Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Be My Victim '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
helen?
:Tyler says from offstage: she’s downstairs big guy.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
it’s always been you helen.
:Monigue says from offstage: bastard!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ringu '
written by
Goatlord
phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says!
:Tyler says from offstage: monique! what’s the big idea swapping some arty farty video with my favourite cheerleader movie?!
:Monigue says: moi?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says!
:Tyler says from offstage: yes you! why don’t you do something useful and answer the phone!
:Monigue says: i think you’ll find it’s for you dear.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: fine! whatever!
:Tyler says from offstage: hello? yes. what?!
oh, you muthafu...
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ancient ramblings of a disenchanted youth. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: donkeys are by far the best source of vitamin q the world has ever seen. i know this because my family has been breeding donkeys for the past 17 generations.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: phantasms eat regularly to help keep those annoying monkey burgers at bay. remember what they say, "a monkey burger a day, helps keep the giraffes from eating your small intestines while you sleep."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: lazy!
,Tyler silent.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A handy self affirmation. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: when i lick the noodles of my mind, i immediately understand life. i become life. to lick the noodles of my mind is to understand perfection as seen from the lickable noodles of my mind. i lick therefore i am.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: reform no other before me, i am as the wind through the undergarments of life. i am the undergarments of life. i blow therefore i lick therefore i am. so it is written, so shall it be, forever more.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: ah-monkey.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Now, you are Mine! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i want your soul.
:Tyler says: my soul? i don’t think so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you wanted to marry me, you wanted my love. i gave you my love as you gave me yours. your love is mine, and no others. i want your soul!
:Tyler says: my soul is my own. without it, i am not me. how may i freely give my love to you if i am... not?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i want your soul!
:Tyler says: i...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Handling '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.
:Tyler says: i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: supermarket trolley wheels!
:Tyler says: supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.
:Monigue says: that was me.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: no shit!
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Competition '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! hi there, is this tyler?
:Tyler says from offstage: yes? who’s this?
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! erm,..
:Tyler says from offstage: don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! *click*
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m going out sweetie.
:Monigue says: aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Werewolf '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.
:Tyler says: it’d be the perfect scam.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: fucking hairdressers
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Puck-er up '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i wonder if the olympics will make "tonsil hockey" a national sport...
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: at least you already know you suck.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
goal!
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tackle Happy '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says from offstage: teehee! when monique is away, tyler will play...or in this case, download some porn!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says from offstage: 2%...2%...2%...
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler! i’m home; to wreck your fun!
:Tyler says from offstage: *sigh* this is going to be a long night.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' nkMyeo aigtnE. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i ofudn a edr nep no het lofor. si it uyors?
:Monigue says: no.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: ho, ko hetn.
:Monigue says: are you feeling ok? you sound a little off.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i elfe nfie. hwy do uyo ska?
:Monigue says: no reason.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Crouching Woman, Burning Sensation '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i hate you...
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: murmuring to yourself again? you know, a few broken ribs could change your feelings for me.
:Tyler says: yes, but a few less ribs would rid my need of you anyway.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: when your neck breaks, can i pawn your kidneys?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pipe '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: imagine if i got a piece of pvc piping and i got it to follow me around constantly.
:Monigue says: and?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well, then i’d have a led pipe.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: doyagetit?
doyagetit?
:Monigue says: you’re going to get it.
:Monigue says: man, i wish i had a lead pipe
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' TICK! '
written by
Dan
tick!
:Monigue says: what the hell is that noise?
tick!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
tick!
:Tyler says: i was just doing what you asked for!
tick!
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
tick!
:Monigue says: you misheard me! i said "i wish you had a bigger,..."
tick!
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cows With Guns '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: it’s during times like these, i wish i had a tactical nuclear device.
:Monigue says: uh-huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: oh, absolutely. i could achieve so much--
:Monigue says: --for yourself.
:Tyler says: of course.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: it’s a pity i’m the one with the tactical nuclear device then, isn’t it?
:Tyler says: bah!
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A murder of Crowe '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: apple i-store has a function where you can find celebrities and their favorite playlists. it gives you a bit of an insight into their personalities.
:Monigue says: sounds interesting.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i had a look at russell crowe’s. do you know what’s number one in russell crowe’s playlist? his own crap song that he’s trying to promote.
