what happened to the tivo, darling?
i reset it, and recorded hours and hours of will & grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. so i tossed it.
i read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
no such luck for you, butch.
curse my heterosexuality.
you filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
sheep herding, felafel rapist!
holy shit! are you as turned on as i am? last one upstairs felches first.
hey no fair!
so...you wanted to be gay?
but, you like girls.
relative to what?
american idol. there can be only one. who will it be?
the one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
charlie’s angels. there can be only three.
oh c’mon! they’re gagging for it.
we’re having people for dinner next saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
we only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
there’s the hamster thing.
yes, there is the hamster thing.
can we at least stay away from the jones family. i’ve had mrs jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. i’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
ok then, how about the pavarottis? they’ve just emigrated from italy.
hmmm...it has been a while since we’ve had some good italian.
i like to think of myself as a love maker of olympic standard.
what? like a relay runner?
well, the bit where you perform is when you grab your shaft,..
..and only one person finishes, yes, i’d agree with that.
although i think of you more like the luge.
the luge athletes?
actually i meant the course.
a dog flew passed my window today.
a dog flew passed your window?
yes, i was amazed, the physical effects department have never gotten one higher than the eighth floor on a first attempt before.
hmmm, weighing the pros and cons of the situation, ah stuff it. just what the purple, monkey, dishwasher are you talking about?
it’s all for the latest high profile movie, "my nose smells like a geranium mummy."
the year is 7429, geranium mummies have taken control of the earth, their one weakness, high speed canine. it’s a story about a handfull of courageous mutant bovine/donkey/men, their trusty catapults and an overwhelming supply of dogs for ammunition. brad pitt is going to voice for the dogs.
y’know, i’d actually pay to see that.
you and a billion other morons. god, i love this business.
"babies are the nicest way of all to start making people." apparently. so, my mother still wants to know when we are having kids.
she wants mutant grandspawn?! it’s too late anyway, i had the operation done.
what? when was this? why didn’t you consult me or perhaps my mother, about it? can you at least sit down when i’m talking at...are you skipping?
i only said i had the operation done, i didn’t specify to whom said operation was performed on. remember that time you woke up in a bathtub full of ice?
those had better not be my fallopian tubes you’re jumping rope with!
i’m a little duch girl dressed in blue. these are the things i like to do...
ah, harken to thee my muse. my beloved. fragrant blossom unto whom the earth itself does turn. i must away, but i shall return and lavish thee with delights.
pray i delight in rekindling our tryst. let me pamper you like the angel that you are.
i know. that’s the point.
you know nothing pile of tapir waste.
my god! they’re everywhere! when was the last time you were in here?!
oh, it’s been at least a week, i guess. why?
ants! a disgustingly large, infestation of ants!
i hear you can get a topical cream for that these days.
a large porn conglomerate in europe has snaffled up a medical cable channel in the us. they plan to introduce a programme dedicated to the therapeutic benefits of "fisting."
*cough* *splutter* the therapeutic benefits of...how the hell do they think they’re going to do that?!
one inch at a time. one inch, at a time.
dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
the traditional setup
will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
the traditional punchline
of course i do dear.
tyler’s actual answer
don’t be retarded you slack mole.
so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
not as good as he says he is, huh?
hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
it wasn’t a hooker!
i didn’t say it was...
oh. good! nevermind then.
you hired a hooker?
nah. it’s just porn.
so we still have to have sex?
this place is so dusty.
then maybe you should do some dusting.
i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
a chick’s job?
yeah. hey, where are you going?
to get a broom.
you better start running.
i’m reading an article about birdlife.
i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
i would not say such things if i were you.
why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
what were we talking about?
i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
*uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
i was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and i came across a box of your old uni stuff. does "analien: in space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?
why whatever do you mean?
i mean, why do you have a vhs tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?
it was a gift from friends, i’ve never actually watched it.
i’m not worried about your sexuality tyler. it’s just that when i saw the title and the signatures of all the cast and the personal message, "to our bestest grease boy ever." i thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?
it’s not something i’m ashamed of. while you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, i was able to pay my university fees upfront. it may not have paid as much as a fluffer but i was working an honest job for honest...
