you know, everyone remembers that van gogh cut off his own ear, but it’s not like that was a big thing?
well, he was a painter. if he wanted to make a big impact he could have gouged out one of his eyes. wouldn’t that have been a romantic gesture?
i always thought that it was romantic when you sent me an ear in the post.
that is, until i realised it wasn’t yours.
...yeah, good one mate. listen, i’ve got to go. there’s a shapely young thing waiting for me in the sack, if you know what i mean, heh heh.
that’s right! she’s even got her name tattooed on her side, totally wild man. monique? nah, absolutely clueless. i’ll talk to you later, i’ve got to relieve someone of their ability to walk. oh, yeah!
oh, hey monique. no, you’ve got it all wrong. c’mon, put the bat down. look, it’s just...
dear lord noooo!
you killed my beer!
deftly, he sidesteps the poorly worded and yea, mispelt slur against his prowess in the boudoir.
zing! tyler masterfully ripostes with his rapier like wit. the ice maiden grovels before him in obeisance.
did you say something dear?
phew! i’ve finally managed to net off the paw-paw trees in the back yard. no more bat problems.
tyler? have you seen my fish-nets?
whoa! that was quick.
ok, we’ll try it again. what do you get if you multiply six by nine?
that’s just dumb.
it’s my cousin’s birthday next week but she’s got the "travel bug" and i don’t know where she’ll be to send her a present.
send it by owl.
i noticed you didn’t eat the lovely mushrooms i cooked into the dinner last night.
you know i don’t like them. eating mushrooms is like eating something that’s dead.
ah hermione, you sexy little know-it-all. if only you were real...
hey tyler, are you up to the bit where hermione dies yet?
nooo!! my life, it flashes before my eyes!
mmmm, reading each new ’harry potter’ book is like putting on a favoured old coat or perhaps a brand new pair of woollen socks. they feel so warm and snuggly, very easy to slip into.
although, the same could be said of a two dollar whore.
but we won’t.
what are you watching?
’monk,’ yet another dopey american detective show.
does he spell his name with a silent ’e’ and ’y’?
ooo, ooo, ooo!
ok, i’ll bite. what’s got you so steamed?
the patent office rejected another of my applications! it was the best one yet!
how could they reject a "vaginal sneakoscope"?!
i want you to be on your best behaviour at this dinner party tonight.
of course. you can trust me.
later that night.
i can’t believe you!! i can’t take you anywhere!!
what the hell is your problem? all i did was say that i liked her hat.
she is a siamese twin.
oh,.. that would explain why it was so life like,...
,..and foul mouthed.
"nose biting is said still to be practised in micronesia. while nose biting is a well described phenomenon, this is not the case with bites to the penis,..."
chew my domesticated beast of burden.
i am not eating your vomit tyler.
yes you’re very clever but i refuse to "chew your yak."
oh, no, what i meant was, bite my ass, y’know donkey, ha ha. fine, just forget it.
perhaps i can get the yak to take lessons from the micronesians.
dear? why did the bank send us a ’thank-you’ letter for taking out a second mortgage on the house when we haven’t taken out a second mortgage?
i needed some money to finance a new project i’m working on.
your going to finance your own movie by remor... you did it to buy more beads didn’t you?
it’s a very unhealthy obsesion monique. whilst i admit the bead underpants are extremely stimulating, i think you should sto..
did you get that game from your friend for the dinner party on friday?
what? he said we could borrow it. we even invited the little prick to the dinner.
he changed his mind. he said it was in his car and that he was kind of using it.
he’s using a board game in his car? can’t he see over the steering wheel?
who knows? look, he’s just a little prick.
oh for chet’s sake! this always happens. i guess we’ll just have to play cards, again! i’m really getting sick of playing strip poker with your parents monique.
you and me both. *shudder*
from the creator of ’pearl harbor’ and ’armageddon’,...
transformers, the live action film.
next he’s going to travel back in time and steal all your toys.
beginning of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.
i am in a comic strip.
hey! so am i.
end of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.
tyler, do you remember what we did with the futon?
futon? isn’t that what you measure the atomic mass of tofu in?
i had no idea tofu was on the periodic table.
oh yeah, it’s like number thirty-three or something.
do you know what today is tyler?
oh wow, thanks, i’d almost forgotten. today is
the day of the nose.
it’s the day the whole world celebrates your filthy, enormous, wart ridden, nose!
excuse me but my nose is dainty and precious.
well... it is now.
it’s the day of the nose, the day of the nose, hooray for today as it’s the day of the nose!
no dancing on the coffee table, bacon boy.
i’m doing a tafe course to learn how to pick locks.
yeah! it’s kind of fun learning a new skill.
well, there goes that plan.
what was that?
hey there lebanese blonde.
let go blue eyes.
you can call me orange sky. would you like to go to the fair? we could see such great heights.
don’t panic but one of these things first, i’m in the waiting line on this winding road to see movie beat.
man, is this some new slang you’re speaking? caring is creepy.
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
you are the only living boy in new york.
would you like to give me an australian kiss?
am i likely to wear the dolmio grin?
get a lump in my throat?
nope, not even taste a trap for mieces.
ooo! a azor bade, at’s new.
do you remember when there was love and romance in our lives?
ah, halcyon days.
she left me.
do anything interesting today?
no, my sweet.
nothing all day?
no, my mills and boonian vision of all that is love, nothing.
you’ve been drinking again haven’t you?
nothing but drinking, my sweet apple blossom. draino now comes in six packs, bless them.
have you ever noticed that a traditional love heart, when turned upside down, looks like a bum?
every day, tyler.
really? cause i only just noti,...
oh, very trite. well done.
goddamnit! where is it?!
monique? have you seen my...ah...y’know that, thingo that i can’t find?
your thingo hey? what does it look like?
it’s green and i need it to do that thing i need to do.
well if my thingo was green i’d want to see a doctor about it.
funny. if ’it’ was green, there’s only one pot i’ve been dipping it in that would make it so....number one.
you know, you shouldn’t eat margarine. it’s ninety percent plastic.
i think what you mean to say is that it’s one molecule from being plastic.
well, that’s still bad.
that’s like saying that i should give up drinking water because it’s only one molecule from being hydrogen-peroxide.
i know, i’ll stop breathing, because oxygen is only one molecule from being ozone.
tyler, my love, when i asked you to pick up a replacement lithium-ion battery for my laptop, what type did you really purchase?
ah,... seawater and earwax.
owie! they told me it was a new universal type of battery that could power anything.
hold that thought. let’s just see if it can universally power your caboose!
what can you say about the kangaroos that hasn’t been said before?!
they routinely fellate diseased warthogs in the vain attempt to summon their one true lord and master satan, lord of the flies, devourer of souls and producer of those boils you get around the rim of your sphincter that really hurt when you try to open the freezer door just after someone’s shut it so fast that all the air has escaped making it nigh on impossible to re-open...
i’m pretty sure that’s never been said about the kangaroos before.
any other day i would have to agree but according to this article in the quibbler...
candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman.
she’s downstairs big guy.
it’s always been you helen.