:Monigue says: what a wanker!
:Tyler says: what,... a,... wanker!
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
no punchline. just wanted to point out that russell crowe is a wanker.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Funk Yeah! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
:Monigue says: what on earth are you doing?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: is it wrong to enjoy your own funk? i am enjoying my own funk.
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
:Monigue says from offstage: *hurk*
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fly my Pretties! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: have you ever wondered how many donkeys it would take to raise the titanic?
:Monigue says: i can’t say that i have, no. am i right to assume these donkeys would be "pining for the fjords"?
:Tyler says: unless you know of a special breed of underwater donkey?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it turns out that when the body of a donkey decays, it produces and retains far more gas than any other creature.
:Tyler says: this is why donkey farmers have to puncture and bury any dead ones they find because they become hazards to low flying aircraft.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: do you ever get bored of speaking shit 24/7?
:Tyler says: what? no, it’s all true. we’ll be rich! maybe we could get some from your uncle. he’s into donkeys isn’t he?
:Monigue says: in a manner of speaking.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' You can’t pick your family’s nose. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
:Tyler says: my brother-in-law?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: yeah, you know who.
:Tyler says: voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
:Tyler says from offstage: no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hotdogs '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: hotdogs for dinner!!
:Monigue says: chicken hotdogs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hot chicken?
:Monigue says: chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hot pigs?
:Monigue says: you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
:Tyler says: *gaspie*
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Lick Me! All of You! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *cough* *cough* *hurk*
:Monigue says: tyler, are you ok?
:Tyler says from offstage: just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
:Tyler says from offstage: *hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
:Monigue says: ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cats '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
:Tyler says: but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: we should start a business that sells cat furs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: that is,.. a horrible idea.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To have and to hold. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
:Monigue says: oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
:Tyler says: ... especially your neck.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: my neck?
:Tyler says: shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
:Tyler says: i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' For better or for worse. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
:Monigue says: yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
:Tyler says: what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
snap
:Monigue says: they just don’t make toys like they used to.
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' For richer, for poorer. '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! 4. 8. 15. 16. 23 and 42 make up tonight’s lotto numbers.
:Tyler says: holy snapping duck shit! we’re rich!
:Monigue says: we have to get drunk ... immediately.
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
the next morning...
:Monigue says: woo *urg* hoo. go to the bank and check our balance.
:Tyler says from offstage: away!
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: huzzah! i have returned, with a wise investment. behold!
magic beans!
:Monigue says: sweet jesus no! tell me you didn’t spend all our money on beans.
:Tyler says: what price can you put on magic beans, monique? they got the house as well.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' In sickness and in health. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: the birds are singing, the sun is shining, it’s another wonderful day.
:Monigue says: are we on the ’happy’ suppositories today?
:Tyler says: getting there is half the fun.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: you don’t look too good. would you like me to drive you to work?
:Monigue says: actually yes, that would be nice, thanks. i haven’t been feeling too good since some ’actress’ bit me yesterday after i told her she was a "no-talent slut." i’ll just get my things.
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
:Monigue says from offstage: braiiiiiiiiiinssss!
:Tyler says from offstage: you get the fuck away from me!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To love and to cherish. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: when we are old and grey, how would you like to remember our marriage?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: i would like to be able to remember all the good times, reflect upon how we loved and cherished one another.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hoping the nursing home will pump you full of hallucinogens, eh?
:Monigue says: if they want to get paid they will.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Until death do us part. '
written by
Goatlord
bang
bang
bang
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
bang
click
click
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: goddamnit! you out?
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah.
:Monigue says from offstage: well, we tried, i guess we’re stuck with each other. you’d think one of us would have gotten in a lucky shot though.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Urban Legends '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: did you hear the story about the woman who was so fat and heavy that she set off a spring loaded trap and it failed completely?
:Monigue says: i’ve never heard that urban myth
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
sproing!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
aaaaaagh!!
:Tyler says: myth,..
busted!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Urban Legend 2 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you’ve heard that story about the guy who’s drugged and wakes up in a bath full of ice and his kidneys are missing?
:Monigue says: oh, that story gave me nightmares.
,Tyler query.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: a very similar thing happened to me when i was working at the donor organ clinic.
:Monigue says: mmm?
