The museum of Dan's natural history
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I don't drive. I was always a little intimidated by the notion of being in control (or more precisely, not being in control) of a large, heavy, and above all fast piece of machinary. When I would walk down the street my thoughts tended to drift to questions like 'What would happen if I just changed direction and walked into that tree,,.....,..' (a second ticks by) 'Oh that's right. I'd hurt myself'. When you're driving you simply don't have that second to come to your senses. Plus it's going to hurt a lot more at that speed. I may drive one day. Perhaps when I can afford to pay for a car, and maintanence on a car, and fuel for a car, and replacement of a car when I enevitably write it off, and someone else's prize Bentley which will assuradly be the object upon which I write my car off. Until then I'll just ride my scooter about. At least then I won't do too much damage to the Bentley when I ride under it's front wheel.

(in reverse chronological order)

March 98
    I have found my calling. I am now an amateur TheatreSports performer. If you've ever watched the show "Who's line is it anyway?" then you'll know what I'm on about. Groups of four are called upon, in front of an audience, to make up plays and sketches on the spot. Sounds hard? Nah, It's a piece of piss. This way I don't have to remember lines. Often we'll be given a restriction in the form of a game. One enjoyable game is poem. Each person says a line of a poem. Actually the first two people make up a line which flows rhythm-wise and the second two people rhyme (often badly) with them. The only problem I have is that often the audience will be asked to provide a location for the scene to begin and the two that come up most often are (1) the top of a mountain and (for some inexplicable reason) someone almost always manages to fall into a crevasse and (2) the Seven-Eleven where there are two things that can happen. You can stage a robbery or you can have the slurpee machine go nuts. If you have the chance to choose a location for me while I'm performing DO NOT CHOOSE THE SEVEN-ELEVEN!!!!! or I will kill you.

31 August 97

You want to know more stuff about me? OK. I love the King. (uh huh) No I'm not talking about the Elvis Priesly who crooned love songs on those daytime movies. No I'm not talking about the Elvis Priesly whose gyrating hips caused hundreds of women to swoon at a time. I talking about the big, fat, bacon and peanut butter eating, uh huh nnnhuinDawg, Shooting TV's, meeting the Beatles, Buying big arse swimming pools, jump-suit wearing, lyric forgetting, CIA operating, Seven-Eleven convening, kidnapped by aliens, King of Rock and Roll. Elvis, it seems, has actually slipped out of popular culture and into modern mythology. He now sits alongside the other great myths. The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot (of course he should be called big feet) and last but not least Michael Jackson who has baffled experts for years. Just like Bigfoot there is film footage but there is debate over whether it's just a guy in a suit. I am also a big fan of the Loch Ness Monster but unlike Elvis I actually enjoy some of Nessie's earlier songs.

July 97

Strong, muscular, fearless, charismatic. These are all words used to describe a guy I once saw. But what about myself? Inventive? Yes. Witty? It depends on who you talk to. Recollective? (Hang on, I had this written down somewhere) um Yes. Decisive? Sometimes. I live in Australia and plan to until I die or move. If I die I won't move but sadly it doesn't work the other way around. Actually I am fearless but don't spread it around because someone might come around to test me.
I am good at being out of work. I'm an out of work web graphics designer. An out of work fine artist. Even an out of work actor. (Is there any other kind? Well yes, A rich actor.) Not that I can act but then, neither can Pauly Shore or Daymon Wayans. I have tried my hand at poetry. (I'm a poet and I didn't ... realize). Basically I'm just real clever at stuff nobody wants. At the moment I'm at work on a TOP SECRET project. Lets just say it involves computers and ... games. Hush! I've said too much. To see a bit more check out my GALLERY. I'm not racist or sexist but I do acknowledge that women are of coarse worse drivers than men. Yes I know that the statistics say that women have less accidents than men but do you know why men have so many accidents? Because women keep CUTTING THEM OFF. Just cruising along applying makeup up and "Whoops, Missed that red light ho ho silly me." It's probably frugal of me to link to my E-Mail address at this point. Just in case one of those politically correct nutbags come along. Go on! I know you love writing letters.


Dear person, ( not Sir/Madam because that contains the word 'adam'.)

What a load of tripe. Anyway for now I'll leave you with a joke I heard just recently.

Neutron walks into a bar. He sits and says "I'll have a beer thanks". The barkeep pours his beer and serves him. Neutron says "Thanks, How much will that cost?" The Barkeep replies "For you mate? No charge"

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