Fuck
You
My
Darling
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Parallel Tyler 3 '
written by
Dan
our universe
:Tyler says from offstage: okay, if i destroy the device she should never be able to return.
bash!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
qua-pop!
:Monigue says: eep!
:Tyler says from offstage: who said that?
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Monigue says: no! no! noooooooooo!!!
:Tyler says from offstage: oh no!
:Monigue says: send me back, send me back!!
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Healthy Hair '
written by
Dan
:Monigue says: how long has it been since you washed your hair?
:Tyler says: a couple of months i guess.
:Monigue says: yuck. i can’t believe how unhealthy your hair is.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: unhealthy? it’s dead. they’re dead skin cells. any advertisment that’s telling you you need healthy hair is nonsense.
:Monigue says: dead?
:Tyler says: hair stops being alive a millimetre below the scalp.
,Tyler talk.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says: honestly, it’s like spraying lacquer over a cadaver. ’grandpa’s dead but the spray-on laminate has stopped him rotting too quickly’.
:Tyler says: in fact, so far as society is concerned, the less life in your hair the better.
:Monigue says: which brings me to my next point.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Saucy! '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: you’re home early. i thought you were meeting an old friend for drinks?
:Tyler says: nah, she blew me off.
,Tyler angry.,Monique talk.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique silent.
:Tyler says: the saucy minx.
:Monigue says: in your dreams, monkey boy.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Special Java '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.
:Monigue says: it’s coffee, cow face.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: there’s coffee in my fly?
:Monigue says: no, a fly in your coffee.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: oh yeah, you’re right. waiter, there’s a fly in my coffee.
:Monigue says: nothing to worry about, it’s just undissolved horse tranquilliser.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' What’s up, pussy cat? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know...this coffee tastes weird.
:Tyler says: actually, i feel kind of drowsy. time to take a nap.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique news.
:Tyler says from offstage: aah bed, i missed your soft, furry embrace...furry?!
meeeow!!
:Tyler says from offstage: aaah!! my face!! my almost beautiful face!
,Tyler none.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: it’s amazing, the uses one can find for the tranquillisers obtained with every lion cub purchase.
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Wriggly Wormses '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: that rice dish last night was delicious. who did you kill to get that recipe?
,Tyler talk.,Monique coffee.
:Monigue says: rice? i do believe that it was maggots.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says from offstage: weh ith de mouthwath?!
:Monigue says: you were eating maggots, tyler. how did they taste?
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Breathe '
written by
Goatlord
grind
crunch
bang
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler, was that your volvo making those horrendous noises.
:Tyler says: it occasionally makes some dodgy sounds but i just turn the radio up, that seems to fix the problem.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i take it you’ve never heard the populist theory about the necessity vehicles have for a regular service.
:Tyler says: service, shmervice. my car is a breatharian.
:Monigue says: i wish you were a breatharian.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Dicktionary? '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: hey, err, is there a reason that you have a lock on your bedroom door?
:Monigue says: yes. i don’t want you going through my panty drawer again. also, i really don’t like you. anyway, why do you ask?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: i was trying to get some...umm...dvds...yeah, i was looking for dvds.
:Monigue says: but i don’t have any porn...in there.
:Tyler says: that’s not the point. i want to know where the key is.
,Tyler guilty.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: it’s in a place where i know you would never look.
:Tyler says: in a dictionary?
:Monigue says: no, that’s where i keep the porn.
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' She knows where you live! '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: is she still out there?
:Monigue says from offstage: yeah, i think she thinks we can’t see her hiding... in the zen garden... in clear daylight.
:Tyler says: clever.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: and she’s off again. ah, you only used one peg to hang out your underdurps and your shirts were hung right way up. bad tyler.
:Tyler says: seriously, how many times have you told your mother to leave us alone? her falsies are still embedded in the windowsill upstairs from previous reconnaissance.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: you could always talk to her yourself.
:Tyler says: are you kidding?! she’s scary. remember our wedding night? she popped out of the shower cubicle in the hotel room to show me the proper procedure to put on a condom! *shudder*
:Monigue says from offstage: please, you didn’t have to grow up with her.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Dream of Weasleys '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: only 18 sleeps until "harry potter and the half blood-prince" is released. joy!
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: you’re just jealous that i garner more pleasure from a book than i do from you.
:Monigue says: hardly, i’d rather you didn’t garner pleasure from anything.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: mmmm...harry potter.
