do anything interesting today?
no, my sweet.
nothing all day?
no, my mills and boonian vision of all that is love, nothing.
you’ve been drinking again haven’t you?
nothing but drinking, my sweet apple blossom. draino now comes in six packs, bless them.
have you ever noticed that a traditional love heart, when turned upside down, looks like a bum?
every day, tyler.
really? cause i only just noti,...
oh, very trite. well done.
goddamnit! where is it?!
monique? have you seen my...ah...y’know that, thingo that i can’t find?
your thingo hey? what does it look like?
it’s green and i need it to do that thing i need to do.
well if my thingo was green i’d want to see a doctor about it.
funny. if ’it’ was green, there’s only one pot i’ve been dipping it in that would make it so....number one.
you know, you shouldn’t eat margarine. it’s ninety percent plastic.
i think what you mean to say is that it’s one molecule from being plastic.
well, that’s still bad.
that’s like saying that i should give up drinking water because it’s only one molecule from being hydrogen-peroxide.
i know, i’ll stop breathing, because oxygen is only one molecule from being ozone.
tyler, my love, when i asked you to pick up a replacement lithium-ion battery for my laptop, what type did you really purchase?
ah,... seawater and earwax.
owie! they told me it was a new universal type of battery that could power anything.
hold that thought. let’s just see if it can universally power your caboose!
what can you say about the kangaroos that hasn’t been said before?!
they routinely fellate diseased warthogs in the vain attempt to summon their one true lord and master satan, lord of the flies, devourer of souls and producer of those boils you get around the rim of your sphincter that really hurt when you try to open the freezer door just after someone’s shut it so fast that all the air has escaped making it nigh on impossible to re-open...
i’m pretty sure that’s never been said about the kangaroos before.
any other day i would have to agree but according to this article in the quibbler...
candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman.
she’s downstairs big guy.
it’s always been you helen.
monique! what’s the big idea swapping some arty farty video with my favourite cheerleader movie?!
yes you! why don’t you do something useful and answer the phone!
i think you’ll find it’s for you dear.
hello? yes. what?!
oh, you muthafu...
donkeys are by far the best source of vitamin q the world has ever seen. i know this because my family has been breeding donkeys for the past 17 generations.
phantasms eat regularly to help keep those annoying monkey burgers at bay. remember what they say, "a monkey burger a day, helps keep the giraffes from eating your small intestines while you sleep."
when i lick the noodles of my mind, i immediately understand life. i become life. to lick the noodles of my mind is to understand perfection as seen from the lickable noodles of my mind. i lick therefore i am.
reform no other before me, i am as the wind through the undergarments of life. i am the undergarments of life. i blow therefore i lick therefore i am. so it is written, so shall it be, forever more.
i want your soul.
my soul? i don’t think so.
you wanted to marry me, you wanted my love. i gave you my love as you gave me yours. your love is mine, and no others. i want your soul!
my soul is my own. without it, i am not me. how may i freely give my love to you if i am... not?
i want your soul!
i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.
i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?
supermarket trolley wheels!
supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.
that was me.
hi there, is this tyler?
yes? who’s this?
good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35
good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.
don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.
i’m going out sweetie.
aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.
imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.
it’d be the perfect scam.
so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?
i wonder if the olympics will make "tonsil hockey" a national sport...
at least you already know you suck.
teehee! when monique is away, tyler will play...or in this case, download some porn!
tyler! i’m home; to wreck your fun!
*sigh* this is going to be a long night.
i ofudn a edr nep no het lofor. si it uyors?
ho, ko hetn.
are you feeling ok? you sound a little off.
i elfe nfie. hwy do uyo ska?
i hate you...
murmuring to yourself again? you know, a few broken ribs could change your feelings for me.
yes, but a few less ribs would rid my need of you anyway.
when your neck breaks, can i pawn your kidneys?
imagine if i got a piece of pvc piping and i got it to follow me around constantly.
well, then i’d have a led pipe.
you’re going to get it.
man, i wish i had a lead pipe
what the hell is that noise?
i was just doing what you asked for!
you misheard me! i said "i wish you had a bigger,..."
it’s during times like these, i wish i had a tactical nuclear device.
oh, absolutely. i could achieve so much--
it’s a pity i’m the one with the tactical nuclear device then, isn’t it?
apple i-store has a function where you can find celebrities and their favorite playlists. it gives you a bit of an insight into their personalities.
i had a look at russell crowe’s. do you know what’s number one in russell crowe’s playlist? his own crap song that he’s trying to promote.
what a wanker!
what,... a,... wanker!
no punchline. just wanted to point out that russell crowe is a wanker.
what on earth are you doing?
is it wrong to enjoy your own funk? i am enjoying my own funk.
have you ever wondered how many donkeys it would take to raise the titanic?
i can’t say that i have, no. am i right to assume these donkeys would be "pining for the fjords"?
unless you know of a special breed of underwater donkey?
it turns out that when the body of a donkey decays, it produces and retains far more gas than any other creature.
this is why donkey farmers have to puncture and bury any dead ones they find because they become hazards to low flying aircraft.
do you ever get bored of speaking shit 24/7?
what? no, it’s all true. we’ll be rich! maybe we could get some from your uncle. he’s into donkeys isn’t he?
in a manner of speaking.
your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
yeah, you know who.
voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
hotdogs for dinner!!
chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
*cough* *cough* *hurk*
tyler, are you ok?
just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
*hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
we should start a business that sells cat furs.
that is,.. a horrible idea.
i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
... especially your neck.
shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
they just don’t make toys like they used to.