Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Trial Delays '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: says here that michael jackson checked into a hospital yesterday.
:Monigue says: does it say why?
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: they’re calling it a "flu-like illness."
:Monigue says: oh, i see. i don’t suppose this means they’ll be putting his trial on hold?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: guess so. say, i’m not feeling so well myself.
:Monigue says: you’re not getting out of tantric sex night that easily.
:Tyler says: no, really, i think i’m going to vomit.
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Questions of Origin '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: i’ve been wondering.are we australian, or are we american?
:Monigue says: hmm...
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
,Tyler silent.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: well?
:Monigue says: sorry, i was thinking about mel gibson.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Night Sounds '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: singing!
:Monigue says: why are you so chipper this morning?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: admit it. last night, you made sounds you’ve never made before.
:Monigue says: ha.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: that you’ve heard, anyway.
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Underwear '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know i’ve,.. stopped wearing underwear.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: yes, i realised that.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: that’s why i’ve started wearing double.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sauce of Vitamin C '
written by
Goatlord
’twas the nght before christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring,
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
except for the angry wife stalking her husband with a shiny new axe after discovering her moisturiser had been replaced with...something else.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: he-e-e-e-re’s johnny!
:Tyler says from offstage: run away!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' 1001 Uses '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: ow...honey i’m home!
:Monigue says: he slurs drunkenly after staggering through the screen door...at 6am no less.
:Tyler says from offstage: sweety, i can explain. i was out drinking with the boys when i met this hot chick and well, one thing led to another and we ended up going at it hammer and tong all night. i’m really sorry.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: right...and my uncle noel doesn’t have carnal knowledge of animals. what really happened?
:Tyler says from offstage: ok, ok. i was out drinking with the boys and after we got chucked out at closing time, they thought it would be a good idea to duct tape me to the nearest roundabout....again.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: oh tyler, you could have at least put on clean underwear before you left yesterday.
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' My Hands Are Empty Now '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler none.,Monique none.,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i need a better hiding place for my invisibility potion don’t i?
:Monigue says: maybe.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' CD Burning '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: what’s that smell?
:Tyler says: you wanted me to burn you some madonna cds.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: the cd writer makes that smell?
:Tyler says: cd writer?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says from offstage: my madonna cds!!!!
:Tyler says: whoopsie. silly tyler.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Elephant Tangent '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: so, what elephants have the biggest ears? the indian elephant,..
:Tyler says: or you?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: have you ever seen ’reservoir dogs’ tyler?
:Tyler says: you’re going to cut my ear off?
:Monigue says: could be tyler. could be.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: imagine an elephant version of reservoir dogs.
:Monigue says: wow! you’d need, like, a chain saw.
:Tyler says: yeah, one that could be operated without thumbs.
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Handy Tips for Swatting Flies '
written by
Goatlord
handy tip #407
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
when using hand tools of any variety (esp. hammers), put said tools down before any attempt at swatting.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: uh..tyler, are you ok?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Turderific '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: guess what all the cool kids are drinking these days?
:Monigue says: i don’t care.
:Tyler says: jagermeister. that stuff is soo cool, you can’t be cool unless you’re drinking... jagermeister.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: with all the advertisments, competitions and pub sluts, it is no wonder that jagermeister is the essence of cool.
:Monigue says: prithee mr cool, may i assume you have purchased a quantity of this wondrous beverage?
:Tyler says: i’m drinking it right now, mmmm mmm, yeah baby!
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: frankly, i fail to see how my vast repository of cool could possibly grow by me drinking the fetid concentrate of warthog diarrhoea.
:Monigue says: i’m afraid your coolness quotient has dropped below any quatifiable means.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hotter than the Sun '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i thought i asked you to stop using my invisibility potion? it doesn’t grow on trees you know. well ok, it does grow on trees but it’s really hard to find, seeing as you can’t see it, see?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: well?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: i’m in the other room, moron.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' James Bondage '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: cool gadgets, fast cars, hot women? james bond really is the complete male fantasy.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: of course the best bit is that whenever he has a one night stand someone creeps in, under the cover of darkness and murders the girl before things get awkward.
:Monigue says: that’s very cynical tyler.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hey! say what you want, i’ve never seen a scene where james bond leans over then whispers in her ear,..
:Tyler says: soo, ah,.. this has been great,... um,.. should i call you a cab?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Who Knows '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: you’re not psychic, are you?
:Monigue says: no, i’m not.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: good.
:Monigue says: don’t even think about it.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: you said you weren’t psychic!
:Monigue says: i’m not psychic. you’re just predictable.
,Tyler angry.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Eat my Eva '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i understand that ’normal’ is a relative term but your family gatherings are just... so... completely... fucked!
:Tyler says: that’s a fair comment. i must say that when i was a young lad, i would dream that my midget, trapeeze artist, biological parents would whisk me away one day to a life of high flying adventure in the circus.
:Monigue says: i wish.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: your cousin will has changed though. i remembered him as being...
:Tyler says: hippie scum?
:Monigue says: i was going to say, a bit alternative but yes, hippie scum would be more accurate.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: yeah, his new girlfriend is heavily into anime. my aunt calls it his, "chubby, junkfood eating, robot phase." i always liked her.
:Monigue says: i guess that explains the hair.
:Tyler says: oh no, they’re just freaks.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Rascal Dog '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: your stupid dog snatched the meat off the bench today.
:Tyler says: oh stuart, you rascally canine.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: at any rate, we’re having stu for dinner.
:Tyler says: that’s fine. i quite like stew.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: wait,..
:Tyler says: what?
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Suck the Hookah '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: that teacher friend of yours is an absolute riot. wow, can that man tell a joke! there was this one, a right corker..
:Monigue says: yes, dylan has managed to be the life of any party for as long as i’ve known him but tyler dear, how many times do we have to go through this? you. can’t. tell. jokes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: nah, this one is sheer brilliance. i can’t go wrong.

