Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It’s not um.... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
:Monigue says: don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
,Tyler coffee.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
:Tyler says: that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Will you love me? '
written by
Dan
the traditional setup
:Monigue says: will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
the traditional punchline
:Tyler says: of course i do dear.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
tyler’s actual answer
:Tyler says: don’t be retarded you slack mole.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We Love You Britney! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
:Monigue says: i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
:Tyler says: not as good as he says he is, huh?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
:Tyler says: naturally.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Odd Charges '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
:Tyler says: it wasn’t a hooker!
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i didn’t say it was...
:Tyler says: oh. good! nevermind then.
:Monigue says: you hired a hooker?
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: nah. it’s just porn.
:Monigue says: so we still have to have sex?
:Tyler says: afraid so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dusting '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this place is so dusty.
:Monigue says: then maybe you should do some dusting.
:Tyler says: i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says from offstage: a chick’s job?
:Tyler says: yeah. hey, where are you going?
:Monigue says from offstage: to get a broom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: oh, good.
:Monigue says from offstage: you better start running.
:Tyler says: ah, fuck
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Birds '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: great tits!
:Monigue says: what?
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i’m reading an article about birdlife.
:Monigue says: oh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: nice boobies!
:Monigue says: cock!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Quentin Goldman '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
:Monigue says: she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
:Tyler says: i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i would not say such things if i were you.
:Tyler says: why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
:Monigue says: what were we talking about?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' In The Name Of '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says from offstage: *uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stellar teacup ride '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
:Tyler says: oh,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Slip Slidin’ Away '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and i came across a box of your old uni stuff. does "analien: in space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?
:Tyler says: why whatever do you mean?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i mean, why do you have a vhs tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?
:Tyler says: it was a gift from friends, i’ve never actually watched it.
:Monigue says: i’m not worried about your sexuality tyler. it’s just that when i saw the title and the signatures of all the cast and the personal message, "to our bestest grease boy ever." i thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s not something i’m ashamed of. while you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, i was able to pay my university fees upfront. it may not have paid as much as a fluffer but i was working an honest job for honest...
:Monigue says: ...hard core, gay porn. you haven’t answered my question senator.
:Tyler says: no i haven’t, have i.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hitting Girls '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: why is it that you get to hit me but i don’t get to hit you?
:Monigue says: because i’m a girl.
:Tyler says: so,..
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: remember lorena bobbitt?
:Tyler says: take it. it’s not like i enjoy using my penis any more.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: and you already sit down to pee.
:Tyler says: bite me.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Angry feminists '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: so, what are you reading about?
:Monigue says: angry feminists.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: wait, feminists are angry? what do they have to be angry about?
:Monigue says: female circumcision for one.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.
:Monigue says: you’re not helping.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yo Yo Yo '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: i will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.
:Monigue says: do you even know what "bling bling" is?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: sure i do.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: a fiddy cent ringtone for my cell phone?
:Monigue says: you go now.
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Welcome to Earth '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i had to go into town to, do something, i think. the place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?
:Monigue says: relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. some people like to express themselves with costume.
:Tyler says: my eyes....
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stay Awhile '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you can stop with the cookie monster impressions, it can’t have been that bad.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! the overstretched spandex, the bad wigs, the disfiguring acne.
:Tyler says: the well rounded tights, the thigh hugging boots, oh yeah, the...
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ...deep impression of my forehead in the table, ow!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: actually, that worked. thanks, i think.
:Monigue says: anytime.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stay for a Little Bit '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you realise that you’re one of the biggest fanboys i know.
:Tyler says: i am nothing like those people.
:Monigue says: you picked a napkin out of the bin because you thought sarah michelle gellar may have used it. fanboy.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: am not.
:Monigue says: as stunning as this repartee is, you’d probably like it at the expo. there will be lots of buffy merchandise to paw through and i’m pretty sure i heard that joss whedon’s signature will be making a special appearance.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: peace at last. if he comes back with any of those evangelion dollies however...
