Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tyler, The Half Cut Prince. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
:Tyler says: i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
:Monigue says: ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
:Tyler says: do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Furries '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
:Monigue says: that’s,.. umm,.. research.
:Tyler says: huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
:Tyler says: fair enough,..
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
:Monigue says: ick!
:Tyler says: ,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pelé Would '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
:Monigue says: really? please excuse me.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says from offstage: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: finished?
:Monigue says: for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' New Jeans '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
:Tyler says: $350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
:Tyler says: a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Nodding Budgie '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.,Tyler news.,Monique none.,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Beware the Gaz '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ok, your turn.
:Tyler says: i don’t think so.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mother was right?! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: fine, i was only kidding.
:Monigue says: damn straight.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: ahhhhh!
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
:Monigue says: oh yeah, that’s it baby.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pinky '
written by
Dan
bang!
:Monigue says from offstage: ow! fuck!!
:Tyler says: problem?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: i just slammed my pinky in the door.
:Tyler says: what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
:Tyler says: oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: finger,. my pinky finger.
:Tyler says: oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
:Monigue says: you’re such a fucking retard.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yesterday however... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ha! makes sense i guess.
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
:Monigue says: this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
:Monigue says: i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pretty Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
:Tyler says: they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
c. why?
:Tyler says: it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i only saw one pair in the hamper.
:Tyler says: yes you did.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Neo Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: except for the fuglies of course.
:Monigue says: of course, neo greaseboy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wormhole '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
:Monigue says: borrowed?
:Tyler says: stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
ba-zit!
:Tyler says: oops.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: where the fuck am i?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
:Monigue says: wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
:Tyler says: what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i think i’m in the wrong place.
:Tyler says: here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
:Monigue says: i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
snatch
:Monigue says from offstage: i love you honey!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 2 '
written by
Dan
universe 0.328
:Tyler says: are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
:Monigue says: very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
:Monigue says: like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
:Tyler says: we’re both so lucky.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
meanwhile in our universe,..

(sans pants)
:Tyler says: *sob*
so,.. very,.. happy!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 3 '
written by
Dan
our universe
:Tyler says from offstage: okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
bash!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: eep!
:Tyler says from offstage: who said that?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no! no! noooooooooo!!!
:Tyler says from offstage: oh no!
:Monigue says: send me back, send me back!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Healthy Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: how long has it been since you washed your hair?
:Tyler says: a couple of months i guess.
:Monigue says: yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
:Monigue says: dead?
:Tyler says: hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
:Tyler says: in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
:Monigue says: which brings me to my next point.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saucy! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
:Tyler says: nah, she blew me off.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: the saucy minx.
:Monigue says: in your dreams, monkey boy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Special Java '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
:Monigue says: it’s coffee, cow face.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: there’s coffee in my fly?
:Monigue says: no, a fly in your coffee.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
:Monigue says: nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' What’s up, pussy cat? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know...this coffee tastes weird.
:Tyler says: actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
meeeow!!
:Tyler says from offstage: aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wriggly Wormses '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: weh ith de mouthwath?!
:Monigue says: you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Breathe '
written by
Goatlord
grind
crunch
bang
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
:Tyler says: it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
:Tyler says: service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
:Monigue says: i wish you were a breatharian.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dicktionary? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
:Monigue says: yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
:Monigue says: but i don’t have any porn...in there.
:Tyler says: that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
:Tyler says: in a dictionary?
:Monigue says: no, that’s where i keep the porn.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' She knows where you live! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: is she still out there?
:Monigue says from offstage: yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
:Tyler says: clever.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
:Tyler says: seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: you could always talk to her yourself.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
:Monigue says from offstage: please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Dream of Weasleys '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
:Monigue says: hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: mmmm...harry potter.
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nothing but a hound dog '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.
:Monigue says: uh huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.
:Tyler says: i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: well, it may be because i soaked your pants in beef last night... or perhaps the dogs just preferred something hairy, smelly and infested with fleas.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Toilet Music '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: it has to stop, and it has to stop now.