:Monigue says: geek.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Nothing but a hound dog '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: you know, the most peculiar thing happened to me today.
:Monigue says: uh huh.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: i was walking along the footpath, and i heard a lot of yelping. when i turned around, there was a wild pack of dogs chasing after me.
:Tyler says: i don’t suppose you could offer any insight as to why that was?
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: well, it may be because i soaked your pants in beef last night... or perhaps the dogs just preferred something hairy, smelly and infested with fleas.
,Tyler silent.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Toilet Music '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: it has to stop, and it has to stop now.
:Monigue says: i don’t know what you’re talking about.
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: that system that pipes ’scary clown music’ into the bathroom whenever someone is in there.
:Monigue says: there’s nothing scary about clown music.
,Tyler talk.,Monique slygrin.
:Tyler says: i haven’t been able to,.. go,.. for a week now.
:Monigue says: clown’s are funny!
,Tyler angry.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Boxcar Sally Gets Ridden Again '
written by
Goatlord
television blares! all aboard!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
television blares! huff. huff. huff. huff-a huff-a huff-a huff-a, woooooooo!
:Monigue says: what are you watching in there?
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
television blares! ok, everybody out!
:Tyler says from offstage: some old gang bang movie i’d forgotten i’d had. wow, they don’t make porn stars like they used to. i didn’t think she’d be able to walk away from that train crash.
,Tyler none.,Monique silent.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Face on Mars '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i was quite disappointed to find that the face on mars turned out to be simple tricks of the light.
:Monigue says: no kidding.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Tyler says: yeah, kind of like how you actually have a face but a trick of the light turns it into a crater pocked, canal fed wasteland.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: if you thought mars was the god of war,....
:Tyler says from offstage: i’m already running!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Headphones '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i got some cool noise-cancelling headphone buds.
:Monigue says: wasting your money on stupid gimmicks just to listen to music. that’s so lame.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: music?
:Monigue says: oh, very funny! you know,.. you can be a complete ba,....
click
,Tyler query.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says:
:Monigue says:
:Monigue says:
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Blackmail '
written by
Stumpybear
:Monigue says: have you been sending me blackmail again?
,Tyler coffee.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: what makes you ask such a preposterous thing?
,Tyler guilty.,Monique silent.
:Monigue says: i received some extremely bizarre pictures of black men having sex...again.
:Tyler says: oh, that. no, it’s just your early birthday present.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Thou shalt kneel before me '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: *whisper* *whisper* *whisper*
,Tyler news.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: tyler...are you praying?? you do know that god doesn’t exist, right?
:Tyler says: monique, noooo!!!
,Tyler shock.,Monique query.
pop!
:Tyler says: you know, this is all your fault monique.
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I Know You Know '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: yowser to the red monkey paste!
,Tyler none.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: do i want to know?
:Tyler says: chilli chocolate frogs and shots of jack daniels. i can see through time.
,Tyler shock.,Monique talk.
:Tyler says: at least until next wednesday.
:Monigue says: tard.
,Tyler shock.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Polar Bear '
written by
Dan
and now a cartoon involving a polar bear in a snow storm.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: grrr
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: what the fuck was that?
:Monigue says: grrrrrrrrrrr
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Immelmann Turn '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: *sniff**sniff* that air freshener must finally be working. i can barely smell you.
:Tyler says: nah, i just found a cork with a good enough seal.
:Monigue says: you put a cork...? oh tyler, that’s just... why?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: well, you know that joke rodney rude does? "jeeze mate, that would have lifted a lighter man clear off his seat!"
:Monigue says: yes, unfortunately.
:Tyler says: i thought i’d test the theory out, mythbusters style. oh-oh...here we go.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
lift-off
:Monigue says: impressively aerobatic, if a little wiffy.
,Tyler none.,Monique query.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' 1984 '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: i’ve been reading the novel ’1984’. it’s so cool. a dangerously beaurocratic future.
:Tyler says: war is peace.
:Tyler says: ignorance is strength.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: a sick and tired marriage is romance?
:Tyler says: i think that the tv show ’big brother’ could gain some inspiration from that book.
,Tyler talk.,Monique news.
:Monigue says: how so?
:Tyler says: imagine that there was no eviction. just one day your roommate was ’vanished’, and never refered to again.
:Tyler says: ’this is big brother. there never was a sixth roommate. any memory you have of one must be false’
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique news.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Shocking '
written by
Stumpybear
:Tyler says: mmm..this licorice is really chewy.
