i think my camera might be broken.
oh, wait. that’s right. you’re just really ugly.
,..and then she told marci that the baby wasn’t his and sue marched around there and she said that she wasn’t going to stand for any more of it and then jack (you remember jack?) he said the he,... he,.. *yawn*
with monique dosed up on rohypnol i’ve got the chance to enjoy some peace and quiet.
hmm, i must be getting old. i remember a time when,...
so? did you get to cast tim robbins for the part of ’robert langdon’ in the film version of ’the da vinci code’?
your favorite book? your favorite actor? why what a precious gift that would be from me to you. actually we got ’tom hanks’ to play the role.
yes, i really hate you that much.
frozen urine can kill you.
orange urine may, yes.
doubtful as red lizards.
idiot nose goblin.
oh, my back. oh, i need a back rub!
oh for the love of,... fine i’ll go get some massage oil.
it’s times like these that i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
tiny vestigal arms. can’t give back rubs.
plus the whole, biting me in half if i give you any lip.
i wish, i wish i was a tyrannosaurus rex.
do you think my appearance could benefit from cosmetic surgery?
that depends. do you mean that you’d have your thighs done?
or that everyone else would have their eyelids sewn shut?
i was thinking of doing a tafe course in hairdressing but check this out. snake charming!
well for you they’re one and the same aren’t they?
and then she turned him to stone.
do you believe in angels?
no, i really don’t.
then the kitchen is on fire.
my steak!! it’s ruined!!
i believe in angels.
big things are coming for you, eh?
chinese new year.
year of the cock!
shh, listen closely. that’s the sound of no-one laughing.
have you ever eaten goat?
with or without horns?
what’s eating you?
you look flustered, you haven’t actually been running have you?
quickly, close the blinds! i hear footsteps, do you hear footsteps?
they switched your decaf at work again huh?
it was awful, i was out the back but i could distinctly hear the guy ask for a ’phased plasma rifle in the 40 watt range’ so i hightailed it out of there.
i’m going to hide under the bed now. if anyone comes to the door, your name is ’sarah’
just what is paul robinson up to on the latest episode of super celebrity porn neighbours?
all men are evil.
women are tools of satan.
kitties are nice though.
i met a beautiful woman today who offered me one million dollars for one night with my husband.
...so i shot her with my taser and had her taken away to the loony bin.
cling wrap over the toilet, tyler?
it’s the classics that are the best. happy valentine’s day.
you’re thinking of april fool’s day.
i always get those confused,..
i wonder why.
hello, welcome to pizza hut. i’m annie, a robot that can understand english to make it easier for you to order. where would you like to pick up from?
you have selected,.. ’warrick’. is this correct?
you have selected ’no’. where would you like to pickup from?
oh for the love of,.. wishart!
you have selected ’active warhead’. is this correct?
god damn,... waste of,... stupid,.!!!!
you have selected ’yes’.
i was thinking of buying myself a mini.
yeah! sure! go ahead!
i love those skirts.
i thought i’d have to convince him to let me buy a new car.
says here that michael jackson checked into a hospital yesterday.
does it say why?
they’re calling it a "flu-like illness."
oh, i see. i don’t suppose this means they’ll be putting his trial on hold?
guess so. say, i’m not feeling so well myself.
you’re not getting out of tantric sex night that easily.
no, really, i think i’m going to vomit.
i’ve been wondering.are we australian, or are we american?
sorry, i was thinking about mel gibson.
why are you so chipper this morning?
admit it. last night, you made sounds you’ve never made before.
that you’ve heard, anyway.
you know i’ve,.. stopped wearing underwear.
yes, i realised that.
that’s why i’ve started wearing double.
’twas the nght before christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring,
except for the angry wife stalking her husband with a shiny new axe after discovering her moisturiser had been replaced with...something else.
ow...honey i’m home!
he slurs drunkenly after staggering through the screen door...at 6am no less.
sweety, i can explain. i was out drinking with the boys when i met this hot chick and well, one thing led to another and we ended up going at it hammer and tong all night. i’m really sorry.
right...and my uncle noel doesn’t have carnal knowledge of animals. what really happened?
ok, ok. i was out drinking with the boys and after we got chucked out at closing time, they thought it would be a good idea to duct tape me to the nearest roundabout....again.
oh tyler, you could have at least put on clean underwear before you left yesterday.
i need a better hiding place for my invisibility potion don’t i?
what’s that smell?
you wanted me to burn you some madonna cds.
the cd writer makes that smell?
my madonna cds!!!!
whoopsie. silly tyler.