:Tyler says: only, i was drinking my 18th scotch on the rocks when i passed out. when i woke up, i was in a bathtub full of kidneys,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: *sigh*
:Tyler says: and all my ice had gone.
:Tyler says: have you ever tried drinking warm scotch? it was horrifying.
,Tyler shock.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Voodoo '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: hey monique! you know voodoo dolls? well i just managed to cast a voodoo spell on a scale replica of the city of new orleans.
:Monigue says: fascinating
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: and the best bit is, that it’s entirely covered in teflon. i just need to hose it off and it’s as good as new.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: voodoo, yeesh! like that would ever work.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To bleed, or not to bleed. '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i eat the flesh of babies, i store their souls in bottles...
:Monigue says: yeha.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: usually, i’ll wash it down with the blood of kittens...
:Monigue says: that’s nice.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i love you.
:Monigue says: what!?!?!
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bah Ram Ewe '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: heh.
:Tyler says: hmm?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: pussy.
:Tyler says: huh?
:Monigue says: pussy.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i don’t get it.
:Monigue says: and you never will.
:Tyler says: classy.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Arnhem eh? '
written by
Dan
television blares! remember you promised to give the stars to me, hajiki
:Monigue says: oh lord, not more anime!!
:Tyler says from offstage: it’s pronounced ah-nih-meh
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i can’t believe you enjoy that girlish nonsense.
:Tyler says from offstage: girlish!!??
:Monigue says: yeah! my god! if ’neighbours’ had killer robots you’d probably watch that too.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: in my opinion, the only things that would improve that show are killer robots.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Scooby '
written by
Dan
television blares! well, strange old scientist, my friends and our dog ’scooby’ are planning on spending the night in the old abandoned hologram factory.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
television blares! the hologram factory? why, you don’t want to go there. that place is haunted.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: these new episodes of ’scooby doo’ are very, very predictable
:Tyler says from offstage: don’t tell me!!
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pole Position '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: do you think i could be a successful pole dancer?
:Tyler says: what? that’s ridiculous,.. you’re not polish
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i meant a table top dancer.
:Tyler says: hey!
,Tyler shock.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: people have to eat off there. don’t even joke about a thing like that.
:Monigue says: it’s going to be hard to dance around a pole that’s wrapped around your pointy little head.
:Tyler says: i recognise this song.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Off-Key '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: *sigh*
:Monigue says: what’s up?
:Tyler says: somebody quayed my car.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: what’s the problem? that sort of stuff will just buff right out. you’ve got the stuff in your garage.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: they didn’t ’key’ my car, they dropped it in the bay.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sky Written '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: did you hear that jamie wrote his wife’s name in the sky for their anniversary?
:Tyler says: big deal! i’ve done that for you before.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i said ’sky’,.. not ’snow’.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: same thing. they’re both very elemental.
:Monigue says: i still get dirty looks when i go to that indoor ski slope.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Errors '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: ,..well, you’re a festering boil on the arse of humanity,..
database addressing error,..
,Tyler silent.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: okay jon, i won’t eat the lasanga
:Monigue says: that’s a good cat
,Tyler query.,Monique guilty.
:Tyler says: munch munch munch
:Monigue says: oh, i hate mondays
,Tyler guilty.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Built for Pirates '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: arrr, me land lubbin’ wench. though a fine one it be, what be you doin’ buyin’ fer ye’self a new car?
:Monigue says: *sigh*
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: my boss thought it would be a good idea to park his disgustingly large humvee on top of my astra. after i returned his testicles, he hired a new mercedes r-class for me to drive whilst he has my car repaired.
:Tyler says: arrrrrr!
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: oh, i see, very clever dear.
:Tyler says: r341i53 /\/\y 1337 c0mic 5ki11z!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Anal '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: my boss said he wanted to lick my anus.
:Tyler says: what?!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: he’d better have been joking!
:Monigue says: oh, yes,..
,Tyler talk.,Monique guilty.
:Monigue says: he said it was all tongue in cheek.
:Tyler says: what!!??
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nuts To You! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: *burp*
:Tyler says: woah, must be my nuts coming up.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: cashews, i had some cashews earlier. filthy girl.
:Monigue says: uh-huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: there’s a joke somewhere in there about your balls having never dropped but to be quite honest, i couldn’t be stuffed.
