hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
but i don’t have any porn...in there.
that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
in a dictionary?
no, that’s where i keep the porn.
is she still out there?
yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
you could always talk to her yourself.
are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.
you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.
i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.
i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?
well, it may be because i soaked your pants in beef last night... or perhaps the dogs just preferred something hairy, smelly and infested with fleas.
it has to stop, and it has to stop now.
i don’t know what you’re talking about.
that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.
there’s nothing scary about clown music.
i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.
clown’s are funny!
huff. huff. huff. huff-a huff-a huff-a huff-a, woooooooo!
what are you watching in there?
ok, everybody out!
some old gang bang movie i’d forgotten i’d had. wow, they don’t make porn stars like they used to. i didn’t think she’d be able to walk away from that train crash.
i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.
yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland.
if you thought mars was the god of war,....
i’m already running!
i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.
wasting your money on stupid gimmicks just to listen to music. that’s so lame.
oh, very funny! you know,.. you can be a complete ba,....
have you been sending me blackmail again?
what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?
i received some extremely bizarre pictures of black men having sex...again.
oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present.
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
tyler...are you praying?? you do know that god doesn’t exist, right?
you know, this is all your fault monique.
yowser to the red monkey paste!
do i want to know?
chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time.
at least until next wednesday.
and now a cartoon involving a polar bear in a snow storm.
what the fuck was that?
*sniff**sniff* that air freshener must finally be working. i can barely smell you.
nah, i just found a cork with a good enough seal.
you put a cork...? oh tyler, that’s just... why?
well, you know that joke rodney rude does? "jeeze mate, that would have lifted a lighter man clear off his seat!"
i thought i’d test the theory out, mythbusters style. oh-oh...here we go.
impressively aerobatic, if a little wiffy.
i’ve been reading the novel ’1984’. it’s so cool. a dangerously beaurocratic future.
war is peace.
ignorance is strength.
a sick and tired marriage is romance?
i think that the tv show ’big brother’ could gain some inspiration from that book.
imagine that there was no eviction. just one day your roommate was ’vanished’, and never refered to again.
’this is big brother. there never was a sixth roommate. any memory you have of one must be false’
mmm..this licorice is really chewy.
but hard and crunchy on the inside.
why isn’t my computer working? hey! who took my extension cord?!
oh god. at least this time it wasn’t plugged in.
the most rockenest, hippest and coolest band the world is ever likely to see! plus we have the highest content of donkey sauce ever to come out of brisvegas! wanna be my groupie?
as tempting as that offer is, i do have a prior commitment to chew out my own eyeballs.
tyler, you don’t have to actually be a rockstar in order to feel like one.
you just have to be putting it away with an underage model and snort an obscene amout of cocaine.
although, that’s just for you’re average joe. you however, are going to have to be able to eat lead and shit gold.
your friend you got my new hard drive from, he’s a bit of a comedian is he?
wes? he has his moments i suppose. why do you ask?
oh, i don’t know, perhaps it’s got something to do with the 40gb of hard core bestiality he pre-loaded onto the hard drive?!
girl on horse, girl on dog, dog on horse, ferrets in cows, man on postbox... it is all disgusting and i am not amused!
technically, i don’t think that last one counts. if you’d like, i could take it back and get you another, stain free, hard drive.
sicko. you’d sprain both your wrists before you got through that lot.
it’s an art form my dear. you just have to pace yourself.
screw you very much for that mental image. i’m off to snort some napisan.
frighteningly loud farty sound!
ahhh, better out than in.
for you maybe. damn woman!
sweet, sweet relief.
i think you killed the neighbour’s kid.
serves him right for being locked in our basement.
you know, everyone remembers that van gogh cut off his own ear, but it’s not like that was a big thing?
well, he was a painter. if he wanted to make a big impact he could have gouged out one of his eyes. wouldn’t that have been a romantic gesture?
i always thought that it was romantic when you sent me an ear in the post.
that is, until i realised it wasn’t yours.