:Monigue says: i don’t know what you’re talking about.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.
:Monigue says: there’s nothing scary about clown music.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.
:Monigue says: clown’s are funny!
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Boxcar Sally Gets Ridden Again '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! all aboard!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
television blares! huff. huff. huff. huff-a huff-a huff-a huff-a, woooooooo!
:Monigue says: what are you watching in there?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
television blares! ok, everybody out!
:Tyler says from offstage: some old gang bang movie i’d forgotten i’d had. wow, they don’t make porn stars like they used to. i didn’t think she’d be able to walk away from that train crash.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Face on Mars '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.
:Monigue says: no kidding.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: if you thought mars was the god of war,....
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m already running!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Headphones '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.
:Monigue says: wasting your money on stupid gimmicks just to listen to music. that’s so lame.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: music?
:Monigue says: oh, very funny! you know,.. you can be a complete ba,....
click
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says:
:Monigue says:
:Monigue says:
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Blackmail '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: have you been sending me blackmail again?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i received some extremely bizarre pictures of black men having sex...again.
:Tyler says: oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thou shalt kneel before me '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler...are you praying?? you do know that god doesn’t exist, right?
:Tyler says: monique, noooo!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
pop!
:Tyler says: you know, this is all your fault monique.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Know You Know '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: yowser to the red monkey paste!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: do i want to know?
:Tyler says: chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: at least until next wednesday.
:Monigue says: tard.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Polar Bear '
written by
Dan
and now a cartoon involving a polar bear in a snow storm.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: grrr
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: what the fuck was that?
:Monigue says: grrrrrrrrrrr
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Immelmann Turn '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: *sniff**sniff* that air freshener must finally be working. i can barely smell you.
:Tyler says: nah, i just found a cork with a good enough seal.
:Monigue says: you put a cork...? oh tyler, that’s just... why?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, you know that joke rodney rude does? "jeeze mate, that would have lifted a lighter man clear off his seat!"
:Monigue says: yes, unfortunately.
:Tyler says: i thought i’d test the theory out, mythbusters style. oh-oh...here we go.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
lift-off
:Monigue says: impressively aerobatic, if a little wiffy.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' 1984 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’ve been reading the novel ’1984’. it’s so cool. a dangerously beaurocratic future.
:Tyler says: war is peace.
:Tyler says: ignorance is strength.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: a sick and tired marriage is romance?
:Tyler says: i think that the tv show ’big brother’ could gain some inspiration from that book.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: how so?
:Tyler says: imagine that there was no eviction. just one day your roommate was ’vanished’, and never refered to again.
:Tyler says: ’this is big brother. there never was a sixth roommate. any memory you have of one must be false’
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Shocking '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: mmm..this licorice is really chewy.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: but hard and crunchy on the inside.
:Monigue says from offstage: why isn’t my computer working? hey! who took my extension cord?!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: oh god. at least this time it wasn’t plugged in.
:Tyler says: aah, refreshing.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Alchemize This '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: cowman 7!
the most rockenest, hippest and coolest band the world is ever likely to see! plus we have the highest content of donkey sauce ever to come out of brisvegas! wanna be my groupie?
:Monigue says: as tempting as that offer is, i do have a prior commitment to chew out my own eyeballs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: tyler, you don’t have to actually be a rockstar in order to feel like one.
:Monigue says: you just have to be putting it away with an underage model and snort an obscene amout of cocaine.
:Tyler says: really? excellent!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: although, that’s just for you’re average joe. you however, are going to have to be able to eat lead and shit gold.
:Tyler says: goddamnit!
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tyler and the Coxswain '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: your friend you got my new hard drive from, he’s a bit of a comedian is he?
:Tyler says: wes? he has his moments i suppose. why do you ask?
:Monigue says: oh, i don’t know, perhaps it’s got something to do with the 40gb of hard core bestiality he pre-loaded onto the hard drive?!