:Tyler says: rude.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' D.U.I - Dumb Under Influence '
written by
Stumpybear
phone says! phone says! phone says!
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! hello, is this the tyler-monique residence?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: unfortunately.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! we need you to come collect your intoxicated husband from the local police station.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! he was found asking a tree for sex, and claiming to be "the lizard queen".
:Monigue says from offstage: *sigh* again? i’ll bring the cage...
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Technological Convenience '
written by
Goatlord
phone says!
:Tyler says: hello? am i comin’ to practice? fo’ shizzle s-bear. ’cow man 7’ will ride again!
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: yeah, i’m walking. we just got these new cordless phones. they can be used anywhere in the house, they’re great.
:Monigue says: tyler don’t take it in there ... tyler!
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says from offstage: ahhh. where am i now? let’s just say it’s a relief to have access to such a technological convenience. s-bear?
:Tyler says from offstage: monique, i just lost my call. i don’t think the phones work in here.
:Monigue says: oh, i’m sure they do ... grot.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Peek-A-Boo '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i think our house is haunted.
:Monigue says: too much tv for you, young man.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: no, seriously. something keeps turning things off.
:Monigue says: like what?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: well, first it turned off my sex life, then my love for you, then my will to live.
:Monigue says: now it just has to turn off your mouth.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Weapons of Mass Distraction '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: we should go on holidays...to somewhere maybe in europe.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: now why should we do that?? sounds like a waste of money to me!
:Monigue says: it says here that paris has the best nude beaches in the world.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’ll get the keys!
:Monigue says: i knew you would see it my way.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Society is to Blame '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: "fur is murder," right?
:Monigue says: yes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: what if i was to remove and wear the skins of people who buy fur? is that murder?
:Monigue says: generally speaking, yes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: oh, that’s no fun.
:Monigue says: ’fraid not.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Electric '
written by
Dan
bzzzzttttt!!!
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaaarrgh!!!!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: diiiiid,... yoouuuuu,... earth,.... miiiiiy,... hair-dryeeeerrr,.. afteeeeeer,.. yoooooou,.... rewirreed,... it,...?
:Tyler says: yes, of course.
:Monigue says from offstage: whaaaaaat,... wiiiiith??
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: my wife.
:Monigue says from offstage: shuuut,... iiit,... ooooff,.. yoooou,.. priiiiick !!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Joss Whedon is my Master Now '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: serenity comes out tomorrow. glee!
:Monigue says: didn’t you mention your boss wanted you to stay back late tomorrow to finish off those tps reports?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: fuck.
,Tyler shock.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: fuck!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Chilli Sauce '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: chilli sauce!!
:Monigue says: why are you so excited about,...
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: *cough* *gag* *cough!*
,Tyler silent.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says from offstage: aaaaaaaagh!!!!!
:Tyler says: chilli sauce!!!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Chilled Monkey Brains '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i crave the flesh of humans!
:Tyler says: wha... cravings?! oh no! monique, you’re not pregnant are you?!
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i am not monique. i am unicron, devourer of worlds. i crave the flesh of humans!
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: aaaaaaaaaahhhh .... hey, wait a minute...
:Monigue says: tool.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Time Travel '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: *puff* *gasp*
:Monigue says: what’s with you?
:Tyler says: i just travelled back from the past where i killed your grandfather before he could conceive you.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: by the way, it turns out, your grandma’s a slut.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' The name of the game. '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says from offstage: wow! it says here on e! news live that george w. bush is going to marry paris hilton.
:Monigue says: everything on that show is made up and only stupid people believe them.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: lies! you speak lies!
:Monigue says: did you know the network is changing the show’s name to gullible! news live.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: what?! but the name makes up 50% of the show!
:Monigue says: i rest my case.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Silence is Golden '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: nope, this blows.
:Monigue says: i was enjoying it.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Up, Up & PDA! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: tyler! if you don’t get up soon, you’ll be late for work.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m sleeping in. i don’t feel like going in today.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: you bastard! you’ve been messing with my pda again, it’s saturday!
:Tyler says from offstage: heh.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' At you, not with you. '
written by
Goatlord
ha ha ha
ha ha ha
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique headinhands.
:Tyler says: then they asked-
:Monigue says: -when we were having kids, i know!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique slygrin.
ha ha ha
ha ha ha
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Zoom '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: agh!! jesus!! what the hell is that??!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says from offstage: i replaced the old dvd player.
