Help me to remember when I'm having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, that it takes:-
42 muscles to frown
28 muscles to smile
And only four muscles to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth

As suspicious as a monk on a nunnery wall at midnight with a jug of sacrimental wine and a box of condoms

Daughter: Dad, have you had a hair cut?

Dad: Yes Several.

What ticks on the wall?


submitted by Kath

You'll remember Kath as the driver in the very first Dad's Joke. Her submission needed some setup. Firstly I discovered that Jesus wore little other than two bedsheets drapped over him. Easy. Then I had to find some sort of crown of thorns. I considered getting a headband and some twigs and wandered around in my mother's back garden. It was here I found a six metre long dead vine, which I coiled and wove together with the offshoots just like people would have done for centuries. It turned out amazingly well.

I organised for my younger sister to be the body but had to wait for her to return from scouts to take the photo. It was at this stage that I realised that a scout uniform would make the whole shot that much better. Sadly she got home and was very sick so I didn't want to push her to hang around taking photos in the cold. I forced my even younger brother from bed and got him to put on his scout uniform. So thank you JB.

I had already contacted Steve to help play Jesus. Steve used to have shoulder length hair to fit the image perfectly but recently had it cut. He was quite hesitant to play the part of the Lord because when he was younger he was a bit scrawny and scruffy and his friends nicknamed him Jesus.

The dense bushland that you see in the background is actually my Dad's front yard. It actually looks less dense than it is in this shot. There is no longer any lawn, it's all ferns and vines. I think I saw pygmies in there once, but they died out when the velociraptors moved in.

A prayer for the stressed

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those that I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.

Do you want anymore pie with your tomato sauce?
(usually accompanied with a nudge in the arm)

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick.

What is the shortest poem in the world?

'Adam had 'em.'

'Dad, are we going straight home?'

'No son, we're going to turn some corners'