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' You Know You Want To '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: that was great! most of those costumed freaks were really nice, i hardly wanted to punch any of them in the face. there were a lot of non-costumed people like me there too, who would have thought?
:Monigue says: ah me, how time flies.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i picked up some "crumpleton experiment" and a "phatsville comix." a little, hyperactive young lad even wanted to sell me his love. i got to see jake the muss, very cool. i had no idea "once were warriors" was still so popular, and...
:Monigue says: ..this one time, at band camp.
:Tyler says: huh?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: anyway, i’m going back tomorrow, you should come too.
:Monigue says: i don’t fucking think so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bored Last Night '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: what are you so happy about? and where did you go last night?
:Tyler says: i was bored, so i did what i usually do. i wandered up and down the aisles at the hardware store.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: and did it relieve your boredom?
:Tyler says: inspiration struck when i found that the plungers were stored next to the super glue.
:Monigue says: you didn’t,...
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
television blares! and in news today,..
:Tyler says: shh! this’ll be it.
:Monigue says: oh lord no.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nevermind '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: if you’re going to read comic books behind there, you could at least turn the newspaper the right way up.
:Tyler says: hey? oh, right.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: better?
:Monigue says: much. what are you reading anyway?
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: "groovy gravy" surprisingly, it’s not crap.
:Monigue says: more in-jokes? when will you learn?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cinnamon to Taste '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: mmmm, nummy.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: y’know, the average human body contains 5.7 litres of blood.
:Monigue says: random fact spouting, this is new. what book did you get this tidbit from pray?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: book?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Milk '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you used the last of the milk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: actually i tipped out what was left of what i replaced the milk with last week.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Chipper '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: singing!
:Monigue says: you’re chipper!
:Tyler says: my chipper?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you are chipper
:Tyler says: oh! well, i figured out the solution to a problem that has been bothering me.
:Monigue says: what was the solution?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: my chipper.
:Monigue says: what was the problem?
:Tyler says: it’s probably best you don’t ask.
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Choke the Chicken '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you work in the movie business, right?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: yeah, well y’know when you need animals on set, they have to come with trainers or "wranglers?"
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: if you needed a bunch of roosters for a scene would the trainer be called a, "cock wrangler?"
:Monigue says: i don’t know, grease boy, you tell me.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bang! Pop! '
written by
Dan
bang!
pop!
fzzztgrgle!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: well, i’m going to go to the computer store.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thanks for the Mammaries '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: can i fondle your breasts?
:Monigue says: excuse me?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i’m bored.
:Monigue says: fondle your own.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well...i guess they are of a similar size.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Schrodinger’s Friend '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you know your friend alex?
:Tyler says: the quantum theorist?
:Monigue says: that’s the one.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: sometimes he’s a really pleasant chap,..
:Monigue says: but sometimes he comes across as a power hungry machivalian arse-clown.
:Monigue says: you’ve known this quantum theorist longer. which is he?
,Tyler silent.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: indeterminate!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It must be Thursday '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m an emotional rag. the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is released this thursday. i’ve been waiting for this film for so long. my expectations don’t know what to do.
:Tyler says: i’m so scared that they’ll be too high, and i’ll be let down by the film, but,..
:Tyler says: then i think that i’ll hate it because my expectations are so high,..
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: but then my expectations to hate it will mean that i’ll be pleasantly surprised when i actually see it,..
:Tyler says: so now i’m looking forward to it again,.. so my expectations are high,..
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: i hear it’s pretty good.
:Tyler says: aaaaaarghh!!!!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaantss '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’m not wearing any pants.
:Monigue says: good thing i superglued your ass to that chair then.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ah. so you did. and not just my ass, it appears.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants II '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says from offstage: i’m off to the mall! there’s a sale on shoes.
:Tyler says: bugger. stupid glue.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: if only i were more flexible.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants III '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
slam! crash!