:Monigue says: but,. wha,.. so??!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says from offstage: this one has a zoom function!!
:Monigue says: eeeewwwww!!!!
:Tyler says from offstage: and i thought it was big before,..
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bowls '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i played lawn bowls with my friends last night.
:Tyler says: how do you play that one?
:Monigue says: you have to try to roll your weighted bowl and get it closest to the jack.
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i’ve played a game like that,..
:Monigue says: mmmm,...
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: except that you had to get your "jack" closest to the,...
:Monigue says from offstage: leaving now!!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hauling Urine '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: "my dog stains are in you thanking"?!
:Tyler says: what the hell does that even mean? i’m sure the ’translators’ are just pulling the piss.
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: pulling the piss?
:Tyler says: y’know: having a lend; pulling your leg; to come a wry one?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: and what language are you translating that from?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Signs '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: why the hell is there a pentagram sculpted in the sand garden?
:Tyler says: i was trying to summon a demon of hell to serve my earthly desires.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: an excellent use of a saturday afternoon.
:Monigue says: speaking of which, did you do the washing up like i asked you?
,Tyler news.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says from offstage: finished!!
:Tyler says: yup.
,Tyler news.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' PSP: Part Un '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: mmm, i just spent an afternoon playing burnout: revenge with s-bear. so very cool.
:Monigue says: why can’t you have any grown up hobbies? video games are for children.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hmmm? yes. i was going to get a psp but the graphics for the xbox were great. conundrum!
:Tyler says: but of course! there is a version of burnout available for the psp. my peepee senses are tingling!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: don’t you mean your psp senses?
:Tyler says: psp senses? don’t be daft.
:Monigue says: ew ... why do i bother?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' PSP: Part Deux '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: tyler, you’ve been spending a lot of time on that psp of yours.
:Tyler says: revenge! ... mm?
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: quick question: what does your psp and your pp have in common?
:Tyler says: whoopah!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: they’re both handheld and fit easily inside my purse.
:Tyler says: reven... what?!
,Tyler query.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Made, from cheese! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: behold! through meditation i have achieved enlightenment. my consciousness rose to the highest of planes; i basked in its glory, and found that it was cheese.
:Monigue says: meditate, you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: the experience was akin to floating in a giant fondue, filled with infinity.
:Monigue says: i thought you said it was made from-
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: yes, and in this highest of realms, infinity itself, is
made, from cheese!
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A Leaf on the Wind '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: they killed wash.
,Tyler shock.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: so, you didn’t like serenity?
,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: best movie ever!
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Actors '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: he’s so dreamy,..
:Tyler says: why, thank you.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: not you! ash mccloud from that new show.
:Tyler says: you know, he’s not a real actor,.. he just plays one on tv.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: you heard me.
,Tyler news.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A Brief History of Shut-the-Hell-Up '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i just finished stephen hawking’s a brief history of time. i was surprised at how much i thought i understood.
:Tyler says: the guy in the wheelchair who dumped his loyal wife and shacked up with a hot nurse? funny.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: please, let us bypass the adult conversation and head directly to the childish banter.
:Tyler says: sure, ok.
:Monigue says: you’re just jealous that you could never pick up women as hot as the ones a guy with motor neuron disease can.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: ha ha, you said ... *sigh*
:Monigue says: ass.
:Tyler says: so, what was this "adult conversation" thing you mentioned earlier?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' You want lies with that? '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: in saudi arabia, did you know that it is legal to skin your neighbour’s children if they cannot recite the entirety of the koran on command?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: you are such a liar.
:Tyler says: am not.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: are so.
:Tyler says: uh-ah.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cheep Gag '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i see you bought yourself the alfred hitchcock collection.
:Tyler says: i watched psycho. it gave me some great ideas.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: ho ho ho. well, as fun as this is, don’t you have work?
:Tyler says: good point, i’m going,.. heh,. hitch cock!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i wonder if he’ll realise which movie i got my ideas from when he discovers i’ve sewn bird seed into his pants lining.
:Tyler says from offstage: ieeeeeyyyyy!!!! not a worm,.. not a worm!!!
:Monigue says: heh,.. cock,..
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Please support DSF day. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: what’s today?
:Tyler says: you do not know?!