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: but hard and crunchy on the inside.
:Monigue says from offstage: why isn’t my computer working? hey! who took my extension cord?!
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Monigue says: oh god. at least this time it wasn’t plugged in.
:Tyler says: aah, refreshing.
,Tyler coffee.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Alchemize This '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: cowman 7!
the most rockenest, hippest and coolest band the world is ever likely to see! plus we have the highest content of donkey sauce ever to come out of brisvegas! wanna be my groupie?
:Monigue says: as tempting as that offer is, i do have a prior commitment to chew out my own eyeballs.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: tyler, you don’t have to actually be a rockstar in order to feel like one.
:Monigue says: you just have to be putting it away with an underage model and snort an obscene amout of cocaine.
:Tyler says: really? excellent!
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: although, that’s just for you’re average joe. you however, are going to have to be able to eat lead and shit gold.
:Tyler says: goddamnit!
,Tyler angry.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Tyler and the Coxswain '
written by
Goatlord
:Monigue says: your friend you got my new hard drive from, he’s a bit of a comedian is he?
:Tyler says: wes? he has his moments i suppose. why do you ask?
:Monigue says: oh, i don’t know, perhaps it’s got something to do with the 40gb of hard core bestiality he pre-loaded onto the hard drive?!
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: girl on horse, girl on dog, dog on horse, ferrets in cows, man on postbox... it is all disgusting and i am not amused!
:Tyler says: technically, i don’t think that last one counts. if you’d like, i could take it back and get you another, stain free, hard drive.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique angry.
:Monigue says: sicko. you’d sprain both your wrists before you got through that lot.
:Tyler says: it’s an art form my dear. you just have to pace yourself.
:Monigue says: screw you very much for that mental image. i’m off to snort some napisan.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I’ve got to get some new material. '
written by
Goatlord
frighteningly loud farty sound!
:Monigue says: ahhh, better out than in.
:Tyler says: for you maybe. damn woman!
,Tyler shock.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: sweet, sweet relief.
:Tyler says from offstage: i think you killed the neighbour’s kid.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: serves him right for being locked in our basement.
,Tyler none.,Monique slygrin.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Van Gogh '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: you know, everyone remembers that van gogh cut off his own ear, but it’s not like that was a big thing?
:Monigue says: what?
:Tyler says: well, he was a painter. if he wanted to make a big impact he could have gouged out one of his eyes. wouldn’t that have been a romantic gesture?
,Tyler query.,Monique talk.
:Monigue says: i always thought that it was romantic when you sent me an ear in the post.
,Tyler silent.,Monique slygrin.
:Monigue says: that is, until i realised it wasn’t yours.
,Tyler news.,Monique talk.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' How to make a grown man cry. '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! ...yeah, good one mate. listen, i’ve got to go. there’s a shapely young thing waiting for me in the sack, if you know what i mean, heh heh.
,Tyler none.,Monique shock.
:Tyler says from offstage: phone says! that’s right! she’s even got her name tattooed on her side, totally wild man. monique? nah, absolutely clueless. i’ll talk to you later, i’ve got to relieve someone of their ability to walk. oh, yeah!
,Tyler none.,Monique angry.
:Tyler says from offstage: oh, hey monique. no, you’ve got it all wrong. c’mon, put the bat down. look, it’s just...
smash
:Tyler says from offstage: dear lord noooo!
my beer!
you killed my beer!
why?!
,Tyler none.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' I know you are... '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: deftly, he sidesteps the poorly worded and yea, mispelt slur against his prowess in the boudoir.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: zing! tyler masterfully ripostes with his rapier like wit. the ice maiden grovels before him in obeisance.
,Tyler slygrin.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: did you say something dear?
:Tyler says: um, moo?
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Bats '
written by
Dan
:Tyler says: phew! i’ve finally managed to net off the paw-paw trees in the back yard. no more bat problems.
,Tyler talk.,Monique none.
:Monigue says from offstage: tyler? have you seen my fish-nets?
,Tyler news.,Monique none.
:Tyler says: whoa! that was quick.
,Tyler query.,Monique none.
F#@$ You, My Darling!
created by Dan Beeston.
' Satchmo Know '
written by
Goatlord
:Tyler says: ok, we’ll try it again. what do you get if you multiply six by nine?
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Tyler says: forty-two.
,Tyler talk.,Monique query.
:Monigue says: that’s just dumb.
:Tyler says: heathen.
,Tyler talk.,Monique talk.
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