:Tyler says: it’s about time you got home! there seems to have been some glue on the table...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ¿que?
:Tyler says: ...monique?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Paaaants IV '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: um, look señor, i don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing here but you’ve got to help me man.
:Monigue says from offstage: ¿usted está bien, hombre?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i need some solvent. metho, vodka, anything.
:Monigue says from offstage: mi amigo, los genitales son vinculados muy a esa silla
:Monigue says from offstage: bien, yo no soy interesado en actos sexuales extraños, yo ahora saldré con esta máquina de dvd.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: please,.. you’ve got to,.. hey! are you stealing my dvd player?
:Monigue says from offstage: bueno adiós, hombre
:Tyler says: noooooooo!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pop! Goes the Weasel '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: apparently, my boss is getting some serious grief from a rival "gun shop." he’s given all employees some special, "home protection."
:Monigue says: a gun! you’ve brought a firearm into this house?!
:Tyler says: it’s ok monique, i’ll have it on me at all times. see, it’s tucked into my pan...
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
bang
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i’m ok.
:Monigue says: careful there tyler, you don’t want to go off half-cocked.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Editor '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i can’t believe i’m so disappointed with the hitchhiker’s movie. the editing was,.. was,..
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: you really had a lot resting on that movie didn’t you? i almost feel bad for my part in the selection of the editor.
:Tyler says: you chose the editor?
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: ’chose’ is probably the wrong word for a process involving tequila and a blindfold.
,Tyler angry.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fishing '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: well, i’m off fishing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: aren’t you a bit optimistic using those over-sized hooks?
:Tyler says from offstage: i just like a situation where those with the biggest mouths are punished.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: what the hell is that supposed to mean?
:Tyler says from offstage: whoops! gotta go.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Eternal Sunshine '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: wasn’t ’eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ wonderful and romantic?
:Tyler says: meh!
:Monigue says: it just prompted such intriguing questions.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: meh!
:Monigue says: erasing memories. what a strange notion.
:Monigue says: hey tyler, what memories would you have deleted?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: this conversation would make a nice start.
:Monigue says: fucker!
:Tyler says: whoa! déjà vu!
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dugong '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaargh!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: you prick! you think it’s funny to replace my bathroom mirror with an aquarium containing a dugong?
:Tyler says: not as funny as the fact that it’s been there two days already.
:Monigue says: fuck you, tyler.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: ancient sailors mistook them for mermaids.
:Monigue says: blow me!
:Tyler says: big fat hairy mermaids.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nothing '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says:
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: did you just say ’nothing’?
:Monigue says: i didn’t say anything.
:Tyler says: no, did you just say,. ’nothing’?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: the word ’nothing’?
:Tyler says: no damnit!! did you speak, but not say anything at all?
:Monigue says: start making sense baldy or i’m packing you off to a home.
,Tyler angry.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Refined, cold blooded, deliberate shenanigans '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: have the baskervilles moved in next door?
:Tyler says: i don’t believe so.
:Monigue says: well, i just...ah, i don’t suppose you know anything about the large, glowing canine next door?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: it’s funny you should mention that monique. when i was a young lad, my friend and i would delight in painting the neighbourhood pets all the colours of the rainbow.
:Tyler says: these days, however, i have many more years under the belt, a bigger bank account and access to a disgustingly large hardware store where i may purchase fluorescent spray paint and uv light globes to suit street lamps. the revolution starts here, baby!
:Monigue says: that’s really quite inventive tyler, but...
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ...but?
:Monigue says: i’m just trying to get past the fact you had a friend when you were young.
:Tyler says: i did give him half my pocket money every week.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' GM Herb Garden '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know how you said it was a mistake to plant a genetically modified herb garden?
:Monigue says: if i remember correctly, i told you that it was ’screwing with the laws of nature’.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i hate to say this, but i think you might have been right.
:Monigue says: well well well, so mister infallible has an archillies heel. so what brings this bout of ecological gallantry?
