they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
$350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
ok, your turn.
i don’t think so.
while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
fine, i was only kidding.
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
oh yeah, that’s it baby.
i just slammed my pinky in the door.
what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
finger,. my pinky finger.
oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
you’re such a fucking retard.
ha! makes sense i guess.
when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
i only saw one pair in the hamper.
yes you did.
enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
except for the fuglies of course.
of course, neo greaseboy.
you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
where the fuck am i?
monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
i think i’m in the wrong place.
here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
i love you honey!
are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
we’re both so lucky.
meanwhile in our universe,..
so,.. very,.. happy!!
okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
who said that?
no! no! noooooooooo!!!
send me back, send me back!!
how long has it been since you washed your hair?
a couple of months i guess.
yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
which brings me to my next point.
you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
nah, she blew me off.
the saucy minx.
in your dreams, monkey boy.
waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
it’s coffee, cow face.
there’s coffee in my fly?
no, a fly in your coffee.
oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
you know...this coffee tastes weird.
actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
weh ith de mouthwath?!
you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
i wish you were a breatharian.
hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
but i don’t have any porn...in there.
that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
in a dictionary?
no, that’s where i keep the porn.
is she still out there?
yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
you could always talk to her yourself.
are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.
you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.
i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.
i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?
well, it may be because i soaked your pants in beef last night... or perhaps the dogs just preferred something hairy, smelly and infested with fleas.
it has to stop, and it has to stop now.
i don’t know what you’re talking about.
that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.
there’s nothing scary about clown music.
i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.
clown’s are funny!
huff. huff. huff. huff-a huff-a huff-a huff-a, woooooooo!
what are you watching in there?
ok, everybody out!
some old gang bang movie i’d forgotten i’d had. wow, they don’t make porn stars like they used to. i didn’t think she’d be able to walk away from that train crash.
i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.
yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland.
if you thought mars was the god of war,....
i’m already running!
i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.
wasting your money on stupid gimmicks just to listen to music. that’s so lame.
oh, very funny! you know,.. you can be a complete ba,....
have you been sending me blackmail again?
what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?
i received some extremely bizarre pictures of black men having sex...again.
oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present.
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
tyler...are you praying?? you do know that god doesn’t exist, right?
you know, this is all your fault monique.
yowser to the red monkey paste!
do i want to know?
chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time.
at least until next wednesday.
and now a cartoon involving a polar bear in a snow storm.
what the fuck was that?