i ran into justin and louise today. they asked how you were and wanted to know if we would be interested in going to a bbq some time. i told them it was a good idea and suggested that they should invite andrew and cheryl, zoe and ash and john and leeanne. zoe’s little girl just had her first birthday.
hmmm...bbq, sounds good. it makes you wonder though.
bbq’s make you wonder?
no, bbq’s make me hungry. i was speaking of our individuality, no, that’s not quite right. it’s just, our friends know us as tylerandmonique, as we know them as justinandlouise or zoeandashley. i was curious as to when we stopped being just tyler and just monique.
i’m pretty sure i remember the day, i believe an impressive clergyman was involved. did you believe you were ever just tyler?
i guess so.
i must say, i feel a little better about myself.
it’s been so hard, living day in and day out surrounded by complete and utter morons. to know that every person i would meet was simply just not as good as i, was really quite upsetting.
then i locked my keys in the car.
are you going to see the doctor about your back today?
no, i’ll be fine. i can sort of walk now. i was talking to my sister earlier and she suggested i take some nurofen... before i go to the doctor.
fine, it’s your back. if you don’t want to listen to either of us, that’s your lookout. just be careful with the nurofen, it’s strong stuff.
i can read monique. the label suggests to take no less than 4 tablets, 6 times a day.
you’re using a definition of "read" that i have been previously unaware of aren’t you?
idiot. "1 every 4 hours. no more than 6 per day." how many did you take?
i took floaty many. why does the newspaper taste like snozberry?
i still can’t figure out how you threw your back out.
it was just one of those freak "acts of god."
a likely story. when i found you prostrate on the office floor, it looked as if you’d been crawling away from the computer desk. i know that chair isn’t the most comfortable but.... you were jacking off to porn weren’t you?!
it wasn’t porn. the trailer for the new firefly movie just came out and... i’m sure i wasn’t the only one.
you sick little puppy. i am so getting my own keyboard and mouse.
i want to lick your nose.
i want to lick your nose.
i want to lick your nose.
i want to lick your nose.
i want to lick your nose.
maybe we could get fit by riding bikes.
gosh! that takes me back. that last time i rode a bike was,...
,..oh, yes. my buck’s night.
ah, the memories.
how do you make a dog meow?
put it in the freezer for three days, pull it out then run it across a band saw.
you thieved that from george smilovici.
it’s called "paying homage" dear. how about this one then, what do dogs say when they spontaneously combust?
you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?
much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.
a week later
it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.
wait a second,...
oh my god! kylie minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
well, she should have kept them out of the sun.
it’s not the first time her breasts have created a blood-fed growth.
...she said what?
"my pet monkey has better handwriting skills than you and he uses his own fecal matter as a medium."
that’s what i thought you said. wow, that’s a little disturbing.
thanks monique, talking to you has really helped.
your handwriting is atrocious, get over it. the bigger picture is eluding you at present, isn’t it?
you want to have a go at my artwork now?
tyler, an old friend of yours has a pet monkey, that she communicates with, using alphabet poo.
yes but...oh, right. well, that’s one less card to send out at christmas i guess.
they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.
they say that?
that’s what they say.
well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.
they say that?
that’s what they say.
it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.
you never know.
hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?
i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.
i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.
well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.
although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape
the next day, a security solution is in place.
hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.
have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?
sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....
oh, lord, no
has your friend dylan changed to primary school teaching now?
i don’t speak to dylan anymore. just for conversation’s sake, why do you ask?
i saw him at the pub the other night. he wanted to tell me another of his outrageously funny jokes.
am i going to want to hear it? she asks with rolled newspaper poised.
probably not but here goes, what’s so good about 88 year olds?
there’s 80 of them.
strangely enough, that really wasn’t worth it. ow.
ick. there’s so much editorial biased crap in here. i don’t know why i read the newspaper at all.
i know what you mean. i haven’t read the paper for years.
you’re reading the paper right now.
no, no. i’m just using it to shield myself from your hagrid face,...
wife kills husband then escapes to tropic island. hailed as hero by most
i’ve been thinking about buying one of those robot vaccum cleaners.
all you have to do is empty the dust bin.
all i have to do? cleaning is a woman’s chore!
oh, we’re traditional now? so you’re finally going to fix my car then?
not likely. that’s a mechanic’s chore.
and yours is?
watching porn, mostly.
