apple i-store has a function where you can find celebrities and their favorite playlists. it gives you a bit of an insight into their personalities.
i had a look at russell crowe’s. do you know what’s number one in russell crowe’s playlist? his own crap song that he’s trying to promote.
what a wanker!
what,... a,... wanker!
no punchline. just wanted to point out that russell crowe is a wanker.
what on earth are you doing?
is it wrong to enjoy your own funk? i am enjoying my own funk.
have you ever wondered how many donkeys it would take to raise the titanic?
i can’t say that i have, no. am i right to assume these donkeys would be "pining for the fjords"?
unless you know of a special breed of underwater donkey?
it turns out that when the body of a donkey decays, it produces and retains far more gas than any other creature.
this is why donkey farmers have to puncture and bury any dead ones they find because they become hazards to low flying aircraft.
do you ever get bored of speaking shit 24/7?
what? no, it’s all true. we’ll be rich! maybe we could get some from your uncle. he’s into donkeys isn’t he?
in a manner of speaking.
your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
yeah, you know who.
voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
hotdogs for dinner!!
chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
*cough* *cough* *hurk*
tyler, are you ok?
just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
*hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
we should start a business that sells cat furs.
that is,.. a horrible idea.
i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
... especially your neck.
shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
they just don’t make toys like they used to.
4. 8. 15. 16. 23 and 42 make up tonight’s lotto numbers.
holy snapping duck shit! we’re rich!
we have to get drunk ... immediately.
the next morning...
woo *urg* hoo. go to the bank and check our balance.
huzzah! i have returned, with a wise investment. behold!
sweet jesus no! tell me you didn’t spend all our money on beans.
what price can you put on magic beans, monique? they got the house as well.
the birds are singing, the sun is shining, it’s another wonderful day.
are we on the ’happy’ suppositories today?
getting there is half the fun.
you don’t look too good. would you like me to drive you to work?
actually yes, that would be nice, thanks. i haven’t been feeling too good since some ’actress’ bit me yesterday after i told her she was a "no-talent slut." i’ll just get my things.
you get the fuck away from me!
when we are old and grey, how would you like to remember our marriage?
i would like to be able to remember all the good times, reflect upon how we loved and cherished one another.
hoping the nursing home will pump you full of hallucinogens, eh?
if they want to get paid they will.
goddamnit! you out?
well, we tried, i guess we’re stuck with each other. you’d think one of us would have gotten in a lucky shot though.
did you hear the story about the woman who was so fat and heavy that she set off a spring loaded trap and it failed completely?
i’ve never heard that urban myth
you’ve heard that story about the guy who’s drugged and wakes up in a bath full of ice and his kidneys are missing?
oh, that story gave me nightmares.
a very similar thing happened to me when i was working at the donor organ clinic.
only, i was drinking my 18th scotch on the rocks when i passed out. when i woke up, i was in a bathtub full of kidneys,..
and all my ice had gone.
have you ever tried drinking warm scotch? it was horrifying.
hey monique! you know voodoo dolls? well i just managed to cast a voodoo spell on a scale replica of the city of new orleans.
and the best bit is, that it’s entirely covered in teflon. i just need to hose it off and it’s as good as new.
voodoo, yeesh! like that would ever work.
i eat the flesh of babies, i store their souls in bottles...
usually, i’ll wash it down with the blood of kittens...
i love you.
i don’t get it.
and you never will.
remember you promised to give the stars to me, hajiki
oh lord, not more anime!!
it’s pronounced ah-nih-meh
i can’t believe you enjoy that girlish nonsense.
yeah! my god! if ’neighbours’ had killer robots you’d probably watch that too.
in my opinion, the only things that would improve that show are killer robots.
well, strange old scientist, my friends and our dog ’scooby’ are planning on spending the night in the old abandoned hologram factory.
the hologram factory? why, you don’t want to go there. that place is haunted.
these new episodes of ’scooby doo’ are very, very predictable
don’t tell me!!
do you think i could be a successful pole dancer?
what? that’s ridiculous,.. you’re not polish
i meant a table top dancer.
people have to eat off there. don’t even joke about a thing like that.
it’s going to be hard to dance around a pole that’s wrapped around your pointy little head.
i recognise this song.
somebody quayed my car.
what’s the problem? that sort of stuff will just buff right out. you’ve got the stuff in your garage.
they didn’t ’key’ my car, they dropped it in the bay.
did you hear that jamie wrote his wife’s name in the sky for their anniversary?
big deal! i’ve done that for you before.
i said ’sky’,.. not ’snow’.
same thing. they’re both very elemental.
i still get dirty looks when i go to that indoor ski slope.
,..well, you’re a festering boil on the arse of humanity,..
database addressing error,..
okay jon, i won’t eat the lasanga
that’s a good cat
munch munch munch
oh, i hate mondays
arrr, me land lubbin’ wench. though a fine one it be, what be you doin’ buyin’ fer ye’self a new car?
my boss thought it would be a good idea to park his disgustingly large humvee on top of my astra. after i returned his testicles, he hired a new mercedes r-class for me to drive whilst he has my car repaired.
oh, i see, very clever dear.
r341i53 /\/\y 1337 c0mic 5ki11z!
my boss said he wanted to lick my anus.
he’d better have been joking!
he said it was all tongue in cheek.
woah, must be my nuts coming up.
cashews, i had some cashews earlier. filthy girl.
there’s a joke somewhere in there about your balls having never dropped but to be quite honest, i couldn’t be stuffed.
hello, is this the tyler-monique residence?
we need you to come collect your intoxicated husband from the local police station.
he was found asking a tree for sex, and claiming to be "the lizard queen".
*sigh* again? i’ll bring the cage...
hello? am i comin’ to practice? fo’ shizzle s-bear. ’cow man 7’ will ride again!
yeah, i’m walking. we just got these new cordless phones. they can be used anywhere in the house, they’re great.
tyler don’t take it in there ... tyler!
ahhh. where am i now? let’s just say it’s a relief to have access to such a technological convenience. s-bear?
monique, i just lost my call. i don’t think the phones work in here.
oh, i’m sure they do ... grot.
i think our house is haunted.
too much tv for you, young man.
no, seriously. something keeps turning things off.
well, first it turned off my sex life, then my love for you, then my will to live.
now it just has to turn off your mouth.