i was thinking of getting a pet. a pet? | don’t you like animals? i married you, didn’t i. |
..chickens in choppers, heh-heh. *sniff* *sniff* did you just fart? women don’t fart | mi dispiace signora, did you just break wind? no then what is that god awful smell? | probably the prawns i sewed into your jacket |
the fire of you heart burns cold for my loins yes, my dog’s satay is nubian | when your yoghurt nose twists unfairly, simon melts their face freakishly, bovines know the origin of your honour | mmmmm snozberry |
he’s making a list, and checking it once. | he already knows, that people are cunts! | so you’re doing the christmas shopping today eh? santa claus is gunning, the town. |
you know what i like the most about christmas? mmm? what’s that? | reminding you that you forgot to do your tax. | ’tis the season. |
would you please cook dinner tonight? meh! | oh, i could make a curry. lord no! the last time i ate your curry i passed out from the heat. | it was a korma! it’s pronounced,.. ’coma’! |
*grunt*...jesus fuck my nose! | tyler dear, we’re getting a bit of a line up out here. well learn to cook woman! | happy now? i don’t think van gogh could have painted a better bowl. |
tyler and monique are spending christmas at monique’s parents this year. | it doesn’t go well. nuff said? |
you know the best thing about new zealand? the ruminant rumpy-pumpy. | i’m just saying... | what?! |
it says here that 1 in 4 men dream about murdering their spouses. | do you dream about murdering me? no. really? | i believe the term you’re looking for is "fantasize." |
the car was making a weird noise. it was a kind of ’squeeeeeeee!’ sounds like the fan belt. that shouldn’t be too hard to fix. | actually i don’t think it ’s the fan belt. well the car only makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sounds when the fan belt’s slipped. | no, it also makes a ’squeeeeeeee!’ sound when it slips across the medium strip on it’s roof. |
you know that silk tie i own? the one with the little camels? yes. hypothetically speaking, if i spilt some grease on it i should be able to soak it out using bleach, right? | god, no! it would strip it of all it’s colour. hmmm,.. you know your white silk dress? | i don’t have a white silk dress. i have a red,.. silk,.. dress,... |
i slept terribly last night. why can’t you stay on your side of the bed? my side? | fine, whatever! what side is your side of the bed? | the top side. witch! |
settled on your new years resolutions yet? i’ve decided that i am perfectly fine the way i am. | i actually sort of like you this way. |
i’m still hung over. you’re hung over? i think i tried to drink the dog. | i believe the expression is "hair of the dog." i know. | ew. |
i’m sorry. i got drunk at the party last night and made out with another woman. what?! | if it makes it any better she was a horribly ugly mole with a gross vivid green shirt. vivid green,..?? | you bastard, that was me. oh, now i really do feel sick. |
blast! i dropped my pen. | while you’re down there,.. | ow! |
wow, it says here that 5 out of 6 women dream of cutting off their husband’s manhood and beating him to death with it. | really? oh wait....no, that’s just me. |
so according to this,.. the animal that i am most like would be,... hmm, a slug. hah! yeah, i’d agree with that. | me too. the slug has the largest penis in relation to it’s body size of any animal in the known world. | salt? you can be quite heartless when you want to be, can’t you? |
i’ve had enough of your failure to mow the lawn so i’ve had the whole thing dug up and replaced with a japanese sand garden. so i don’t have to mow any more? no, and i don’t have to complain to you about mowing anymore. | we both win. yes, we both win. | one month later,.. the lawn needs raking into intricate patterns reflecting our current tao. again?!! |
ring ring *click* hi, we can’t come to the phone at the moment because monique is,.. | sucking my very life blood away | tyler? what are you doing? just checking the phone message hon *beeep* |
do you have any pictures of yourself that you don’t need? | we’re making dartboards in anger management class. |
would you like to watch a generic period film? oh, i hate those! why is it that whenever a women coughs, it ends up being the onset of a fatal illness. | what? you watch! a little *caff caff* 20 minutes in and you just know that she’ll be dropped into a hole 60 minutes later. | you have no heart. i mean, don’t these people have vitamin c? eat a frickin’ orange for god’s sake. i wish i could drop you into a hole. |
it says here that ignoring your partner is the most offensive thing you can do, out-ranking ’striking’, ’abusing’ and ’cursing’. |
my herb garden isn’t doing very well. they say that plants benefit from being talked to. | alright you foliage sprouting, root spreading, slut of a weed!!! propergate like the filthy mud stained whore that you are!!! |
hi. umm...hello. | i thought you’d asked the owner of the womb that spawned you to stop spying on us. i did. what makes you think she hasn’t? | well, the pair of false teeth embedded in the windowsill of the upstairs bathroom was a bit of a giveaway. that would explain the loud thud we heard last night. |
so...how’s the invisibility potion then? |
would you please clean the shower recess of the clumps of hair you lose in the morning? it just means i’m more manly. | if you don’t do something about it, i certainly will. if you want to find a way to stop my hair falling out, be my guest. | a few predictable days later. oh god help!! someone replaced my shampoo with superglue and now my head is stuck to the nozzle. oh god!! i can’t turn the cold water off!!!! aiiiiiiiiiiy!!!!! so manly. |
i saw dave today, just a chance meeting in the street. it was surreal, he walked up to me to shake hands and i just drove my fist into his face. his limp body flew backwards and crashed with a sickening thud into the pavement. dear god tyler! he was your best friend. i know, i was horrified myself at the time, right up until i remembered a telling moment in our history. | he introduced us. oh...that’s right...fucker. |
do you believe in ghosts? do i...you’re joking right? isn’t that a part of the ’getting to know you’ phase of the relationship? how long have we been married? have i been mistaken in the belief that our ’honeymoon’ phase is looong over? you know what would be better than this? double shots of absinth...yeah...fuck yeah! | i only ask, as i was passing the liquor cabinet earlier and i thought i saw a ghost holding a donkey up on high, ready to beat the next person to come near said cabinet with said donkey. i just wanted a second opinion as to whether or not i was going mad. my dog has no nose! beware! | man this shit be good...i see donkeys! right, not going mad. the pain!!!! |