so, what elephants have the biggest ears? the indian elephant,..
have you ever seen ’reservoir dogs’ tyler?
you’re going to cut my ear off?
could be tyler. could be.
imagine an elephant version of reservoir dogs.
wow! you’d need, like, a chain saw.
yeah, one that could be operated without thumbs.
handy tip #407
when using hand tools of any variety (esp. hammers), put said tools down before any attempt at swatting.
uh..tyler, are you ok?
guess what all the cool kids are drinking these days?
i don’t care.
jagermeister. that stuff is soo cool, you can’t be cool unless you’re drinking... jagermeister.
with all the advertisments, competitions and pub sluts, it is no wonder that jagermeister is the essence of cool.
prithee mr cool, may i assume you have purchased a quantity of this wondrous beverage?
i’m drinking it right now, mmmm mmm, yeah baby!
frankly, i fail to see how my vast repository of cool could possibly grow by me drinking the fetid concentrate of warthog diarrhoea.
i’m afraid your coolness quotient has dropped below any quatifiable means.
i thought i asked you to stop using my invisibility potion? it doesn’t grow on trees you know. well ok, it does grow on trees but it’s really hard to find, seeing as you can’t see it, see?
i’m in the other room, moron.
cool gadgets, fast cars, hot women? james bond really is the complete male fantasy.
of course the best bit is that whenever he has a one night stand someone creeps in, under the cover of darkness and murders the girl before things get awkward.
that’s very cynical tyler.
hey! say what you want, i’ve never seen a scene where james bond leans over then whispers in her ear,..
soo, ah,.. this has been great,... um,.. should i call you a cab?
you’re not psychic, are you?
no, i’m not.
don’t even think about it.
you said you weren’t psychic!
i’m not psychic. you’re just predictable.
i understand that ’normal’ is a relative term but your family gatherings are just... so... completely... fucked!
that’s a fair comment. i must say that when i was a young lad, i would dream that my midget, trapeeze artist, biological parents would whisk me away one day to a life of high flying adventure in the circus.
your cousin will has changed though. i remembered him as being...
i was going to say, a bit alternative but yes, hippie scum would be more accurate.
yeah, his new girlfriend is heavily into anime. my aunt calls it his, "chubby, junkfood eating, robot phase." i always liked her.
i guess that explains the hair.
oh no, they’re just freaks.
your stupid dog snatched the meat off the bench today.
oh stuart, you rascally canine.
at any rate, we’re having stu for dinner.
that’s fine. i quite like stew.
that teacher friend of yours is an absolute riot. wow, can that man tell a joke! there was this one, a right corker..
yes, dylan has managed to be the life of any party for as long as i’ve known him but tyler dear, how many times do we have to go through this? you. can’t. tell. jokes.
nah, this one is sheer brilliance. i can’t go wrong.
what’s better than doing the horizontal folk dance with a 16 year old schoolgirl?
ha, fantastic. you know it’s funny, because it’s...
hi, therese? your daughter is in dylan’s class this year right? yeah, about that...
oh shit! my alarm didn’t go off. oh god, i’m late!
sorry. must have bumped it last night.
ahh! you bastard, i had a morning meeting with--
with brad pitt. yes, you told me many, many times last night.
... so i said, "get off my lawn, you old hag, or i’m calling the cops!"
you thought that was funny?
well, of course. it was a joke...right?
uh. on a completely unrelated note, there was a call from your mother. she needs bail money.
i’d kill you now, but she’s going to want that pleasure when she gets out.
beware the lord of the fluorescent monkey penis!
are you drunk????
i’m having a weekend get together, can i borrow all your buffy and angel dvds?
lillee is here, 7lb 2oz.
can you bring a nutcracker?
i .will freeze your chickens :-(
zoe or kaylee?
kaylee or river?
buffy or willow?
it’s just not fair!
i sometimes think back to what the priest said, the day we were married.
priest? you mean that guy dressed as elvis?
oh he was a priest, i’m just not sure from which church.
at any rate, most of it’s foggy but i remember these words like they were spoken yesterday.