"it has been alleged in the ’dr death’ inquiry that a patient’s life support had been turned off because dr death needed the bed space."
good for him, saving all those taxpayer dollars.
tyler, that’s an incredibly heartless thing to say. what if it had been one of your relatives that he murdered?
ok, let me rephrase that.
i can’t find my passport.
it should be in the filing cabinet.
aha! it’s probably in this folder marked ’monique’.
hey, wait a second,..
this is a file full of insults? are you keeping a file full of insults in reserve that you can use on me?
i guess i just put my spare time to good use.
you are such a freak.
and you are my muse.
what are you doing tyler?
i’m watching the next door neighbour’s front yard.
the car guys yard?
yeah. i’ve noticed that when he finishes doing up one of his hot rods, he’ll leave it on his front yard all innocent and unprotected like.
unprotected like? have you been hanging out with jeff foxworthy?
funny. no, you know those strange, high pitched sqealing noises we hear occasionally?
you mean it’s not been you looking in the mirror?
oh, she’s in rare form tonight. i think our neighbour has been testing some customized anti-theft dev...oh dear lord, is that a claw?!
i wonder if the vienna boys’ choir knows about this? it would save a lot in training costs.
oh so close.
ick! there are rat droppings in the house. you’re the one who insists on living in squalor, do something about it.
the next morning
aaaaaaaagh! mother f,....
yep, definately no rats on her side of the bed.
ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.
yes and you agreed to a cessation of your "no pants" policy.
my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.
ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?
surprisingly less so as the years progress. damn this materialistic society we live in. well this has been fun but i really must dash off to work.
i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.
i left you some solvent in my coffee mug. tootles.
all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*
oopsie, did i say my coffee mug?
do you believe in karma?
the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!
i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.
this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.
you’re a non-believer then?
there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.
hard drive failure? hard drive failure??
mmmm, i do feel better.
so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
that’s,.. umm,.. research.
huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
really? please excuse me.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
$350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
ok, your turn.
i don’t think so.
while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
fine, i was only kidding.
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
oh yeah, that’s it baby.
i just slammed my pinky in the door.
what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
finger,. my pinky finger.
oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
you’re such a fucking retard.
ha! makes sense i guess.
when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
i only saw one pair in the hamper.
yes you did.
enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
except for the fuglies of course.
of course, neo greaseboy.
you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
where the fuck am i?
monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
i think i’m in the wrong place.
here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
i love you honey!
are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
we’re both so lucky.
meanwhile in our universe,..
so,.. very,.. happy!!
okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
who said that?
no! no! noooooooooo!!!
send me back, send me back!!
how long has it been since you washed your hair?
a couple of months i guess.
yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
which brings me to my next point.
you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
nah, she blew me off.
the saucy minx.
in your dreams, monkey boy.
waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
it’s coffee, cow face.
there’s coffee in my fly?
no, a fly in your coffee.
oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
you know...this coffee tastes weird.
actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
weh ith de mouthwath?!
you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
i wish you were a breatharian.
hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
but i don’t have any porn...in there.
that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
in a dictionary?
no, that’s where i keep the porn.
is she still out there?
yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
you could always talk to her yourself.
are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.
you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.
i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.
i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?
well, it may be because i soaked your pants in beef last night... or perhaps the dogs just preferred something hairy, smelly and infested with fleas.
it has to stop, and it has to stop now.
i don’t know what you’re talking about.
that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.
there’s nothing scary about clown music.
i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.
clown’s are funny!