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: girl on horse, girl on dog, dog on horse, ferrets in cows, man on postbox... it is all disgusting and i am not amused!
:Tyler says: technically, i don’t think that last one counts. if you’d like, i could take it back and get you another, stain free, hard drive.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: sicko. you’d sprain both your wrists before you got through that lot.
:Tyler says: it’s an art form my dear. you just have to pace yourself.
:Monigue says: screw you very much for that mental image. i’m off to snort some napisan.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I’ve got to get some new material. '
written by
Goatlord
frighteningly loud farty sound!
:Monigue says: ahhh, better out than in.
:Tyler says: for you maybe. damn woman!
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: sweet, sweet relief.
:Tyler says from offstage: i think you killed the neighbour’s kid.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: serves him right for being locked in our basement.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Van Gogh '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know, everyone remembers that van gogh cut off his own ear, but it’s not like that was a big thing?
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: well, he was a painter. if he wanted to make a big impact he could have gouged out one of his eyes. wouldn’t that have been a romantic gesture?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i always thought that it was romantic when you sent me an ear in the post.
,Tyler silent.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: that is, until i realised it wasn’t yours.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' How to make a grown man cry. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! ...yeah, good one mate. listen, i’ve got to go. there’s a shapely young thing waiting for me in the sack, if you know what i mean, heh heh.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! that’s right! she’s even got her name tattooed on her side, totally wild man. monique? nah, absolutely clueless. i’ll talk to you later, i’ve got to relieve someone of their ability to walk. oh, yeah!
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, hey monique. no, you’ve got it all wrong. c’mon, put the bat down. look, it’s just...
smash
:Tyler says from offstage: dear lord noooo!
my beer!
you killed my beer!
why?!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I know you are... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: deftly, he sidesteps the poorly worded and yea, mispelt slur against his prowess in the boudoir.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: zing! tyler masterfully ripostes with his rapier like wit. the ice maiden grovels before him in obeisance.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: did you say something dear?
:Tyler says: um, moo?
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bats '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: phew! i’ve finally managed to net off the paw-paw trees in the back yard. no more bat problems.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler? have you seen my fish-nets?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: whoa! that was quick.
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Satchmo Know '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ok, we’ll try it again. what do you get if you multiply six by nine?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: forty-two.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: that’s just dumb.
:Tyler says: heathen.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Neither rain,... '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: it’s my cousin’s birthday next week but she’s got the "travel bug" and i don’t know where she’ll be to send her a present.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: send it by owl.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' There ain’t mushroom in here. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i noticed you didn’t eat the lovely mushrooms i cooked into the dinner last night.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: you know i don’t like them. eating mushrooms is like eating something that’s dead.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mmm...Pottery '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says from offstage: ah hermione, you sexy little know-it-all. if only you were real...
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: hey tyler, are you up to the bit where hermione dies yet?
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says from offstage: nooo!! my life, it flashes before my eyes!
:Monigue says: heh-heh...geek.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Something Flowery '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: mmmm, reading each new ’harry potter’ book is like putting on a favoured old coat or perhaps a brand new pair of woollen socks. they feel so warm and snuggly, very easy to slip into.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: although, the same could be said of a two dollar whore.
:Tyler says: but we won’t.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Foolishness '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: what are you watching?
:Monigue says from offstage: ’monk,’ yet another dopey american detective show.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: does he spell his name with a silent ’e’ and ’y’?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: begone git!
:Tyler says from offstage: ooo, ooo, ooo!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Lie to me baby! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ok, i’ll bite. what’s got you so steamed?
:Tyler says: the patent office rejected another of my applications! it was the best one yet!
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: how could they reject a "vaginal sneakoscope"?!
,Tyler angry.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: oh, c’mon!
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Politeness '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i want you to be on your best behaviour at this dinner party tonight.
:Tyler says: of course. you can trust me.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
later that night.
:Monigue says from offstage: i can’t believe you!! i can’t take you anywhere!!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: what the hell is your problem? all i did was say that i liked her hat.
