monique! what’s the big idea swapping some arty farty video with my favourite cheerleader movie?!
yes you! why don’t you do something useful and answer the phone!
i think you’ll find it’s for you dear.
hello? yes. what?!
oh, you muthafu...
donkeys are by far the best source of vitamin q the world has ever seen. i know this because my family has been breeding donkeys for the past 17 generations.
phantasms eat regularly to help keep those annoying monkey burgers at bay. remember what they say, "a monkey burger a day, helps keep the giraffes from eating your small intestines while you sleep."
when i lick the noodles of my mind, i immediately understand life. i become life. to lick the noodles of my mind is to understand perfection as seen from the lickable noodles of my mind. i lick therefore i am.
reform no other before me, i am as the wind through the undergarments of life. i am the undergarments of life. i blow therefore i lick therefore i am. so it is written, so shall it be, forever more.
i want your soul.
my soul? i don’t think so.
you wanted to marry me, you wanted my love. i gave you my love as you gave me yours. your love is mine, and no others. i want your soul!
my soul is my own. without it, i am not me. how may i freely give my love to you if i am... not?
i want your soul!
i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.
i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?
supermarket trolley wheels!
supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.
that was me.
hi there, is this tyler?
yes? who’s this?
good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35
good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.
don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.
i’m going out sweetie.
aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.
imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.
it’d be the perfect scam.
so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?
i wonder if the olympics will make "tonsil hockey" a national sport...
at least you already know you suck.
teehee! when monique is away, tyler will play...or in this case, download some porn!
tyler! i’m home; to wreck your fun!
*sigh* this is going to be a long night.
i ofudn a edr nep no het lofor. si it uyors?
ho, ko hetn.
are you feeling ok? you sound a little off.
i elfe nfie. hwy do uyo ska?
i hate you...
murmuring to yourself again? you know, a few broken ribs could change your feelings for me.
yes, but a few less ribs would rid my need of you anyway.
when your neck breaks, can i pawn your kidneys?
imagine if i got a piece of pvc piping and i got it to follow me around constantly.
well, then i’d have a led pipe.
you’re going to get it.
man, i wish i had a lead pipe
what the hell is that noise?
i was just doing what you asked for!
you misheard me! i said "i wish you had a bigger,..."
it’s during times like these, i wish i had a tactical nuclear device.
oh, absolutely. i could achieve so much--
it’s a pity i’m the one with the tactical nuclear device then, isn’t it?
apple i-store has a function where you can find celebrities and their favorite playlists. it gives you a bit of an insight into their personalities.
i had a look at russell crowe’s. do you know what’s number one in russell crowe’s playlist? his own crap song that he’s trying to promote.
what a wanker!
what,... a,... wanker!
no punchline. just wanted to point out that russell crowe is a wanker.
what on earth are you doing?
is it wrong to enjoy your own funk? i am enjoying my own funk.
have you ever wondered how many donkeys it would take to raise the titanic?
i can’t say that i have, no. am i right to assume these donkeys would be "pining for the fjords"?
unless you know of a special breed of underwater donkey?
it turns out that when the body of a donkey decays, it produces and retains far more gas than any other creature.
this is why donkey farmers have to puncture and bury any dead ones they find because they become hazards to low flying aircraft.
do you ever get bored of speaking shit 24/7?
what? no, it’s all true. we’ll be rich! maybe we could get some from your uncle. he’s into donkeys isn’t he?
in a manner of speaking.
your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
yeah, you know who.
voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
hotdogs for dinner!!
chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
*cough* *cough* *hurk*
tyler, are you ok?
just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
*hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
we should start a business that sells cat furs.
that is,.. a horrible idea.
i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
... especially your neck.
shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
they just don’t make toys like they used to.
4. 8. 15. 16. 23 and 42 make up tonight’s lotto numbers.
holy snapping duck shit! we’re rich!
we have to get drunk ... immediately.
the next morning...
woo *urg* hoo. go to the bank and check our balance.
huzzah! i have returned, with a wise investment. behold!
sweet jesus no! tell me you didn’t spend all our money on beans.
what price can you put on magic beans, monique? they got the house as well.
the birds are singing, the sun is shining, it’s another wonderful day.
are we on the ’happy’ suppositories today?
getting there is half the fun.
you don’t look too good. would you like me to drive you to work?
actually yes, that would be nice, thanks. i haven’t been feeling too good since some ’actress’ bit me yesterday after i told her she was a "no-talent slut." i’ll just get my things.