,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: i was thinking tuesday but it could be wednesday, it kinda feels like a wednesday to me.
:Tyler says: how can she not know?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: dear child, let me break this to you gently, today is
devour simian foeti day!
i think there’s an arm band or something.
:Monigue says from offstage: nope, the calendar says it’s a tuesday.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Deliver Ants '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: tyler, i want to move. brisbane no longer does it for me, the idiocy rate is unacceptably high.
:Tyler says: i think you’ll find there’s quite a bit of that going ’round lately.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: how about naples or perhaps chamonix? they’re supposed to be wonderful all year.
:Tyler says: yes but they’re full of foreigners.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: fine, what about tasmania? it’s still part of australia.
:Tyler says: we do have the same last name i suppose.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Alcohol: Breakfast of Champions '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: happy birfday to me. happy birfday to me. happy birfday dear ... meeeeeeee. happy birfday to me. woooooo!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: what the ... tyler, it’s only 7am and you’re already three sheets to the wind!
:Tyler says: ish ma birfday.
:Monigue says: fine! happy birthday. i’m off to work.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: eeexcelent. ish now time for the watching of da boobies and wearing of frozen cupcakes upon the forehead.
lick my frozen monkey nodules!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' GTA: Tales from Dickheadsville '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: the pain!
:Monigue says: what happened to you?
:Tyler says: i was riding my bicycle down the street, playing my psp, the next thing i know i’m lying flat on my back and my face hurts.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you were involved in an accident because you were doing something dumb? interesting.
:Tyler says: i wasn’t involved in the crash. the guy who swerved off the road chased me down and punched me.
:Monigue says: i ... when did you get a bicycle?
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i forgot where i parked my car so i had to walk home. there was a bicycle chained up outside the school that no one was using so...
:Tyler says: oh, like you wouldn’t have done the same.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Suck '
written by
Dan
shouuk! shouuk!
shouuk! shouuk!
slam!
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: your turn,.. don’t you want to know what i’ve been doing?
:Monigue says: i’ve stopped asking about the horrifying noises that come from the bathroom when you’re in there. anyway, i need to shower.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
whoooosh!!
:Monigue says from offstage: my clothes!!
:Tyler says: if you’d asked i could have told you how much effort it is to create a vacuum in a room of the house.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Broken China '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know what i hate about the chinese?
:Monigue says: would it be obtuse of me to guess that you’re reflecting on their constant violation of human rights within their culture?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: sushi.
:Monigue says: *sigh* i imagine it’s probably impossible to dissuade you from your own personal reality.
:Tyler says: i mean, yuck! raw fish,.. gross!
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: and what’s with that nintendo crap?
:Monigue says: and that would be my cue to stop listening now
:Tyler says: that ’mario’ guy, he’s not even chinese.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wife Beating '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: i was just talking to my friend megan. that bastard clive has been beating her up. there’s really nothing worse than someone who gets drunk and abusive.
:Tyler says: well,...
:Monigue says: oh please don’t tell me you’re about to defend this.
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: well, at least if he’s drunk and abusive he’d miss more often.
:Monigue says: more often than what?
:Tyler says: than if he was just abusive.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: what are you doing?
:Monigue says from offstage: having a drink.
:Tyler says: that’s a lot of vodka for this time of morning.
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' This man is a dentist... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: aargh! dear lord! the pain!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: the fan tore my face off!
:Monigue says: my god! how?
:Tyler says: i put my head in it.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
:Monigue says: of course dear. would you like me to call for an ambulance?
:Tyler says: if it’s not too much trouble.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Staring Competition '
written by
Goatlord
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: cheat! no eye gouging!
:Monigue says: booyah!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ticket '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i need to borrow $5 for a lottery ticket.
:Monigue says: *sigh* okay, but on one condition. if you win, you have to take me on a sailing trip around the world.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: stuck on a boat for months at a time with only you for company?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: thank god the odds are 8 million to one.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Great Ass '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says from offstage: woohoo! touch down!
:Monigue says: quiet, pea brain.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: don’t interrupt me during the big game!!...woman...
:Monigue says: what big game? there’s no football on tonight...
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says from offstage: you idiot, that’s netball.
:Tyler says from offstage: what?! but...ohh, so the ga jersey doesn’t stand for great arse?