huff. huff. huff. huff-a huff-a huff-a huff-a, woooooooo!
what are you watching in there?
ok, everybody out!
some old gang bang movie i’d forgotten i’d had. wow, they don’t make porn stars like they used to. i didn’t think she’d be able to walk away from that train crash.
i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.
yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland.
if you thought mars was the god of war,....
i’m already running!
i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.
wasting your money on stupid gimmicks just to listen to music. that’s so lame.
oh, very funny! you know,.. you can be a complete ba,....
have you been sending me blackmail again?
what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?
i received some extremely bizarre pictures of black men having sex...again.
oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present.
*whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
tyler...are you praying?? you do know that god doesn’t exist, right?
you know, this is all your fault monique.
yowser to the red monkey paste!
do i want to know?
chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time.
at least until next wednesday.
and now a cartoon involving a polar bear in a snow storm.
what the fuck was that?
*sniff**sniff* that air freshener must finally be working. i can barely smell you.
nah, i just found a cork with a good enough seal.
you put a cork...? oh tyler, that’s just... why?
well, you know that joke rodney rude does? "jeeze mate, that would have lifted a lighter man clear off his seat!"
i thought i’d test the theory out, mythbusters style. oh-oh...here we go.
impressively aerobatic, if a little wiffy.
i’ve been reading the novel ’1984’. it’s so cool. a dangerously beaurocratic future.
war is peace.
ignorance is strength.
a sick and tired marriage is romance?
i think that the tv show ’big brother’ could gain some inspiration from that book.
imagine that there was no eviction. just one day your roommate was ’vanished’, and never refered to again.
’this is big brother. there never was a sixth roommate. any memory you have of one must be false’
mmm..this licorice is really chewy.
but hard and crunchy on the inside.
why isn’t my computer working? hey! who took my extension cord?!
oh god. at least this time it wasn’t plugged in.
the most rockenest, hippest and coolest band the world is ever likely to see! plus we have the highest content of donkey sauce ever to come out of brisvegas! wanna be my groupie?
as tempting as that offer is, i do have a prior commitment to chew out my own eyeballs.
tyler, you don’t have to actually be a rockstar in order to feel like one.
you just have to be putting it away with an underage model and snort an obscene amout of cocaine.
although, that’s just for you’re average joe. you however, are going to have to be able to eat lead and shit gold.
your friend you got my new hard drive from, he’s a bit of a comedian is he?
wes? he has his moments i suppose. why do you ask?
oh, i don’t know, perhaps it’s got something to do with the 40gb of hard core bestiality he pre-loaded onto the hard drive?!
girl on horse, girl on dog, dog on horse, ferrets in cows, man on postbox... it is all disgusting and i am not amused!
technically, i don’t think that last one counts. if you’d like, i could take it back and get you another, stain free, hard drive.
sicko. you’d sprain both your wrists before you got through that lot.
it’s an art form my dear. you just have to pace yourself.
screw you very much for that mental image. i’m off to snort some napisan.
frighteningly loud farty sound!
ahhh, better out than in.
for you maybe. damn woman!
sweet, sweet relief.
i think you killed the neighbour’s kid.
serves him right for being locked in our basement.
you know, everyone remembers that van gogh cut off his own ear, but it’s not like that was a big thing?
well, he was a painter. if he wanted to make a big impact he could have gouged out one of his eyes. wouldn’t that have been a romantic gesture?
i always thought that it was romantic when you sent me an ear in the post.
that is, until i realised it wasn’t yours.
