Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' You can’t pick your family’s nose. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
:Tyler says: my brother-in-law?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: yeah, you know who.
:Tyler says: voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
:Tyler says from offstage: no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hotdogs '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: hotdogs for dinner!!
:Monigue says: chicken hotdogs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hot chicken?
:Monigue says: chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hot pigs?
:Monigue says: you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
:Tyler says: *gaspie*
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Lick Me! All of You! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *cough* *cough* *hurk*
:Monigue says: tyler, are you ok?
:Tyler says from offstage: just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
:Tyler says from offstage: *hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
:Monigue says: ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cats '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
:Tyler says: but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: we should start a business that sells cat furs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: that is,.. a horrible idea.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To have and to hold. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
:Monigue says: oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
:Tyler says: ... especially your neck.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: my neck?
:Tyler says: shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
:Tyler says: i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' For better or for worse. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
:Monigue says: yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
:Tyler says: what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
snap
:Monigue says: they just don’t make toys like they used to.
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' For richer, for poorer. '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! 4. 8. 15. 16. 23 and 42 make up tonight’s lotto numbers.
:Tyler says: holy snapping duck shit! we’re rich!
:Monigue says: we have to get drunk ... immediately.
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
the next morning...
:Monigue says: woo *urg* hoo. go to the bank and check our balance.
:Tyler says from offstage: away!
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: huzzah! i have returned, with a wise investment. behold!
magic beans!
:Monigue says: sweet jesus no! tell me you didn’t spend all our money on beans.
:Tyler says: what price can you put on magic beans, monique? they got the house as well.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' In sickness and in health. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: the birds are singing, the sun is shining, it’s another wonderful day.
:Monigue says: are we on the ’happy’ suppositories today?
:Tyler says: getting there is half the fun.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: you don’t look too good. would you like me to drive you to work?
:Monigue says: actually yes, that would be nice, thanks. i haven’t been feeling too good since some ’actress’ bit me yesterday after i told her she was a "no-talent slut." i’ll just get my things.
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
:Monigue says from offstage: braiiiiiiiiiinssss!
:Tyler says from offstage: you get the fuck away from me!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To love and to cherish. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: when we are old and grey, how would you like to remember our marriage?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: i would like to be able to remember all the good times, reflect upon how we loved and cherished one another.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hoping the nursing home will pump you full of hallucinogens, eh?
:Monigue says: if they want to get paid they will.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Until death do us part. '
written by
Goatlord
bang
bang
bang
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
bang
click
click
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: goddamnit! you out?
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah.
:Monigue says from offstage: well, we tried, i guess we’re stuck with each other. you’d think one of us would have gotten in a lucky shot though.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Urban Legends '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: did you hear the story about the woman who was so fat and heavy that she set off a spring loaded trap and it failed completely?
:Monigue says: i’ve never heard that urban myth
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
sproing!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
aaaaaagh!!
:Tyler says: myth,..
busted!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Urban Legend 2 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you’ve heard that story about the guy who’s drugged and wakes up in a bath full of ice and his kidneys are missing?
:Monigue says: oh, that story gave me nightmares.
,Tyler query.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: a very similar thing happened to me when i was working at the donor organ clinic.
:Monigue says: mmm?
:Tyler says: only, i was drinking my 18th scotch on the rocks when i passed out. when i woke up, i was in a bathtub full of kidneys,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: *sigh*
:Tyler says: and all my ice had gone.
:Tyler says: have you ever tried drinking warm scotch? it was horrifying.
,Tyler shock.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Voodoo '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: hey monique! you know voodoo dolls? well i just managed to cast a voodoo spell on a scale replica of the city of new orleans.
:Monigue says: fascinating
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: and the best bit is, that it’s entirely covered in teflon. i just need to hose it off and it’s as good as new.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: voodoo, yeesh! like that would ever work.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To bleed, or not to bleed. '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i eat the flesh of babies, i store their souls in bottles...
:Monigue says: yeha.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: usually, i’ll wash it down with the blood of kittens...
:Monigue says: that’s nice.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i love you.
:Monigue says: what!?!?!
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bah Ram Ewe '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: heh.
:Tyler says: hmm?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: pussy.
:Tyler says: huh?
:Monigue says: pussy.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i don’t get it.
:Monigue says: and you never will.
:Tyler says: classy.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arnhem eh? '
written by
Dan
television blares! remember you promised to give the stars to me, hajiki
:Monigue says: oh lord, not more anime!!
:Tyler says from offstage: it’s pronounced ah-nih-meh
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i can’t believe you enjoy that girlish nonsense.
:Tyler says from offstage: girlish!!??
