Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Suck the Hookah '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: that teacher friend of yours is an absolute riot. wow, can that man tell a joke! there was this one, a right corker..
:Monigue says: yes, dylan has managed to be the life of any party for as long as i’ve known him but tyler dear, how many times do we have to go through this? you. can’t. tell. jokes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: nah, this one is sheer brilliance. i can’t go wrong.

what’s better than doing the horizontal folk dance with a 16 year old schoolgirl?
:Tyler says: ...nothing!

ha, fantastic. you know it’s funny, because it’s...
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: the pain!
:Monigue says from offstage: hi, therese? your daughter is in dylan’s class this year right? yeah, about that...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Morning Meeting '
written by
Jeremy
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: oh shit! my alarm didn’t go off. oh god, i’m late!
:Tyler says: sorry. must have bumped it last night.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ahh! you bastard, i had a morning meeting with--
:Tyler says: with brad pitt. yes, you told me many, many times last night.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Another Mother-in-Law Joke '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: ... so i said, "get off my lawn, you old hag, or i’m calling the cops!"
:Monigue says: hahahahaha!
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: you thought that was funny?
:Monigue says: well, of course. it was a joke...right?
,Tyler query.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: uh. on a completely unrelated note, there was a call from your mother. she needs bail money.
:Monigue says: i’d kill you now, but she’s going to want that pleasure when she gets out.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Text Messages I Have Received '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: beware the lord of the fluorescent monkey penis!
:Tyler says: are you drunk????
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: i’m having a weekend get together, can i borrow all your buffy and angel dvds?
:Tyler says: lillee is here, 7lb 2oz.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: can you bring a nutcracker?
:Monigue says: i .will freeze your chickens :-(
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Betty or Veronica? '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: zoe or kaylee?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: kaylee or river?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: buffy or willow?
:Monigue says: it’s just not fair!
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Vows '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i sometimes think back to what the priest said, the day we were married.
:Monigue says: priest? you mean that guy dressed as elvis?
:Tyler says: oh he was a priest, i’m just not sure from which church.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: at any rate, most of it’s foggy but i remember these words like they were spoken yesterday.
:Tyler says: "death do us part"
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: roll on, reaper.
:Tyler says: amen to that.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Exs '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: who was your most memorable ex-girlfriend?
:Tyler says: well,.. there was this italian girl with bad vision and disposable contacts.
:Monigue says: what was so memorable about her?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: she wore glasses all the time.
:Tyler says: scary, scary girl,..