...hard core, gay porn. you haven’t answered my question senator.
no i haven’t, have i.
why is it that you get to hit me but i don’t get to hit you?
because i’m a girl.
remember lorena bobbitt?
take it. it’s not like i enjoy using my penis any more.
and you already sit down to pee.
so, what are you reading about?
wait, feminists are angry? what do they have to be angry about?
female circumcision for one.
i don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.
you’re not helping.
i will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.
do you even know what "bling bling" is?
sure i do.
a fiddy cent ringtone for my cell phone?
you go now.
i had to go into town to, do something, i think. the place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?
relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. some people like to express themselves with costume.
you can stop with the cookie monster impressions, it can’t have been that bad.
are you kidding?! the overstretched spandex, the bad wigs, the disfiguring acne.
the well rounded tights, the thigh hugging boots, oh yeah, the...
...deep impression of my forehead in the table, ow!
actually, that worked. thanks, i think.
you realise that you’re one of the biggest fanboys i know.
i am nothing like those people.
you picked a napkin out of the bin because you thought sarah michelle gellar may have used it. fanboy.
as stunning as this repartee is, you’d probably like it at the expo. there will be lots of buffy merchandise to paw through and i’m pretty sure i heard that joss whedon’s signature will be making a special appearance.
peace at last. if he comes back with any of those evangelion dollies however...
that was great! most of those costumed freaks were really nice, i hardly wanted to punch any of them in the face. there were a lot of non-costumed people like me there too, who would have thought?
ah me, how time flies.
i picked up some "crumpleton experiment" and a "phatsville comix." a little, hyperactive young lad even wanted to sell me his love. i got to see jake the muss, very cool. i had no idea "once were warriors" was still so popular, and...
..this one time, at band camp.
anyway, i’m going back tomorrow, you should come too.
i don’t fucking think so.
what are you so happy about? and where did you go last night?
i was bored, so i did what i usually do. i wandered up and down the aisles at the hardware store.
and did it relieve your boredom?
inspiration struck when i found that the plungers were stored next to the super glue.
and in news today,..
shh! this’ll be it.
oh lord no.
if you’re going to read comic books behind there, you could at least turn the newspaper the right way up.
hey? oh, right.
much. what are you reading anyway?
"groovy gravy" surprisingly, it’s not crap.
more in-jokes? when will you learn?
y’know, the average human body contains 5.7 litres of blood.
random fact spouting, this is new. what book did you get this tidbit from pray?
you used the last of the milk.
actually i tipped out what was left of what i replaced the milk with last week.
you are chipper
oh! well, i figured out the solution to a problem that has been bothering me.
what was the solution?
what was the problem?
it’s probably best you don’t ask.
you work in the movie business, right?
yeah, well y’know when you need animals on set, they have to come with trainers or "wranglers?"
if you needed a bunch of roosters for a scene would the trainer be called a, "cock wrangler?"
i don’t know, grease boy, you tell me.
well, i’m going to go to the computer store.
can i fondle your breasts?
fondle your own.
well...i guess they are of a similar size.
you know your friend alex?
the quantum theorist?
that’s the one.
sometimes he’s a really pleasant chap,..
but sometimes he comes across as a power hungry machivalian arse-clown.
you’ve known this quantum theorist longer. which is he?
i’m an emotional rag. the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is released this thursday. i’ve been waiting for this film for so long. my expectations don’t know what to do.
i’m so scared that they’ll be too high, and i’ll be let down by the film, but,..
then i think that i’ll hate it because my expectations are so high,..
but then my expectations to hate it will mean that i’ll be pleasantly surprised when i actually see it,..
so now i’m looking forward to it again,.. so my expectations are high,..
i hear it’s pretty good.
i’m not wearing any pants.
good thing i superglued your ass to that chair then.
ah. so you did. and not just my ass, it appears.
i’m off to the mall! there’s a sale on shoes.
bugger. stupid glue.
if only i were more flexible.
it’s about time you got home! there seems to have been some glue on the table...
um, look señor, i don’t know who you are, or what you’re doing here but you’ve got to help me man.