what’s better than doing the horizontal folk dance with a 16 year old schoolgirl?
:Tyler says: ...nothing!

ha, fantastic. you know it’s funny, because it’s...
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: the pain!
:Monigue says from offstage: hi, therese? your daughter is in dylan’s class this year right? yeah, about that...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Morning Meeting '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: oh shit! my alarm didn’t go off. oh god, i’m late!
:Tyler says: sorry. must have bumped it last night.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ahh! you bastard, i had a morning meeting with--
:Tyler says: with brad pitt. yes, you told me many, many times last night.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Another Mother-in-Law Joke '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: ... so i said, "get off my lawn, you old hag, or i’m calling the cops!"
:Monigue says: hahahahaha!
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: you thought that was funny?
:Monigue says: well, of course. it was a joke...right?
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: uh. on a completely unrelated note, there was a call from your mother. she needs bail money.
:Monigue says: i’d kill you now, but she’s going to want that pleasure when she gets out.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Text Messages I Have Received '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: beware the lord of the fluorescent monkey penis!
:Tyler says: are you drunk????
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: i’m having a weekend get together, can i borrow all your buffy and angel dvds?
:Tyler says: lillee is here, 7lb 2oz.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: can you bring a nutcracker?
:Monigue says: i .will freeze your chickens :-(
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Betty or Veronica? '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: zoe or kaylee?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: kaylee or river?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: buffy or willow?
:Monigue says: it’s just not fair!
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Vows '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i sometimes think back to what the priest said, the day we were married.
:Monigue says: priest? you mean that guy dressed as elvis?
:Tyler says: oh he was a priest, i’m just not sure from which church.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: at any rate, most of it’s foggy but i remember these words like they were spoken yesterday.
:Tyler says: "death do us part"
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: roll on, reaper.
:Tyler says: amen to that.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Exs '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: who was your most memorable ex-girlfriend?
:Tyler says: well,.. there was this italian girl with bad vision and disposable contacts.
:Monigue says: what was so memorable about her?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: she wore glasses all the time.
:Tyler says: scary, scary girl,..

what about you?
:Monigue says: there was this one guy who was scottish.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: were you with him long?
:Monigue says: nah, it was just a highland fling.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tivo '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: we need tivo.
:Monigue says: why?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: it makes suggestions for shows based on what you like. tivo figures out what kind of person you are.
:Monigue says: we already know what kind of "person" you are.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was hoping it could tell us what manner of demonspawn you are, o’ watcher of reality shows.
:Monigue says: one with good taste, o’ watcher of pro wrestling.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saving Ryan’s Privates '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: care to explain why the tivo is full of pay-per-view porn set in world war two?
:Tyler says: i could take a guess...
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: last week, you recorded saving private ryan.
:Monigue says: and you recorded showgirls. twice.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tivo is Faaabulous '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: what happened to the tivo, darling?
:Tyler says: i reset it, and recorded hours and hours of will & grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. so i tossed it.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: um, why?
:Tyler says: i read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no such luck for you, butch.
:Tyler says: curse my heterosexuality.
:Monigue says: indeed.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Go Forth and Multiply! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
:Monigue says: eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
,Tyler angry.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: sheep herding, felafel rapist!
:Monigue says: holy shit! are you as turned on as i am? last one upstairs felches first.
,Tyler angry.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: hey no fair!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Like Traffic Lights '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so...you wanted to be gay?
:Tyler says: maybe.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: but, you like girls.
:Tyler says: relative to what?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Born to be Kings '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! american idol. there can be only one. who will it be?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: the one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
television blares! charlie’s angels. there can be only three.
:Monigue says: no, tyler.
:Tyler says: oh c’mon! they’re gagging for it.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Other, Other White Meat '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: we’re having people for dinner next saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
:Tyler says: again?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: we only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
:Tyler says: there’s the hamster thing.
:Monigue says: yes, there is the hamster thing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: can we at least stay away from the jones family. i’ve had mrs jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. i’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
:Monigue says: ok then, how about the pavarottis? they’ve just emigrated from italy.
:Tyler says: hmmm...it has been a while since we’ve had some good italian.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
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