...yeah, good one mate. listen, i’ve got to go. there’s a shapely young thing waiting for me in the sack, if you know what i mean, heh heh.
that’s right! she’s even got her name tattooed on her side, totally wild man. monique? nah, absolutely clueless. i’ll talk to you later, i’ve got to relieve someone of their ability to walk. oh, yeah!
oh, hey monique. no, you’ve got it all wrong. c’mon, put the bat down. look, it’s just...
dear lord noooo!
you killed my beer!
deftly, he sidesteps the poorly worded and yea, mispelt slur against his prowess in the boudoir.
zing! tyler masterfully ripostes with his rapier like wit. the ice maiden grovels before him in obeisance.
did you say something dear?
phew! i’ve finally managed to net off the paw-paw trees in the back yard. no more bat problems.
tyler? have you seen my fish-nets?
whoa! that was quick.
ok, we’ll try it again. what do you get if you multiply six by nine?
that’s just dumb.
it’s my cousin’s birthday next week but she’s got the "travel bug" and i don’t know where she’ll be to send her a present.
send it by owl.
i noticed you didn’t eat the lovely mushrooms i cooked into the dinner last night.
you know i don’t like them. eating mushrooms is like eating something that’s dead.
ah hermione, you sexy little know-it-all. if only you were real...
hey tyler, are you up to the bit where hermione dies yet?
nooo!! my life, it flashes before my eyes!
mmmm, reading each new ’harry potter’ book is like putting on a favoured old coat or perhaps a brand new pair of woollen socks. they feel so warm and snuggly, very easy to slip into.
although, the same could be said of a two dollar whore.
but we won’t.
what are you watching?
’monk,’ yet another dopey american detective show.
does he spell his name with a silent ’e’ and ’y’?
ooo, ooo, ooo!
ok, i’ll bite. what’s got you so steamed?
the patent office rejected another of my applications! it was the best one yet!
how could they reject a "vaginal sneakoscope"?!
i want you to be on your best behaviour at this dinner party tonight.
of course. you can trust me.
later that night.
i can’t believe you!! i can’t take you anywhere!!
what the hell is your problem? all i did was say that i liked her hat.
she is a siamese twin.
oh,.. that would explain why it was so life like,...
,..and foul mouthed.
"nose biting is said still to be practised in micronesia. while nose biting is a well described phenomenon, this is not the case with bites to the penis,..."
chew my domesticated beast of burden.
i am not eating your vomit tyler.
yes you’re very clever but i refuse to "chew your yak."
oh, no, what i meant was, bite my ass, y’know donkey, ha ha. fine, just forget it.
perhaps i can get the yak to take lessons from the micronesians.
dear? why did the bank send us a ’thank-you’ letter for taking out a second mortgage on the house when we haven’t taken out a second mortgage?
i needed some money to finance a new project i’m working on.
your going to finance your own movie by remor... you did it to buy more beads didn’t you?
it’s a very unhealthy obsesion monique. whilst i admit the bead underpants are extremely stimulating, i think you should sto..
did you get that game from your friend for the dinner party on friday?
what? he said we could borrow it. we even invited the little prick to the dinner.
he changed his mind. he said it was in his car and that he was kind of using it.
he’s using a board game in his car? can’t he see over the steering wheel?
who knows? look, he’s just a little prick.
oh for chet’s sake! this always happens. i guess we’ll just have to play cards, again! i’m really getting sick of playing strip poker with your parents monique.
you and me both. *shudder*
from the creator of ’pearl harbor’ and ’armageddon’,...
transformers, the live action film.
next he’s going to travel back in time and steal all your toys.
beginning of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.
i am in a comic strip.
hey! so am i.
end of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.
tyler, do you remember what we did with the futon?
futon? isn’t that what you measure the atomic mass of tofu in?
i had no idea tofu was on the periodic table.
oh yeah, it’s like number thirty-three or something.
do you know what today is tyler?
oh wow, thanks, i’d almost forgotten. today is
the day of the nose.
it’s the day the whole world celebrates your filthy, enormous, wart ridden, nose!
excuse me but my nose is dainty and precious.
well... it is now.
it’s the day of the nose, the day of the nose, hooray for today as it’s the day of the nose!
no dancing on the coffee table, bacon boy.
i’m doing a tafe course to learn how to pick locks.
yeah! it’s kind of fun learning a new skill.
well, there goes that plan.
what was that?
hey there lebanese blonde.
let go blue eyes.
you can call me orange sky. would you like to go to the fair? we could see such great heights.
don’t panic but one of these things first, i’m in the waiting line on this winding road to see movie beat.
man, is this some new slang you’re speaking? caring is creepy.