:Monigue says from offstage: she is a siamese twin.
:Tyler says: oh,.. that would explain why it was so life like,...

,..and foul mouthed.
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Horsy Jerky '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: "nose biting is said still to be practised in micronesia. while nose biting is a well described phenomenon, this is not the case with bites to the penis,..."
:Monigue says: pity.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: chew my domesticated beast of burden.
:Monigue says: i am not eating your vomit tyler.
:Tyler says: vomit?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: yes you’re very clever but i refuse to "chew your yak."
:Tyler says: oh, no, what i meant was, bite my ass, y’know donkey, ha ha. fine, just forget it.
:Monigue says: perhaps i can get the yak to take lessons from the micronesians.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' BEADS! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: dear? why did the bank send us a ’thank-you’ letter for taking out a second mortgage on the house when we haven’t taken out a second mortgage?
:Monigue says: i needed some money to finance a new project i’m working on.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: your going to finance your own movie by remor... you did it to buy more beads didn’t you?
:Monigue says: beads.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s a very unhealthy obsesion monique. whilst i admit the bead underpants are extremely stimulating, i think you should sto..
:Monigue says: beads!
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Bare Facts '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: did you get that game from your friend for the dinner party on friday?
:Monigue says: no.
:Tyler says: what? he said we could borrow it. we even invited the little prick to the dinner.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: he changed his mind. he said it was in his car and that he was kind of using it.
:Tyler says: he’s using a board game in his car? can’t he see over the steering wheel?
:Monigue says: who knows? look, he’s just a little prick.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: oh for chet’s sake! this always happens. i guess we’ll just have to play cards, again! i’m really getting sick of playing strip poker with your parents monique.
:Monigue says: you and me both. *shudder*
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Michael Bay '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: from the creator of ’pearl harbor’ and ’armageddon’,...
:Monigue says: transformers, the live action film.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: next he’s going to travel back in time and steal all your toys.
:Tyler says: *sob*
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fourth Wall '
written by
Dan
beginning of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: i am in a comic strip.
:Monigue says: hey! so am i.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
end of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Blake’s One '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler, do you remember what we did with the futon?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: futon? isn’t that what you measure the atomic mass of tofu in?
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: i had no idea tofu was on the periodic table.
:Tyler says: oh yeah, it’s like number thirty-three or something.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The day of the NOSE! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: do you know what today is tyler?
:Tyler says: oh wow, thanks, i’d almost forgotten. today is
the day of the nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: it’s the day the whole world celebrates your filthy, enormous, wart ridden, nose!
:Monigue says: excuse me but my nose is dainty and precious.
:Tyler says: well... it is now.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: it’s the day of the nose, the day of the nose, hooray for today as it’s the day of the nose!
:Monigue says: no dancing on the coffee table, bacon boy.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Picks '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i’m doing a tafe course to learn how to pick locks.
:Tyler says: what?
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: yeah! it’s kind of fun learning a new skill.
:Tyler says: well, there goes that plan.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: what was that?
:Tyler says: nothing.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Large’s Ark '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: hey there lebanese blonde.
:Monigue says: let go blue eyes.
:Tyler says: you can call me orange sky. would you like to go to the fair? we could see such great heights.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: don’t panic but one of these things first, i’m in the waiting line on this winding road to see movie beat.
:Tyler says: man, is this some new slang you’re speaking? caring is creepy.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
:Monigue says: you are the only living boy in new york.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Gaz’s Arc '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: would you like to give me an australian kiss?
:Tyler says: am i likely to wear the dolmio grin?
:Monigue says: no.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: get a lump in my throat?
:Monigue says: nope, not even taste a trap for mieces.
:Tyler says: ok then.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ooo! a azor bade, at’s new.
:Monigue says: nifty.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Memories '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you remember when there was love and romance in our lives?
:Tyler says: ah, halcyon days.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: whatever happened?
:Tyler says: she left me.
