do you think i’m fat?
well, let me put it this way
when we have sex i imagine princess leia in a gold bikini
and then i imagine that she’s chained to you.
why do we say ’as happy as a clam’?
because they’re always smiling
because they’re not married to you.
you couldn’t let it go, could you?
where has the romance in our relationship gone?
let me think.
it’s not on page seven. let me check page eight.
do you know what happened to my crystal decanter?
do you recall that fight we had?
the one where i got hit in the head with a crystal decanter
what would you do if i had an affair?
i’d build snowmen with joseph stalin.
that makes no sense!
it makes perfect sense. i’d have to be dead...
...and for someone else to sleep with you, hell would be under six feet of snow.
this coffee is awful. taste this.
no thank you.
who made it?
what did you use for a filter? a dirty sock?
your dirty sock, actually. maybe now you will remember to pick up filters after work.
at least it wasn’t your sock.
that was yesterday’s pot.
my dog has no nose.
...you don’t have a dog.
ok then, your dog has no nose.
beware the fetid donkey cheese! it consumes with a hitherto unknown passion for the art of kanly.
beware the wife with the hitherto unknown passion for dropping acid in her husband’s morning coffee.
yo yo yo my skanky ho!
i be keepin it real wit my gangsta homies aight! chilly willy, funky monkey, yo...da. biatch!
i think mr ps2 needs a nice, relaxing coffee bath.
here’s something interesting. today i knocked my ring against a window and i freaked that i’d be blamed for damage, but the window was fine.
in fact, it turns out that the stone in my ring now has a small scratch in it. i thought that diamond was the strongest substance there was.
what do you think that means?
in hindsight i would have bought talc.
am i beginning to lose some of my boyish good looks?
it’s like someone built a car out of ugly sticks,..
,..and then backed it over your head.
oh dear, listen to this poor loser, "naughty girl desperate for good spanking..."
"turn ons: chips, dips, chains and whips. turn offs: candlewax on the nipples."
why is my mobile number printed with the ad?!
happy unbirthday antlered one.
you know, if you were ’on the green’ all day, and you were playing lawn bowls that would be good.
but if you were playing golf, it would be very very bad.
sounds like you’ve been ’on the green’ all day.
remember to make an appointment with your doctor. you need to have that ’growth’ checked.
i’ve asked you before, please don’t call it that. it’s very bad for my libido.
getting better with the knots, i see.
would you ever cast me in one of your movies?
actually, i could use you right now.
lucas is looking for wookies for episode 3 spot filming. you’d be perfect.
we’ll strip you naked and shoot you from the back.
have you ever used a prostitute?
for sex? no!
best not to ask.
did you hear about the new zealand escapee?
he was ’on the lamb’.
i’m a comic genius.
you make, me, laugh.
no, i mean,...
delta’s ventricle is entreated to a show of disparity.
seemingly yellow, chantelle’s sheep flows northward in search of the monkey poet.
the dubiousness of your heritage is plainly evident.
is there any coffee in that scotch?
i’m as jober as sudge, orificer.
do you remember when we were young and couldn’t keep our hands off each other?
scull, scull, scull...
in other news, a 439 car pile up on the freeway has surprisingly produced only one fatality, that of a female commuter.
honey, i’m home.
ah me, dreams dashed upon the rocks of "god thinks he’s a funny prick."
tu n’est qu’un bon a rien. ta vie est un echec.
tout l’espace qu’il y a dans tes pantalons, ca me fait hurler de rire.
je n’ai pas envie de m’arreter.
tu est,.. une,... um,.. le bitchhead!
so you’re saying that your astra is better than my volvo in every single way?
well, yes. my astra goes faster, has better acceleration, is more comfortable, has better handling and has better fuel consumption. it’s better in every single way.
in fact, i could beat you in any type of competition with my astra.
wanna play chicken?
you know maybe you should show me a little more respect, i do work in a gun shop you know?
you’re their accountant!
well,.. have you done your tax yet? there are fines you know?
did you know that the ’cold’ headache that you get when you suck too hard on a slurpee is the same as why people get a pain in their left arm when there’s a problem with their heart? the brain confuses the signals.
does this explain why i get the creeping horrors when you kiss me?
no. that’s because i hate you.
i just want you to know that i felt sooo sexually satisfied last night.
but i came home late from,...
fuck you, my darling!
are you still attracted to me?
when i was little, i lived in a house that had a chimney.
one christmas, i’m pretty sure i heard the chimney say ’no’.
i was thinking of getting a pet.
don’t you like animals?
i married you, didn’t i.