Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hobbies '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?
:Tyler says: much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
a week later
:Monigue says from offstage: it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: wait a second,...
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Kylie '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: oh my god! kylie minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: well, she should have kept them out of the sun.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s not the first time her breasts have created a blood-fed growth.
:Monigue says: ew!
:Tyler says: mmm, cancery!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mightier than the Sword '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ...she said what?
:Tyler says: "my pet monkey has better handwriting skills than you and he uses his own fecal matter as a medium."
:Monigue says: that’s what i thought you said. wow, that’s a little disturbing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: thanks monique, talking to you has really helped.
:Monigue says: your handwriting is atrocious, get over it. the bigger picture is eluding you at present, isn’t it?
:Tyler says: you want to have a go at my artwork now?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: tyler, an old friend of yours has a pet monkey, that she communicates with, using alphabet poo.
:Tyler says: yes but...oh, right. well, that’s one less card to send out at christmas i guess.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It never gets old. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.
:Monigue says: they say that?
:Tyler says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.
:Tyler says: they say that?
:Monigue says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.
:Monigue says: you never know.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' O’BRIEN! '
written by
Goatlord
thud
thud
thud
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
thud
smash
squeal
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?
:Monigue says: i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Safety '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.
:Tyler says: well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.
:Tyler says: although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
the next day, a security solution is in place.
:Tyler says from offstage: hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.
:Monigue says: have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, lord, no
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bad Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: has your friend dylan changed to primary school teaching now?
:Monigue says: i don’t speak to dylan anymore. just for conversation’s sake, why do you ask?
:Tyler says: i saw him at the pub the other night. he wanted to tell me another of his outrageously funny jokes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: am i going to want to hear it? she asks with rolled newspaper poised.
:Tyler says: probably not but here goes, what’s so good about 88 year olds?
:Tyler says: there’s 80 of them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! hi, therese?
:Tyler says: strangely enough, that really wasn’t worth it. ow.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
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