¿usted está bien, hombre?
i need some solvent. metho, vodka, anything.
mi amigo, los genitales son vinculados muy a esa silla
bien, yo no soy interesado en actos sexuales extraños, yo ahora saldré con esta máquina de dvd.
please,.. you’ve got to,.. hey! are you stealing my dvd player?
bueno adiós, hombre
apparently, my boss is getting some serious grief from a rival "gun shop." he’s given all employees some special, "home protection."
a gun! you’ve brought a firearm into this house?!
it’s ok monique, i’ll have it on me at all times. see, it’s tucked into my pan...
careful there tyler, you don’t want to go off half-cocked.
i can’t believe i’m so disappointed with the hitchhiker’s movie. the editing was,.. was,..
you really had a lot resting on that movie didn’t you? i almost feel bad for my part in the selection of the editor.
you chose the editor?
’chose’ is probably the wrong word for a process involving tequila and a blindfold.
well, i’m off fishing.
aren’t you a bit optimistic using those over-sized hooks?
i just like a situation where those with the biggest mouths are punished.
what the hell is that supposed to mean?
whoops! gotta go.
wasn’t ’eternal sunshine of the spotless mind’ wonderful and romantic?
it just prompted such intriguing questions.
erasing memories. what a strange notion.
hey tyler, what memories would you have deleted?
this conversation would make a nice start.
whoa! déjà vu!
you prick! you think it’s funny to replace my bathroom mirror with an aquarium containing a dugong?
not as funny as the fact that it’s been there two days already.
fuck you, tyler.
ancient sailors mistook them for mermaids.
big fat hairy mermaids.
did you just say ’nothing’?
i didn’t say anything.
no, did you just say,. ’nothing’?
the word ’nothing’?
no damnit!! did you speak, but not say anything at all?
start making sense baldy or i’m packing you off to a home.
have the baskervilles moved in next door?
i don’t believe so.
well, i just...ah, i don’t suppose you know anything about the large, glowing canine next door?
it’s funny you should mention that monique. when i was a young lad, my friend and i would delight in painting the neighbourhood pets all the colours of the rainbow.
these days, however, i have many more years under the belt, a bigger bank account and access to a disgustingly large hardware store where i may purchase fluorescent spray paint and uv light globes to suit street lamps. the revolution starts here, baby!
that’s really quite inventive tyler, but...
i’m just trying to get past the fact you had a friend when you were young.
i did give him half my pocket money every week.
you know how you said it was a mistake to plant a genetically modified herb garden?
if i remember correctly, i told you that it was ’screwing with the laws of nature’.
i hate to say this, but i think you might have been right.
well well well, so mister infallible has an archillies heel. so what brings this bout of ecological gallantry?
maybe you should ask it.
,..then i’ve got an appointment at the solarium, then it’s off to the beauty parlor for a skin peel.
point one, that’s the most retarded waste of time i’ve ever heard of.
point two. what the hell are you trying to do recapture your youth? it’s not like you were that pretty then either.
at least i don’t try to recapture someone else’s youth.
good god! you let him go? i told you that o’donnally woman wasn’t getting her son back until she cleaned up her footpath!!
three words tyler.
crime. against. humanity.
you’ll make us look soft. now, where did i put my taser.
yeah, why are you so surprised?
oh, no reason. so how was your boogy-boarding holiday to indonesia?
good, except my boogy board got mixed up with someone else’s on the trip. i seem to have someone’s called ’schapelle corby’.
so, what’s in the news back here in australia?
oh, nothing,... nothing at all.
well, why don’t you go into the garage and put the car back together.
