how do you make a dog meow?
put it in the freezer for three days, pull it out then run it across a band saw.
you thieved that from george smilovici.
it’s called "paying homage" dear. how about this one then, what do dogs say when they spontaneously combust?
you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?
much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.
a week later
it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.
wait a second,...
oh my god! kylie minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
well, she should have kept them out of the sun.
it’s not the first time her breasts have created a blood-fed growth.
...she said what?
"my pet monkey has better handwriting skills than you and he uses his own fecal matter as a medium."
that’s what i thought you said. wow, that’s a little disturbing.
thanks monique, talking to you has really helped.
your handwriting is atrocious, get over it. the bigger picture is eluding you at present, isn’t it?
you want to have a go at my artwork now?
tyler, an old friend of yours has a pet monkey, that she communicates with, using alphabet poo.
yes but...oh, right. well, that’s one less card to send out at christmas i guess.
they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.
they say that?
that’s what they say.
well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.
they say that?
that’s what they say.
it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.
you never know.
hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?
i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.
i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.
well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.
although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape
the next day, a security solution is in place.
hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.
have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?
sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....
oh, lord, no
has your friend dylan changed to primary school teaching now?
i don’t speak to dylan anymore. just for conversation’s sake, why do you ask?
i saw him at the pub the other night. he wanted to tell me another of his outrageously funny jokes.
am i going to want to hear it? she asks with rolled newspaper poised.
probably not but here goes, what’s so good about 88 year olds?
there’s 80 of them.
strangely enough, that really wasn’t worth it. ow.
ick. there’s so much editorial biased crap in here. i don’t know why i read the newspaper at all.
i know what you mean. i haven’t read the paper for years.
you’re reading the paper right now.
no, no. i’m just using it to shield myself from your hagrid face,...
wife kills husband then escapes to tropic island. hailed as hero by most
i’ve been thinking about buying one of those robot vaccum cleaners.
all you have to do is empty the dust bin.
all i have to do? cleaning is a woman’s chore!
oh, we’re traditional now? so you’re finally going to fix my car then?
not likely. that’s a mechanic’s chore.
and yours is?
watching porn, mostly.
"it has been alleged in the ’dr death’ inquiry that a patient’s life support had been turned off because dr death needed the bed space."
good for him, saving all those taxpayer dollars.
tyler, that’s an incredibly heartless thing to say. what if it had been one of your relatives that he murdered?
ok, let me rephrase that.
i can’t find my passport.
it should be in the filing cabinet.
aha! it’s probably in this folder marked ’monique’.
hey, wait a second,..
this is a file full of insults? are you keeping a file full of insults in reserve that you can use on me?
i guess i just put my spare time to good use.
you are such a freak.
and you are my muse.
what are you doing tyler?
i’m watching the next door neighbour’s front yard.
the car guys yard?
yeah. i’ve noticed that when he finishes doing up one of his hot rods, he’ll leave it on his front yard all innocent and unprotected like.
unprotected like? have you been hanging out with jeff foxworthy?
funny. no, you know those strange, high pitched sqealing noises we hear occasionally?
you mean it’s not been you looking in the mirror?
oh, she’s in rare form tonight. i think our neighbour has been testing some customized anti-theft dev...oh dear lord, is that a claw?!
i wonder if the vienna boys’ choir knows about this? it would save a lot in training costs.
oh so close.
ick! there are rat droppings in the house. you’re the one who insists on living in squalor, do something about it.
the next morning
aaaaaaaagh! mother f,....
yep, definately no rats on her side of the bed.
ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.
yes and you agreed to a cessation of your "no pants" policy.
my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.
ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?
surprisingly less so as the years progress. damn this materialistic society we live in. well this has been fun but i really must dash off to work.
i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.
i left you some solvent in my coffee mug. tootles.
all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*
oopsie, did i say my coffee mug?
do you believe in karma?
the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!
i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.
this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.
you’re a non-believer then?
there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.
hard drive failure? hard drive failure??
mmmm, i do feel better.
so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
that’s,.. umm,.. research.
huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
really? please excuse me.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
$350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
ok, your turn.
i don’t think so.
while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
fine, i was only kidding.
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
oh yeah, that’s it baby.
i just slammed my pinky in the door.
what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
finger,. my pinky finger.
oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
you’re such a fucking retard.
ha! makes sense i guess.
when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
i only saw one pair in the hamper.
yes you did.
enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
except for the fuglies of course.
of course, neo greaseboy.
you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
where the fuck am i?