Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The true meaning of Christmas (pt 3) '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: the fire of you heart burns cold for my loins
:Monigue says: yes, my dog’s satay is nubian
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: when your yoghurt nose twists unfairly, simon melts their face
:Monigue says: freakishly, bovines know the origin of your honour
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: mmmmm
:Monigue says: snozberry
,Tyler coffee.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Making a List '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: singing! he’s making a list,
:Monigue says: singing! and checking it once.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: singing! he already knows,
:Monigue says: singing! that people are cunts!
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: so you’re doing the christmas shopping today eh?
:Monigue says: singing! santa claus is gunning, the town.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Liking Christmas '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you know what i like the most about christmas?
:Tyler says: mmm? what’s that?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: reminding you that you forgot to do your tax.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: ’tis the season.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cooking Dinner '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: would you please cook dinner tonight?
:Tyler says: meh!
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: oh, i could make a curry.
:Monigue says: lord no! the last time i ate your curry i passed out from the heat.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: it was a korma!
:Monigue says: it’s pronounced,.. ’coma’!
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arts and crafts '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *grunt*...jesus fuck my nose!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: tyler dear, we’re getting a bit of a line up out here.
:Tyler says from offstage: well learn to cook woman!
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: happy now?
:Tyler says: i don’t think van gogh could have painted a better bowl.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Christmas '
written by
Dan
tyler and monique are spending christmas at monique’s parents this year.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
it doesn’t go well.
nuff said?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The adventures of Stumpy Bear '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you know the best thing about new zealand?
:Tyler says: the ruminant rumpy-pumpy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i’m just saying...
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: what?!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The 1.25L variety '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: it says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: do you dream about murdering me?
:Tyler says: no.
:Monigue says: really?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' SQUEEEEEEE! '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: the car was making a weird noise. it was a kind of ’squeeeeeeee!’
:Tyler says: sounds like the fan belt. that shouldn’t be too hard to fix.
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: actually i don’t think it ’s the fan belt.
:Tyler says: well the car only makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: no, it also makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sound when it slips across the medium strip on it’s roof.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Silk Tie '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know that silk tie i own?
:Monigue says: the one with the little camels? yes.
:Tyler says: hypothetically speaking, if i spilt some grease on it i should be able to soak it out using bleach, right?
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: god, no! it would strip it of all it’s colour.
:Tyler says: hmmm,.. you know your white silk dress?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: i don’t have a white silk dress. i have a red,.. silk,..

dress,...
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Wrong Side of the Bed '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i slept terribly last night. why can’t you stay on your side of the bed?
:Monigue says: my side?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: fine, whatever! what side is your side of the bed?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: the top side.

witch!
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' New Years '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: settled on your new years resolutions yet?
:Monigue says: i’ve decided that i am perfectly fine the way i am.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: i actually sort of like you this way.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Post Holidays '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: i’m still hung over.
:Monigue says: you’re hung over? i think i tried to drink the dog.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: i believe the expression is "hair of the dog."
:Monigue says: i know.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: ew.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Another Woman '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.
:Monigue says: what?!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.
:Monigue says: vivid green,..??
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: you bastard, that was me.
:Tyler says: oh, now i really do feel sick.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dropped Pen '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: blast! i dropped my pen.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: while you’re down there,..
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: ow!
,Tyler shock.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Whipping Post '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: really?
:Monigue says: oh wait....no, that’s just me.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Slug '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,...
:Tyler says: hmm, a slug.
:Monigue says: hah! yeah, i’d agree with that.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: salt?
:Tyler says: you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sand Garden '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden.
:Tyler says: so i don’t have to mow any more?
:Monigue says: no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: we both win.
:Monigue says: yes, we both win.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
one month later,..
:Monigue says: the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao.
:Tyler says: again?!!
,Tyler angry.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Message '
written by
Dan
ring ring *click*
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,..
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! sucking my very life blood away
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! tyler? what are you doing?
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! just checking the phone message hon
*beeep*
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stumpy Bear Rides Again '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: we’re making dartboards in anger management class.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Period Film '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: would you like to watch a generic period film?
:Tyler says: oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: you have no heart.
:Tyler says: i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake.
:Monigue says: i wish i could drop you into a hole.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ignore '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Plants '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: my herb garden isn’t doing very well.
:Monigue says: they say that plants benefit from being talked to.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' When I Eats Me Spinach '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: hi.
:Monigue says: umm...hello.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.
:Monigue says: i did. what makes you think she hasn’t?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.
:Monigue says: that would explain the loud thud we heard last night.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Was Your Father a Glazier? '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: so...how’s the invisibility potion then?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Clumps of Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning?
:Tyler says: it just means i’m more manly.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will.
:Tyler says: if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
a few predictable days later.
:Tyler says from offstage: oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!!
aiiiiiiiiiiy!!!!!
:Monigue says: so manly.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Without a Parachute '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.
:Monigue says: dear god tyler! he was your best friend.
:Tyler says: i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: he introduced us.
:Monigue says: oh...that’s right...fucker.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I see Donkeys! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: do you believe in ghosts?
:Tyler says: do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?
:Tyler says: you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah!
,Tyler angry.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.
:Tyler says from offstage: my dog has no nose!
:Monigue says: beware!
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: man this shit be good...i see donkeys!
:Monigue says: right, not going mad.
:Tyler says from offstage: the pain!!!!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pilot License '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.
:Monigue says from offstage: you want to fly an airplane?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i can probably organise a canon.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Do you see what I see? '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: did you keep your optometrist appointment today?
:Tyler says: optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.
:Monigue says: did she now?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.
:Monigue says: you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
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