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
you are the only living boy in new york.
would you like to give me an australian kiss?
am i likely to wear the dolmio grin?
get a lump in my throat?
nope, not even taste a trap for mieces.
ooo! a azor bade, at’s new.
do you remember when there was love and romance in our lives?
ah, halcyon days.
she left me.
do anything interesting today?
no, my sweet.
nothing all day?
no, my mills and boonian vision of all that is love, nothing.
you’ve been drinking again haven’t you?
nothing but drinking, my sweet apple blossom. draino now comes in six packs, bless them.
have you ever noticed that a traditional love heart, when turned upside down, looks like a bum?
every day, tyler.
really? cause i only just noti,...
oh, very trite. well done.
goddamnit! where is it?!
monique? have you seen my...ah...y’know that, thingo that i can’t find?
your thingo hey? what does it look like?
it’s green and i need it to do that thing i need to do.
well if my thingo was green i’d want to see a doctor about it.
funny. if ’it’ was green, there’s only one pot i’ve been dipping it in that would make it so....number one.
you know, you shouldn’t eat margarine. it’s ninety percent plastic.
i think what you mean to say is that it’s one molecule from being plastic.
well, that’s still bad.
that’s like saying that i should give up drinking water because it’s only one molecule from being hydrogen-peroxide.
i know, i’ll stop breathing, because oxygen is only one molecule from being ozone.
tyler, my love, when i asked you to pick up a replacement lithium-ion battery for my laptop, what type did you really purchase?
ah,... seawater and earwax.
owie! they told me it was a new universal type of battery that could power anything.
hold that thought. let’s just see if it can universally power your caboose!
what can you say about the kangaroos that hasn’t been said before?!
they routinely fellate diseased warthogs in the vain attempt to summon their one true lord and master satan, lord of the flies, devourer of souls and producer of those boils you get around the rim of your sphincter that really hurt when you try to open the freezer door just after someone’s shut it so fast that all the air has escaped making it nigh on impossible to re-open...
i’m pretty sure that’s never been said about the kangaroos before.
any other day i would have to agree but according to this article in the quibbler...
candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman.
she’s downstairs big guy.
it’s always been you helen.
monique! what’s the big idea swapping some arty farty video with my favourite cheerleader movie?!
yes you! why don’t you do something useful and answer the phone!
i think you’ll find it’s for you dear.
hello? yes. what?!
oh, you muthafu...
donkeys are by far the best source of vitamin q the world has ever seen. i know this because my family has been breeding donkeys for the past 17 generations.
phantasms eat regularly to help keep those annoying monkey burgers at bay. remember what they say, "a monkey burger a day, helps keep the giraffes from eating your small intestines while you sleep."
when i lick the noodles of my mind, i immediately understand life. i become life. to lick the noodles of my mind is to understand perfection as seen from the lickable noodles of my mind. i lick therefore i am.
reform no other before me, i am as the wind through the undergarments of life. i am the undergarments of life. i blow therefore i lick therefore i am. so it is written, so shall it be, forever more.
i want your soul.
my soul? i don’t think so.
you wanted to marry me, you wanted my love. i gave you my love as you gave me yours. your love is mine, and no others. i want your soul!
my soul is my own. without it, i am not me. how may i freely give my love to you if i am... not?
i want your soul!
i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.
i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?
supermarket trolley wheels!
supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.
that was me.
hi there, is this tyler?
yes? who’s this?
good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35
good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.
don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.
i’m going out sweetie.
aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.
imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.
it’d be the perfect scam.
so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?
i wonder if the olympics will make "tonsil hockey" a national sport...
at least you already know you suck.
teehee! when monique is away, tyler will play...or in this case, download some porn!
tyler! i’m home; to wreck your fun!
