yep, definately no rats on her side of the bed.

ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.

my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.

ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?

i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.

all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*

the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!

i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.

this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.

there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.

i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.

it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."

do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"

i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.

huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.

fair enough,..

it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.

,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.

i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.

finished?

$350 for a pair of women’s jeans?

if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.

a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea

i don’t think so.

well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.

fine, i was only kidding.

ahhhhh!
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!

problem?

what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!

oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!

oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.

ha! makes sense i guess.

when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."

i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.

they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.

it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.

yes you did.

the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.

except for the fuglies of course.

you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.

stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.

oops.

monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.

what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.

here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.

do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?

are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?

and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.

we’re both so lucky.

*sob*
so,.. very,.. happy!!

a couple of months i guess.

unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.

hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.

honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.

in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.

nah, she blew me off.

the saucy minx.

waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.

there’s coffee in my fly?

oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.

you know...this coffee tastes weird.

actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.

that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?

it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.

service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.

hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?

i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.

that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.

in a dictionary?

is she still out there?

clever.

seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.

are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*

only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!

you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.

mmmm...harry potter.

you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.

i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.

i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?

it has to stop, and it has to stop now.

that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.

i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.