...yeah, good one mate. listen, i’ve got to go. there’s a shapely young thing waiting for me in the sack, if you know what i mean, heh heh.
that’s right! she’s even got her name tattooed on her side, totally wild man. monique? nah, absolutely clueless. i’ll talk to you later, i’ve got to relieve someone of their ability to walk. oh, yeah!
oh, hey monique. no, you’ve got it all wrong. c’mon, put the bat down. look, it’s just...
dear lord noooo!
you killed my beer!
deftly, he sidesteps the poorly worded and yea, mispelt slur against his prowess in the boudoir.
zing! tyler masterfully ripostes with his rapier like wit. the ice maiden grovels before him in obeisance.
did you say something dear?
phew! i’ve finally managed to net off the paw-paw trees in the back yard. no more bat problems.
tyler? have you seen my fish-nets?
whoa! that was quick.
ok, we’ll try it again. what do you get if you multiply six by nine?
that’s just dumb.
it’s my cousin’s birthday next week but she’s got the "travel bug" and i don’t know where she’ll be to send her a present.
send it by owl.
i noticed you didn’t eat the lovely mushrooms i cooked into the dinner last night.
you know i don’t like them. eating mushrooms is like eating something that’s dead.
ah hermione, you sexy little know-it-all. if only you were real...
hey tyler, are you up to the bit where hermione dies yet?
nooo!! my life, it flashes before my eyes!
mmmm, reading each new ’harry potter’ book is like putting on a favoured old coat or perhaps a brand new pair of woollen socks. they feel so warm and snuggly, very easy to slip into.
although, the same could be said of a two dollar whore.
but we won’t.
what are you watching?
’monk,’ yet another dopey american detective show.
does he spell his name with a silent ’e’ and ’y’?
ooo, ooo, ooo!
ok, i’ll bite. what’s got you so steamed?
the patent office rejected another of my applications! it was the best one yet!
how could they reject a "vaginal sneakoscope"?!
i want you to be on your best behaviour at this dinner party tonight.
of course. you can trust me.
later that night.
i can’t believe you!! i can’t take you anywhere!!
what the hell is your problem? all i did was say that i liked her hat.
she is a siamese twin.
oh,.. that would explain why it was so life like,...
,..and foul mouthed.
"nose biting is said still to be practised in micronesia. while nose biting is a well described phenomenon, this is not the case with bites to the penis,..."
chew my domesticated beast of burden.
i am not eating your vomit tyler.
yes you’re very clever but i refuse to "chew your yak."
oh, no, what i meant was, bite my ass, y’know donkey, ha ha. fine, just forget it.
perhaps i can get the yak to take lessons from the micronesians.
dear? why did the bank send us a ’thank-you’ letter for taking out a second mortgage on the house when we haven’t taken out a second mortgage?
i needed some money to finance a new project i’m working on.
your going to finance your own movie by remor... you did it to buy more beads didn’t you?
it’s a very unhealthy obsesion monique. whilst i admit the bead underpants are extremely stimulating, i think you should sto..
did you get that game from your friend for the dinner party on friday?
what? he said we could borrow it. we even invited the little prick to the dinner.
he changed his mind. he said it was in his car and that he was kind of using it.
he’s using a board game in his car? can’t he see over the steering wheel?
who knows? look, he’s just a little prick.
oh for chet’s sake! this always happens. i guess we’ll just have to play cards, again! i’m really getting sick of playing strip poker with your parents monique.
you and me both. *shudder*
from the creator of ’pearl harbor’ and ’armageddon’,...
transformers, the live action film.
next he’s going to travel back in time and steal all your toys.
beginning of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.
i am in a comic strip.
hey! so am i.
end of token ’fourth wall breaking’ strip.
tyler, do you remember what we did with the futon?
futon? isn’t that what you measure the atomic mass of tofu in?
i had no idea tofu was on the periodic table.
oh yeah, it’s like number thirty-three or something.
do you know what today is tyler?
oh wow, thanks, i’d almost forgotten. today is
the day of the nose.
it’s the day the whole world celebrates your filthy, enormous, wart ridden, nose!
excuse me but my nose is dainty and precious.
well... it is now.
it’s the day of the nose, the day of the nose, hooray for today as it’s the day of the nose!
no dancing on the coffee table, bacon boy.
i’m doing a tafe course to learn how to pick locks.
