Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Plumber’s Rapture '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: do anything interesting today?
:Tyler says: no, my sweet.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: nothing all day?
:Tyler says: no, my mills and boonian vision of all that is love, nothing.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: you’ve been drinking again haven’t you?
:Tyler says: nothing but drinking, my sweet apple blossom. draino now comes in six packs, bless them.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Love heart '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: have you ever noticed that a traditional love heart, when turned upside down, looks like a bum?
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: every day, tyler.
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: really? cause i only just noti,...
:Tyler says: oh, very trite. well done.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wet Your Wick '
written by
Goatlord
crash
:Tyler says from offstage: goddamnit! where is it?!
:Tyler says from offstage: monique? have you seen my...ah...y’know that, thingo that i can’t find?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: your thingo hey? what does it look like?
:Tyler says from offstage: it’s green and i need it to do that thing i need to do.
:Monigue says: well if my thingo was green i’d want to see a doctor about it.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: funny. if ’it’ was green, there’s only one pot i’ve been dipping it in that would make it so....number one.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Margarine '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: you know, you shouldn’t eat margarine. it’s ninety percent plastic.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i think what you mean to say is that it’s one molecule from being plastic.
:Monigue says: well, that’s still bad.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: that’s like saying that i should give up drinking water because it’s only one molecule from being hydrogen-peroxide.
:Monigue says: erm,..
:Tyler says: i know, i’ll stop breathing, because oxygen is only one molecule from being ozone.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique guilty.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Alternative Therapy '
written by
Goatlord
fizzle
pop
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler!
,Tyler guilty.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: tyler, my love, when i asked you to pick up a replacement lithium-ion battery for my laptop, what type did you really purchase?
:Tyler says: ah,... seawater and earwax.
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says: owie! they told me it was a new universal type of battery that could power anything.
:Monigue says from offstage: hold that thought. let’s just see if it can universally power your caboose!
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Any Other Day... '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! what can you say about the kangaroos that hasn’t been said before?!
,Tyler query.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: they routinely fellate diseased warthogs in the vain attempt to summon their one true lord and master satan, lord of the flies, devourer of souls and producer of those boils you get around the rim of your sphincter that really hurt when you try to open the freezer door just after someone’s shut it so fast that all the air has escaped making it nigh on impossible to re-open...
:Tyler says: what?
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: i’m pretty sure that’s never been said about the kangaroos before.
:Monigue says: any other day i would have to agree but according to this article in the quibbler...
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Be My Victim '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman. candyman.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
helen?
:Tyler says from offstage: she’s downstairs big guy.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
it’s always been you helen.
:Monigue says from offstage: bastard!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ringu '
written by
Goatlord
phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says!
:Tyler says from offstage: monique! what’s the big idea swapping some arty farty video with my favourite cheerleader movie?!
:Monigue says: moi?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says! , phone says! phone says!
:Tyler says from offstage: yes you! why don’t you do something useful and answer the phone!
:Monigue says: i think you’ll find it’s for you dear.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: fine! whatever!
:Tyler says from offstage: hello? yes. what?!
oh, you muthafu...
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Ancient ramblings of a disenchanted youth. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: donkeys are by far the best source of vitamin q the world has ever seen. i know this because my family has been breeding donkeys for the past 17 generations.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: phantasms eat regularly to help keep those annoying monkey burgers at bay. remember what they say, "a monkey burger a day, helps keep the giraffes from eating your small intestines while you sleep."
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: lazy!
,Tyler silent.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A handy self affirmation. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: when i lick the noodles of my mind, i immediately understand life. i become life. to lick the noodles of my mind is to understand perfection as seen from the lickable noodles of my mind. i lick therefore i am.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: reform no other before me, i am as the wind through the undergarments of life. i am the undergarments of life. i blow therefore i lick therefore i am. so it is written, so shall it be, forever more.
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: ah-monkey.
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Now, you are Mine! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: i want your soul.
