how long has it been since you washed your hair?
a couple of months i guess.
yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
which brings me to my next point.
you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
nah, she blew me off.
the saucy minx.
in your dreams, monkey boy.
waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
it’s coffee, cow face.
there’s coffee in my fly?
no, a fly in your coffee.
oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
you know...this coffee tastes weird.
actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
weh ith de mouthwath?!
you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
i wish you were a breatharian.
hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
but i don’t have any porn...in there.
that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
in a dictionary?
no, that’s where i keep the porn.