*sigh* this is going to be a long night.
i ofudn a edr nep no het lofor. si it uyors?
ho, ko hetn.
are you feeling ok? you sound a little off.
i elfe nfie. hwy do uyo ska?
i hate you...
murmuring to yourself again? you know, a few broken ribs could change your feelings for me.
yes, but a few less ribs would rid my need of you anyway.
when your neck breaks, can i pawn your kidneys?
imagine if i got a piece of pvc piping and i got it to follow me around constantly.
well, then i’d have a led pipe.
you’re going to get it.
man, i wish i had a lead pipe
what the hell is that noise?
i was just doing what you asked for!
you misheard me! i said "i wish you had a bigger,..."
it’s during times like these, i wish i had a tactical nuclear device.
oh, absolutely. i could achieve so much--
it’s a pity i’m the one with the tactical nuclear device then, isn’t it?
apple i-store has a function where you can find celebrities and their favorite playlists. it gives you a bit of an insight into their personalities.
i had a look at russell crowe’s. do you know what’s number one in russell crowe’s playlist? his own crap song that he’s trying to promote.
what a wanker!
what,... a,... wanker!
no punchline. just wanted to point out that russell crowe is a wanker.
what on earth are you doing?
is it wrong to enjoy your own funk? i am enjoying my own funk.
have you ever wondered how many donkeys it would take to raise the titanic?
i can’t say that i have, no. am i right to assume these donkeys would be "pining for the fjords"?
unless you know of a special breed of underwater donkey?
it turns out that when the body of a donkey decays, it produces and retains far more gas than any other creature.
this is why donkey farmers have to puncture and bury any dead ones they find because they become hazards to low flying aircraft.
do you ever get bored of speaking shit 24/7?
what? no, it’s all true. we’ll be rich! maybe we could get some from your uncle. he’s into donkeys isn’t he?
in a manner of speaking.
your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
yeah, you know who.
voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
hotdogs for dinner!!
chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
*cough* *cough* *hurk*
tyler, are you ok?
just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
*hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
we should start a business that sells cat furs.
that is,.. a horrible idea.
i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
... especially your neck.
shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
they just don’t make toys like they used to.
4. 8. 15. 16. 23 and 42 make up tonight’s lotto numbers.
holy snapping duck shit! we’re rich!
we have to get drunk ... immediately.
the next morning...
woo *urg* hoo. go to the bank and check our balance.
huzzah! i have returned, with a wise investment. behold!
sweet jesus no! tell me you didn’t spend all our money on beans.
what price can you put on magic beans, monique? they got the house as well.
the birds are singing, the sun is shining, it’s another wonderful day.
are we on the ’happy’ suppositories today?
getting there is half the fun.
you don’t look too good. would you like me to drive you to work?
actually yes, that would be nice, thanks. i haven’t been feeling too good since some ’actress’ bit me yesterday after i told her she was a "no-talent slut." i’ll just get my things.
you get the fuck away from me!
when we are old and grey, how would you like to remember our marriage?
i would like to be able to remember all the good times, reflect upon how we loved and cherished one another.
hoping the nursing home will pump you full of hallucinogens, eh?
if they want to get paid they will.
goddamnit! you out?
well, we tried, i guess we’re stuck with each other. you’d think one of us would have gotten in a lucky shot though.
did you hear the story about the woman who was so fat and heavy that she set off a spring loaded trap and it failed completely?
i’ve never heard that urban myth
you’ve heard that story about the guy who’s drugged and wakes up in a bath full of ice and his kidneys are missing?
oh, that story gave me nightmares.
a very similar thing happened to me when i was working at the donor organ clinic.
only, i was drinking my 18th scotch on the rocks when i passed out. when i woke up, i was in a bathtub full of kidneys,..
and all my ice had gone.
have you ever tried drinking warm scotch? it was horrifying.
hey monique! you know voodoo dolls? well i just managed to cast a voodoo spell on a scale replica of the city of new orleans.
and the best bit is, that it’s entirely covered in teflon. i just need to hose it off and it’s as good as new.
voodoo, yeesh! like that would ever work.
i eat the flesh of babies, i store their souls in bottles...
usually, i’ll wash it down with the blood of kittens...
i love you.
i don’t get it.
and you never will.
remember you promised to give the stars to me, hajiki
oh lord, not more anime!!
it’s pronounced ah-nih-meh
i can’t believe you enjoy that girlish nonsense.
yeah! my god! if ’neighbours’ had killer robots you’d probably watch that too.
