the nght before christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring,
except for the angry wife stalking her husband with a shiny new axe after discovering her moisturiser had been replaced with...something else.
ow...honey i’m home!
he slurs drunkenly after staggering through the screen door...at 6am no less.
sweety, i can explain. i was out drinking with the boys when i met this hot chick and well, one thing led to another and we ended up going at it hammer and tong all night. i’m really sorry.
right...and my uncle noel doesn’t have carnal knowledge of animals. what really happened?
ok, ok. i was out drinking with the boys and after we got chucked out at closing time, they thought it would be a good idea to duct tape me to the nearest roundabout....again.
oh tyler, you could have at least put on clean underwear before you left yesterday.
i need a better hiding place for my invisibility potion don’t i?
what’s that smell?
you wanted me to burn you some madonna cds.
the cd writer makes that smell?
my madonna cds!!!!
whoopsie. silly tyler.
so, what elephants have the biggest ears? the indian elephant,..
have you ever seen ’reservoir dogs’ tyler?
you’re going to cut my ear off?
could be tyler. could be.
imagine an elephant version of reservoir dogs.
wow! you’d need, like, a chain saw.
yeah, one that could be operated without thumbs.
handy tip #407
when using hand tools of any variety (esp. hammers), put said tools down before any attempt at swatting.
uh..tyler, are you ok?