you get the fuck away from me!
when we are old and grey, how would you like to remember our marriage?
i would like to be able to remember all the good times, reflect upon how we loved and cherished one another.
hoping the nursing home will pump you full of hallucinogens, eh?
if they want to get paid they will.
goddamnit! you out?
well, we tried, i guess we’re stuck with each other. you’d think one of us would have gotten in a lucky shot though.
did you hear the story about the woman who was so fat and heavy that she set off a spring loaded trap and it failed completely?
i’ve never heard that urban myth
you’ve heard that story about the guy who’s drugged and wakes up in a bath full of ice and his kidneys are missing?
oh, that story gave me nightmares.
a very similar thing happened to me when i was working at the donor organ clinic.
only, i was drinking my 18th scotch on the rocks when i passed out. when i woke up, i was in a bathtub full of kidneys,..
and all my ice had gone.
have you ever tried drinking warm scotch? it was horrifying.
hey monique! you know voodoo dolls? well i just managed to cast a voodoo spell on a scale replica of the city of new orleans.
and the best bit is, that it’s entirely covered in teflon. i just need to hose it off and it’s as good as new.
voodoo, yeesh! like that would ever work.
i eat the flesh of babies, i store their souls in bottles...
usually, i’ll wash it down with the blood of kittens...
i love you.
i don’t get it.
and you never will.
remember you promised to give the stars to me, hajiki
oh lord, not more anime!!
it’s pronounced ah-nih-meh
i can’t believe you enjoy that girlish nonsense.
yeah! my god! if ’neighbours’ had killer robots you’d probably watch that too.
in my opinion, the only things that would improve that show are killer robots.
well, strange old scientist, my friends and our dog ’scooby’ are planning on spending the night in the old abandoned hologram factory.
the hologram factory? why, you don’t want to go there. that place is haunted.
these new episodes of ’scooby doo’ are very, very predictable
don’t tell me!!
do you think i could be a successful pole dancer?
what? that’s ridiculous,.. you’re not polish
i meant a table top dancer.
people have to eat off there. don’t even joke about a thing like that.
it’s going to be hard to dance around a pole that’s wrapped around your pointy little head.
i recognise this song.
somebody quayed my car.
what’s the problem? that sort of stuff will just buff right out. you’ve got the stuff in your garage.
they didn’t ’key’ my car, they dropped it in the bay.
did you hear that jamie wrote his wife’s name in the sky for their anniversary?
big deal! i’ve done that for you before.
i said ’sky’,.. not ’snow’.
same thing. they’re both very elemental.
i still get dirty looks when i go to that indoor ski slope.
,..well, you’re a festering boil on the arse of humanity,..
database addressing error,..
okay jon, i won’t eat the lasanga
that’s a good cat
munch munch munch
oh, i hate mondays
arrr, me land lubbin’ wench. though a fine one it be, what be you doin’ buyin’ fer ye’self a new car?
my boss thought it would be a good idea to park his disgustingly large humvee on top of my astra. after i returned his testicles, he hired a new mercedes r-class for me to drive whilst he has my car repaired.
oh, i see, very clever dear.
r341i53 /\/\y 1337 c0mic 5ki11z!
my boss said he wanted to lick my anus.
he’d better have been joking!
he said it was all tongue in cheek.
woah, must be my nuts coming up.
cashews, i had some cashews earlier. filthy girl.
there’s a joke somewhere in there about your balls having never dropped but to be quite honest, i couldn’t be stuffed.
hello, is this the tyler-monique residence?
we need you to come collect your intoxicated husband from the local police station.
he was found asking a tree for sex, and claiming to be "the lizard queen".
*sigh* again? i’ll bring the cage...
hello? am i comin’ to practice? fo’ shizzle s-bear. ’cow man 7’ will ride again!
yeah, i’m walking. we just got these new cordless phones. they can be used anywhere in the house, they’re great.
tyler don’t take it in there ... tyler!
ahhh. where am i now? let’s just say it’s a relief to have access to such a technological convenience. s-bear?
monique, i just lost my call. i don’t think the phones work in here.
oh, i’m sure they do ... grot.
i think our house is haunted.
too much tv for you, young man.
no, seriously. something keeps turning things off.
well, first it turned off my sex life, then my love for you, then my will to live.
now it just has to turn off your mouth.
we should go on holidays...to somewhere maybe in europe.
now why should we do that?? sounds like a waste of money to me!
it says here that paris has the best nude beaches in the world.
i’ll get the keys!
i knew you would see it my way.