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: what the,.
you fucker?
:Tyler says from offstage: escape!!
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Plumber’s Rapture '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: do anything interesting today?
:Tyler says: no, my sweet.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: nothing all day?
:Tyler says: no, my mills and boonian vision of all that is love, nothing.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: you’ve been drinking again haven’t you?
:Tyler says: nothing but drinking, my sweet apple blossom. draino now comes in six packs, bless them.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Love heart '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: have you ever noticed that a traditional love heart, when turned upside down, looks like a bum?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: every day, tyler.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: really? cause i only just noti,...
:Tyler says: oh, very trite. well done.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wet Your Wick '
written by
Goatlord
crash
:Tyler says from offstage: goddamnit! where is it?!
:Tyler says from offstage: monique? have you seen my...ah...y’know that, thingo that i can’t find?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: your thingo hey? what does it look like?
:Tyler says from offstage: it’s green and i need it to do that thing i need to do.
:Monigue says: well if my thingo was green i’d want to see a doctor about it.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: funny. if ’it’ was green, there’s only one pot i’ve been dipping it in that would make it so....number one.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Margarine '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you know, you shouldn’t eat margarine. it’s ninety percent plastic.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i think what you mean to say is that it’s one molecule from being plastic.
:Monigue says: well, that’s still bad.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: that’s like saying that i should give up drinking water because it’s only one molecule from being hydrogen-peroxide.
:Monigue says: erm,..
:Tyler says: i know, i’ll stop breathing, because oxygen is only one molecule from being ozone.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique guilty.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Alternative Therapy '
written by
Goatlord
fizzle
pop
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler!
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: tyler, my love, when i asked you to pick up a replacement lithium-ion battery for my laptop, what type did you really purchase?
:Tyler says: ah,... seawater and earwax.
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: owie! they told me it was a new universal type of battery that could power anything.
:Monigue says from offstage: hold that thought. let’s just see if it can universally power your caboose!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Any Other Day... '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! what can you say about the kangaroos that hasn’t been said before?!
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: they routinely fellate diseased warthogs in the vain attempt to summon their one true lord and master satan, lord of the flies, devourer of souls and producer of those boils you get around the rim of your sphincter that really hurt when you try to open the freezer door just after someone’s shut it so fast that all the air has escaped making it nigh on impossible to re-open...
:Tyler says: what?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: i’m pretty sure that’s never been said about the kangaroos before.
:Monigue says: any other day i would have to agree but according to this article in the quibbler...
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Be My Victim '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
helen?
:Tyler says from offstage: she’s downstairs big guy.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
it’s always been you helen.
:Monigue says from offstage: bastard!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ringu '
written by
Goatlord
phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says!
:Tyler says from offstage: monique! what’s the big idea swapping some arty farty video with my favourite cheerleader movie?!
:Monigue says: moi?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says!
:Tyler says from offstage: yes you! why don’t you do something useful and answer the phone!
:Monigue says: i think you’ll find it’s for you dear.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: fine! whatever!
:Tyler says from offstage: hello? yes. what?!
oh, you muthafu...
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ancient ramblings of a disenchanted youth. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: donkeys are by far the best source of vitamin q the world has ever seen. i know this because my family has been breeding donkeys for the past 17 generations.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: phantasms eat regularly to help keep those annoying monkey burgers at bay. remember what they say, "a monkey burger a day, helps keep the giraffes from eating your small intestines while you sleep."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: lazy!
,Tyler silent.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A handy self affirmation. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: when i lick the noodles of my mind, i immediately understand life. i become life. to lick the noodles of my mind is to understand perfection as seen from the lickable noodles of my mind. i lick therefore i am.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: reform no other before me, i am as the wind through the undergarments of life. i am the undergarments of life. i blow therefore i lick therefore i am. so it is written, so shall it be, forever more.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: ah-monkey.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Now, you are Mine! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i want your soul.
:Tyler says: my soul? i don’t think so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you wanted to marry me, you wanted my love. i gave you my love as you gave me yours. your love is mine, and no others. i want your soul!