:Tyler says: my soul? i don’t think so.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you wanted to marry me, you wanted my love. i gave you my love as you gave me yours. your love is mine, and no others. i want your soul!
:Tyler says: my soul is my own. without it, i am not me. how may i freely give my love to you if i am... not?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i want your soul!
:Tyler says: i...
,Tyler headinhands.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Handling '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i left the house this morning and my volvo wasn’t handling very well.
:Tyler says: i suspected that my steering had become unbalanced so i pulled over and do you know what i found?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: supermarket trolley wheels!
:Tyler says: supermarket trolleys wheels. someone had replaced my wheels with supermarket trolley wheels.
:Monigue says: that was me.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: no shit!
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Competition '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! hi there, is this tyler?
:Tyler says from offstage: yes? who’s this?
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! good news tyler! on behalf of radio station 67.8fm you’ve won the opportunity to benefit from over $5000 worth of goods for an initial outlay of only $35
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: good news friendly telemarketer. thanks to my new inbound call tracking system you’ve "won" the opportunity to benefit from the fact that i work at a gun store and i get cut-price weaponry and ammunition.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! erm,..
:Tyler says from offstage: don’t worry, you don’t have to do anything. we’re already on our way.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! *click*
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m going out sweetie.
:Monigue says: aw no, killing telemarketers? he’s going to want sex tonight.
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Werewolf '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: imagine if you were a werewolf. you could go get your haircut on the day before the full moon and then return the next day for a refund.
:Tyler says: it’d be the perfect scam.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: so, your scam would be that you ended up with no extra money than you had, and no haircut but you’d have managed to waste a hairdressers time,..?
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: fucking hairdressers
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Puck-er up '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i wonder if the olympics will make "tonsil hockey" a national sport...
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: at least you already know you suck.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
goal!
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tackle Happy '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says from offstage: teehee! when monique is away, tyler will play...or in this case, download some porn!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Tyler says from offstage: 2%...2%...2%...
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler! i’m home; to wreck your fun!
:Tyler says from offstage: *sigh* this is going to be a long night.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' nkMyeo aigtnE. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i ofudn a edr nep no het lofor. si it uyors?
:Monigue says: no.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: ho, ko hetn.
:Monigue says: are you feeling ok? you sound a little off.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: i elfe nfie. hwy do uyo ska?
:Monigue says: no reason.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Crouching Woman, Burning Sensation '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: i hate you...
,Tyler news.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: murmuring to yourself again? you know, a few broken ribs could change your feelings for me.
:Tyler says: yes, but a few less ribs would rid my need of you anyway.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: when your neck breaks, can i pawn your kidneys?
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Pipe '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: imagine if i got a piece of pvc piping and i got it to follow me around constantly.
:Monigue says: and?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: well, then i’d have a led pipe.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: doyagetit?
doyagetit?
:Monigue says: you’re going to get it.
:Monigue says: man, i wish i had a lead pipe
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' TICK! '
written by
Dan
tick!
:Monigue says: what the hell is that noise?
tick!
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
tick!
:Tyler says: i was just doing what you asked for!
tick!
,Tyler talk.,Monique silent.
tick!
:Monigue says: you misheard me! i said "i wish you had a bigger,..."
tick!
,Tyler silent.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cows With Guns '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: it’s during times like these, i wish i had a tactical nuclear device.
:Monigue says: uh-huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: oh, absolutely. i could achieve so much--
:Monigue says: --for yourself.
:Tyler says: of course.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: it’s a pity i’m the one with the tactical nuclear device then, isn’t it?
:Tyler says: bah!
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' A murder of Crowe '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: apple i-store has a function where you can find celebrities and their favorite playlists. it gives you a bit of an insight into their personalities.
:Monigue says: sounds interesting.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: i had a look at russell crowe’s. do you know what’s number one in russell crowe’s playlist? his own crap song that he’s trying to promote.
:Monigue says: what a wanker!
:Tyler says: what,... a,... wanker!
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
no punchline. just wanted to point out that russell crowe is a wanker.