"fur is murder," right?
what if i was to remove and wear the skins of people who buy fur? is that murder?
generally speaking, yes.
oh, that’s no fun.
diiiiid,... yoouuuuu,... earth,.... miiiiiy,... hair-dryeeeerrr,.. afteeeeeer,.. yoooooou,.... rewirreed,... it,...?
yes, of course.
shuuut,... iiit,... ooooff,.. yoooou,.. priiiiick !!
serenity comes out tomorrow. glee!
didn’t you mention your boss wanted you to stay back late tomorrow to finish off those tps reports?
why are you so excited about,...
*cough* *gag* *cough!*
i crave the flesh of humans!
wha... cravings?! oh no! monique, you’re not pregnant are you?!
i am not monique. i am unicron, devourer of worlds. i crave the flesh of humans!
aaaaaaaaaahhhh .... hey, wait a minute...
what’s with you?
i just travelled back from the past where i killed your grandfather before he could conceive you.
by the way, it turns out, your grandma’s a slut.
wow! it says here on e! news live that george w. bush is going to marry paris hilton.
everything on that show is made up and only stupid people believe them.
lies! you speak lies!
did you know the network is changing the show’s name to gullible! news live.
what?! but the name makes up 50% of the show!
i rest my case.
nope, this blows.
i was enjoying it.
tyler! if you don’t get up soon, you’ll be late for work.
i’m sleeping in. i don’t feel like going in today.
you bastard! you’ve been messing with my pda again, it’s saturday!
ha ha ha
ha ha ha
then they asked-
-when we were having kids, i know!
ha ha ha
ha ha ha
agh!! jesus!! what the hell is that??!!
i replaced the old dvd player.
but,. wha,.. so??!!
this one has a zoom function!!
and i thought it was big before,..
i played lawn bowls with my friends last night.
how do you play that one?
you have to try to roll your weighted bowl and get it closest to the jack.
i’ve played a game like that,..
except that you had to get your "jack" closest to the,...
"my dog stains are in you thanking"?!
what the hell does that even mean? i’m sure the ’translators’ are just pulling the piss.
pulling the piss?
y’know: having a lend; pulling your leg; to come a wry one?
and what language are you translating that from?
why the hell is there a pentagram sculpted in the sand garden?
i was trying to summon a demon of hell to serve my earthly desires.
an excellent use of a saturday afternoon.
speaking of which, did you do the washing up like i asked you?
mmm, i just spent an afternoon playing burnout: revenge with s-bear. so very cool.
why can’t you have any grown up hobbies? video games are for children.
hmmm? yes. i was going to get a psp but the graphics for the xbox were great. conundrum!
but of course! there is a version of burnout available for the psp. my peepee senses are tingling!
don’t you mean your psp senses?
psp senses? don’t be daft.
ew ... why do i bother?
tyler, you’ve been spending a lot of time on that psp of yours.
revenge! ... mm?
quick question: what does your psp and your pp have in common?
they’re both handheld and fit easily inside my purse.
behold! through meditation i have achieved enlightenment. my consciousness rose to the highest of planes; i basked in its glory, and found that it was cheese.
the experience was akin to floating in a giant fondue, filled with infinity.
i thought you said it was made from-
yes, and in this highest of realms, infinity itself, is
made, from cheese!
they killed wash.
so, you didn’t like serenity?
best movie ever!
he’s so dreamy,..
why, thank you.
not you! ash mccloud from that new show.
you know, he’s not a real actor,.. he just plays one on tv.
you heard me.
i just finished stephen hawking’s a brief history of time. i was surprised at how much i thought i understood.
the guy in the wheelchair who dumped his loyal wife and shacked up with a hot nurse? funny.
please, let us bypass the adult conversation and head directly to the childish banter.
you’re just jealous that you could never pick up women as hot as the ones a guy with motor neuron disease can.
ha ha, you said ... *sigh*
so, what was this "adult conversation" thing you mentioned earlier?
in saudi arabia, did you know that it is legal to skin your neighbour’s children if they cannot recite the entirety of the koran on command?
you are such a liar.
i see you bought yourself the alfred hitchcock collection.
i watched psycho. it gave me some great ideas.
ho ho ho. well, as fun as this is, don’t you have work?
