how long has it been since you washed your hair? a couple of months i guess. yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is. | unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense. dead? hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp. | honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’. in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better. which brings me to my next point. |
you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks? nah, she blew me off. | the saucy minx. in your dreams, monkey boy. |
waiter, there’s a fly in my soup. it’s coffee, cow face. | there’s coffee in my fly? no, a fly in your coffee. | oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee. nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser. |
you know...this coffee tastes weird. actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap. | aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?! meeeow!! aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face! | it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase. |
that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe? | rice? i do believe that it was maggots. | weh ith de mouthwath?! you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste? |
grind crunch bang | tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises. it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem. | i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service. service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian. i wish you were a breatharian. |
hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door? yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask? | i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds. but i don’t have any porn...in there. that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is. | it’s in a place where i know you would never look. in a dictionary? no, that’s where i keep the porn. |