,.. the car,... back,...
son of a,...
i get bored too.
what the hell are you talking about?
i travelled back from the future.
what? how far?
about 45 seconds.
you’re an idiot!
that’s what you said last time. well, i’m off. seeya later,.. i mean,.. earlier.
i ran into justin and louise today. they asked how you were and wanted to know if we would be interested in going to a bbq some time. i told them it was a good idea and suggested that they should invite andrew and cheryl, zoe and ash and john and leeanne. zoe’s little girl just had her first birthday.
hmmm...bbq, sounds good. it makes you wonder though.
bbq’s make you wonder?
no, bbq’s make me hungry. i was speaking of our individuality, no, that’s not quite right. it’s just, our friends know us as tylerandmonique, as we know them as justinandlouise or zoeandashley. i was curious as to when we stopped being just tyler and just monique.
i’m pretty sure i remember the day, i believe an impressive clergyman was involved. did you believe you were ever just tyler?
i guess so.
i must say, i feel a little better about myself.
it’s been so hard, living day in and day out surrounded by complete and utter morons. to know that every person i would meet was simply just not as good as i, was really quite upsetting.
then i locked my keys in the car.
are you going to see the doctor about your back today?
no, i’ll be fine. i can sort of walk now. i was talking to my sister earlier and she suggested i take some nurofen... before i go to the doctor.
fine, it’s your back. if you don’t want to listen to either of us, that’s your lookout. just be careful with the nurofen, it’s strong stuff.
i can read monique. the label suggests to take no less than 4 tablets, 6 times a day.
you’re using a definition of "read" that i have been previously unaware of aren’t you?
idiot. "1 every 4 hours. no more than 6 per day." how many did you take?
i took floaty many. why does the newspaper taste like snozberry?
i still can’t figure out how you threw your back out.
it was just one of those freak "acts of god."
a likely story. when i found you prostrate on the office floor, it looked as if you’d been crawling away from the computer desk. i know that chair isn’t the most comfortable but.... you were jacking off to porn weren’t you?!
it wasn’t porn. the trailer for the new firefly movie just came out and... i’m sure i wasn’t the only one.
you sick little puppy. i am so getting my own keyboard and mouse.
i want to lick your nose.
i want to lick your nose.
i want to lick your nose.
i want to lick your nose.
i want to lick your nose.
maybe we could get fit by riding bikes.
gosh! that takes me back. that last time i rode a bike was,...
,..oh, yes. my buck’s night.
ah, the memories.
how do you make a dog meow?
put it in the freezer for three days, pull it out then run it across a band saw.
you thieved that from george smilovici.
it’s called "paying homage" dear. how about this one then, what do dogs say when they spontaneously combust?
you’re so boring. all you ever do is watch tv and read the paper. why aren’t you more exciting?
much as i hate agreeing with you, i do believe that there are a host of unfinished hobbies in the attic, awaiting my return.
a week later
it’s nice to see that you’re working on your hobbies. i see you’ve dug out both the telescope and the cameras.
wait a second,...
oh my god! kylie minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
well, she should have kept them out of the sun.
it’s not the first time her breasts have created a blood-fed growth.
...she said what?
"my pet monkey has better handwriting skills than you and he uses his own fecal matter as a medium."
that’s what i thought you said. wow, that’s a little disturbing.
thanks monique, talking to you has really helped.
your handwriting is atrocious, get over it. the bigger picture is eluding you at present, isn’t it?
you want to have a go at my artwork now?
tyler, an old friend of yours has a pet monkey, that she communicates with, using alphabet poo.
yes but...oh, right. well, that’s one less card to send out at christmas i guess.
they say, poor handwriting stems from a mind working so fast that the hand just can’t keep up.
they say that?
that’s what they say.
well, it’s funny you should mention that because i heard, they say poor handwriting stems from chronic masturbation.
they say that?
that’s what they say.
it’s quite possible that they are full of shit.
you never know.
hats off to those wacky scientist guys for making pigs that fly but couldn’t they have used something other than magpie dna to help out?
i’m sure they thought they were very clever at the time.
i just don’t feel safe after finding out that there’s a sexual predator on the loose, plus the fact that you’re a complete coward.
well, geez, if you’re that bothered about safety, go and sort out some sort of safety system for the house.
although i always figured that your horrible visage was protection enough from rape
the next day, a security solution is in place.
hey! why are all my buffy and angel dvd’s scattered all over the living room. you know i said not to touch them.
