F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' The Bare Facts '

written by

Goatlord

did you get that game from your friend for the dinner party on friday?

no.

what? he said we could borrow it. we even invited the little prick to the dinner.

he changed his mind. he said it was in his car and that he was kind of using it.

he’s using a board game in his car? can’t he see over the steering wheel?

who knows? look, he’s just a little prick.

oh for chet’s sake! this always happens. i guess we’ll just have to play cards, again! i’m really getting sick of playing strip poker with your parents monique.

you and me both. *shudder*

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Michael Bay '

written by

Dan

from the creator of ’pearl harbor’ and ’armageddon’,...

transformers, the live action film.

next he’s going to travel back in time and steal all your toys.

*sob*

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Fourth Wall '

written by

Dan

beginning of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.

i am in a comic strip.

hey! so am i.

end of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Blake’s One '

written by

Goatlord

tyler, do you remember what we did with the futon?

futon? isn’t that what you measure the atomic mass of tofu in?

i had no idea tofu was on the periodic table.

oh yeah, it’s like number thirty-three or something.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' The day of the NOSE! '

written by

Goatlord

do you know what today is tyler?

oh wow, thanks, i’d almost forgotten. today is
the day of the nose.

it’s the day the whole world celebrates your filthy, enormous, wart ridden, nose!

excuse me but my nose is dainty and precious.

well... it is now.

it’s the day of the nose, the day of the nose, hooray for today as it’s the day of the nose!

no dancing on the coffee table, bacon boy.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Picks '

written by

Dan

i’m doing a tafe course to learn how to pick locks.

what?

yeah! it’s kind of fun learning a new skill.

well, there goes that plan.

what was that?

nothing.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Large’s Ark '

written by

Goatlord

hey there lebanese blonde.

let go blue eyes.

you can call me orange sky. would you like to go to the fair? we could see such great heights.

don’t panic but one of these things first, i’m in the waiting line on this winding road to see movie beat.

man, is this some new slang you’re speaking? caring is creepy.

i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.

you are the only living boy in new york.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Gaz’s Arc '

written by

Goatlord

would you like to give me an australian kiss?

am i likely to wear the dolmio grin?

no.

get a lump in my throat?

nope, not even taste a trap for mieces.

ok then.

ooo! a azor bade, at’s new.

nifty.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Memories '

written by

Dan

do you remember when there was love and romance in our lives?

ah, halcyon days.

whatever happened?

she left me.

what the,.
you fucker?

escape!!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Plumber’s Rapture '

written by

Goatlord

do anything interesting today?

no, my sweet.

nothing all day?

no, my mills and boonian vision of all that is love, nothing.

you’ve been drinking again haven’t you?

nothing but drinking, my sweet apple blossom. draino now comes in six packs, bless them.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Love heart '

written by

Dan

have you ever noticed that a traditional love heart, when turned upside down, looks like a bum?

every day, tyler.

really? cause i only just noti,...

oh, very trite. well done.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Wet Your Wick '

written by

Goatlord

crash

goddamnit! where is it?!

monique? have you seen my...ah...y’know that, thingo that i can’t find?

your thingo hey? what does it look like?

it’s green and i need it to do that thing i need to do.

well if my thingo was green i’d want to see a doctor about it.

funny. if ’it’ was green, there’s only one pot i’ve been dipping it in that would make it so....number one.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Margarine '

written by

Dan

you know, you shouldn’t eat margarine. it’s ninety percent plastic.

i think what you mean to say is that it’s one molecule from being plastic.

well, that’s still bad.

that’s like saying that i should give up drinking water because it’s only one molecule from being hydrogen-peroxide.

erm,..

i know, i’ll stop breathing, because oxygen is only one molecule from being ozone.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Alternative Therapy '

written by

Goatlord

fizzle

pop

tyler!

tyler, my love, when i asked you to pick up a replacement lithium-ion battery for my laptop, what type did you really purchase?

ah,... seawater and earwax.

owie! they told me it was a new universal type of battery that could power anything.

hold that thought. let’s just see if it can universally power your caboose!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Any Other Day... '

written by

Goatlord

what can you say about the kangaroos that hasn’t been said before?!

they routinely fellate diseased warthogs in the vain attempt to summon their one true lord and master satan, lord of the flies, devourer of souls and producer of those boils you get around the rim of your sphincter that really hurt when you try to open the freezer door just after someone’s shut it so fast that all the air has escaped making it nigh on impossible to re-open...

what?

i’m pretty sure that’s never been said about the kangaroos before.

any other day i would have to agree but according to this article in the quibbler...