:Tyler says: my soul is my own. without it, i am not me. how may i freely give my love to you if i am... not?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i want your soul!
:Tyler says: i...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Handling '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.
:Tyler says: i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: supermarket trolley wheels!
:Tyler says: supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.
:Monigue says: that was me.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: no shit!
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Competition '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! hi there, is this tyler?
:Tyler says from offstage: yes? who’s this?
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! erm,..
:Tyler says from offstage: don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! *click*
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m going out sweetie.
:Monigue says: aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Werewolf '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.
:Tyler says: it’d be the perfect scam.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: fucking hairdressers
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Puck-er up '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i wonder if the olympics will make "tonsil hockey" a national sport...
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: at least you already know you suck.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
goal!
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tackle Happy '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says from offstage: teehee! when monique is away, tyler will play...or in this case, download some porn!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says from offstage: 2%...2%...2%...
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler! i’m home; to wreck your fun!
:Tyler says from offstage: *sigh* this is going to be a long night.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' nkMyeo aigtnE. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i ofudn a edr nep no het lofor. si it uyors?
:Monigue says: no.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: ho, ko hetn.
:Monigue says: are you feeling ok? you sound a little off.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i elfe nfie. hwy do uyo ska?
:Monigue says: no reason.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Crouching Woman, Burning Sensation '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i hate you...
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: murmuring to yourself again? you know, a few broken ribs could change your feelings for me.
:Tyler says: yes, but a few less ribs would rid my need of you anyway.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: when your neck breaks, can i pawn your kidneys?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pipe '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: imagine if i got a piece of pvc piping and i got it to follow me around constantly.
:Monigue says: and?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well, then i’d have a led pipe.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: doyagetit?
doyagetit?
:Monigue says: you’re going to get it.
:Monigue says: man, i wish i had a lead pipe
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' TICK! '
written by
Dan
tick!
:Monigue says: what the hell is that noise?
tick!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
tick!
:Tyler says: i was just doing what you asked for!
tick!
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
tick!
:Monigue says: you misheard me! i said "i wish you had a bigger,..."
tick!
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cows With Guns '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: it’s during times like these, i wish i had a tactical nuclear device.
:Monigue says: uh-huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: oh, absolutely. i could achieve so much--
:Monigue says: --for yourself.
:Tyler says: of course.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: it’s a pity i’m the one with the tactical nuclear device then, isn’t it?
:Tyler says: bah!
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A murder of Crowe '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: apple i-store has a function where you can find celebrities and their favorite playlists. it gives you a bit of an insight into their personalities.
:Monigue says: sounds interesting.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i had a look at russell crowe’s. do you know what’s number one in russell crowe’s playlist? his own crap song that he’s trying to promote.
:Monigue says: what a wanker!
:Tyler says: what,... a,... wanker!
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
no punchline. just wanted to point out that russell crowe is a wanker.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Funk Yeah! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
:Monigue says: what on earth are you doing?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: is it wrong to enjoy your own funk? i am enjoying my own funk.
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
:Monigue says from offstage: *hurk*
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fly my Pretties! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: have you ever wondered how many donkeys it would take to raise the titanic?
:Monigue says: i can’t say that i have, no. am i right to assume these donkeys would be "pining for the fjords"?
:Tyler says: unless you know of a special breed of underwater donkey?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it turns out that when the body of a donkey decays, it produces and retains far more gas than any other creature.
:Tyler says: this is why donkey farmers have to puncture and bury any dead ones they find because they become hazards to low flying aircraft.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: do you ever get bored of speaking shit 24/7?
:Tyler says: what? no, it’s all true. we’ll be rich! maybe we could get some from your uncle. he’s into donkeys isn’t he?
:Monigue says: in a manner of speaking.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' You can’t pick your family’s nose. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
:Tyler says: my brother-in-law?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: yeah, you know who.
