what happened to the tivo, darling?
i reset it, and recorded hours and hours of will & grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. so i tossed it.
i read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
no such luck for you, butch.
curse my heterosexuality.
you filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
sheep herding, felafel rapist!
holy shit! are you as turned on as i am? last one upstairs felches first.
hey no fair!
so...you wanted to be gay?
but, you like girls.
relative to what?
american idol. there can be only one. who will it be?
the one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
charlie’s angels. there can be only three.
oh c’mon! they’re gagging for it.
we’re having people for dinner next saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
we only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
there’s the hamster thing.
yes, there is the hamster thing.
can we at least stay away from the jones family. i’ve had mrs jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. i’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
ok then, how about the pavarottis? they’ve just emigrated from italy.
hmmm...it has been a while since we’ve had some good italian.
i like to think of myself as a love maker of olympic standard.
what? like a relay runner?
well, the bit where you perform is when you grab your shaft,..
..and only one person finishes, yes, i’d agree with that.
although i think of you more like the luge.
the luge athletes?
actually i meant the course.
a dog flew passed my window today.
a dog flew passed your window?
yes, i was amazed, the physical effects department have never gotten one higher than the eighth floor on a first attempt before.
hmmm, weighing the pros and cons of the situation, ah stuff it. just what the purple, monkey, dishwasher are you talking about?
it’s all for the latest high profile movie, "my nose smells like a geranium mummy."
the year is 7429, geranium mummies have taken control of the earth, their one weakness, high speed canine. it’s a story about a handfull of courageous mutant bovine/donkey/men, their trusty catapults and an overwhelming supply of dogs for ammunition. brad pitt is going to voice for the dogs.
y’know, i’d actually pay to see that.
you and a billion other morons. god, i love this business.
"babies are the nicest way of all to start making people." apparently. so, my mother still wants to know when we are having kids.
she wants mutant grandspawn?! it’s too late anyway, i had the operation done.
what? when was this? why didn’t you consult me or perhaps my mother, about it? can you at least sit down when i’m talking at...are you skipping?
i only said i had the operation done, i didn’t specify to whom said operation was performed on. remember that time you woke up in a bathtub full of ice?
those had better not be my fallopian tubes you’re jumping rope with!
i’m a little duch girl dressed in blue. these are the things i like to do...
ah, harken to thee my muse. my beloved. fragrant blossom unto whom the earth itself does turn. i must away, but i shall return and lavish thee with delights.
pray i delight in rekindling our tryst. let me pamper you like the angel that you are.
i know. that’s the point.
you know nothing pile of tapir waste.
my god! they’re everywhere! when was the last time you were in here?!
oh, it’s been at least a week, i guess. why?
ants! a disgustingly large, infestation of ants!
i hear you can get a topical cream for that these days.
a large porn conglomerate in europe has snaffled up a medical cable channel in the us. they plan to introduce a programme dedicated to the therapeutic benefits of "fisting."
*cough* *splutter* the therapeutic benefits of...how the hell do they think they’re going to do that?!
one inch at a time. one inch, at a time.
dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
the traditional setup
will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
the traditional punchline
of course i do dear.
tyler’s actual answer
don’t be retarded you slack mole.
so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
not as good as he says he is, huh?
hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
it wasn’t a hooker!
i didn’t say it was...
oh. good! nevermind then.
you hired a hooker?
nah. it’s just porn.
so we still have to have sex?
this place is so dusty.
then maybe you should do some dusting.
i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
a chick’s job?
yeah. hey, where are you going?
to get a broom.
you better start running.
i’m reading an article about birdlife.
i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
i would not say such things if i were you.
why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
what were we talking about?
i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
*uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
i was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and i came across a box of your old uni stuff. does "analien: in space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?
why whatever do you mean?
i mean, why do you have a vhs tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?
it was a gift from friends, i’ve never actually watched it.
i’m not worried about your sexuality tyler. it’s just that when i saw the title and the signatures of all the cast and the personal message, "to our bestest grease boy ever." i thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?
it’s not something i’m ashamed of. while you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, i was able to pay my university fees upfront. it may not have paid as much as a fluffer but i was working an honest job for honest...
...hard core, gay porn. you haven’t answered my question senator.
no i haven’t, have i.
why is it that you get to hit me but i don’t get to hit you?
because i’m a girl.
remember lorena bobbitt?
take it. it’s not like i enjoy using my penis any more.
and you already sit down to pee.
so, what are you reading about?
wait, feminists are angry? what do they have to be angry about?
female circumcision for one.
i don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.
you’re not helping.
i will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.
do you even know what "bling bling" is?
sure i do.
a fiddy cent ringtone for my cell phone?
you go now.
i had to go into town to, do something, i think. the place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?
relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. some people like to express themselves with costume.
you can stop with the cookie monster impressions, it can’t have been that bad.
are you kidding?! the overstretched spandex, the bad wigs, the disfiguring acne.
the well rounded tights, the thigh hugging boots, oh yeah, the...
...deep impression of my forehead in the table, ow!
actually, that worked. thanks, i think.
you realise that you’re one of the biggest fanboys i know.
i am nothing like those people.
you picked a napkin out of the bin because you thought sarah michelle gellar may have used it. fanboy.
as stunning as this repartee is, you’d probably like it at the expo. there will be lots of buffy merchandise to paw through and i’m pretty sure i heard that joss whedon’s signature will be making a special appearance.
peace at last. if he comes back with any of those evangelion dollies however...
that was great! most of those costumed freaks were really nice, i hardly wanted to punch any of them in the face. there were a lot of non-costumed people like me there too, who would have thought?
ah me, how time flies.
i picked up some "crumpleton experiment" and a "phatsville comix." a little, hyperactive young lad even wanted to sell me his love. i got to see jake the muss, very cool. i had no idea "once were warriors" was still so popular, and...
..this one time, at band camp.
anyway, i’m going back tomorrow, you should come too.
i don’t fucking think so.
what are you so happy about? and where did you go last night?
i was bored, so i did what i usually do. i wandered up and down the aisles at the hardware store.
and did it relieve your boredom?
inspiration struck when i found that the plungers were stored next to the super glue.
and in news today,..
shh! this’ll be it.
oh lord no.