have you ever heard of archimedes’ fire?
sure, and that would explain the huge parabolic dish on the upstairs balcony, but where would you get so many reflective discs,.....
oh, lord, no
has your friend dylan changed to primary school teaching now?
i don’t speak to dylan anymore. just for conversation’s sake, why do you ask?
i saw him at the pub the other night. he wanted to tell me another of his outrageously funny jokes.
am i going to want to hear it? she asks with rolled newspaper poised.
probably not but here goes, what’s so good about 88 year olds?
there’s 80 of them.
strangely enough, that really wasn’t worth it. ow.
ick. there’s so much editorial biased crap in here. i don’t know why i read the newspaper at all.
i know what you mean. i haven’t read the paper for years.
you’re reading the paper right now.
no, no. i’m just using it to shield myself from your hagrid face,...
wife kills husband then escapes to tropic island. hailed as hero by most
i’ve been thinking about buying one of those robot vaccum cleaners.
all you have to do is empty the dust bin.
all i have to do? cleaning is a woman’s chore!
oh, we’re traditional now? so you’re finally going to fix my car then?
not likely. that’s a mechanic’s chore.
and yours is?
watching porn, mostly.
"it has been alleged in the ’dr death’ inquiry that a patient’s life support had been turned off because dr death needed the bed space."
good for him, saving all those taxpayer dollars.
tyler, that’s an incredibly heartless thing to say. what if it had been one of your relatives that he murdered?
ok, let me rephrase that.
i can’t find my passport.
it should be in the filing cabinet.
aha! it’s probably in this folder marked ’monique’.
hey, wait a second,..
this is a file full of insults? are you keeping a file full of insults in reserve that you can use on me?
i guess i just put my spare time to good use.
you are such a freak.
and you are my muse.
what are you doing tyler?
i’m watching the next door neighbour’s front yard.
the car guys yard?
yeah. i’ve noticed that when he finishes doing up one of his hot rods, he’ll leave it on his front yard all innocent and unprotected like.
unprotected like? have you been hanging out with jeff foxworthy?
funny. no, you know those strange, high pitched sqealing noises we hear occasionally?
you mean it’s not been you looking in the mirror?
oh, she’s in rare form tonight. i think our neighbour has been testing some customized anti-theft dev...oh dear lord, is that a claw?!
i wonder if the vienna boys’ choir knows about this? it would save a lot in training costs.
oh so close.
ick! there are rat droppings in the house. you’re the one who insists on living in squalor, do something about it.
the next morning
aaaaaaaagh! mother f,....
yep, definately no rats on her side of the bed.
ok, well i’ll be off. ooo! i thought we agreed to a "no gluing bodily parts to inanimate objects" treaty.
yes and you agreed to a cessation of your "no pants" policy.
my pants are in the dryer because someone put holes in the bottom of the cup i use to rinse with after brushing my teeth.
ok, you’ve had your fun now, tyler has learnt his lesson. solvent?
surprisingly less so as the years progress. damn this materialistic society we live in. well this has been fun but i really must dash off to work.
i guess i could unbolt the seat in the volvo and drive to work like this.
i left you some solvent in my coffee mug. tootles.
all i see is an atreides that i want to ki..*hack* *cough* *splutter*
oopsie, did i say my coffee mug?
do you believe in karma?
the mythical force that balances out all bad deeds with cosmic punishment? lord no!!
i can’t remember ever doing anything bad enough to warrant this marriage.
this frickin’ holistic medicine crap. i can’t believe it’s still legal to advertise things like a ’magnetic cure’.
you’re a non-believer then?
there’s no rational reason anyone should feel better after ’magnet therapy’.
hard drive failure? hard drive failure??
mmmm, i do feel better.
so, what was in the big box the postie dropped off?
i ordered the hard cover, "adult" edition of the harry potter books.
ok, fan boy. let’s just skip the part where you explain why you need the "adult" versions when you already have the original, brightly coloured ones and instead, you can tell me what the difference is between the two.
it’s really very simple, dear. the "adult" version contains all the really good stuff they couldn’t print in the children’s version. such as the special love hermione has for hagrid, what dumbledore really likes to do with his phoenix and what actually happened in the chamber of secrets between harry, ginny and the "giant serpent."
you couldn’t lie straight in a coffin could you?
do you know what the original title for book one was?
