Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Exs '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: who was your most memorable ex-girlfriend?
:Tyler says: well,.. there was this italian girl with bad vision and disposable contacts.
:Monigue says: what was so memorable about her?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: she wore glasses all the time.
:Tyler says: scary, scary girl,..

what about you?
:Monigue says: there was this one guy who was scottish.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: were you with him long?
:Monigue says: nah, it was just a highland fling.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tivo '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: we need tivo.
:Monigue says: why?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: it makes suggestions for shows based on what you like. tivo figures out what kind of person you are.
:Monigue says: we already know what kind of "person" you are.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was hoping it could tell us what manner of demonspawn you are, o’ watcher of reality shows.
:Monigue says: one with good taste, o’ watcher of pro wrestling.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saving Ryan’s Privates '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: care to explain why the tivo is full of pay-per-view porn set in world war two?
:Tyler says: i could take a guess...
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: last week, you recorded saving private ryan.
:Monigue says: and you recorded showgirls. twice.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tivo is Faaabulous '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: what happened to the tivo, darling?
:Tyler says: i reset it, and recorded hours and hours of will & grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. so i tossed it.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: um, why?
:Tyler says: i read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no such luck for you, butch.
:Tyler says: curse my heterosexuality.
:Monigue says: indeed.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Go Forth and Multiply! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
:Monigue says: eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
,Tyler angry.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: sheep herding, felafel rapist!
:Monigue says: holy shit! are you as turned on as i am? last one upstairs felches first.
,Tyler angry.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: hey no fair!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Like Traffic Lights '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so...you wanted to be gay?
:Tyler says: maybe.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: but, you like girls.
:Tyler says: relative to what?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Born to be Kings '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! american idol. there can be only one. who will it be?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: the one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
television blares! charlie’s angels. there can be only three.
:Monigue says: no, tyler.
:Tyler says: oh c’mon! they’re gagging for it.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Other, Other White Meat '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: we’re having people for dinner next saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
:Tyler says: again?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: we only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
:Tyler says: there’s the hamster thing.
:Monigue says: yes, there is the hamster thing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: can we at least stay away from the jones family. i’ve had mrs jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. i’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
:Monigue says: ok then, how about the pavarottis? they’ve just emigrated from italy.
:Tyler says: hmmm...it has been a while since we’ve had some good italian.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Olympics '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i like to think of myself as a love maker of olympic standard.
:Monigue says: what? like a relay runner?
:Tyler says: huh?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: well, the bit where you perform is when you grab your shaft,..
:Monigue says: ..and only one person finishes, yes, i’d agree with that.
:Tyler says: although i think of you more like the luge.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: the luge athletes?
:Tyler says: actually i meant the course.
:Tyler says: slut
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Feel Happeee! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: a dog flew passed my window today.
:Tyler says: a dog flew passed your window?
:Monigue says: yes, i was amazed, the physical effects department have never gotten one higher than the eighth floor on a first attempt before.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hmmm, weighing the pros and cons of the situation, ah stuff it. just what the purple, monkey, dishwasher are you talking about?
:Monigue says: it’s all for the latest high profile movie, "my nose smells like a geranium mummy."
:Monigue says: the year is 7429, geranium mummies have taken control of the earth, their one weakness, high speed canine. it’s a story about a handfull of courageous mutant bovine/donkey/men, their trusty catapults and an overwhelming supply of dogs for ammunition. brad pitt is going to voice for the dogs.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: y’know, i’d actually pay to see that.
:Monigue says: you and a billion other morons. god, i love this business.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Werd to the Stumpy Bear '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: "babies are the nicest way of all to start making people." apparently. so, my mother still wants to know when we are having kids.
:Tyler says: she wants mutant grandspawn?! it’s too late anyway, i had the operation done.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: what? when was this? why didn’t you consult me or perhaps my mother, about it? can you at least sit down when i’m talking at...are you skipping?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: i only said i had the operation done, i didn’t specify to whom said operation was performed on. remember that time you woke up in a bathtub full of ice?
:Monigue says: those had better not be my fallopian tubes you’re jumping rope with!
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m a little duch girl dressed in blue. these are the things i like to do...
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sweet '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: ah, harken to thee my muse. my beloved. fragrant blossom unto whom the earth itself does turn. i must away, but i shall return and lavish thee with delights.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sweet 2 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: pray i delight in rekindling our tryst. let me pamper you like the angel that you are.
:Monigue says: you
:Monigue says: are
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: freaking
:Monigue says: me
:Monigue says: out!!
,Tyler silent.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i know. that’s the point.
:Tyler says: you know nothing pile of tapir waste.