:Monigue says: yeah! my god! if ’neighbours’ had killer robots you’d probably watch that too.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: in my opinion, the only things that would improve that show are killer robots.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Scooby '
written by
Dan
television blares! well, strange old scientist, my friends and our dog ’scooby’ are planning on spending the night in the old abandoned hologram factory.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
television blares! the hologram factory? why, you don’t want to go there. that place is haunted.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: these new episodes of ’scooby doo’ are very, very predictable
:Tyler says from offstage: don’t tell me!!
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pole Position '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you think i could be a successful pole dancer?
:Tyler says: what? that’s ridiculous,.. you’re not polish
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i meant a table top dancer.
:Tyler says: hey!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: people have to eat off there. don’t even joke about a thing like that.
:Monigue says: it’s going to be hard to dance around a pole that’s wrapped around your pointy little head.
:Tyler says: i recognise this song.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Off-Key '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: *sigh*
:Monigue says: what’s up?
:Tyler says: somebody quayed my car.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: what’s the problem? that sort of stuff will just buff right out. you’ve got the stuff in your garage.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: they didn’t ’key’ my car, they dropped it in the bay.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sky Written '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: did you hear that jamie wrote his wife’s name in the sky for their anniversary?
:Tyler says: big deal! i’ve done that for you before.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i said ’sky’,.. not ’snow’.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: same thing. they’re both very elemental.
:Monigue says: i still get dirty looks when i go to that indoor ski slope.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Errors '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ,..well, you’re a festering boil on the arse of humanity,..
database addressing error,..
,Tyler silent.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: okay jon, i won’t eat the lasanga
:Monigue says: that’s a good cat
,Tyler query.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: munch munch munch
:Monigue says: oh, i hate mondays
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Built for Pirates '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: arrr, me land lubbin’ wench. though a fine one it be, what be you doin’ buyin’ fer ye’self a new car?
:Monigue says: *sigh*
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: my boss thought it would be a good idea to park his disgustingly large humvee on top of my astra. after i returned his testicles, he hired a new mercedes r-class for me to drive whilst he has my car repaired.
:Tyler says: arrrrrr!
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: oh, i see, very clever dear.
:Tyler says: r341i53 /\/\y 1337 c0mic 5ki11z!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Anal '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: my boss said he wanted to lick my anus.
:Tyler says: what?!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: he’d better have been joking!
:Monigue says: oh, yes,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: he said it was all tongue in cheek.
:Tyler says: what!!??
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nuts To You! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: *burp*
:Tyler says: woah, must be my nuts coming up.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: cashews, i had some cashews earlier. filthy girl.
:Monigue says: uh-huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: there’s a joke somewhere in there about your balls having never dropped but to be quite honest, i couldn’t be stuffed.
:Tyler says: rude.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' D.U.I - Dumb Under Influence '
written by
Stumpybear
phone says! phone says! phone says!
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! hello, is this the tyler-monique residence?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: unfortunately.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! we need you to come collect your intoxicated husband from the local police station.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! he was found asking a tree for sex, and claiming to be "the lizard queen".
:Monigue says from offstage: *sigh* again? i’ll bring the cage...
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Technological Convenience '
written by
Goatlord
phone says!
:Tyler says: hello? am i comin’ to practice? fo’ shizzle s-bear. ’cow man 7’ will ride again!
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah, i’m walking. we just got these new cordless phones. they can be used anywhere in the house, they’re great.
:Monigue says: tyler don’t take it in there ... tyler!
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says from offstage: ahhh. where am i now? let’s just say it’s a relief to have access to such a technological convenience. s-bear?
:Tyler says from offstage: monique, i just lost my call. i don’t think the phones work in here.
:Monigue says: oh, i’m sure they do ... grot.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Peek-A-Boo '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i think our house is haunted.
:Monigue says: too much tv for you, young man.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: no, seriously. something keeps turning things off.
:Monigue says: like what?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: well, first it turned off my sex life, then my love for you, then my will to live.
:Monigue says: now it just has to turn off your mouth.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Weapons of Mass Distraction '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: we should go on holidays...to somewhere maybe in europe.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: now why should we do that?? sounds like a waste of money to me!
:Monigue says: it says here that paris has the best nude beaches in the world.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’ll get the keys!
:Monigue says: i knew you would see it my way.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Society is to Blame '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: "fur is murder," right?
:Monigue says: yes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: what if i was to remove and wear the skins of people who buy fur? is that murder?
:Monigue says: generally speaking, yes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: oh, that’s no fun.
:Monigue says: ’fraid not.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Electric '
written by
Dan
bzzzzttttt!!!
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaaarrgh!!!!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: diiiiid,... yoouuuuu,... earth,.... miiiiiy,... hair-dryeeeerrr,.. afteeeeeer,.. yoooooou,.... rewirreed,... it,...?
:Tyler says: yes, of course.
:Monigue says from offstage: whaaaaaat,... wiiiiith??
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: my wife.
:Monigue says from offstage: shuuut,... iiit,... ooooff,.. yoooou,.. priiiiick !!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
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