Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It’s not um.... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
:Monigue says: don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
,Tyler coffee.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
:Tyler says: that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Will you love me? '
written by
Dan
the traditional setup
:Monigue says: will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
the traditional punchline
:Tyler says: of course i do dear.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
tyler’s actual answer
:Tyler says: don’t be retarded you slack mole.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We Love You Britney! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
:Monigue says: i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
:Tyler says: not as good as he says he is, huh?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
:Tyler says: naturally.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Odd Charges '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
:Tyler says: it wasn’t a hooker!
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i didn’t say it was...
:Tyler says: oh. good! nevermind then.
:Monigue says: you hired a hooker?
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: nah. it’s just porn.
:Monigue says: so we still have to have sex?
:Tyler says: afraid so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dusting '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this place is so dusty.
:Monigue says: then maybe you should do some dusting.
:Tyler says: i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says from offstage: a chick’s job?
:Tyler says: yeah. hey, where are you going?
:Monigue says from offstage: to get a broom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: oh, good.
:Monigue says from offstage: you better start running.
:Tyler says: ah, fuck
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Birds '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: great tits!
:Monigue says: what?
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i’m reading an article about birdlife.
:Monigue says: oh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: nice boobies!
:Monigue says: cock!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Quentin Goldman '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
:Monigue says: she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
:Tyler says: i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i would not say such things if i were you.
:Tyler says: why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
:Monigue says: what were we talking about?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' In The Name Of '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says from offstage: *uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stellar teacup ride '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
:Tyler says: oh,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Slip Slidin’ Away '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and i came across a box of your old uni stuff. does "analien: in space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?
:Tyler says: why whatever do you mean?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i mean, why do you have a vhs tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?
:Tyler says: it was a gift from friends, i’ve never actually watched it.
:Monigue says: i’m not worried about your sexuality tyler. it’s just that when i saw the title and the signatures of all the cast and the personal message, "to our bestest grease boy ever." i thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s not something i’m ashamed of. while you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, i was able to pay my university fees upfront. it may not have paid as much as a fluffer but i was working an honest job for honest...
:Monigue says: ...hard core, gay porn. you haven’t answered my question senator.
:Tyler says: no i haven’t, have i.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hitting Girls '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: why is it that you get to hit me but i don’t get to hit you?
:Monigue says: because i’m a girl.
:Tyler says: so,..
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: remember lorena bobbitt?
:Tyler says: take it. it’s not like i enjoy using my penis any more.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: and you already sit down to pee.
:Tyler says: bite me.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Angry feminists '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: so, what are you reading about?
:Monigue says: angry feminists.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: wait, feminists are angry? what do they have to be angry about?
:Monigue says: female circumcision for one.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.
:Monigue says: you’re not helping.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yo Yo Yo '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: i will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.
:Monigue says: do you even know what "bling bling" is?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: sure i do.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: a fiddy cent ringtone for my cell phone?
:Monigue says: you go now.
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Welcome to Earth '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i had to go into town to, do something, i think. the place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?
:Monigue says: relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. some people like to express themselves with costume.
:Tyler says: my eyes....
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stay Awhile '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you can stop with the cookie monster impressions, it can’t have been that bad.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! the overstretched spandex, the bad wigs, the disfiguring acne.
:Tyler says: the well rounded tights, the thigh hugging boots, oh yeah, the...
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ...deep impression of my forehead in the table, ow!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: actually, that worked. thanks, i think.
:Monigue says: anytime.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stay for a Little Bit '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you realise that you’re one of the biggest fanboys i know.
:Tyler says: i am nothing like those people.
:Monigue says: you picked a napkin out of the bin because you thought sarah michelle gellar may have used it. fanboy.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: am not.
:Monigue says: as stunning as this repartee is, you’d probably like it at the expo. there will be lots of buffy merchandise to paw through and i’m pretty sure i heard that joss whedon’s signature will be making a special appearance.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: peace at last. if he comes back with any of those evangelion dollies however...