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Be My Victim '

written by

Goatlord

candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman.

helen?

she’s downstairs big guy.

it’s always been you helen.

bastard!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Ringu '

written by

Goatlord

monique! what’s the big idea swapping some arty farty video with my favourite cheerleader movie?!

moi?

yes you! why don’t you do something useful and answer the phone!

i think you’ll find it’s for you dear.

fine! whatever!

hello? yes. what?!
oh, you muthafu...

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Ancient ramblings of a disenchanted youth. '

written by

Goatlord

donkeys are by far the best source of vitamin q the world has ever seen. i know this because my family has been breeding donkeys for the past 17 generations.

phantasms eat regularly to help keep those annoying monkey burgers at bay. remember what they say, "a monkey burger a day, helps keep the giraffes from eating your small intestines while you sleep."

lazy!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' A handy self affirmation. '

written by

Goatlord

when i lick the noodles of my mind, i immediately understand life. i become life. to lick the noodles of my mind is to understand perfection as seen from the lickable noodles of my mind. i lick therefore i am.

reform no other before me, i am as the wind through the undergarments of life. i am the undergarments of life. i blow therefore i lick therefore i am. so it is written, so shall it be, forever more.

ah-monkey.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Now, you are Mine! '

written by

Goatlord

i want your soul.

my soul? i don’t think so.

you wanted to marry me, you wanted my love. i gave you my love as you gave me yours. your love is mine, and no others. i want your soul!

my soul is my own. without it, i am not me. how may i freely give my love to you if i am... not?

i want your soul!

i...

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Handling '

written by

Dan

i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.

i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?

supermarket trolley wheels!

supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.

that was me.

no shit!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Competition '

written by

Dan

hi there, is this tyler?

yes? who’s this?

good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35

good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.

erm,..

don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.

*click*

i’m going out sweetie.

aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Werewolf '

written by

Dan

imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.

it’d be the perfect scam.

so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?

fucking hairdressers

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Puck-er up '

written by

Stumpybear

i wonder if the olympics will make "tonsil hockey" a national sport...

at least you already know you suck.

goal!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Tackle Happy '

written by

Stumpybear

teehee! when monique is away, tyler will play...or in this case, download some porn!

2%...2%...2%...

tyler! i’m home; to wreck your fun!

*sigh* this is going to be a long night.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' nkMyeo aigtnE. '

written by

Goatlord

i ofudn a edr nep no het lofor. si it uyors?

no.

ho, ko hetn.

are you feeling ok? you sound a little off.

i elfe nfie. hwy do uyo ska?

no reason.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Crouching Woman, Burning Sensation '

written by

Stumpybear

i hate you...

murmuring to yourself again? you know, a few broken ribs could change your feelings for me.

yes, but a few less ribs would rid my need of you anyway.

when your neck breaks, can i pawn your kidneys?

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Pipe '

written by

Dan

imagine if i got a piece of pvc piping and i got it to follow me around constantly.

and?

well, then i’d have a led pipe.

doyagetit?
doyagetit?

you’re going to get it.

man, i wish i had a lead pipe

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' TICK! '

written by

Dan

tick!

what the hell is that noise?

tick!

i was just doing what you asked for!

tick!

you misheard me! i said "i wish you had a bigger,..."

tick!

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Cows With Guns '

written by

Goatlord

it’s during times like these, i wish i had a tactical nuclear device.

uh-huh.

oh, absolutely. i could achieve so much--

--for yourself.

of course.

it’s a pity i’m the one with the tactical nuclear device then, isn’t it?

bah!