"death do us part"
roll on, reaper.
amen to that.
who was your most memorable ex-girlfriend?
well,.. there was this italian girl with bad vision and disposable contacts.
what was so memorable about her?
she wore glasses all the time.
scary, scary girl,..
what about you?
there was this one guy who was scottish.
were you with him long?
nah, it was just a highland fling.
we need tivo.
it makes suggestions for shows based on what you like. tivo figures out what kind of person you are.
we already know what kind of "person" you are.
i was hoping it could tell us what manner of demonspawn you are, o’ watcher of reality shows.
one with good taste, o’ watcher of pro wrestling.
care to explain why the tivo is full of pay-per-view porn set in world war two?
i could take a guess...
last week, you recorded saving private ryan.
and you recorded showgirls. twice.
what happened to the tivo, darling?
i reset it, and recorded hours and hours of will & grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. so i tossed it.
i read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
no such luck for you, butch.
curse my heterosexuality.
you filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
sheep herding, felafel rapist!
holy shit! are you as turned on as i am? last one upstairs felches first.
hey no fair!
so...you wanted to be gay?
but, you like girls.
relative to what?
american idol. there can be only one. who will it be?
the one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
charlie’s angels. there can be only three.
oh c’mon! they’re gagging for it.
we’re having people for dinner next saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
we only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
there’s the hamster thing.
yes, there is the hamster thing.
can we at least stay away from the jones family. i’ve had mrs jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. i’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
ok then, how about the pavarottis? they’ve just emigrated from italy.
hmmm...it has been a while since we’ve had some good italian.
i like to think of myself as a love maker of olympic standard.
what? like a relay runner?
well, the bit where you perform is when you grab your shaft,..
..and only one person finishes, yes, i’d agree with that.
although i think of you more like the luge.
the luge athletes?
actually i meant the course.
a dog flew passed my window today.
a dog flew passed your window?
yes, i was amazed, the physical effects department have never gotten one higher than the eighth floor on a first attempt before.
hmmm, weighing the pros and cons of the situation, ah stuff it. just what the purple, monkey, dishwasher are you talking about?
it’s all for the latest high profile movie, "my nose smells like a geranium mummy."
the year is 7429, geranium mummies have taken control of the earth, their one weakness, high speed canine. it’s a story about a handfull of courageous mutant bovine/donkey/men, their trusty catapults and an overwhelming supply of dogs for ammunition. brad pitt is going to voice for the dogs.
y’know, i’d actually pay to see that.
you and a billion other morons. god, i love this business.
"babies are the nicest way of all to start making people." apparently. so, my mother still wants to know when we are having kids.
she wants mutant grandspawn?! it’s too late anyway, i had the operation done.
what? when was this? why didn’t you consult me or perhaps my mother, about it? can you at least sit down when i’m talking at...are you skipping?
i only said i had the operation done, i didn’t specify to whom said operation was performed on. remember that time you woke up in a bathtub full of ice?
those had better not be my fallopian tubes you’re jumping rope with!
i’m a little duch girl dressed in blue. these are the things i like to do...
ah, harken to thee my muse. my beloved. fragrant blossom unto whom the earth itself does turn. i must away, but i shall return and lavish thee with delights.
pray i delight in rekindling our tryst. let me pamper you like the angel that you are.
i know. that’s the point.
you know nothing pile of tapir waste.
my god! they’re everywhere! when was the last time you were in here?!
oh, it’s been at least a week, i guess. why?
ants! a disgustingly large, infestation of ants!
i hear you can get a topical cream for that these days.
a large porn conglomerate in europe has snaffled up a medical cable channel in the us. they plan to introduce a programme dedicated to the therapeutic benefits of "fisting."
*cough* *splutter* the therapeutic benefits of...how the hell do they think they’re going to do that?!
one inch at a time. one inch, at a time.
dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
the traditional setup
will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
the traditional punchline
of course i do dear.
tyler’s actual answer
don’t be retarded you slack mole.
so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
not as good as he says he is, huh?
hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
it wasn’t a hooker!
i didn’t say it was...
oh. good! nevermind then.
you hired a hooker?
nah. it’s just porn.
so we still have to have sex?
this place is so dusty.
then maybe you should do some dusting.
i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
a chick’s job?
yeah. hey, where are you going?
to get a broom.
you better start running.
i’m reading an article about birdlife.
i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
i would not say such things if i were you.
why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
what were we talking about?
i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
*uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
i was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and i came across a box of your old uni stuff. does "analien: in space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?
why whatever do you mean?
i mean, why do you have a vhs tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?
it was a gift from friends, i’ve never actually watched it.
i’m not worried about your sexuality tyler. it’s just that when i saw the title and the signatures of all the cast and the personal message, "to our bestest grease boy ever." i thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?
it’s not something i’m ashamed of. while you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, i was able to pay my university fees upfront. it may not have paid as much as a fluffer but i was working an honest job for honest...
