i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.
i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?
supermarket trolley wheels!
supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.
that was me.
hi there, is this tyler?
yes? who’s this?
good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35
good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.
don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.
i’m going out sweetie.
aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.
imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.
it’d be the perfect scam.
so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?
i wonder if the olympics will make "tonsil hockey" a national sport...
at least you already know you suck.
teehee! when monique is away, tyler will play...or in this case, download some porn!
tyler! i’m home; to wreck your fun!
*sigh* this is going to be a long night.
i ofudn a edr nep no het lofor. si it uyors?
ho, ko hetn.
are you feeling ok? you sound a little off.
i elfe nfie. hwy do uyo ska?
i hate you...
murmuring to yourself again? you know, a few broken ribs could change your feelings for me.
yes, but a few less ribs would rid my need of you anyway.
when your neck breaks, can i pawn your kidneys?
imagine if i got a piece of pvc piping and i got it to follow me around constantly.
well, then i’d have a led pipe.
you’re going to get it.
man, i wish i had a lead pipe
what the hell is that noise?
i was just doing what you asked for!
you misheard me! i said "i wish you had a bigger,..."
it’s during times like these, i wish i had a tactical nuclear device.
oh, absolutely. i could achieve so much--
it’s a pity i’m the one with the tactical nuclear device then, isn’t it?
apple i-store has a function where you can find celebrities and their favorite playlists. it gives you a bit of an insight into their personalities.
i had a look at russell crowe’s. do you know what’s number one in russell crowe’s playlist? his own crap song that he’s trying to promote.
what a wanker!
what,... a,... wanker!
no punchline. just wanted to point out that russell crowe is a wanker.
what on earth are you doing?
is it wrong to enjoy your own funk? i am enjoying my own funk.
have you ever wondered how many donkeys it would take to raise the titanic?
i can’t say that i have, no. am i right to assume these donkeys would be "pining for the fjords"?
unless you know of a special breed of underwater donkey?
it turns out that when the body of a donkey decays, it produces and retains far more gas than any other creature.
this is why donkey farmers have to puncture and bury any dead ones they find because they become hazards to low flying aircraft.
do you ever get bored of speaking shit 24/7?
what? no, it’s all true. we’ll be rich! maybe we could get some from your uncle. he’s into donkeys isn’t he?
in a manner of speaking.
your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
yeah, you know who.
voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
hotdogs for dinner!!
chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
*cough* *cough* *hurk*
tyler, are you ok?
just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
*hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
we should start a business that sells cat furs.
that is,.. a horrible idea.
i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
... especially your neck.
shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
they just don’t make toys like they used to.
4. 8. 15. 16. 23 and 42 make up tonight’s lotto numbers.
holy snapping duck shit! we’re rich!
we have to get drunk ... immediately.
the next morning...
woo *urg* hoo. go to the bank and check our balance.
huzzah! i have returned, with a wise investment. behold!
sweet jesus no! tell me you didn’t spend all our money on beans.
what price can you put on magic beans, monique? they got the house as well.
the birds are singing, the sun is shining, it’s another wonderful day.
are we on the ’happy’ suppositories today?
getting there is half the fun.
you don’t look too good. would you like me to drive you to work?
actually yes, that would be nice, thanks. i haven’t been feeling too good since some ’actress’ bit me yesterday after i told her she was a "no-talent slut." i’ll just get my things.
you get the fuck away from me!
when we are old and grey, how would you like to remember our marriage?
i would like to be able to remember all the good times, reflect upon how we loved and cherished one another.
hoping the nursing home will pump you full of hallucinogens, eh?
if they want to get paid they will.
goddamnit! you out?
well, we tried, i guess we’re stuck with each other. you’d think one of us would have gotten in a lucky shot though.
did you hear the story about the woman who was so fat and heavy that she set off a spring loaded trap and it failed completely?
i’ve never heard that urban myth
you’ve heard that story about the guy who’s drugged and wakes up in a bath full of ice and his kidneys are missing?
oh, that story gave me nightmares.
a very similar thing happened to me when i was working at the donor organ clinic.
only, i was drinking my 18th scotch on the rocks when i passed out. when i woke up, i was in a bathtub full of kidneys,..
and all my ice had gone.
have you ever tried drinking warm scotch? it was horrifying.
hey monique! you know voodoo dolls? well i just managed to cast a voodoo spell on a scale replica of the city of new orleans.
and the best bit is, that it’s entirely covered in teflon. i just need to hose it off and it’s as good as new.
voodoo, yeesh! like that would ever work.
i eat the flesh of babies, i store their souls in bottles...
usually, i’ll wash it down with the blood of kittens...
i love you.
i don’t get it.
and you never will.
remember you promised to give the stars to me, hajiki
oh lord, not more anime!!
it’s pronounced ah-nih-meh
i can’t believe you enjoy that girlish nonsense.
yeah! my god! if ’neighbours’ had killer robots you’d probably watch that too.
in my opinion, the only things that would improve that show are killer robots.
well, strange old scientist, my friends and our dog ’scooby’ are planning on spending the night in the old abandoned hologram factory.
the hologram factory? why, you don’t want to go there. that place is haunted.
these new episodes of ’scooby doo’ are very, very predictable
don’t tell me!!