good point, i’m going,.. heh,. hitch cock!
i wonder if he’ll realise which movie i got my ideas from when he discovers i’ve sewn bird seed into his pants lining.
ieeeeeyyyyy!!!! not a worm,.. not a worm!!!
you do not know?!
i was thinking tuesday but it could be wednesday, it kinda feels like a wednesday to me.
how can she not know?
dear child, let me break this to you gently, today is
devour simian foeti day!
i think there’s an arm band or something.
nope, the calendar says it’s a tuesday.
tyler, i want to move. brisbane no longer does it for me, the idiocy rate is unacceptably high.
i think you’ll find there’s quite a bit of that going ’round lately.
how about naples or perhaps chamonix? they’re supposed to be wonderful all year.
yes but they’re full of foreigners.
fine, what about tasmania? it’s still part of australia.
we do have the same last name i suppose.
happy birfday to me. happy birfday to me. happy birfday dear ... meeeeeeee. happy birfday to me. woooooo!
what the ... tyler, it’s only 7am and you’re already three sheets to the wind!
ish ma birfday.
fine! happy birthday. i’m off to work.
eeexcelent. ish now time for the watching of da boobies and wearing of frozen cupcakes upon the forehead.
lick my frozen monkey nodules!
what happened to you?
i was riding my bicycle down the street, playing my psp, the next thing i know i’m lying flat on my back and my face hurts.
you were involved in an accident because you were doing something dumb? interesting.
i wasn’t involved in the crash. the guy who swerved off the road chased me down and punched me.
i ... when did you get a bicycle?
i forgot where i parked my car so i had to walk home. there was a bicycle chained up outside the school that no one was using so...
oh, like you wouldn’t have done the same.
your turn,.. don’t you want to know what i’ve been doing?
i’ve stopped asking about the horrifying noises that come from the bathroom when you’re in there. anyway, i need to shower.
if you’d asked i could have told you how much effort it is to create a vacuum in a room of the house.
you know what i hate about the chinese?
would it be obtuse of me to guess that you’re reflecting on their constant violation of human rights within their culture?
*sigh* i imagine it’s probably impossible to dissuade you from your own personal reality.
i mean, yuck! raw fish,.. gross!
and what’s with that nintendo crap?
and that would be my cue to stop listening now
that ’mario’ guy, he’s not even chinese.
i was just talking to my friend megan. that bastard clive has been beating her up. there’s really nothing worse than someone who gets drunk and abusive.
oh please don’t tell me you’re about to defend this.
well, at least if he’s drunk and abusive he’d miss more often.
more often than what?
than if he was just abusive.
what are you doing?
having a drink.
that’s a lot of vodka for this time of morning.
aargh! dear lord! the pain!
the fan tore my face off!
my god! how?
i put my head in it.
it seemed like a good idea at the time.
of course dear. would you like me to call for an ambulance?
if it’s not too much trouble.
cheat! no eye gouging!
i need to borrow $5 for a lottery ticket.
*sigh* okay, but on one condition. if you win, you have to take me on a sailing trip around the world.
stuck on a boat for months at a time with only you for company?
thank god the odds are 8 million to one.
woohoo! touch down!
quiet, pea brain.
don’t interrupt me during the big game!!...woman...
what big game? there’s no football on tonight...
you idiot, that’s netball.
what?! but...ohh, so the ga jersey doesn’t stand for great arse?
excuse me horse, do you speak?
i thought not.
i kill me.
who the hell are you talking to?
pxe-e61 error! what the fuck is a pxe-e61 error?!
i believe that’s the message you receive when your bios is set to boot to a lan.
how...? whatever. ok, that’s fixed.
right, just reboot the computer and everything should be back to normal.
i can’t believe i’m taking advice on computers from ... pxe-mof error?!
a pxe-mof error? ooo, i’m just going down the pub for an hour ... or seven.
i don’t hear anything.
in your kitchen? doubtful.
it says here that rex hunt was bashed and left for dead an a street in byron bay.
maybe he got caught kissing someone else’s fish.
dog breeding supports keeping bloodlines pure. making sure that there’s daschunds and terriers and bassett hounds?
and this is considered normal?
but when hitler does it, it’s bad?
i gotta get out
talk about a ’german’ shepherd
what the hell did you just spray on my hand?!
just a special formula that detects if the wearer is about to partake of any crudely disguised libation.