...hard core, gay porn. you haven’t answered my question senator.
no i haven’t, have i.
why is it that you get to hit me but i don’t get to hit you?
because i’m a girl.
remember lorena bobbitt?
take it. it’s not like i enjoy using my penis any more.
and you already sit down to pee.
so, what are you reading about?
wait, feminists are angry? what do they have to be angry about?
female circumcision for one.
i don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.
you’re not helping.
i will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.
do you even know what "bling bling" is?
sure i do.
a fiddy cent ringtone for my cell phone?
you go now.
i had to go into town to, do something, i think. the place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?
relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. some people like to express themselves with costume.
you can stop with the cookie monster impressions, it can’t have been that bad.
are you kidding?! the overstretched spandex, the bad wigs, the disfiguring acne.
the well rounded tights, the thigh hugging boots, oh yeah, the...
...deep impression of my forehead in the table, ow!
actually, that worked. thanks, i think.
you realise that you’re one of the biggest fanboys i know.
i am nothing like those people.
you picked a napkin out of the bin because you thought sarah michelle gellar may have used it. fanboy.
as stunning as this repartee is, you’d probably like it at the expo. there will be lots of buffy merchandise to paw through and i’m pretty sure i heard that joss whedon’s signature will be making a special appearance.
peace at last. if he comes back with any of those evangelion dollies however...
that was great! most of those costumed freaks were really nice, i hardly wanted to punch any of them in the face. there were a lot of non-costumed people like me there too, who would have thought?
ah me, how time flies.
i picked up some "crumpleton experiment" and a "phatsville comix." a little, hyperactive young lad even wanted to sell me his love. i got to see jake the muss, very cool. i had no idea "once were warriors" was still so popular, and...
..this one time, at band camp.
anyway, i’m going back tomorrow, you should come too.
i don’t fucking think so.
what are you so happy about? and where did you go last night?
i was bored, so i did what i usually do. i wandered up and down the aisles at the hardware store.
and did it relieve your boredom?
inspiration struck when i found that the plungers were stored next to the super glue.
and in news today,..
shh! this’ll be it.
oh lord no.
if you’re going to read comic books behind there, you could at least turn the newspaper the right way up.
hey? oh, right.
much. what are you reading anyway?
"groovy gravy" surprisingly, it’s not crap.
more in-jokes? when will you learn?
y’know, the average human body contains 5.7 litres of blood.
random fact spouting, this is new. what book did you get this tidbit from pray?
you used the last of the milk.
actually i tipped out what was left of what i replaced the milk with last week.
you are chipper
oh! well, i figured out the solution to a problem that has been bothering me.
what was the solution?
what was the problem?
it’s probably best you don’t ask.
you work in the movie business, right?
yeah, well y’know when you need animals on set, they have to come with trainers or "wranglers?"
if you needed a bunch of roosters for a scene would the trainer be called a, "cock wrangler?"
i don’t know, grease boy, you tell me.
well, i’m going to go to the computer store.
can i fondle your breasts?
fondle your own.
well...i guess they are of a similar size.
you know your friend alex?
the quantum theorist?
that’s the one.
sometimes he’s a really pleasant chap,..
but sometimes he comes across as a power hungry machivalian arse-clown.
you’ve known this quantum theorist longer. which is he?
i’m an emotional rag. the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is released this thursday. i’ve been waiting for this film for so long. my expectations don’t know what to do.
i’m so scared that they’ll be too high, and i’ll be let down by the film, but,..
then i think that i’ll hate it because my expectations are so high,..
but then my expectations to hate it will mean that i’ll be pleasantly surprised when i actually see it,..
so now i’m looking forward to it again,.. so my expectations are high,..
i hear it’s pretty good.
i’m not wearing any pants.
good thing i superglued your ass to that chair then.
ah. so you did. and not just my ass, it appears.
i’m off to the mall! there’s a sale on shoes.
bugger. stupid glue.
if only i were more flexible.
it’s about time you got home! there seems to have been some glue on the table...
um, look señor, i don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing here but you’ve got to help me man.
¿usted está bien, hombre?
i need some solvent. metho, vodka, anything.
mi amigo, los genitales son vinculados muy a esa silla
bien, yo no soy interesado en actos sexuales extraños, yo ahora saldré con esta máquina de dvd.
please,.. you’ve got to,.. hey! are you stealing my dvd player?
bueno adiós, hombre
apparently, my boss is getting some serious grief from a rival "gun shop." he’s given all employees some special, "home protection."
a gun! you’ve brought a firearm into this house?!
it’s ok monique, i’ll have it on me at all times. see, it’s tucked into my pan...
careful there tyler, you don’t want to go off half-cocked.
i can’t believe i’m so disappointed with the hitchhiker’s movie. the editing was,.. was,..
you really had a lot resting on that movie didn’t you? i almost feel bad for my part in the selection of the editor.
you chose the editor?