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyyyyy-leeeeerrr!
:Tyler says: maybe you should ask it.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Youth '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ,..then i’ve got an appointment at the solarium, then it’s off to the beauty parlor for a skin peel.
:Tyler says: point one, that’s the most retarded waste of time i’ve ever heard of.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: point two. what the hell are you trying to do recapture your youth? it’s not like you were that pretty then either.
:Monigue says: at least i don’t try to recapture someone else’s youth.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: good god! you let him go? i told you that o’donnally woman wasn’t getting her son back until she cleaned up her footpath!!
:Monigue says: three words tyler.
crime. against. humanity.
:Tyler says from offstage: you’ll make us look soft. now, where did i put my taser.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Trip '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you’re back?
:Monigue says: yeah, why are you so surprised?
:Tyler says: oh, no reason. so how was your boogy-boarding holiday to indonesia?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: good, except my boogy board got mixed up with someone else’s on the trip. i seem to have someone’s called ’schapelle corby’.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: so, what’s in the news back here in australia?
:Tyler says: oh, nothing,... nothing at all.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bored '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m bored!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: well, why don’t you go into the garage and put the car back together.
:Tyler says: ,.. the car,... back,...
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: son of a,...
:Monigue says: i get bored too.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Time Travel '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m back.
:Monigue says: from where?
:Tyler says from offstage: time travelling.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: what the hell are you talking about?
:Tyler says: i travelled back from the future.
:Monigue says: what? how far?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: about 45 seconds.
:Monigue says: you’re an idiot!
:Tyler says from offstage: that’s what you said last time. well, i’m off. seeya later,.. i mean,.. earlier.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We’re all Individuals '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i ran into justin and louise today. they asked how you were and wanted to know if we would be interested in going to a bbq some time. i told them it was a good idea and suggested that they should invite andrew and cheryl, zoe and ash and john and leeanne. zoe’s little girl just had her first birthday.
:Tyler says: hmmm...bbq, sounds good. it makes you wonder though.
:Monigue says: bbq’s make you wonder?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: no, bbq’s make me hungry. i was speaking of our individuality, no, that’s not quite right. it’s just, our friends know us as tylerandmonique, as we know them as justinandlouise or zoeandashley. i was curious as to when we stopped being just tyler and just monique.
:Monigue says: i’m pretty sure i remember the day, i believe an impressive clergyman was involved. did you believe you were ever just tyler?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i guess so.
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Almighty D’oh! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i must say, i feel a little better about myself.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s been so hard, living day in and day out surrounded by complete and utter morons. to know that every person i would meet was simply just not as good as i, was really quite upsetting.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: then i locked my keys in the car.
:Tyler says: ha-ha.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' DNA '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: are you going to see the doctor about your back today?
:Tyler says: no, i’ll be fine. i can sort of walk now. i was talking to my sister earlier and she suggested i take some nurofen... before i go to the doctor.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: fine, it’s your back. if you don’t want to listen to either of us, that’s your lookout. just be careful with the nurofen, it’s strong stuff.
:Tyler says: i can read monique. the label suggests to take no less than 4 tablets, 6 times a day.
:Monigue says: you’re using a definition of "read" that i have been previously unaware of aren’t you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: idiot. "1 every 4 hours. no more than 6 per day." how many did you take?
:Tyler says: i took floaty many. why does the newspaper taste like snozberry?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Found Serenity '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i still can’t figure out how you threw your back out.
:Tyler says: it was just one of those freak "acts of god."
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: a likely story. when i found you prostrate on the office floor, it looked as if you’d been crawling away from the computer desk. i know that chair isn’t the most comfortable but.... you were jacking off to porn weren’t you?!
:Tyler says: it wasn’t porn. the trailer for the new firefly movie just came out and... i’m sure i wasn’t the only one.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: you sick little puppy. i am so getting my own keyboard and mouse.
:Tyler says from offstage: floating away...