gah! you sprayed girly deodorant on my drinking hand! i cannot drink again!
just kill me now!
you could just change hands, doofus.
tyler? are you in there? let me in!!
and negate all my hard work grinding the teeth off your house keys? no, i don’t think so.
tyler! your new dog shat in my best shoes ... again!
you little bastard! once more dog and i’ll sell you to the butcher!
puppies will be puppies, monique.
where’d you get the money for new earrings? i thought you were broke.
i’m really very thrifty tyler, didn’t you know?
if i was to ask you how many aardvark skins it would take to cover our house, what would be your answer?
do you foresee this to be a question you’re likely to pose?
then, in all honesty tyler, i’d have to say i didn’t know.
i’d have to say "i didn’t know" too. hooray for science!
hello, pet superstore? i was just wondering if you gave partial refunds on partial returns?
if only he spent this much time and energy to become a cunning linguist.
do you remember when comic strips weren’t just a bunch of talking heads?
do you remember anything before this week?
i have a lot of damage from alcohol misuse.
that was quite the thunderstorm we had last night.
yeah, sure was. i wasn’t imagining the raining of toads was i?
frogs, i’ll think you’ll find they were.
ah, what do you suppose that was all about?
i’m sure it’s nothing.
it didn’t seem a bit wierd to you?
nah, it’s just one of those rarely occurring, natural phenomena.
righty-o ... how’s that cup of blood you’ve got there.
wow! those riots in france are getting pretty vicious.
i’ll bet the germans are having second thoughts now. ho ho ho.
you know, that joke stopped being funny about 40 years ago.
bah, that joke never stops being funny.
i heard to conceal their identities they were wearing blue and white stripped balaclavas.
i’ve decided my life needs a voice-over.
you want a voice-over?
yeah, like they had in old detective serials, something like...
’trouble’ was tyler’s middle name and just like that hooker’s face, he kept coming across it.
i’m judging you.
you’re just jealous.
i went to the mall for lunch today and was stunned by the sheer number of pregnant teenagers.
ah yes, only the stupid people are breeding. harvey danger knew the score.
nevermind. perhaps the government should be handing out free televisions instead of cash incentives for recklessly increasing the national moron quotient.
remind me to slap your mother. besides, i don’t think it would take the kids long to figure out they could do it doggie-style so they could both watch x-files.
you listen to the bloodhound gang but don’t know who harvey danger is?
so ... you wanna’ do it like they do on the discovery channel?
foxtrot uniform charlie kilo oscar foxtrot foxtrot.
they say that
time together you
end up finishing
i constantly feel like i’m in the middle of a sentence.
happy thoughts. long and thick, happy thoughts.
tyler, i’m... jesus h! so much blood! are you ok? what the hell happened?!
nothing to be alarmed about. i’ll be fine.
i got sick of looking at your mother’s false teeth embedded in the bathroom windowsill so i tried to pry them off with a screwdriver. i slipped and cut myself ... off.
that’s no small injury tyler ... so to speak, you should seek medical attention.
i can regrow my own penis thank you very much!
fine, have it your way. so, no wieners for dinner then?
ha. ha ... ow!
you know how if you have rainforest in your back garden you have pixies at the bottom of it?
yes,... if you’re six.
well we have a sand garden.
i think you should turn to the east and meet our new neighbour
you know what your problem is?
oh, everyone wants to hear that as a prelude to constructive critisism.
you’re not submissive enough?
oh, i’m sorry. is this better?
mmmm. much better.
what do we say?
i’ve become a supporter of the ’intelligent design’ theory.
the notion that evolution of the species was guided by a greater intelligence? i thought you hated that stuff.
well, it doesn’t actually specify ’god’ as being the designer.
and so i’m proposing myself as the ’greater intelligence’.
*sigh* and this has never been mentioned before because,...?
i work in,...
i think you’re forgetting what the ’i’ in ’i.d’ stands for.
when i was in highschool, my boyfriends would always smother me with gifts to show how much they loved me.
did they smother you with their love too?
university was the same, my boyfriends would lavish me with expensive dinners and outings, although the smothering usually only involved whipped cream.
alright! i get the hint. you’re feeling unloved and want some expensive smothering. i’ll be back.
just out of curiosity, where might my exorbitantly priced gift be coming from?
oh my god!! you know that boat trip we’re taking if i win the lottery?
pack your bikini
i love you, tyler
i love you, kylie
i love you, monique
fuck you, my darling!