:Tyler says: voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
:Tyler says from offstage: no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hotdogs '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: hotdogs for dinner!!
:Monigue says: chicken hotdogs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hot chicken?
:Monigue says: chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hot pigs?
:Monigue says: you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
:Tyler says: *gaspie*
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Lick Me! All of You! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *cough* *cough* *hurk*
:Monigue says: tyler, are you ok?
:Tyler says from offstage: just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
:Tyler says from offstage: *hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
:Monigue says: ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cats '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
:Tyler says: but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: we should start a business that sells cat furs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: that is,.. a horrible idea.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To have and to hold. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
:Monigue says: oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
:Tyler says: ... especially your neck.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: my neck?
:Tyler says: shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
:Tyler says: i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' For better or for worse. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
:Monigue says: yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
:Tyler says: what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
snap
:Monigue says: they just don’t make toys like they used to.
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' For richer, for poorer. '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! 4. 8. 15. 16. 23 and 42 make up tonight’s lotto numbers.
:Tyler says: holy snapping duck shit! we’re rich!
:Monigue says: we have to get drunk ... immediately.
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
the next morning...
:Monigue says: woo *urg* hoo. go to the bank and check our balance.
:Tyler says from offstage: away!
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: huzzah! i have returned, with a wise investment. behold!
magic beans!
:Monigue says: sweet jesus no! tell me you didn’t spend all our money on beans.
:Tyler says: what price can you put on magic beans, monique? they got the house as well.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' In sickness and in health. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: the birds are singing, the sun is shining, it’s another wonderful day.
:Monigue says: are we on the ’happy’ suppositories today?
:Tyler says: getting there is half the fun.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: you don’t look too good. would you like me to drive you to work?
:Monigue says: actually yes, that would be nice, thanks. i haven’t been feeling too good since some ’actress’ bit me yesterday after i told her she was a "no-talent slut." i’ll just get my things.
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
:Monigue says from offstage: braiiiiiiiiiinssss!
:Tyler says from offstage: you get the fuck away from me!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To love and to cherish. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: when we are old and grey, how would you like to remember our marriage?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: i would like to be able to remember all the good times, reflect upon how we loved and cherished one another.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hoping the nursing home will pump you full of hallucinogens, eh?
:Monigue says: if they want to get paid they will.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Until death do us part. '
written by
Goatlord
bang
bang
bang
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
bang
click
click
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: goddamnit! you out?
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah.
:Monigue says from offstage: well, we tried, i guess we’re stuck with each other. you’d think one of us would have gotten in a lucky shot though.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Urban Legends '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: did you hear the story about the woman who was so fat and heavy that she set off a spring loaded trap and it failed completely?
:Monigue says: i’ve never heard that urban myth
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
sproing!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
aaaaaagh!!
:Tyler says: myth,..
busted!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Urban Legend 2 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you’ve heard that story about the guy who’s drugged and wakes up in a bath full of ice and his kidneys are missing?
:Monigue says: oh, that story gave me nightmares.
,Tyler query.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: a very similar thing happened to me when i was working at the donor organ clinic.
:Monigue says: mmm?
:Tyler says: only, i was drinking my 18th scotch on the rocks when i passed out. when i woke up, i was in a bathtub full of kidneys,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: *sigh*
:Tyler says: and all my ice had gone.
:Tyler says: have you ever tried drinking warm scotch? it was horrifying.
,Tyler shock.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Voodoo '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: hey monique! you know voodoo dolls? well i just managed to cast a voodoo spell on a scale replica of the city of new orleans.
:Monigue says: fascinating
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: and the best bit is, that it’s entirely covered in teflon. i just need to hose it off and it’s as good as new.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: voodoo, yeesh! like that would ever work.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To bleed, or not to bleed. '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i eat the flesh of babies, i store their souls in bottles...
:Monigue says: yeha.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: usually, i’ll wash it down with the blood of kittens...
:Monigue says: that’s nice.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i love you.
:Monigue says: what!?!?!
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
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