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' You Know You Want To '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: that was great! most of those costumed freaks were really nice, i hardly wanted to punch any of them in the face. there were a lot of non-costumed people like me there too, who would have thought?
:Monigue says: ah me, how time flies.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i picked up some "crumpleton experiment" and a "phatsville comix." a little, hyperactive young lad even wanted to sell me his love. i got to see jake the muss, very cool. i had no idea "once were warriors" was still so popular, and...
:Monigue says: ..this one time, at band camp.
:Tyler says: huh?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: anyway, i’m going back tomorrow, you should come too.
:Monigue says: i don’t fucking think so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bored Last Night '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: what are you so happy about? and where did you go last night?
:Tyler says: i was bored, so i did what i usually do. i wandered up and down the aisles at the hardware store.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: and did it relieve your boredom?
:Tyler says: inspiration struck when i found that the plungers were stored next to the super glue.
:Monigue says: you didn’t,...
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
television blares! and in news today,..
:Tyler says: shh! this’ll be it.
:Monigue says: oh lord no.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nevermind '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: if you’re going to read comic books behind there, you could at least turn the newspaper the right way up.
:Tyler says: hey? oh, right.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: better?
:Monigue says: much. what are you reading anyway?
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: "groovy gravy" surprisingly, it’s not crap.
:Monigue says: more in-jokes? when will you learn?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cinnamon to Taste '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: mmmm, nummy.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: y’know, the average human body contains 5.7 litres of blood.
:Monigue says: random fact spouting, this is new. what book did you get this tidbit from pray?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: book?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Milk '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you used the last of the milk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: actually i tipped out what was left of what i replaced the milk with last week.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Chipper '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: singing!
:Monigue says: you’re chipper!
:Tyler says: my chipper?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you are chipper
:Tyler says: oh! well, i figured out the solution to a problem that has been bothering me.
:Monigue says: what was the solution?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: my chipper.
:Monigue says: what was the problem?
:Tyler says: it’s probably best you don’t ask.
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Choke the Chicken '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you work in the movie business, right?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: yeah, well y’know when you need animals on set, they have to come with trainers or "wranglers?"
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: if you needed a bunch of roosters for a scene would the trainer be called a, "cock wrangler?"
:Monigue says: i don’t know, grease boy, you tell me.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bang! Pop! '
written by
Dan
bang!
pop!
fzzztgrgle!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: well, i’m going to go to the computer store.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thanks for the Mammaries '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: can i fondle your breasts?
:Monigue says: excuse me?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i’m bored.
:Monigue says: fondle your own.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well...i guess they are of a similar size.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Schrodinger’s Friend '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you know your friend alex?
:Tyler says: the quantum theorist?
:Monigue says: that’s the one.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: sometimes he’s a really pleasant chap,..
:Monigue says: but sometimes he comes across as a power hungry machivalian arse-clown.
:Monigue says: you’ve known this quantum theorist longer. which is he?
,Tyler silent.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: indeterminate!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It must be Thursday '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m an emotional rag. the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is released this thursday. i’ve been waiting for this film for so long. my expectations don’t know what to do.
:Tyler says: i’m so scared that they’ll be too high, and i’ll be let down by the film, but,..
:Tyler says: then i think that i’ll hate it because my expectations are so high,..
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: but then my expectations to hate it will mean that i’ll be pleasantly surprised when i actually see it,..
:Tyler says: so now i’m looking forward to it again,.. so my expectations are high,..
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: i hear it’s pretty good.
:Tyler says: aaaaaarghh!!!!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaantss '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’m not wearing any pants.
:Monigue says: good thing i superglued your ass to that chair then.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ah. so you did. and not just my ass, it appears.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants II '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says from offstage: i’m off to the mall! there’s a sale on shoes.
:Tyler says: bugger. stupid glue.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: if only i were more flexible.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants III '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
slam! crash!
:Tyler says: it’s about time you got home! there seems to have been some glue on the table...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ┬┐que?
:Tyler says: ...monique?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
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