:Monigue says: phew
,Tyler news.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Show us your Pink Panther '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says from offstage: aiiiiiieeeeeee!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: my god! they’re everywhere! when was the last time you were in here?!
:Tyler says: oh, it’s been at least a week, i guess. why?
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ants! a disgustingly large, infestation of ants!
:Tyler says: i hear you can get a topical cream for that these days.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fill Up My Senses '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: a large porn conglomerate in europe has snaffled up a medical cable channel in the us. they plan to introduce a programme dedicated to the therapeutic benefits of "fisting."
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: *cough* *splutter* the therapeutic benefits of...how the hell do they think they’re going to do that?!
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: one inch at a time. one inch, at a time.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It’s not um.... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
:Monigue says: don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
,Tyler coffee.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
:Tyler says: that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Will you love me? '
written by
Dan
the traditional setup
:Monigue says: will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
the traditional punchline
:Tyler says: of course i do dear.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
tyler’s actual answer
:Tyler says: don’t be retarded you slack mole.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We Love You Britney! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
:Monigue says: i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
:Tyler says: not as good as he says he is, huh?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
:Tyler says: naturally.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Odd Charges '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
:Tyler says: it wasn’t a hooker!
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i didn’t say it was...
:Tyler says: oh. good! nevermind then.
:Monigue says: you hired a hooker?
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: nah. it’s just porn.
:Monigue says: so we still have to have sex?
:Tyler says: afraid so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dusting '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this place is so dusty.
:Monigue says: then maybe you should do some dusting.
:Tyler says: i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says from offstage: a chick’s job?
:Tyler says: yeah. hey, where are you going?
:Monigue says from offstage: to get a broom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: oh, good.
:Monigue says from offstage: you better start running.
:Tyler says: ah, fuck
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Birds '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: great tits!
:Monigue says: what?
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i’m reading an article about birdlife.
:Monigue says: oh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: nice boobies!
:Monigue says: cock!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Quentin Goldman '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
:Monigue says: she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
:Tyler says: i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i would not say such things if i were you.
:Tyler says: why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
:Monigue says: what were we talking about?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' In The Name Of '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says from offstage: *uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stellar teacup ride '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
:Tyler says: oh,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Slip Slidin’ Away '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i was looking for some old photo’s of mine in the garage this morning and i came across a box of your old uni stuff. does "analien: in space no one can hear you ream!" mean anything to you?
:Tyler says: why whatever do you mean?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i mean, why do you have a vhs tape of hard core, gay porn amongst your old uni things?
:Tyler says: it was a gift from friends, i’ve never actually watched it.
:Monigue says: i’m not worried about your sexuality tyler. it’s just that when i saw the title and the signatures of all the cast and the personal message, "to our bestest grease boy ever." i thought to myself, what the hell is a grease boy?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it’s not something i’m ashamed of. while you were sucking off, ah...up to, all those directors to let you work on their films, i was able to pay my university fees upfront. it may not have paid as much as a fluffer but i was working an honest job for honest...
:Monigue says: ...hard core, gay porn. you haven’t answered my question senator.
:Tyler says: no i haven’t, have i.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hitting Girls '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: why is it that you get to hit me but i don’t get to hit you?
:Monigue says: because i’m a girl.
:Tyler says: so,..
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: remember lorena bobbitt?
:Tyler says: take it. it’s not like i enjoy using my penis any more.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: and you already sit down to pee.
:Tyler says: bite me.
,Tyler news.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Angry feminists '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: so, what are you reading about?
:Monigue says: angry feminists.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: wait, feminists are angry? what do they have to be angry about?
:Monigue says: female circumcision for one.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i don’t see how anyone with easy access to a pair of breasts can ever be angry.
:Monigue says: you’re not helping.
,Tyler talk.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Yo Yo Yo '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: i will be purchasing some bling bling after work today.
:Monigue says: do you even know what "bling bling" is?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: sure i do.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: a fiddy cent ringtone for my cell phone?
:Monigue says: you go now.
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Welcome to Earth '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i had to go into town to, do something, i think. the place is just crawling with... are they the new normal?
:Monigue says: relax, there’s going to be a pop culture expo on over the weekend. some people like to express themselves with costume.
:Tyler says: my eyes....
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stay Awhile '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you can stop with the cookie monster impressions, it can’t have been that bad.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! the overstretched spandex, the bad wigs, the disfiguring acne.
:Tyler says: the well rounded tights, the thigh hugging boots, oh yeah, the...
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ...deep impression of my forehead in the table, ow!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: actually, that worked. thanks, i think.
:Monigue says: anytime.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
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