Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cooking Dinner '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: would you please cook dinner tonight?
:Tyler says: meh!
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: oh, i could make a curry.
:Monigue says: lord no! the last time i ate your curry i passed out from the heat.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: it was a korma!
:Monigue says: it’s pronounced,.. ’coma’!
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arts and crafts '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *grunt*...jesus fuck my nose!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: tyler dear, we’re getting a bit of a line up out here.
:Tyler says from offstage: well learn to cook woman!
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: happy now?
:Tyler says: i don’t think van gogh could have painted a better bowl.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Christmas '
written by
Dan
tyler and monique are spending christmas at monique’s parents this year.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
it doesn’t go well.
nuff said?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The adventures of Stumpy Bear '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you know the best thing about new zealand?
:Tyler says: the ruminant rumpy-pumpy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i’m just saying...
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: what?!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The 1.25L variety '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: it says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: do you dream about murdering me?
:Tyler says: no.
:Monigue says: really?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' SQUEEEEEEE! '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: the car was making a weird noise. it was a kind of ’squeeeeeeee!’
:Tyler says: sounds like the fan belt. that shouldn’t be too hard to fix.
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: actually i don’t think it ’s the fan belt.
:Tyler says: well the car only makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: no, it also makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sound when it slips across the medium strip on it’s roof.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Silk Tie '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know that silk tie i own?
:Monigue says: the one with the little camels? yes.
:Tyler says: hypothetically speaking, if i spilt some grease on it i should be able to soak it out using bleach, right?
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: god, no! it would strip it of all it’s colour.
:Tyler says: hmmm,.. you know your white silk dress?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: i don’t have a white silk dress. i have a red,.. silk,..

dress,...
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Wrong Side of the Bed '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i slept terribly last night. why can’t you stay on your side of the bed?
:Monigue says: my side?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: fine, whatever! what side is your side of the bed?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: the top side.

witch!
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' New Years '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: settled on your new years resolutions yet?
:Monigue says: i’ve decided that i am perfectly fine the way i am.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: i actually sort of like you this way.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Post Holidays '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: i’m still hung over.
:Monigue says: you’re hung over? i think i tried to drink the dog.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: i believe the expression is "hair of the dog."
:Monigue says: i know.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: ew.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Another Woman '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman.
:Monigue says: what?!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt.
:Monigue says: vivid green,..??
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: you bastard, that was me.
:Tyler says: oh, now i really do feel sick.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dropped Pen '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: blast! i dropped my pen.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: while you’re down there,..
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: ow!
,Tyler shock.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Whipping Post '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: really?
:Monigue says: oh wait....no, that’s just me.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Slug '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,...
:Tyler says: hmm, a slug.
:Monigue says: hah! yeah, i’d agree with that.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: salt?
:Tyler says: you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sand Garden '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden.
:Tyler says: so i don’t have to mow any more?
:Monigue says: no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: we both win.
:Monigue says: yes, we both win.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
one month later,..
:Monigue says: the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao.
:Tyler says: again?!!
,Tyler angry.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Message '
written by
Dan
ring ring *click*
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,..
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! sucking my very life blood away
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: phone says! tyler? what are you doing?
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! just checking the phone message hon
*beeep*
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stumpy Bear Rides Again '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: we’re making dartboards in anger management class.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Period Film '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: would you like to watch a generic period film?
:Tyler says: oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: you have no heart.
:Tyler says: i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake.
:Monigue says: i wish i could drop you into a hole.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ignore '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Plants '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: my herb garden isn’t doing very well.
:Monigue says: they say that plants benefit from being talked to.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' When I Eats Me Spinach '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: hi.
:Monigue says: umm...hello.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us.
:Monigue says: i did. what makes you think she hasn’t?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway.
:Monigue says: that would explain the loud thud we heard last night.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Was Your Father a Glazier? '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: so...how’s the invisibility potion then?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Clumps of Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning?
:Tyler says: it just means i’m more manly.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will.
:Tyler says: if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
a few predictable days later.
:Tyler says from offstage: oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!!
aiiiiiiiiiiy!!!!!
:Monigue says: so manly.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Without a Parachute '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement.
:Monigue says: dear god tyler! he was your best friend.
:Tyler says: i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: he introduced us.
:Monigue says: oh...that’s right...fucker.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I see Donkeys! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: do you believe in ghosts?
:Tyler says: do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over?
:Tyler says: you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah!
,Tyler angry.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad.
:Tyler says from offstage: my dog has no nose!
:Monigue says: beware!
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: man this shit be good...i see donkeys!
:Monigue says: right, not going mad.
:Tyler says from offstage: the pain!!!!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pilot License '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’ve been thinking about getting my pilot’s license.
:Monigue says from offstage: you want to fly an airplane?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, any mode of transport that gets me away from you, really.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i can probably organise a canon.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Do you see what I see? '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: did you keep your optometrist appointment today?
:Tyler says: optometrist? why yes i did. he said there was nothing wrong and gave me a lollypop.
:Monigue says: did she now?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: of course, i was a good little boy and all good little boys have to go aaaaand watch the cricket.
:Monigue says: you? cricket? hah! ok mr 20/20, who’s playing?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: geez! if you must know, it is a rather enthralling game between turkmenistan and, ah...austria.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thinking '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: what are you thinking about?
:Tyler says: what? right now? it’s a bit weird. are you sure you want to know?
:Monigue says: yes, i really would.
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well,..
:Tyler says: if you were to cut someone, while they were still alive, from the stomach to the neck, should you cut up or down to avoid arterial spray?
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
and she never asked that question again and they were both happy.
,Tyler silent.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' And this little pig '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: when i was a boy, there was a pig in the village who made a small thatched cottage out of straw.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: the villagers said it was ’bedevilled’ and burnt it at the stake.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: it was delicious.
:Monigue says: oh god, i wish work started earlier.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Irony '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: when i was young, i was addicted to those ’your mamma so fat’ jokes. now i’m married to you i find it quite ironic.
:Monigue says: actually, it wouldn’t be ironic. if your mother was so concerned with your ’addiction’ that she turned to binge eating, that would be ironic.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: gee, thanks for that.
:Monigue says: any time you want me to point out your flaws just give me a call.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: now, is there anything else you’d like to know before i tear you a new anus?
:Tyler says: um, yes. just give me to time to put the question.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
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