F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Healthy Hair '

written by

Dan

how long has it been since you washed your hair?

a couple of months i guess.

yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.

unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.

dead?

hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.

honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.

in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.

which brings me to my next point.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Saucy! '

written by

Goatlord

you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?

nah, she blew me off.

the saucy minx.

in your dreams, monkey boy.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Special Java '

written by

Goatlord

waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.

it’s coffee, cow face.

there’s coffee in my fly?

no, a fly in your coffee.

oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.

nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' What’s up, pussy cat? '

written by

Stumpybear

you know...this coffee tastes weird.

actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.

aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!

meeeow!!

aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!

it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Wriggly Wormses '

written by

Stumpybear

that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?

rice? i do believe that it was maggots.

weh ith de mouthwath?!

you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Breathe '

written by

Goatlord

grind

crunch

bang

tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.

it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.

i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.

service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.

i wish you were a breatharian.

F#@$ You, My Darling!

created by Dan Beeston.

' Dicktionary? '

written by

Stumpybear

hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?

yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?

i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.

but i don’t have any porn...in there.

that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.

it’s in a place where i know you would never look.

in a dictionary?

no, that’s where i keep the porn.