,Tyler silent.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Funk Yeah! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
:Monigue says: what on earth are you doing?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Tyler says from offstage: is it wrong to enjoy your own funk? i am enjoying my own funk.
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says from offstage: *sniff* *sniff*,
*sniff* *sniff*
:Monigue says from offstage: *hurk*
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Fly my Pretties! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: have you ever wondered how many donkeys it would take to raise the titanic?
:Monigue says: i can’t say that i have, no. am i right to assume these donkeys would be "pining for the fjords"?
:Tyler says: unless you know of a special breed of underwater donkey?
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: it turns out that when the body of a donkey decays, it produces and retains far more gas than any other creature.
:Tyler says: this is why donkey farmers have to puncture and bury any dead ones they find because they become hazards to low flying aircraft.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: do you ever get bored of speaking shit 24/7?
:Tyler says: what? no, it’s all true. we’ll be rich! maybe we could get some from your uncle. he’s into donkeys isn’t he?
:Monigue says: in a manner of speaking.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' You can’t pick your family’s nose. '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: your brother-in-law is away an awful lot. his daughter is growing up now, lillee isn’t really a baby anymore. does she ask after him? oh, what’s his name? i can never remember.
:Tyler says: my brother-in-law?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: yeah, you know who.
:Tyler says: voldemort!? my sister married the dark lord?! jesus, why didn’t anyone tell me?
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: you freak! why can’t we have a simple conversation anymore without you going mental? my mother was right, i should have stuck with my tamagotchi.
:Tyler says from offstage: no time to talk, i have to practice my shield charms.
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Hotdogs '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: hotdogs for dinner!!
:Monigue says: chicken hotdogs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hot chicken?
:Monigue says: chicken hotdogs,.. instead of pork.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: hot pigs?
:Monigue says: you knew hotdogs weren’t made of dogs didn’t you?
:Tyler says: *gaspie*
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Lick Me! All of You! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: *cough* *cough* *hurk*
:Monigue says: tyler, are you ok?
:Tyler says from offstage: just a couple of hairballs, i’ll be fine.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: how on earth...? i thought you were going out today to prove me wrong about getting high from licking frogs or more specifically, toads.
:Tyler says from offstage: *hurk* and i did! i’ve been licking ... frogs?
,Tyler none.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: have you got any idea how many dogs i’ve licked today!?
:Monigue says: ah, the scientific method, i’ll have my moron, ’à la descartes.’
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Cats '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: fur is murder so no-one wears fur anymore,..
:Tyler says: but cats are a menace to our indigenous wildlife.
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Tyler says: we should start a business that sells cat furs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: that is,.. a horrible idea.
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m going to check if the domain name ’hellokitty.com’ has been taken yet.
,Tyler none.,Monique headinhands.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' To have and to hold. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: i’m sorry monique. i’ve just realised how beautiful you truly are, i had forgotten.
:Monigue says: oh tyler, i don’t know what to say.
:Tyler says: ... especially your neck.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: my neck?
:Tyler says: shhh, say nothing my dear. just let me touch your neck, the way i used to. i must have it. let me hold your neck.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: ah, i feel this is one of those occasions that can only end in tears ... yours.
:Tyler says: i will love it and pet it and love it and squeeze it and call it george.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' For better or for worse. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: this was a great idea monique. i can’t remember the last time we got drunk together.
:Monigue says: yes, you males love to equate drinking with having a good time. actually, i have to relay some important news to you.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i’m pregnant. your going to be a daddy.
:Tyler says: what!? oh no, that’s ... wait ... that’s really great news monique! i’m going to be a dad! i am the happiest man alive!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: really? that makes my heart swell tyler because i’m not really pregnant, however, your mum called earlier and said your grandma was run over by a school bus.
snap
:Monigue says: they just don’t make toys like they used to.
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
Prev 100Prev 30Prev 7Prev DayNext DayNext 7Next 30Next 100
First ComicArchiveToday's ComicInvisible Spiders