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' No One Nose '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: i want to lick your nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: i want to lick your nose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i want to lick your nose.
:Monigue says: moo.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cycling '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: maybe we could get fit by riding bikes.
:Tyler says: gosh! that takes me back. that last time i rode a bike was,...
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ,..oh, yes. my buck’s night.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: ah, the memories.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arfternoon Delight '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: how do you make a dog meow?
:Tyler says: put it in the freezer for three days, pull it out then run it across a band saw.
meeeeeeow!
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: you thieved that from george smilovici.
:Tyler says: it’s called "paying homage" dear. how about this one then, what do dogs say when they spontaneously combust?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
woof
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hobbies '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?
:Tyler says: much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
a week later
:Monigue says from offstage: it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: wait a second,...
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Kylie '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: oh my god! kylie minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: well, she should have kept them out of the sun.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s not the first time her breasts have created a blood-fed growth.
:Monigue says: ew!
:Tyler says: mmm, cancery!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mightier than the Sword '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ...she said what?
:Tyler says: "my pet monkey has better handwriting skills than you and he uses his own fecal matter as a medium."
:Monigue says: that’s what i thought you said. wow, that’s a little disturbing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: thanks monique, talking to you has really helped.
:Monigue says: your handwriting is atrocious, get over it. the bigger picture is eluding you at present, isn’t it?
:Tyler says: you want to have a go at my artwork now?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: tyler, an old friend of yours has a pet monkey, that she communicates with, using alphabet poo.
:Tyler says: yes but...oh, right. well, that’s one less card to send out at christmas i guess.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It never gets old. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.
:Monigue says: they say that?
:Tyler says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.
:Tyler says: they say that?
:Monigue says: that’s what they say.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.
:Monigue says: you never know.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' O’BRIEN! '
written by
Goatlord
thud
thud
thud
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
thud
smash
squeal
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?
:Monigue says: i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Safety '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.
:Tyler says: well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.
:Tyler says: although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
the next day, a security solution is in place.
:Tyler says from offstage: hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.
:Monigue says: have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, lord, no
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bad Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: has your friend dylan changed to primary school teaching now?
:Monigue says: i don’t speak to dylan anymore. just for conversation’s sake, why do you ask?
:Tyler says: i saw him at the pub the other night. he wanted to tell me another of his outrageously funny jokes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: am i going to want to hear it? she asks with rolled newspaper poised.
:Tyler says: probably not but here goes, what’s so good about 88 year olds?
:Tyler says: there’s 80 of them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! hi, therese?
:Tyler says: strangely enough, that really wasn’t worth it. ow.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' News '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ick. there’s so much editorial biased crap in here. i don’t know why i read the newspaper at all.
:Tyler says: i know what you mean. i haven’t read the paper for years.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: you’re reading the paper right now.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: no, no. i’m just using it to shield myself from your hagrid face,...
:Tyler says: again,..
:Monigue says: wife kills husband then escapes to tropic island. hailed as hero by most
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Traditional Gender Roles '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: i’ve been thinking about buying one of those robot vaccum cleaners.
:Tyler says: oh?
:Monigue says: all you have to do is empty the dust bin.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: all i have to do? cleaning is a woman’s chore!
:Monigue says: oh, we’re traditional now? so you’re finally going to fix my car then?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: not likely. that’s a mechanic’s chore.
:Monigue says: and yours is?
:Tyler says: watching porn, mostly.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Decisions, Decisions. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: "it has been alleged in the ’dr death’ inquiry that a patient’s life support had been turned off because dr death needed the bed space."
:Tyler says: good for him, saving all those taxpayer dollars.
:Monigue says: tyler, that’s an incredibly heartless thing to say. what if it had been one of your relatives that he murdered?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: ok, let me rephrase that.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Filing Cabinet '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says from offstage: i can’t find my passport.
:Tyler says: it should be in the filing cabinet.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: aha! it’s probably in this folder marked ’monique’.
