problem?

what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!

oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!

oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.

ha! makes sense i guess.

when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."

i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.

they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.

it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.

yes you did.

the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.

except for the fuglies of course.

you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.

stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.

oops.

monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.

what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.

here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.

do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?

are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?

and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.

we’re both so lucky.

*sob*
so,.. very,.. happy!!

a couple of months i guess.

unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.

hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.

honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.

in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.

nah, she blew me off.

the saucy minx.

waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.

there’s coffee in my fly?

oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.

you know...this coffee tastes weird.

actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.

that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?

it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.

service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.

hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?

i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.

that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.

in a dictionary?

is she still out there?

clever.

seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.

are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*

only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!

you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.

mmmm...harry potter.

you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.

i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.

i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?

it has to stop, and it has to stop now.

that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.

i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.

i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.

yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland.

i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.

music?

what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?

oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present.

*whisper* *whisper* *whisper*

monique, noooo!!!

you know, this is all your fault monique.

chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time.

at least until next wednesday.

what the fuck was that?

nah, i just found a cork with a good enough seal.

well, you know that joke rodney rude does? "jeeze mate, that would have lifted a lighter man clear off his seat!"

i thought i’d test the theory out, mythbusters style. oh-oh...here we go.

i’ve been reading the novel ’1984’. it’s so cool. a dangerously beaurocratic future.

war is peace.

ignorance is strength.

i think that the tv show ’big brother’ could gain some inspiration from that book.

imagine that there was no eviction. just one day your roommate was ’vanished’, and never refered to again.

’this is big brother. there never was a sixth roommate. any memory you have of one must be false’

mmm..this licorice is really chewy.

but hard and crunchy on the inside.

aah, refreshing.

cowman 7!
the most rockenest, hippest and coolest band the world is ever likely to see! plus we have the highest content of donkey sauce ever to come out of brisvegas! wanna be my groupie?

really? excellent!

goddamnit!