in my opinion, the only things that would improve that show are killer robots.
well, strange old scientist, my friends and our dog ’scooby’ are planning on spending the night in the old abandoned hologram factory.
the hologram factory? why, you don’t want to go there. that place is haunted.
these new episodes of ’scooby doo’ are very, very predictable
don’t tell me!!
do you think i could be a successful pole dancer?
what? that’s ridiculous,.. you’re not polish
i meant a table top dancer.
people have to eat off there. don’t even joke about a thing like that.
it’s going to be hard to dance around a pole that’s wrapped around your pointy little head.
i recognise this song.
somebody quayed my car.
what’s the problem? that sort of stuff will just buff right out. you’ve got the stuff in your garage.
they didn’t ’key’ my car, they dropped it in the bay.
did you hear that jamie wrote his wife’s name in the sky for their anniversary?
big deal! i’ve done that for you before.
i said ’sky’,.. not ’snow’.
same thing. they’re both very elemental.
i still get dirty looks when i go to that indoor ski slope.
,..well, you’re a festering boil on the arse of humanity,..
database addressing error,..
okay jon, i won’t eat the lasanga
that’s a good cat
munch munch munch
oh, i hate mondays
arrr, me land lubbin’ wench. though a fine one it be, what be you doin’ buyin’ fer ye’self a new car?
my boss thought it would be a good idea to park his disgustingly large humvee on top of my astra. after i returned his testicles, he hired a new mercedes r-class for me to drive whilst he has my car repaired.
oh, i see, very clever dear.
r341i53 /\/\y 1337 c0mic 5ki11z!
my boss said he wanted to lick my anus.
he’d better have been joking!
he said it was all tongue in cheek.
woah, must be my nuts coming up.
cashews, i had some cashews earlier. filthy girl.
there’s a joke somewhere in there about your balls having never dropped but to be quite honest, i couldn’t be stuffed.
hello, is this the tyler-monique residence?
we need you to come collect your intoxicated husband from the local police station.
he was found asking a tree for sex, and claiming to be "the lizard queen".
*sigh* again? i’ll bring the cage...
hello? am i comin’ to practice? fo’ shizzle s-bear. ’cow man 7’ will ride again!
yeah, i’m walking. we just got these new cordless phones. they can be used anywhere in the house, they’re great.
tyler don’t take it in there ... tyler!
ahhh. where am i now? let’s just say it’s a relief to have access to such a technological convenience. s-bear?
monique, i just lost my call. i don’t think the phones work in here.
oh, i’m sure they do ... grot.
i think our house is haunted.
too much tv for you, young man.
no, seriously. something keeps turning things off.
well, first it turned off my sex life, then my love for you, then my will to live.
now it just has to turn off your mouth.
we should go on holidays...to somewhere maybe in europe.
now why should we do that?? sounds like a waste of money to me!
it says here that paris has the best nude beaches in the world.
i’ll get the keys!
i knew you would see it my way.
"fur is murder," right?
what if i was to remove and wear the skins of people who buy fur? is that murder?
generally speaking, yes.
oh, that’s no fun.
diiiiid,... yoouuuuu,... earth,.... miiiiiy,... hair-dryeeeerrr,.. afteeeeeer,.. yoooooou,.... rewirreed,... it,...?
yes, of course.
shuuut,... iiit,... ooooff,.. yoooou,.. priiiiick !!
serenity comes out tomorrow. glee!
didn’t you mention your boss wanted you to stay back late tomorrow to finish off those tps reports?
why are you so excited about,...
*cough* *gag* *cough!*
i crave the flesh of humans!
wha... cravings?! oh no! monique, you’re not pregnant are you?!
i am not monique. i am unicron, devourer of worlds. i crave the flesh of humans!
aaaaaaaaaahhhh .... hey, wait a minute...
what’s with you?
i just travelled back from the past where i killed your grandfather before he could conceive you.
by the way, it turns out, your grandma’s a slut.
wow! it says here on e! news live that george w. bush is going to marry paris hilton.
everything on that show is made up and only stupid people believe them.
lies! you speak lies!
did you know the network is changing the show’s name to gullible! news live.
what?! but the name makes up 50% of the show!
i rest my case.