Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Message '
written by
Dan
ring ring *click*
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,..
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! sucking my very life blood away
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! tyler? what are you doing?
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! just checking the phone message hon
*beeep*
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stumpy Bear Rides Again '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: we’re making dartboards in anger management class.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Period Film '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: would you like to watch a generic period film?
:Tyler says: oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: you have no heart.
:Tyler says: i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake.
:Monigue says: i wish i could drop you into a hole.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ignore '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Plants '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: my herb garden isn’t doing very well.
:Monigue says: they say that plants benefit from being talked to.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' When I Eats Me Spinach '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: hi.
:Monigue says: umm...hello.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.
:Monigue says: i did. what makes you think she hasn’t?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.
:Monigue says: that would explain the loud thud we heard last night.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Was Your Father a Glazier? '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: so...how’s the invisibility potion then?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Clumps of Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning?
:Tyler says: it just means i’m more manly.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will.
:Tyler says: if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
a few predictable days later.
:Tyler says from offstage: oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!!
aiiiiiiiiiiy!!!!!
:Monigue says: so manly.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Without a Parachute '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.
:Monigue says: dear god tyler! he was your best friend.
:Tyler says: i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: he introduced us.
:Monigue says: oh...that’s right...fucker.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I see Donkeys! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: do you believe in ghosts?
:Tyler says: do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?
:Tyler says: you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah!
,Tyler angry.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.
:Tyler says from offstage: my dog has no nose!
:Monigue says: beware!
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: man this shit be good...i see donkeys!
:Monigue says: right, not going mad.
:Tyler says from offstage: the pain!!!!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pilot License '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.
:Monigue says from offstage: you want to fly an airplane?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i can probably organise a canon.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Do you see what I see? '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: did you keep your optometrist appointment today?
:Tyler says: optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.
:Monigue says: did she now?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.
:Monigue says: you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thinking '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: what are you thinking about?
:Tyler says: what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?
:Monigue says: yes, i really would.
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well,..
:Tyler says: if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray?
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
and she never asked that question again and they were both happy.
,Tyler silent.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' And this little pig '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: it was delicious.
:Monigue says: oh god, i wish work started earlier.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Irony '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.
:Monigue says: actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: gee, thanks for that.
:Monigue says: any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?
:Tyler says: um, yes. just give me to time to put the question.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Almonds '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: mmm, tasty coffee.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: did you know that cyanide tastes like almonds?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: *bleuch!*
:Monigue says: of course, almonds taste like almonds also.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Aerial Intercourse '
written by
Goatlord
the biggest australian dramas of ’05!
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
who will live? who will be horribly disfigured in a low budget makeover show?
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: who gives a flying..
:Monigue says: tyler!
:Tyler says: whatever.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hail to the King, baby! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: ’the o.c.’ was billed as channel 10’s "guilty pleasure." now channel 7 are advertising their new "show" ’desperate housewives’ as "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure." it’s disgustingly childish.
:Tyler says: perhaps channel 9 can go with, "the biggest, must see, guilty pleasure that no parent can afford to miss" for csi:ny.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: not funny but i wouldn’t bet against it.
:Tyler says: ok then, what did elvis like to use as a tv remote?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: a colt .45 automatic. oh yeah, the king of comedy, uh-huh. thankyouverymuch.
:Monigue says: ahhh, goforthandmultiply.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sand Garden 2 '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: for the last time, go and rake the friggin’ sand garden.
:Tyler says: fine!
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: *gnnt*,.. *gasp*,.. for the love of,.. *hnnt*,... stupid,..
:Tyler says from offstage: crap! *hnnt*,... bugger!!,...
:Tyler says from offstage: *clank*,... piss!!!,...
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: dog biting,... *grunt*,.. chalk biter,.. towel sucking!!!,..
:Tyler says from offstage: *clunk* piss wanker!!,.. *shoove* cock goblins!!!
