 would you please cook dinner tonight?meh!  | oh, i could make a curry.lord no! the last time i ate your curry i passed out from the heat.  | it was a korma!it’s pronounced,.. ’coma’!  |
| would you please cook dinner tonight?meh! | oh, i could make a curry.lord no! the last time i ate your curry i passed out from the heat. | it was a korma!it’s pronounced,.. ’coma’! |
*grunt*...jesus fuck my nose!  | tyler dear, we’re getting a bit of a line up out here.well learn to cook woman! | happy now?i don’t think van gogh could have painted a better bowl. |
tyler and monique are spending christmas at monique’s parents this year.  | | it doesn’t go well. nuff said? |
| you know the best thing about new zealand?the ruminant rumpy-pumpy. | i’m just saying...  | what?! |
| it says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses. | do you dream about murdering me?no.really? | i believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize." |
| the car was making a weird noise. it was a kind of ’squeeeeeeee!’sounds like the fan belt. that shouldn’t be too hard to fix. | actually i don’t think it ’s the fan belt.well the car only makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped. | no, it also makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sound when it slips across the medium strip on it’s roof. |
| you know that silk tie i own?the one with the little camels? yes.hypothetically speaking, if i spilt some grease on it i should be able to soak it out using bleach, right? | god, no! it would strip it of all it’s colour.hmmm,.. you know your white silk dress? | i don’t have a white silk dress. i have a red,.. silk,.. dress,... |
| i slept terribly last night. why can’t you stay on your side of the bed?my side? | fine, whatever! what side is your side of the bed? | the top side. witch! |
settled on your new years resolutions yet?i’ve decided that i am perfectly fine the way i am. |  | i actually sort of like you this way. |
i’m still hung over. you’re hung over? i think i tried to drink the dog. | i believe the expression is "hair of the dog."i know. | ew. |
i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman. what?! | if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.vivid green,..?? | you bastard, that was me.oh, now i really do feel sick. |
| blast! i dropped my pen. | while you’re down there,.. | ow! |
| wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it. | really?oh wait....no, that’s just me. |  |
| so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,...hmm, a slug.hah! yeah, i’d agree with that. | me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world. | salt?you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you? |
| i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden.so i don’t have to mow any more?no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore. | we both win.yes, we both win. | one month later,.. the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao.again?!! |
ring ring *click*  hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,.. | sucking my very life blood away | tyler? what are you doing? just checking the phone message hon *beeep* |
| do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need? | | we’re making dartboards in anger management class. |
| would you like to watch a generic period film?oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness. | what?you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later. | you have no heart.i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake.i wish i could drop you into a hole. |
| it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’. | | |
| my herb garden isn’t doing very well.they say that plants benefit from being talked to. | | alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!! |
| hi.umm...hello. | i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.i did. what makes you think she hasn’t? | well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.that would explain the loud thud we heard last night. |
| | so...how’s the invisibility potion then? |
| would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning?it just means i’m more manly. | if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will.if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest. | a few predictable days later. oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!! aiiiiiiiiiiy!!!!! so manly. |
| i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.dear god tyler! he was your best friend.i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history. | he introduced us.oh...that’s right...fucker. | |
| do you believe in ghosts?do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah! | i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.my dog has no nose!beware! | man this shit be good...i see donkeys!right, not going mad.the pain!!!! |
| i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.you want to fly an airplane? | well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really. | i can probably organise a canon. |
| did you keep your optometrist appointment today?optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.did she now? | of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing? | geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria. |
| what are you thinking about?what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?yes, i really would. | well,..if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray? | and she never asked that question again and they were both happy. |
| when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw. | the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake. | it was delicious.oh god, i wish work started earlier. |
| when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic. | gee, thanks for that.any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call. | now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?um, yes. just give me to time to put the question. |