 i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.  | ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak. b. i don’t want them back and c. why? it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash. | i only saw one pair in the hamper.yes you did. |
 enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?  | the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks. | except for the fuglies of course.of course, neo greaseboy. |
| you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.borrowed?stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality. | ba-zit! oops.  | meanwhile, 0.328 universes away qua-pop! where the fuck am i?  |
monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented. | i think i’m in the wrong place.here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up. i,... wrong,... place,.. i,.. | do you want to take the corvette or the rx7? snatch i love you honey! |
universe 0.328 are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler. | and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.we’re both so lucky. | meanwhile in our universe,.. (sans pants) *sob*so,.. very,.. happy!!  |
our universe okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.bash! | qua-pop! eep!who said that? | no! no! noooooooooo!!!oh no!send me back, send me back!! |
| how long has it been since you washed your hair?a couple of months i guess.yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is. | unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.dead?hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp. | honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.which brings me to my next point. |