’chose’ is probably the wrong word for a process involving tequila and a blindfold.
well, i’m off fishing.
aren’t you a bit optimistic using those over-sized hooks?
i just like a situation where those with the biggest mouths are punished.
what the hell is that supposed to mean?
whoops! gotta go.
wasn’t ’eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ wonderful and romantic?
it just prompted such intriguing questions.
erasing memories. what a strange notion.
hey tyler, what memories would you have deleted?
this conversation would make a nice start.
whoa! déjà vu!
you prick! you think it’s funny to replace my bathroom mirror with an aquarium containing a dugong?
not as funny as the fact that it’s been there two days already.
fuck you, tyler.
ancient sailors mistook them for mermaids.
big fat hairy mermaids.
did you just say ’nothing’?
i didn’t say anything.
no, did you just say,. ’nothing’?
the word ’nothing’?
no damnit!! did you speak, but not say anything at all?
start making sense baldy or i’m packing you off to a home.
have the baskervilles moved in next door?
i don’t believe so.
well, i just...ah, i don’t suppose you know anything about the large, glowing canine next door?
it’s funny you should mention that monique. when i was a young lad, my friend and i would delight in painting the neighbourhood pets all the colours of the rainbow.
these days, however, i have many more years under the belt, a bigger bank account and access to a disgustingly large hardware store where i may purchase fluorescent spray paint and uv light globes to suit street lamps. the revolution starts here, baby!
that’s really quite inventive tyler, but...
i’m just trying to get past the fact you had a friend when you were young.
i did give him half my pocket money every week.
you know how you said it was a mistake to plant a genetically modified herb garden?
if i remember correctly, i told you that it was ’screwing with the laws of nature’.
i hate to say this, but i think you might have been right.
well well well, so mister infallible has an archillies heel. so what brings this bout of ecological gallantry?
maybe you should ask it.
,..then i’ve got an appointment at the solarium, then it’s off to the beauty parlor for a skin peel.
point one, that’s the most retarded waste of time i’ve ever heard of.
point two. what the hell are you trying to do recapture your youth? it’s not like you were that pretty then either.
at least i don’t try to recapture someone else’s youth.
good god! you let him go? i told you that o’donnally woman wasn’t getting her son back until she cleaned up her footpath!!
three words tyler.
crime. against. humanity.
you’ll make us look soft. now, where did i put my taser.
yeah, why are you so surprised?
oh, no reason. so how was your boogy-boarding holiday to indonesia?
good, except my boogy board got mixed up with someone else’s on the trip. i seem to have someone’s called ’schapelle corby’.
so, what’s in the news back here in australia?
oh, nothing,... nothing at all.
well, why don’t you go into the garage and put the car back together.
,.. the car,... back,...
son of a,...
i get bored too.
what the hell are you talking about?
i travelled back from the future.
what? how far?
about 45 seconds.
you’re an idiot!
that’s what you said last time. well, i’m off. seeya later,.. i mean,.. earlier.
i ran into justin and louise today. they asked how you were and wanted to know if we would be interested in going to a bbq some time. i told them it was a good idea and suggested that they should invite andrew and cheryl, zoe and ash and john and leeanne. zoe’s little girl just had her first birthday.
hmmm...bbq, sounds good. it makes you wonder though.
bbq’s make you wonder?
no, bbq’s make me hungry. i was speaking of our individuality, no, that’s not quite right. it’s just, our friends know us as tylerandmonique, as we know them as justinandlouise or zoeandashley. i was curious as to when we stopped being just tyler and just monique.
i’m pretty sure i remember the day, i believe an impressive clergyman was involved. did you believe you were ever just tyler?
i guess so.
i must say, i feel a little better about myself.
it’s been so hard, living day in and day out surrounded by complete and utter morons. to know that every person i would meet was simply just not as good as i, was really quite upsetting.
then i locked my keys in the car.
are you going to see the doctor about your back today?
no, i’ll be fine. i can sort of walk now. i was talking to my sister earlier and she suggested i take some nurofen... before i go to the doctor.
fine, it’s your back. if you don’t want to listen to either of us, that’s your lookout. just be careful with the nurofen, it’s strong stuff.
i can read monique. the label suggests to take no less than 4 tablets, 6 times a day.
you’re using a definition of "read" that i have been previously unaware of aren’t you?
idiot. "1 every 4 hours. no more than 6 per day." how many did you take?
i took floaty many. why does the newspaper taste like snozberry?