:Monigue says: zen, tyler. zen.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fun with words '
written by
Dan
innocent naivety
:Monigue says: where pants?!!
:Tyler says: there’re pants?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
resignation
:Monigue says: wear pants!
:Tyler says: here! pants!
,Tyler angry.,Monique angry.
full moon
:Tyler says: were-pants!!
:Monigue says: hear pants?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique guilty.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' La la la la la la la '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: when i was a younger man, i thought joely richardson was the hottest woman alive, only because i thought emma thompson was too old for me.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: thinking out loud again was i? right...i’ll be in my bunk.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: la la la la la la la
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Getting it up '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: well, last night was a bit of waste of effort. what with you not being able to get it up
:Monigue says: *hee hee hee*
,Tyler silent.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: well, at least you know for sure that i wasn’t fantasizing about anyone else.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: *hee hee hee*
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' ...and where, is the Stumpy Bear? '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: the annual work hunting trip is coming up and because you always complain about the cold weather, i bought you a new jacket.
:Monigue says: i’d rather not go.
:Tyler says: as would i but the people i work for are scary and i don’t want to do anything that could damage their fragile psyche. why don’t you go try it on?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says from offstage: wow...i don’t believe i’ve ever said this before but it’s huge.
:Tyler says: yes, quite. the sales assistant said it would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees kelvin so i asked her if the stripy one would keep you alive in temperatures as low as 53 degrees hobbes....
:Monigue says from offstage: very good dear, just one question.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: why does the hood have it’s very own set of antlers?
:Tyler says: it’s aaah, a theme weekend.
:Monigue says from offstage: well, then you won’t mind wearing that lovely vest mother bought you for christmas, the one with the large bullseye on the back.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Gullible’s Travels '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: god, spare me.
:Tyler says: why? i mean...huh?
:Monigue says: there is going to be a ’buffy’ and ’firefly’ crossover movie. there will be no ’angel’ involvement due to, and i quote, "the wb are being ghey."
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: ohmygodthatissocool ican’twait oooomaybewe’llseesome kayleeandwillowaction ohyeah thatwouldbesooogood...
:Monigue says: llllloser.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Alien Saucer '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: have you ever been abducted by an alien saucer?
:Monigue says: wha,.. what??
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: what the hell kind of question is that?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s just that, if you were, i think they may have forgotten to remove the probe.
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Overseas '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: well, what do you want me to do?
:Monigue says: maybe you can actually spend some money and take me on an overseas trip.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well actually, you know the eiffel tower?
:Monigue says: *gasp* yes! of course!
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: sit on it!
:Monigue says: nice
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Maps '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: two friggin’ hours late!!
:Monigue says: don’t blame me. you were the one who wouldn’t stop for directions.
:Tyler says: you were supposed to be reading the map.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: women aren’t inclined to reading maps, we’re more adapt at emotional problems.
:Tyler says: well, that just goes to show how very woeful women are at doing anything important.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: i don’t need a map to tell you where to go this time tyler.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Camera '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i think my camera might be broken.
:Tyler says: mmm?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: oh, wait. that’s right. you’re just really ugly.
:Tyler says: mmm.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hey!
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sleep '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ,..and then she told marci that the baby wasn’t his and sue marched around there and she said that she wasn’t going to stand for any more of it and then jack (you remember jack?) he said the he,... he,.. *yawn*
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
thud!
:Monigue says: zzzzzzz
,Tyler news.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: with monique dosed up on rohypnol i’ve got the chance to enjoy some peace and quiet.
:Monigue says: zzzzzzz
:Tyler says: hmm, i must be getting old. i remember a time when,...
,Tyler coffee.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Da Vinci '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: so? did you get to cast tim robbins for the part of ’robert langdon’ in the film version of ’the da vinci code’?
:Monigue says: your favorite book? your favorite actor? why what a precious gift that would be from me to you. actually we got ’tom hanks’ to play the role.
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: yes, i really hate you that much.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
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