"harry potter and the philosopher’s bone"
i notice that you have ’furries pages’ bookmarked on the computer.
that’s,.. umm,.. research.
huh! fun project. i just don’t understand it myself.
some people find it easier to trust friendly images from their childhood than human beings,.. like you.
it gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ’finger puppets’, though.
,..also the phrase ’getting felt up’.
i’m not looking forward to work today. i’ve been getting the accounts ready for the end of the financial year but the computer is so damn slow, if i need to refer to a different spreadsheet, it takes me ages to get it up.
really? please excuse me.
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
for the moment. hoo, i think i’ve ruptured something.
they were such a bargain. marked down from $350
$350 for a pair of women’s jeans?
if i paid $350 for a pair of woman’s jeans i’d expect a pair of legs and a pelvis to still be inside them.
and you wonder why i’ve put a lock on my bedroom door.
a lock on your,...
hmm, that gives me an idea
ok, your turn.
i don’t think so.
while gargling hot man custard might not have been my first choice of activities at breakfast this morning, the promise of reciprocation was somewhat alluring. i realise that you’re male but why would you renege now?
well, to be honest, you don’t have the balls.
fine, i was only kidding.
utha hucker! an ouse tap?! how da..? you hucking biths!
oh yeah, that’s it baby.
i just slammed my pinky in the door.
what? what?? oh god! no! no, please god!!
oh jesus no!! augh!! aagh!! god no!!!
finger,. my pinky finger.
oh? oh? oh, okay. it’s just that,. er,.. it explained some stuff.
you’re such a fucking retard.
ha! makes sense i guess.
when i was a kid and didn’t particularly feel like doing something my parents asked me to do, i’d say, "i’ll do it tomorrow." to which they would reply, "ah, but ’tomorrow’ never comes."
this helped you to make sense of what exactly?
i’ve been wondering for years now, why there are no porn stars named ’tomorrow,’ bad for business i suppose.
i don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
i’m missing a pair of panties. i don’t suppose you know where they might be found?
they may very well be caressing my derriére with their lacy softness as we speak.
ok, a. that is truly nasty, you disgusting little freak.
b. i don’t want them back and
it was a matter of practicality monique. all my jocks are in the wash.
i only saw one pair in the hamper.
yes you did.
enter the matrix. in the war to save zion, what part will you play?
the part where i don’t die and get to have sex with all the chicks.
except for the fuglies of course.
of course, neo greaseboy.
you remember my quantum physicist friend alex? well i borrowed one of his devices.
stole! anyway, apparently it can send an individual to an alternate reality.
meanwhile, 0.328 universes away
where the fuck am i?
monique, my love, it’s me, parallel tyler.
wait, you know you’re from a parallel universe?
what? no? that’s my name, parallel tyler. what’s wrong dear? you seem disoriented.
i think i’m in the wrong place.
here, sweetie, take my credit card. i just put some more cash on it. go buy yourself something to cheer you up.
i,... wrong,... place,.. i,..
do you want to take the corvette or the rx7?
i love you honey!
are you happier now you’ve spent some money and had a drive?
very, i’m so glad that i’m where i should be, parallel tyler.
and can i just say that you’ve been so pleasant in the last couple of days, like you really appreciate me.
like i know how bad the alternative is maybe.
we’re both so lucky.
meanwhile in our universe,..
so,.. very,.. happy!!
okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
who said that?
no! no! noooooooooo!!!
send me back, send me back!!
how long has it been since you washed your hair?
a couple of months i guess.
yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
which brings me to my next point.
you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
nah, she blew me off.
the saucy minx.
in your dreams, monkey boy.
waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
it’s coffee, cow face.
there’s coffee in my fly?
no, a fly in your coffee.
oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
you know...this coffee tastes weird.
actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
weh ith de mouthwath?!
you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
i wish you were a breatharian.