what about you?
:Monigue says: there was this one guy who was scottish.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: were you with him long?
:Monigue says: nah, it was just a highland fling.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tivo '
written by
Jeremy
:Tyler says: we need tivo.
:Monigue says: why?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: it makes suggestions for shows based on what you like. tivo figures out what kind of person you are.
:Monigue says: we already know what kind of "person" you are.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was hoping it could tell us what manner of demonspawn you are, o’ watcher of reality shows.
:Monigue says: one with good taste, o’ watcher of pro wrestling.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saving Ryan’s Privates '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: care to explain why the tivo is full of pay-per-view porn set in world war two?
:Tyler says: i could take a guess...
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: last week, you recorded saving private ryan.
:Monigue says: and you recorded showgirls. twice.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tivo is Faaabulous '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: what happened to the tivo, darling?
:Tyler says: i reset it, and recorded hours and hours of will & grace, and it still suggests home improvement and mechanic shows. so i tossed it.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: um, why?
:Tyler says: i read that tivo can prove you’re gay.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no such luck for you, butch.
:Tyler says: curse my heterosexuality.
:Monigue says: indeed.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Go Forth and Multiply! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: you filthy, rag whore, dog fucking slut!
:Monigue says: eat shit you dirty, ring raiding, nugget punching, mouldy arsed, elephant groping, necrophiliac!
,Tyler angry.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: sheep herding, felafel rapist!
:Monigue says: holy shit! are you as turned on as i am? last one upstairs felches first.
,Tyler angry.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: hey no fair!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Like Traffic Lights '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: so...you wanted to be gay?
:Tyler says: maybe.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: but, you like girls.
:Tyler says: relative to what?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Born to be Kings '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! american idol. there can be only one. who will it be?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: the one with the sharpest sword, perhaps?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
television blares! charlie’s angels. there can be only three.
:Monigue says: no, tyler.
:Tyler says: oh c’mon! they’re gagging for it.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The Other, Other White Meat '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: we’re having people for dinner next saturday so don’t make any last minute plans.
:Tyler says: again?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: we only do this every few weeks and it’s not like we go out of our way to do things as a couple.
:Tyler says: there’s the hamster thing.
:Monigue says: yes, there is the hamster thing.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: can we at least stay away from the jones family. i’ve had mrs jones stuck in my teeth all week and an irritable bowel. i’m sure she was a vegan, the bitch.
:Monigue says: ok then, how about the pavarottis? they’ve just emigrated from italy.
:Tyler says: hmmm...it has been a while since we’ve had some good italian.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Olympics '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i like to think of myself as a love maker of olympic standard.
:Monigue says: what? like a relay runner?
:Tyler says: huh?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: well, the bit where you perform is when you grab your shaft,..
:Monigue says: ..and only one person finishes, yes, i’d agree with that.
:Tyler says: although i think of you more like the luge.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: the luge athletes?
:Tyler says: actually i meant the course.
:Tyler says: slut
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Feel Happeee! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: a dog flew passed my window today.
:Tyler says: a dog flew passed your window?
:Monigue says: yes, i was amazed, the physical effects department have never gotten one higher than the eighth floor on a first attempt before.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hmmm, weighing the pros and cons of the situation, ah stuff it. just what the purple, monkey, dishwasher are you talking about?
:Monigue says: it’s all for the latest high profile movie, "my nose smells like a geranium mummy."
:Monigue says: the year is 7429, geranium mummies have taken control of the earth, their one weakness, high speed canine. it’s a story about a handfull of courageous mutant bovine/donkey/men, their trusty catapults and an overwhelming supply of dogs for ammunition. brad pitt is going to voice for the dogs.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: y’know, i’d actually pay to see that.
:Monigue says: you and a billion other morons. god, i love this business.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Werd to the Stumpy Bear '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: "babies are the nicest way of all to start making people." apparently. so, my mother still wants to know when we are having kids.
:Tyler says: she wants mutant grandspawn?! it’s too late anyway, i had the operation done.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: what? when was this? why didn’t you consult me or perhaps my mother, about it? can you at least sit down when i’m talking at...are you skipping?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: i only said i had the operation done, i didn’t specify to whom said operation was performed on. remember that time you woke up in a bathtub full of ice?
:Monigue says: those had better not be my fallopian tubes you’re jumping rope with!
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m a little duch girl dressed in blue. these are the things i like to do...
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sweet '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: ah, harken to thee my muse. my beloved. fragrant blossom unto whom the earth itself does turn. i must away, but i shall return and lavish thee with delights.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sweet 2 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: pray i delight in rekindling our tryst. let me pamper you like the angel that you are.
:Monigue says: you
:Monigue says: are
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: freaking
:Monigue says: me
:Monigue says: out!!
,Tyler silent.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i know. that’s the point.
:Tyler says: you know nothing pile of tapir waste.
:Monigue says: phew
,Tyler news.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Show us your Pink Panther '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says from offstage: aiiiiiieeeeeee!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: my god! they’re everywhere! when was the last time you were in here?!
:Tyler says: oh, it’s been at least a week, i guess. why?
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: ants! a disgustingly large, infestation of ants!
:Tyler says: i hear you can get a topical cream for that these days.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fill Up My Senses '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: a large porn conglomerate in europe has snaffled up a medical cable channel in the us. they plan to introduce a programme dedicated to the therapeutic benefits of "fisting."
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: *cough* *splutter* the therapeutic benefits of...how the hell do they think they’re going to do that?!
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: one inch at a time. one inch, at a time.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' It’s not um.... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: dear lord! that fancy new coffee you bought is awful!
:Monigue says: don’t blame me, you made it this mor....dear lord!
,Tyler coffee.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: wait a minute, fancy new coffee from a pretty ’urn’ shaped container?
:Tyler says: that’s the one. perhaps we could give the rest to one of your relatives we don’t like.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: one of my relatives!? that’s rich, you stupid bastard! we’re drinking grandma!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Will you love me? '
written by
Dan
the traditional setup
:Monigue says: will you love me when i’m old and wrinkled?
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
the traditional punchline
:Tyler says: of course i do dear.
,Tyler news.,Monique silent.
tyler’s actual answer
:Tyler says: don’t be retarded you slack mole.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We Love You Britney! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: so, how was that jazz cd my cousin gave you?
:Monigue says: i say hello to him once at one of your godawful family gettogethers and he thinks i’m his ticket to stardom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: a regular band will usually play music with instruments. whatever the hell your cousin was doing would be best adopted as an "interrogation" method at guantanamo bay.
:Tyler says: not as good as he says he is, huh?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: hardly. i thought i was listening to a horn and elephant scrotum orgy. naturally, my producer friends loved it.
:Tyler says: naturally.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Odd Charges '
written by
Jeremy
:Monigue says: darling, i was looking over the credit card bills, and i found an unusual charge.
:Tyler says: it wasn’t a hooker!
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i didn’t say it was...
:Tyler says: oh. good! nevermind then.
:Monigue says: you hired a hooker?
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: nah. it’s just porn.
:Monigue says: so we still have to have sex?
:Tyler says: afraid so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dusting '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: this place is so dusty.
:Monigue says: then maybe you should do some dusting.
:Tyler says: i’m not doing dusting. that’s a chick’s job.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Monigue says from offstage: a chick’s job?
:Tyler says: yeah. hey, where are you going?
:Monigue says from offstage: to get a broom.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: oh, good.
:Monigue says from offstage: you better start running.
:Tyler says: ah, fuck
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Birds '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: great tits!
:Monigue says: what?
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: i’m reading an article about birdlife.
:Monigue says: oh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: nice boobies!
:Monigue says: cock!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Quentin Goldman '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’ve been thinking about terri schiavo.
:Monigue says: she’s dead now tyler. just leave her be.
:Tyler says: i was just wondering if the orderlies needed to use vaseline on her like they did uma in ’kill bill.’
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i would not say such things if i were you.
:Tyler says: why not? you can’t hurt me. westley and i are joined by the bonds of love.
:Monigue says: what were we talking about?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' In The Name Of '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m home, late again. you know how aroused these gun nuts get when they’re talking about their collections. honestly, they should be arrested for public lewdness or maybe, indecent dealings with a firearm.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: oh, you’re asleep...on the kitchen table, dead perhaps? hmmm, regular drool patern, still warm, not dead. that’s ok monique, we can play tomorrow.
,Tyler talk.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says from offstage: *uff* time to lay off the donuts girl, we can’t afford an escalator.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Stellar teacup ride '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: if our planet is revolving around the sun plus it’s spinning on it’s axis, doesn’t that mean it’s like a giant tea cup ride like at disney world?
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: well, aren’t we slowing down during the day then doing a ’whip’ at night time?
,Tyler query.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: i don’t think that astronomy works like that. it’s not a stellar theme park ride.
:Tyler says: oh,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: so then it’s the fact that i’m married to you that’s the reason i wake up screaming?
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
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