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: excuse me horse, do you speak?
:Tyler says from offstage: *neigh*
:Tyler says from offstage: i thought not.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says from offstage: hahahahahaha
hahahahahaha!
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: hahahahaha
hahahahaha!
i kill me.
:Monigue says: who the hell are you talking to?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I KILL JOO! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says from offstage: pxe-e61 error! what the fuck is a pxe-e61 error?!
:Tyler says: i believe that’s the message you receive when your bios is set to boot to a lan.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: how...? whatever. ok, that’s fixed.
:Tyler says: right, just reboot the computer and everything should be back to normal.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: i can’t believe i’m taking advice on computers from ... pxe-mof error?!
:Tyler says: a pxe-mof error? ooo, i’m just going down the pub for an hour ... or seven.
:Monigue says from offstage: fucker!
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Listen '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: listen!!
:Monigue says: i don’t hear anything.
:Tyler says: exactly
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: ninjas!!
:Tyler says: ninjas!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique shock.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wrecks '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: good gravy!!
:Tyler says: in your kitchen? doubtful.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: funny!
:Monigue says: it says here that rex hunt was bashed and left for dead an a street in byron bay.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: maybe he got caught kissing someone else’s fish.
:Monigue says: yibbida yibbida
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Breeding '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know,..?
:Monigue says: uh oh.
:Tyler says: dog breeding supports keeping bloodlines pure. making sure that there’s daschunds and terriers and bassett hounds?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: yes?
:Tyler says: and this is considered normal?
:Monigue says: yeeees?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: but when hitler does it, it’s bad?
:Monigue says: i gotta get out
:Tyler says: talk about a ’german’ shepherd
,Tyler query.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Smelly Fingers '
written by
Goatlord
kshhht
:Tyler says: what the hell did you just spray on my hand?!
:Monigue says: just a special formula that detects if the wearer is about to partake of any crudely disguised libation.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: pffft! sure.
:Tyler says: gah! you sprayed girly deodorant on my drinking hand! i cannot drink again!
,Tyler coffee.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: noooooooooooo!
just kill me now!
:Monigue says: you could just change hands, doofus.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Knockers '
written by
Dan
knock knock!
knock knock!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
knock knock!
knock knock!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler? are you in there? let me in!!
:Tyler says: and negate all my hard work grinding the teeth off your house keys? no, i don’t think so.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A Profitable Exchange '
written by
Goatlord
monday
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler! your new dog shat in my best shoes ... again!
:Tyler says: heh-heh.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
wednesday
:Monigue says from offstage: you little bastard! once more dog and i’ll sell you to the butcher!
:Tyler says: puppies will be puppies, monique.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
friday
:Tyler says: where’d you get the money for new earrings? i thought you were broke.
:Monigue says: i’m really very thrifty tyler, didn’t you know?
,Tyler query.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Because they’d heard tongue was on special! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: if i was to ask you how many aardvark skins it would take to cover our house, what would be your answer?
:Monigue says: do you foresee this to be a question you’re likely to pose?
:Tyler says: yes.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: then, in all honesty tyler, i’d have to say i didn’t know.
:Tyler says: i’d have to say "i didn’t know" too. hooray for science!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: hello, pet superstore? i was just wondering if you gave partial refunds on partial returns?
:Monigue says: if only he spent this much time and energy to become a cunning linguist.
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Remember '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: do you remember when comic strips weren’t just a bunch of talking heads?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: do you remember anything before this week?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i have a lot of damage from alcohol misuse.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' We’re all DOOMED! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: that was quite the thunderstorm we had last night.
:Monigue says: yeah, sure was. i wasn’t imagining the raining of toads was i?
:Tyler says: frogs, i’ll think you’ll find they were.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: ah, what do you suppose that was all about?
:Tyler says: i’m sure it’s nothing.
:Monigue says: it didn’t seem a bit wierd to you?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: nah, it’s just one of those rarely occurring, natural phenomena.
:Monigue says: righty-o ... how’s that cup of blood you’ve got there.
:Tyler says: revelation-icious
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Riot! '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: wow! those riots in france are getting pretty vicious.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i’ll bet the germans are having second thoughts now. ho ho ho.
:Monigue says: you know, that joke stopped being funny about 40 years ago.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: bah, that joke never stops being funny.