:Monigue says from offstage: hey, wait a second,..
:Monigue says from offstage: this is a file full of insults? are you keeping a file full of insults in reserve that you can use on me?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i guess i just put my spare time to good use.
:Monigue says from offstage: you are such a freak.
:Tyler says: and you are my muse.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Doh re me fa so la TIIIIIII! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: what are you doing tyler?
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m watching the next door neighbour’s front yard.
:Monigue says: the car guys yard?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah. i’ve noticed that when he finishes doing up one of his hot rods, he’ll leave it on his front yard all innocent and unprotected like.
:Monigue says: unprotected like? have you been hanging out with jeff foxworthy?
:Tyler says from offstage: funny. no, you know those strange, high pitched sqealing noises we hear occasionally?
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you mean it’s not been you looking in the mirror?
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, she’s in rare form tonight. i think our neighbour has been testing some customized anti-theft dev...oh dear lord, is that a claw?!
:Monigue says: i wonder if the vienna boys’ choir knows about this? it would save a lot in training costs.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Happy Place '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: hmmm.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: ahhh.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home!
:Monigue says: oh so close.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Rats '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ick! there are rat droppings in the house. you’re the one who insists on living in squalor, do something about it.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
the next morning
snap!
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaaagh! mother f,....
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: yep, definately no rats on her side of the bed.
:Monigue says from offstage: ,,.. ucker!!!!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hightower!! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.
:Monigue says: yes and you agreed to a cessation of your "no pants" policy.
:Tyler says: my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?
:Monigue says: surprisingly less so as the years progress. damn this materialistic society we live in. well this has been fun but i really must dash off to work.
:Tyler says: i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says from offstage: i left you some solvent in my coffee mug. tootles.
:Tyler says: all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*
:Monigue says from offstage: oopsie, did i say my coffee mug?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Karma '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you believe in karma?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!
,Tyler query.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Magnets '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.
:Monigue says: you’re a non-believer then?
:Tyler says: there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
that evening,..
:Tyler says from offstage: hard drive failure? hard drive failure??
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: my screenplay!!
:Monigue says: mmmm, i do feel better.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tyler, The Half Cut Prince. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
:Tyler says: i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
:Monigue says: ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
:Tyler says: do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Furries '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
:Monigue says: that’s,.. umm,.. research.
:Tyler says: huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
:Tyler says: fair enough,..
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
:Monigue says: ick!
:Tyler says: ,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pelé Would '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
:Monigue says: really? please excuse me.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says from offstage: ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
,Tyler silent.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: finished?
:Monigue says: for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' New Jeans '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
:Tyler says: $350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
:Tyler says: a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Nodding Budgie '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.,Tyler news.,Monique none.,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Beware the Gaz '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ok, your turn.
:Tyler says: i don’t think so.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Mother was right?! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: fine, i was only kidding.
:Monigue says: damn straight.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: ahhhhh!
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
:Monigue says: oh yeah, that’s it baby.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pinky '
written by
Dan
bang!
:Monigue says from offstage: ow! fuck!!
:Tyler says: problem?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: i just slammed my pinky in the door.
:Tyler says: what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
:Tyler says: oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: finger,. my pinky finger.
:Tyler says: oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
:Monigue says: you’re such a fucking retard.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yesterday however... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ha! makes sense i guess.
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
:Monigue says: this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
:Monigue says: i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pretty Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
:Tyler says: they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
c. why?
:Tyler says: it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i only saw one pair in the hamper.
:Tyler says: yes you did.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Neo Stumpybear '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: except for the fuglies of course.
:Monigue says: of course, neo greaseboy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wormhole '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
:Monigue says: borrowed?
:Tyler says: stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
ba-zit!
:Tyler says: oops.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: where the fuck am i?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
:Monigue says: wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
:Tyler says: what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i think i’m in the wrong place.