yeah! it’s kind of fun learning a new skill.
well, there goes that plan.
what was that?
hey there lebanese blonde.
let go blue eyes.
you can call me orange sky. would you like to go to the fair? we could see such great heights.
don’t panic but one of these things first, i’m in the waiting line on this winding road to see movie beat.
man, is this some new slang you’re speaking? caring is creepy.
i just don’t think i’ll ever get over you.
you are the only living boy in new york.
would you like to give me an australian kiss?
am i likely to wear the dolmio grin?
get a lump in my throat?
nope, not even taste a trap for mieces.
ooo! a azor bade, at’s new.
do you remember when there was love and romance in our lives?
ah, halcyon days.
she left me.
do anything interesting today?
no, my sweet.
nothing all day?
no, my mills and boonian vision of all that is love, nothing.
you’ve been drinking again haven’t you?
nothing but drinking, my sweet apple blossom. draino now comes in six packs, bless them.
have you ever noticed that a traditional love heart, when turned upside down, looks like a bum?
every day, tyler.
really? cause i only just noti,...
oh, very trite. well done.
goddamnit! where is it?!
monique? have you seen my...ah...y’know that, thingo that i can’t find?
your thingo hey? what does it look like?
it’s green and i need it to do that thing i need to do.
well if my thingo was green i’d want to see a doctor about it.
funny. if ’it’ was green, there’s only one pot i’ve been dipping it in that would make it so....number one.
you know, you shouldn’t eat margarine. it’s ninety percent plastic.
i think what you mean to say is that it’s one molecule from being plastic.
well, that’s still bad.
that’s like saying that i should give up drinking water because it’s only one molecule from being hydrogen-peroxide.
i know, i’ll stop breathing, because oxygen is only one molecule from being ozone.
tyler, my love, when i asked you to pick up a replacement lithium-ion battery for my laptop, what type did you really purchase?
ah,... seawater and earwax.
owie! they told me it was a new universal type of battery that could power anything.
hold that thought. let’s just see if it can universally power your caboose!
what can you say about the kangaroos that hasn’t been said before?!
they routinely fellate diseased warthogs in the vain attempt to summon their one true lord and master satan, lord of the flies, devourer of souls and producer of those boils you get around the rim of your sphincter that really hurt when you try to open the freezer door just after someone’s shut it so fast that all the air has escaped making it nigh on impossible to re-open...
i’m pretty sure that’s never been said about the kangaroos before.
any other day i would have to agree but according to this article in the quibbler...
candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman.
she’s downstairs big guy.
it’s always been you helen.
monique! what’s the big idea swapping some arty farty video with my favourite cheerleader movie?!
yes you! why don’t you do something useful and answer the phone!
i think you’ll find it’s for you dear.
hello? yes. what?!
oh, you muthafu...
donkeys are by far the best source of vitamin q the world has ever seen. i know this because my family has been breeding donkeys for the past 17 generations.
phantasms eat regularly to help keep those annoying monkey burgers at bay. remember what they say, "a monkey burger a day, helps keep the giraffes from eating your small intestines while you sleep."
when i lick the noodles of my mind, i immediately understand life. i become life. to lick the noodles of my mind is to understand perfection as seen from the lickable noodles of my mind. i lick therefore i am.
reform no other before me, i am as the wind through the undergarments of life. i am the undergarments of life. i blow therefore i lick therefore i am. so it is written, so shall it be, forever more.
i want your soul.
my soul? i don’t think so.
you wanted to marry me, you wanted my love. i gave you my love as you gave me yours. your love is mine, and no others. i want your soul!
my soul is my own. without it, i am not me. how may i freely give my love to you if i am... not?
i want your soul!
i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.
i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?
supermarket trolley wheels!
supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.
that was me.
hi there, is this tyler?
yes? who’s this?
good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35
good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.
don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.
i’m going out sweetie.
aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.
imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.
it’d be the perfect scam.
so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?