:Tyler says: i heard to conceal their identities they were wearing blue and white stripped balaclavas.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' With a capital ’T’ '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’ve decided my life needs a voice-over.
:Monigue says: you want a voice-over?
:Tyler says: yeah, like they had in old detective serials, something like...
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
’trouble’ was tyler’s middle name and just like that hooker’s face, he kept coming across it.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i’m judging you.
:Tyler says: you’re just jealous.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fondle Your Monkey Dags '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i went to the mall for lunch today and was stunned by the sheer number of pregnant teenagers.
:Tyler says: ah yes, only the stupid people are breeding. harvey danger knew the score.
:Monigue says: who?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: nevermind. perhaps the government should be handing out free televisions instead of cash incentives for recklessly increasing the national moron quotient.
:Monigue says: remind me to slap your mother. besides, i don’t think it would take the kids long to figure out they could do it doggie-style so they could both watch x-files.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: you listen to the bloodhound gang but don’t know who harvey danger is?
:Tyler says: so ... you wanna’ do it like they do on the discovery channel?
:Monigue says: foxtrot uniform charlie kilo oscar foxtrot foxtrot.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique coffee.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Sentence '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: they say that
:Monigue says: when you
:Tyler says: spend enough
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: time together you
:Tyler says: end up finishing
:Monigue says: each other’s
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: sentences.
:Tyler says: mother fucker!
:Monigue says: i constantly feel like i’m in the middle of a sentence.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' No Wang Home '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: happy thoughts. long and thick, happy thoughts.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler, i’m... jesus h! so much blood! are you ok? what the hell happened?!
:Tyler says: nothing to be alarmed about. i’ll be fine.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: i got sick of looking at your mother’s false teeth embedded in the bathroom windowsill so i tried to pry them off with a screwdriver. i slipped and cut myself ... off.
:Monigue says: that’s no small injury tyler ... so to speak, you should seek medical attention.
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i can regrow my own penis thank you very much!
:Monigue says: fine, have it your way. so, no wieners for dinner then?
:Tyler says: ha. ha ... ow!
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pixies '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know how if you have rainforest in your back garden you have pixies at the bottom of it?
:Monigue says: yes,... if you’re six.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well we have a sand garden.
:Monigue says: yes??
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i think you should turn to the east and meet our new neighbour
:Monigue says from offstage: greetings heathen
:Monigue says: by allah
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Submission '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know what your problem is?
:Monigue says: oh, everyone wants to hear that as a prelude to constructive critisism.
:Tyler says: you’re not submissive enough?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: oh, i’m sorry. is this better?
:Tyler says: mmmm. much better.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: eeep!
:Monigue says: what do we say?
:Tyler says: i submit
,Tyler shock.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Intelligent Design '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’ve become a supporter of the ’intelligent design’ theory.
:Monigue says: the notion that evolution of the species was guided by a greater intelligence? i thought you hated that stuff.
:Tyler says: well, it doesn’t actually specify ’god’ as being the designer.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: and so,...
:Tyler says: and so i’m proposing myself as the ’greater intelligence’.
:Monigue says: *sigh* and this has never been mentioned before because,...?
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i work in,...
mysterious ways!!
:Monigue says: i think you’re forgetting what the ’i’ in ’i.d’ stands for.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A Gift Like No Other '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: when i was in highschool, my boyfriends would always smother me with gifts to show how much they loved me.
:Tyler says: did they smother you with their love too?
:Monigue says: filthy boy.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: university was the same, my boyfriends would lavish me with expensive dinners and outings, although the smothering usually only involved whipped cream.
:Tyler says: alright! i get the hint. you’re feeling unloved and want some expensive smothering. i’ll be back.
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: just out of curiosity, where might my exorbitantly priced gift be coming from?
:Tyler says from offstage: pillowtalk.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cruise '
written by
Dan and Goatlord
:Tyler says: oh my god!! you know that boat trip we’re taking if i win the lottery?
:Monigue says: yeah?
:Tyler says: pack your bikini
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i am,....
so happy!
:Monigue says: i love you, tyler
:Tyler says: i love you, kylie
,Tyler boat.,Monique boat.
:Monigue says: monique
:Tyler says: i love you, monique
:Monigue says: fuck you, my darling!
fuck you
,Tyler end.,Monique end.
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