:Tyler says: here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
:Monigue says: i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
snatch
:Monigue says from offstage: i love you honey!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 2 '
written by
Dan
universe 0.328
:Tyler says: are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
:Monigue says: very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
:Monigue says: like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
:Tyler says: we’re both so lucky.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
meanwhile in our universe,..

(sans pants)
:Tyler says: *sob*
so,.. very,.. happy!!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 3 '
written by
Dan
our universe
:Tyler says from offstage: okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
bash!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: eep!
:Tyler says from offstage: who said that?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no! no! noooooooooo!!!
:Tyler says from offstage: oh no!
:Monigue says: send me back, send me back!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Healthy Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: how long has it been since you washed your hair?
:Tyler says: a couple of months i guess.
:Monigue says: yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
:Monigue says: dead?
:Tyler says: hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
:Tyler says: in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
:Monigue says: which brings me to my next point.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saucy! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
:Tyler says: nah, she blew me off.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: the saucy minx.
:Monigue says: in your dreams, monkey boy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Special Java '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
:Monigue says: it’s coffee, cow face.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: there’s coffee in my fly?
:Monigue says: no, a fly in your coffee.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
:Monigue says: nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' What’s up, pussy cat? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know...this coffee tastes weird.
:Tyler says: actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
meeeow!!
:Tyler says from offstage: aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wriggly Wormses '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: weh ith de mouthwath?!
:Monigue says: you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Breathe '
written by
Goatlord
grind
crunch
bang
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
:Tyler says: it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
:Tyler says: service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
:Monigue says: i wish you were a breatharian.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dicktionary? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
:Monigue says: yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
:Monigue says: but i don’t have any porn...in there.
:Tyler says: that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
:Tyler says: in a dictionary?
:Monigue says: no, that’s where i keep the porn.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' She knows where you live! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: is she still out there?
:Monigue says from offstage: yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
:Tyler says: clever.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
:Tyler says: seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: you could always talk to her yourself.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
:Monigue says from offstage: please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Dream of Weasleys '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
:Monigue says: hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: mmmm...harry potter.
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nothing but a hound dog '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.
:Monigue says: uh huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.
:Tyler says: i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: well, it may be because i soaked your pants in beef last night... or perhaps the dogs just preferred something hairy, smelly and infested with fleas.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Toilet Music '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: it has to stop, and it has to stop now.
:Monigue says: i don’t know what you’re talking about.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.
:Monigue says: there’s nothing scary about clown music.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.
:Monigue says: clown’s are funny!
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Boxcar Sally Gets Ridden Again '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! all aboard!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
television blares! huff. huff. huff. huff-a huff-a huff-a huff-a, woooooooo!
:Monigue says: what are you watching in there?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
television blares! ok, everybody out!
:Tyler says from offstage: some old gang bang movie i’d forgotten i’d had. wow, they don’t make porn stars like they used to. i didn’t think she’d be able to walk away from that train crash.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Face on Mars '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.
:Monigue says: no kidding.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: if you thought mars was the god of war,....
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m already running!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Headphones '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.
:Monigue says: wasting your money on stupid gimmicks just to listen to music. that’s so lame.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: music?
:Monigue says: oh, very funny! you know,.. you can be a complete ba,....
click
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says:
:Monigue says:
:Monigue says:
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Blackmail '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: have you been sending me blackmail again?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i received some extremely bizarre pictures of black men having sex...again.
:Tyler says: oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thou shalt kneel before me '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler...are you praying?? you do know that god doesn’t exist, right?
:Tyler says: monique, noooo!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
pop!
:Tyler says: you know, this is all your fault monique.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Know You Know '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: yowser to the red monkey paste!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: do i want to know?
:Tyler says: chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: at least until next wednesday.
:Monigue says: tard.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Polar Bear '
written by
Dan
and now a cartoon involving a polar bear in a snow storm.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: grrr
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: what the fuck was that?
:Monigue says: grrrrrrrrrrr
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
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